Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

My DD also unable to work due to health reasons and unable to share too so I do understand but don't get caught up in pandering to every demand.
It's all about balancing wants and needs. My DD needed self contained accommodation. We needed to be able to keep all of us fed and clothed. She needed to be near bus route.
Everything else was just a want.

Sounds like your daughter needs to be near safe transport. She wants to have luxury accommodation, in a location of her choosing and for you to pay for it, even to the detriment of the rest of the family.

She's either pampered, oblivious or selfish and needs to learn that she can't manipulate you into giving on to every whim.

If she genuinely has safety concerns then she needs to reject Manchester and find somewhere more suitable.

And having read more, if she's planning overseas travel then she really can make more effort to work this out. If the sums don't work to her satisfaction she will have to adjust her expectations.

Nah...I have fibromyalgia. No way could she do all those things if she isn't able to study and work part time. Not only is your daughter is taking you for an absolute ride, she is also emotionally manipulating you with the repeated "concerns" about being raped. I'm not sure why you're not putting your foot down here?

State your contribution to her accommodation clearly.
Your budget, fairly, could be around 8 -10,000.
List the accomodation places she should look into.
The leeway could be the Canadian airfare added to her accommodation, rather than the airfare

With those few things written down, your daughter should be able to make her own plans for the next three years.

I would never offer her any other financial assistance.
State that clearly. The money trail is over.

Always say that she is welcome to stay at your home if hardship befalls her, for a short time as long as she contributes to her own living expenses.

Your daughter is old enough to sort out her own life. Remind her that she is using her house deposit for holidays so might have to stay as a renter for life, unless she saves hard once out working.

Stick with these same factual details.
Your ungrateful daughter seems to take advantage of you.
Stop that by being consistent and factual.

The worst thing is NOT that she will ghost you; it is that she will never grow up responsible for herself.

She sounds terribly entitled. I can’t believe she has access to the money you’ve diligently saved for her for a deposit on a property and she’s blowing it all on travel. What a waste of hard savings.

But by caving into her demands you’re not helping her learn the lessons of life. It’s not going to be easy going forward with her sense of entitlement as employers won’t stand for it.

It would be very unwise for a lone female (or male for that matter) to walk back to her digs late at night wherever she’s living in Manchester, so she may as well have the cheaper halls in Fallowfield and use the excellent bus service or an Uber.

My dc went to Manchester and lived in Fallowfield, the buses run up and down that main road one after the other day and night. They found shared accom through www.spareroom.com and had no issues.

Point out that it took you 18 years to save £20k for her future house deposit.
That's what that money represents: 18 years of you saving for her adult life, rather than you choosing to eat out, or better fund your pension, or buy nicer clothes. Not just numbers on a page.

Tell her what you can afford to give her for her postgraduate. EG total budget is £5k, that's all there is. As an adult, she gets to choose cheaper accomodation, cut back on travelling, a part time job, whatever. You will give her the £5k split up as £500 per month for 10 months, assuming you know that she is still passing her architectare course.

Dont be afraid to poibt out that she has the means to fund her studies as it us (£20k of your saving on her behalf), so you're not going to listen to her ridiculous emotional blackmail.

Who will pay her way then?
If you're this worried about her potentially cutting contact (again?!) then that scenario will play out forever more. She wants...you say no...she cuts contact...comes crawling back (and as her parent you, obviously, welcome her)...
She will do this until the end of time. Or, until you put your foot down and say no!

OMG she is one selfish article! She could have used that £20k to help fund herself through postgrad! Put your foot down with a firm hand here. Even if she couldn't work (and she so bloody could!) she could have been signing on at the dole and it would be something!

Trust me I have a pair of them down but there's no way I would let them away with this shit. Let her run on - she will need you before you will need her!

If she had already had my hard-earned £20k, I wouldn't be supplementing her to any huge amount. She needs to learn to live within her means.

I feel for you!

You know, there was a thread on here the other week and the OP was asking people if they believed that fibromyalgia was a genuine medical condition as they'd read that some people believed it was all in the head. I have to say, while I didn't reply to it as didn't want to be mean to the OP, the couple of people I know who say they have fibromyalgia are, funnily enough, exactly like your daughter, and find every reason under the sun why they can't work and why others should fund them. I find them to be a strange mixture of likeable, emotionally manipulative and insecure/lacking in confidence.

From a financial point of view would it not be better for her to do her Part 2 at the same place and stay at home?
Although your relationship sounds a bit fraught at the moment so maybe not ideal

@ElbowsUpRising

I had similar problems with my DD back in 2007, paid her tuition fees and kept the receipts just in case she ghosted me, but she didn't, she is a credit to me.
Please keep your receipts of whatever you spend, OP, just in case she accuses you of not helping. However I hope your DD's attitude improves, you have really tried your best with her.

Why are you so involved? Looking at halls, researching things for her?
She must be at least 21 years old.

You are not obliged to give her as much money as she wishes. If you are willing to contribute, state how much and then leave her to figure it out.

Stop looking up halls.
Tell her you will provide £x per year, paid to her on 1 September and hope she enjoys the course.
The End.
No more discussions.

You sound scared she will cut you off.
If she was your husband or boyfriend, you would recognise that is a very abusive patter of behaviour - just because she is your daughter doesn't change that.

You've got yourself in a toxic co-dependent relationship with her and you need to have some therapy yourself to unpick that.

You are not her skivvy and you deserve to be treated with respect to.

She will be a happier, more successful adult if she learns to run her own life. You need to step away now.

I am definitely looking forward to her moving away but also the local uni architecture course is a shower of shit. Manchester is one of the top ones in the country. No contest.

She doesn’t seem to have learned the fairly basic truth that money can only be spent once. How did the conversation go at 18? She was embarking on architecture course which (my understanding) is a 3 year undergrad course, a year placement, a 2 year post grad, another year placement and then final exams. So you all knew she had 5 years as a student and 7 until she was earning well. Did you agree to support her for the duration of the course? You gave her the hard saved lump sum of £20k and presumably agreed an annual sum you could contribute whilst she was studying - the expectation of parents is if she took loans for fees and gets minimum maintenance loan that’s topping up to the full loan - around £6k a year. If that’s not enough (and I know even with cheap accommodation that is tight) then she needs to get a job or dip into her lump sum. She can’t live rent free AND only work part of the year AND not save AND go on expensive holidays AND live in expensive halls. Time to present her with what you are prepared to contribute, stick to your guns and let her work out how she’s going to make it work.

Architecture is getting harder and harder to find a job in. Will this masters significantly improve her employment chances or is she just throwing good money after bad?

Also she isn't scared of being raped when she's off travelling the world but is terrified in Manchester....come on? She's taking the piss.

When I was at uni, most people lived in halls for first year only and then were expected to find house shares. Feel that is reasonable until she makes friends?

Fucking hell, what an awful, offensive, ableist comment.

Whatever you do NEVER EVER get accommodation from UK Rooms For Rent.

They are Manchester based and are absolutely diabolical. Absolute crooks.

It’s funny I was emotionally abused and bullied by my mother for decades and finally stood up to her and told her she needed to stop treating me the way she did and apologise. She refused and I never saw her again. I’m not actually sure who went NC with who! I think technically she went NC with me as I was always clear if she was prepared to sit down and discuss her behaviour I was open to that. She was a total narcissist

my friends say that Dd bullies me like my mum bullied me. I just seem to have swapped one for the other. I worry that she’s very like my mum was.

From your description, it's unlikely that she will be capable of working as an Architect. Tens of thousands of £ worth of debt for nothing. I wouldn't 'invest' your money in this enterprise. She has already shown what she thinks of your hard earned savings in blowing what was supposed to be a house deposit on nearly a year of expensive indulgence.

Just seen she’s already done undergraduate. She is taking the piss! House share is absolutely fine.

Your second paragraph - absolutely hits the nail on the head!!! @ElbowsUpRising Approach her with this?

I would be working out what I could afford and she goes with that, any extra she has to find

'my friends say that Dd bullies me like my mum bullied me. I just seem to have swapped one for the other. I worry that she’s very like my mum was.'

Your friends are right.