Cost of student accommodation, I could cry

[ElbowsUpRising]

So Dd has found out today she’s been accepted into Manchester and is looking at accommodation, of course all the stuff she likes is £260 a week. 51 week contract as well! It’s all the fancy, swish stuff though she is adamant the reason she wants the expensive stuff is because she’s prioritising her safety as she wants something close as she’s “terrified of getting raped” if she has to walk back to her digs late at night.

she won’t consider a house share, she won’t consider cheaper halls a bit further out.

so accommodation is looking at 13k a year! She will get minimum student loan so think that’s 5k.

she won’t be able to work partly due to her health- she has fibromyalgia but nowhere near bad enough for PIP. Also she will be doing architecture Masters which if anything like her undergraduate degree will be too full on to be able to work as well.

so we will need to find another 8k a year plus however much she will need per week for food, etc. I’m guessing over £50 a week. Nearer £100 a week? So another 5k. How the fuck do people find 13k a year?

im trying to impress on her the difference that cheaper accommodation will make on her (us) and she’s just going nuts and accusing me of risking her safety and putting her at risk of being raped!

Is £260 a week normal?

Ask for the money back. Do not pay for the flight to Canada.

Yes, absolutely don't pay for the flight to Canada. She needs to have a few tough lessons and learn to value people and other things too.

Give her the budget you can manage and drop the rope. She can sort herself out. I'd left home two years and was working full time and renting a three bed at her age. I then went to college on a grant (boomer) and it was next to bugger all so had to live on rice and brussel tops. Managed though. Got the qualification that saw me through the next 45 years.

Neither area is what you’d call posh however they’re what you’d expect - studenty and full of other similar aged folk of around 18-25.

Manchester has a good bus network and most will run frequently through the night. So long as she uses decent common sense when back and forth between her home and uni (use well lit streets, don’t walk with headphones on when it’s dark, no back alleys, be aware of what’s going on around you) I don’t see there’d be an issue.

I’ve always lived in Manchester - in some rather ropey places (think newton heath and failsworth) so slightly rougher than where the student areas are.

I think your daughter is being manipulative. I have several of my own DDs- if you can’t afford it then she needs to work as hard as possible in school holidays to bank funds to cover her cost of living.

I’m sorry but this is outrageous. Does she think you have a magic money tree? My DD went to uni and her campus was in a dodgy part of London. I was a single parent/carer and was only able to contribute a tiny amount when she was a bit short. Her father gave what had been her child maintenance amount to her every month. Otherwise it was a loan and she worked. There was no choice. She wasn’t raped or attacked. She was sensible. She stayed in halls the first year and then found a flat share. Your daughter is old enough to sort this out herself without expecting you to bankrupt yourself for her taste in accommodation. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but that’s the reality of the situation. She sounds incredibly entitled.

You don't have to fund any of it.

When she completes the student loan paperwork and it comes to you (if she puts your name down to say you're supporting her financially), you can say no.

She needs to real in her expectations and you need to put your foot down and put some boundaries in place.

She sounds very entitled and your enabling her by continually paying for everything.

I took a breath at DS’ current £220/pw self-catering but at least it’s only 39wks.

In your shoes I’d find a reasonable accommodation and offer her the going rate for that hall. If she wants ‘better’ she needs to top it up herself. It doesn’t grow on trees unfortunately.

I really really feel for you, as a mother whose daughter also became an entitled brat. I spent nearly three years being used as a verbal punchbag, in between times when she ignored us completely (so I was scared stiff, rather than enjoying the peace). It’s very very hard, but you have to hold firm. One thing we learned was if you give in to this, there’ll be something else.

She's clearly being completely ridiculous about the levwl.of rape threat and should look at cheaper shared accommodation. I presume she's 21? You should be able to have an adult conversation and explain your financial constraints then stand your ground

You might want to tell your daughter two key characteristics in being a good architect are

Money management
and Empathy

As an aside re her getting a job
The postgrad course is no more onerous than the Undergrad. There’s a longer disseratation and the set projects require more complexity ( as does more in-depth research on the dissertation ) but from a work load point of view. It’s very similar.
If she’s not working now she could start on research areas for her dissertation to at least give her a head start

Just read this. I wouldn't be giving a further penny. She's an adult and can make her own way in the world with this grand attitude. Uni is a luxury.

I would have shut down entirely at this point.

You might be doing her a favour if you just let her get on with it rather than this awful negotiating and manipulating. She clearly doesn't give a rats ass if she leaves you skint @ElbowsUpRising

So if you suspect she "saved nothing" during her period working - and this despite living with you for free - how is she funding the ambitious travel plans?

Edited to add ignore me; I see she's using money you saved to help her with a future deposit, plus the rest about her attitude if she hears the word no

Sounds to me like a wake-up call's needed for this particular little madam, not only for your sake but also for hers since the world really doesn't work this way

As you are funding her you can make it clear that the budget is £xx. And if she cuts you off, then the money stops. It seems that £££ is the only language she recognises.

My youngest son finished his Masters at Manchester last year. He got a postgrad bedsit in Fallowfield, so uni accommodation but his floor was all post grad bed sits. I can’t remember the cost but nothing like what your daughter wants. The bus service is fast, reliable and there are plenty of buses to get. It’s also only a 20 minute walk to the main uni buildings on Oxford Road.

Op, you said she cut contact with you before.
What made her resume contact?

She keeps cutting you off/threatening you because it works.

The more detail you describe the more aghast I am that you are giving her anything.

She may flounce off, but maybe that’s actually what’s needed. For both of you to get some space from each other.

So can actually feel the consequences of your lack of support and for you to find your backbone and realise that she’s been emotionally blackmailing you for years.

Not a chance i’d be paying for that, she is manipulative and abusive. She can use that 20k to fund it. Sorry but she’s a spoiled brat and i’m afraid a problem of your own making.

"How the fuck do people find 13k a year?"
Well most people don't do masters, so they don't find it.
And by the time they've got to that age/level it's for THEM to find, not their parents. I worked throughout my BA, in the holidays and for a few years between degree and post grad to afford mine. Others work while studying. Many live in house shares or cheap accommodation.

It's only the richest who go straight from uni to post grad AND live in the most expensive accommodation AND don't work at all.

If her course is so incredibly intensive she can't possibly even pick up 1 shift a week in tescos then she won't be out late most nights, will she?

If you subsidise expensive accommodation now then she's not going to suddenly be okay to slum it when she starts work, and even a well paid job like architecture isn't going to pay millions in the first few years, so unless you nip it in the bud now you'll be paying out for years.

I'd just go grey rock. Like a toddler choosing clothes, give them some element of independence out of set options. 'Well of course it's up to you where you live dear. You'll get X amount of loan, we're prepared to pay (cost of the cheaper halls per year), it's up to you whether you live somewhere within that budget or make up the difference yourself.'

If she starts banging on again about you putting her at risk then just keep repeating "I don't have any opinion on where you live. I've told you how much we can afford to give you, the rest of is for you to work out." Turn it back on her "If you're old enough to live independently you're old enough to sort your own budget, adults don't want mummy and daddy paying them pocket money and deciding where they live."

Which building is she studying in asthmatic could make a difference but similar place to where your looking on Oxford place which is behind MRI is https://www.google.com/search?q=Homes+for+Students+Oxney+House+&+Gardens&ludocid=1397165886355497151&ibp=gwp;0,7&source=g.page.m._#lpg=cid:CgIgAQ%3D%3D

Which is cheaper than way she is looking at.

Or here near victoria station

https://essentialstudentliving.com/student-accommodation/manchester/ashton-house/classic-room

I suppose it really does depend on which building she will be in. Manchester is a very busy place and does have pockets that are best avoided on your own such as walking along the canal at night or any back streets but overall it's not that bad to navigate around safely though as always as a woman be on your guard.

Get personal are good for safety key rings that contain legal safety devices for the UK.

Jakers, son did architecture in Leeds lived in the Plaza. Very safe and close to the studios. It's £175 per week for 40 weeks so £7700 for the year. £13000 is ridiculous.

"Classic | The Plaza | Accommodation | Leeds Beckett University" https://www.leedsbeckett.ac.uk/student-experience/accommodation/the-plaza/classic/#:~:text=%C2%A3175.00%20per%20week%20/%20%C2%A3,in%20the%20heart%20of%20Leeds.

Yes this is exactly what you need to do.

There is absolutely no way on god’s earth that I would be paying a SINGLE PENNY towards this post-grad accommodation in this situation. She should clearly use the 20k plus earnings until September to fund it herself. She’s absolutely taking the piss. Worried about being raped between a bus stop and halls in Manchester but happy to travel around Vietnam? Rubbish.Too tired for a part time job but happy to travel all around the world? What utter bollocks.

She’s intent on frittering her own money away but don’t let her spend yours. You’ve simply got to put your foot down here- for her benefit as much as yours. People who grow up spoilt and entitled do not have happy lives.

All architects have to do part 2 and most do it after part 1. Want the job, do part 2. No option not to do it.

However, she doesn’t sound employable. It’s a hugely competitive career. Best scenario - stays in Canada with boyfriend. I’d play hard ball. As for the manipulation - stand up for yourself.

@ElbowsUpRising did she do her undergraduate degree in the Manchester university?

Did things get better?

OP you’re going to have to be brave and call a halt to this nonsense. No more funding. Yes, she might ‘punish’ you by walking away, but she will be back, I guarantee it. She’s relying on you being too scared/guilt ridden to stand up to her. Call her bluff.

Good luck, I do really feel for you.