Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

Come on.

No degree is so full I you can’t work! She is having you on here. I did a medical degree and could still work part time except from exam time.

I would do some research yourself so you can decide a reasonable amount to pay and tell her her limit (much, much less than £240pw, jesus!). Then up to her to make her decision. If she doesn't like it then she can either work (I know you say she can't but she will have to learn to make her own choices and reap the consequences) or use some of the £20k to fund it. If she's already blown that then tough shit. Incidentally I'm not sure why you didn't say to her if she spent that money on travelling you wouldn't fund her postgraduate expenses, so she wpuld think twice about blowing it all. But now you are where you are set her a maximum funding level, pay it, and then don't financially support her again after this unless it is absolutely critical as you are just enabling bad behaviour.

Instead of going to Europe for a month and Canada and wherever else, she should be going to Manchester and looking for accommodation, seeing as she's never been there before.

Is she actually even planning on doing the course, it doesn't seem like it?

She's not interested in researching accommodation and transport for herself.

She's not wanting to save money by working and not travelling.

It's all pie in the sky!

I went to Manchester (although it was 20+ years ago, yikes!). Anyway back then the vast majority of students lived in Fallowfield - the buses from there to Oxford Rd campus/onwards to city centre were literally every minute or two, just a straight run down one road (through Rusholme). Withington was also popular with students (that was served by same bus route, just smidge further out). Hope that helps a bit xx

Really she should be the one doing this research and looking at the options, especially if she's a masters student.

Well it’s tough shit isn’t it? I lived in halls for my first year in a single room with a sink and shared bathrooms and kitchens. My parents had no money. I worked for a year to afford to even go to university. My savings from that covered 6 months accommodation so I had to work weekends and 1 week day. Because at 18 it was my responsibility and my future I was invested in. Many of my friends were two to a room in shared houses. Some lived in squats. Because they were committed and invested in their education.

All my friends from those days are now senior professionals with salaries to match becuase of that commitment.

She’s needs to suck it up. This is life. She doesn’t sound that bothered about the education if she’s demanding a ridiculously high standard of living to do it. You can’t bankroll her lifestyle forever

And I have a LOT of architect friends. It’s gruelling to become properly qualified. The working hours once in a job are mental. Full dedication is required.

Not only that but the pay is terrible even post qualification. She’s going to be tapping you up for life because she won’t get that standard of living once she’s working. Even at 25 years PQE my archi friends are still living in cheap houses in cheap areas miles from work and central locations. It’s the same for them whether they live in London, Edinburgh, Sydney, California, NZ… Two have 3 kids in a two bed house.

set a limit
let her know she will have more spare if she choses cheaper accommodation

I’ve only got this far. It would be a hard no from me. She’s spending the money you saved for her on frivolous things. I would tell her right now so she can decide what she wants more. To be a trained architect or continue with her jollies.

I’m really sorry OP, the threat of NC from your DD must be so painful for you given the history with your mother.

I don’t think the right approach is to pander to this bullying from your DD to try and keep the relationship. Frankly it’s not working anyway.

Personally at this stage I’d offer your DD the maximum “outside London” loan amount only (or a top up to that amount) and she can decide herself what she prioritises spending it on. Then she can’t say you let her down at the last minute.

I know pp are saying she should be using the £20k for university (and I don’t disagree ideally) but if you’re going to start putting down boundaries at this late stage they should be fair and clear and not involve a U turn. It’ll take time to reset boundaries with your DD so take it one step at a time and don’t try and solve everything at once.

Just as important I think is to seek some support for yourself as this situation with your DD must be bringing up lots of stuff from your relationship with your mother. It might help you work out what “healthy” looks like.

She’s a very ungrateful and entitled young woman. She has got way too used to spending other people’s money, and needs a close encounter with reality.

I would convert the offer of support to a loan which will have to be repaid. Ask her how she is going to do that, and get her to think about how she is going to finance her life.

I would do this. Accept it I mean.

Give her a lump sum that is what you expected to pay and tell her she has to manage it her way but there will be no more.

I have a dear friend who has a daughter like this. The friend was expecting to get an inheritance but the will that stated this has been declared nul and the money has gone off in another direction. The daughter has already 'spent the money' though and is blaming my friend for the issues that arose around the will.

OMG the fallout over it! I don't think they will ever speak again after the things the daughter said but my friend is right to expect the adult daughter to sort the financial mess that she has caused without getting bailed out again.

I think this is common. I have this issue with my 16 yo dd and mother. I had a lot of therapy and stood up to my mother and actually have a pretty good relationship with her most of the time. Right from when she was little, my dd was very controlling of me. I’m talking age 5. I have to be on top of it now. A lot of it is anxiety based.

The line to use imo would be “I love you unconditionally. And because I love you I have to tell you the truth even if it is hard for me. I don’t have the funds to pay for your accommodation. I’m just telling you this now before you spend all the money we saved for you as you may prefer to spend it securing your accommodation next year in order to complete the masters. I really don’t see any other way round this. I’ve looked extensively into things.”

Then let her have a hissy fit. I wouldn’t get drawn into the rape arguments. You know this is just blackmail when she’s perfectly fine to travel solo internationally and stay in hostels. Such arguments are designed to hook you into right fighting and draw you away from the truth. Drop the rope.

Whatever she says, I would use variants on. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “We have already provided you with enough money to complete the course.” “I will always love you.” And some “well” with a shrug.

Have you tried to grey rock your dd?

She doesn't sound ready for uni or being away from home.
She certainly needs to learn the value of a farthing, and get some personal safety lessons ifcshe thinks she is under such threat if she steps over the threshold.
Tell her to defer for a year, get a job, a flat-share, and learn how to do grown-up stuff

Oh OP, I’m so sorry to hear this. It must be so difficult for you.

Your dd is ungrateful, entitled, rude. She treats you terribly, and you deserve a lot better.

i hope you manage to find a way through this.

Do you think that counselling would help you?

Just to say my husband is an architect he worked throughout his post graduate studies at the practice he did his part 1 in. Is she sure she can't work ?

This thread has made me feel sad.
Firstly whilst it’s true it is hard to earn a high salary as an architect it should be possible to live in a decent house, as architects can often see the potential to transform a run down house for eg., sell it at a profit and move on to the next project.
It is really sad that op’s dd is not coming across well in terms of expecting op to pay so much. However if I were the op I would find it hurtful to read all these comments judging my daughter so unfavourably and thus op’s parenting. Sometimes despite our best efforts we can get into really challenging situations with our offspring and however demanding op’s dd is I can understand the fear of losing contact. So I would not do anything dramatic like suddenly cutting funding but would be researching cheaper accommodation options and also pointing out the pitfalls of the expensive place. For example my ds turned down an opportunity to share a student hall townhouse in a student city (not Manchester) with course friends because he wanted a quiet flat and ensuite facilities. So in his final year he paid for more expensive ensuite accommodation in a private hall with only a few to a kitchen. However most of the other students who could afford this accommodation were international students who were not interested in socialising. So I’d point out to dd that other people who are on her course will not afford such luxury so she might end up isolated if she doesn’t live in more normal student accommodation.
Also op you do not mention your DD’s father. What is his opinion of the situation and would your dd be more likely to listen to him?
finally I do think it would be unreasonable to spend money for a house deposit on travelling so I would firmly remind dd that the money was for a house deposit and that if it’s spent she will have to save up for her own deposit.
Maybe once dd moves away from home to study and has to live independently she will appreciate you a bit more.

Oh Op I say this kindly, but you are being an absolute door mat right now.
She had 20k in a savings account. If she chooses not to buy a house with that, which is absolute madness since the market is a horrible place lately, she should be using it to fund her accommodation.

You've given her money, you shouldn’t be expected to fund more accommodation. She has made the decision to do a degree that involves a masters so that’s on her.

BTW there are lots of studies these days linking narcissism to genetics. So yes she could possibly be one like your mother unfortunately.
For your own mental health and financial health maybe let her sort this herself.

Wow, what an absolute lazy, spoilt, entitled, madam. She has £20k but she’s expecting you to fund her accommodation? Sod that. She’s what? 22? Tell her your budget and she can sort herself out for the rest.

I don’t think your average person or their parents can afford for them to do a full time masters straight out of an undergrad degree without working. So the answer is they don’t find 13k a year!

I know one person that did it and he had well off parents. Everyone else has worked part time and did a masters part time. Or worked and saved up and then did it (maybe with a bit of savings from mum and dad thrown in).

Why does she say she’ll be travelling home late at night by herself? Her course won’t finish late at night. If it’s because she’s going out to bars/clubs then she needs to not go out to bars clubs and just go home if she feels so unsafe in the dark.

She’s being completely unreasonable to be making huge financial demands on you, especially given that she’s an adult.

So she has money for travelling. Tell her you'll give her £5000 towards costs for her masters. She will have to self fund the rest, as she's had her wage AND FREE board all year while working. If she stayed home and worked she could afford said expensive flat. You are teaching her to be selfish and entitled if you pay especially as she's been travelling AND earning money.
No one will employ someone like that with little work ethic.

OP this may seem a bit random, but I noticed your name in another read where joy mentioned you’re a midwife (and it sounds like a very good one!) You sounded lovely on the thread and I am so sorry to hear you’re having this tough situation at home, and that it’s linked to how your mum treated you. You must be incredibly resilient to do the job you do, in such a good way. Is there any way of channeling this into the way you relate to your daughter?
if it helps - I studied in Manchester for a healthcare degree and so was travelling on buses at various unsocial hours. I second what people have said about there always being students around on Oxford Road. Choosing a house that’s near a bus stop is an important detail I think, although of course it’s so easy to use Ubers now.

@ElbowsUpRising ahh not far from my old office ( we've just near Home to centre of town) so assume she has been looking at the unite student accommodation possibly artisan well parkway gate is slightly cheaper at 275 or Piccadilly point. Piccadilly point is 16min walk away to her school. Artisan is 2min parkway gate 7min. All manageable. I walk 15min from my carpark to my new office as I live south Manchester so rather than crossing town to park nearer I park near where our office used to be so I am straight out on princess parkway to the m56.

As some others have said explain your willing to support but financially this is your budget so she either sticks to it or she adds to it

Unite Student accommodations do range in budget

Her safety argument seems a bit strange when she is going travelling and staying in hostels. It really seems this is something to throw in your face rather than a real concern.

Give her the budget and she can get a job (any job) between now and then to make up the difference if that is her priority.

Did she grow up seeing your mums treatment of you?