What can I do with this sense of loss? **Title edited by MNHQ**

[MovingonupScotland]

Any ideas for coping with the sense of loss? Dropped my dc off for their first term at Uni last week. Since getting home I've spent most of the time in tears. I feel so unbearably lost. Thanks 😢

Very well said.

You are not hard hearted at all. You are very much part of the majority of parents at this exciting time.
Of course, not every parent - and the feelings of those who feel upset are 100% as valid as other parents, but a few parents feeling differently does not make you hard hearted at all.

@BitOutOfPractice, that post is stupidly rude and hostile, as well as being totally inaccurate about the OP's posts on the thread.

And what is it that you want from her to demonstrate that she has "engaged" in a manner of which you approve? -- a little workbook detailing how she has implemented the suggestions?

Read my last post.i asked them to change it so that the word grief wasn't triggering for people in their active feed.

Other posters detailed her thread. Not the other way round.

This mum just wanted some support for how she felt after dropping her child after university. Yet so many people just picked at her words. Typical MN.

I agree with this. I see the job of a parent to raise a child to adulthood and launch them as best as possible. Of course it’s not always a straight road, and not possible for all. I have that in my own family.

but I am often struck by how going to university/leaving home appears to come as such a shock to some parents. I’m not belittling their feelings, but I am surprised at the depth of them.

@TheBers2024 you are so offensive

I don't think it is a generational thing. I think we are all just different from one another and have relationships with our own children that are different in texture from those in other families.

There is a whole spectrum of feeling in response to dc going off to university: grief (yes, grief), relief, an absence of any strong feeling (perhaps because the child has been quite independent and autonomous for a while and university isn't a cliff edge of any sort), overwhelming anxiety (which has the effect of crowding out all the other emotions that might otherwise be felt), and presumably lots of other feelings that don't happen to occur to me because they are outside of my own particular mindset.

It's all ok. So is using the words that come naturally to us to express our feelings.

What a fantastic post. Everything you say is so true. 👏

I noticed someone just used "grief" on another thread- in reference to the end of a 35 year relationship (with a cheating husband).

Let's see if there is a pile on about it there.I hope not.

I don't particularly mind people using "grief" for a loss that doesn't involve a death.

I just don't think that it's a sensible framing for a child going off to uni, which is an overwhelmingly good thing. Sure feel a bit sad, but experiencing it as a loss rather than a change or a next step is a bit much. But OP doesn't seem to want to actually discuss her feelings or why they're so extreme or what she might do to move past them.

Agree.

But OP doesn't seem to want to actually discuss her feelings or why they're so extreme or what she might do to move past them.

Hmm - cos this thread is SUCH a safe space.

Good job nobody said it was a bereavement then isn’t it?

Sure feel a bit sad, but experiencing it as a loss rather than a change or a next step is a bit much.

So are you saying people who feel a sense of loss when their child leaves home should not have those feelings? I find that view strange.

I think it’s mixed for many people. For me, of course I had a sense of loss! My children who I loved and lived with me for 18y had left home and it was a huge symbolic change. I also felt proud of them and really really excited for the next chapter of their lives. I feel privileged and lucky that I have kids thriving at university. I have a great job and busy social life and enjoy my weeks. I still have a twinge when they go back after the holidays and miss them. It is possible to have all these feelings at once and that’s ok.

Hello, everyone.

We think it's abundantly clear from the OP that she is looking for support and has no intention of offending anyone. We're not seeing much understanding of that throughout this thread.

We’ve removed several posts haranguing the OP simply because you disagree with her choice of words. Even when the title was changed - at their request- it carried on. The OP was expressing their personal feelings—feelings that are valid, no matter how different they may be from your own.

It’s important to remember that just because we don’t resonate with someone’s experience doesn’t give us carte blanche to invalidate or attack it. The OP was clear in her post that she’s feeling a profound sense of loss as her daughter leaves for university. Comparing this to grief is her way of processing these emotions, and that’s her reality. Piling on someone because of how they choose to describe their feelings is not only unhelpful, it goes against the supportive environment we all want here.

We all experience life in different ways, and empathy means trying to understand—even when we disagree. Let’s keep Mumsnet where people can come for help, not fear being criticised for their emotions.

Thanks for understanding.

Hear hear.

A reminder of the OP. This is someone feeling awful right now. Have a heart.

Dropped my dc off for their first term at Uni last week. Since getting home I've spent most of the time in tears. I feel so unbearably lost. Thanks 😢

OP has your child been in touch? Both mine struggled in the first month. Strangely that zapped me out of broken-hearted mode and into supportive mum mode. They still need us from afar.

Can you plan a visit for say November? Book a hotel to make it ‘real’? It is a real wrench but I promise it gets easier.

Oh, thank you Becky MN! What a lovely post xxx

Indeed, very good.

Hi OP.
I haven't read the whole thread but I just wanted to say to be careful about how you speak to your daughter about it. My mother is a narcissist and now see that we were truly enmeshed but when I went to uni my mum was clearly miserable. She would send me messages like 'house is so empty/ I don't know what to do with myself/it's breaking my heart' although usually with some kind of 'but I'm so proud of you/hope you're enjoying yourself' stuff. I felt so responsible for her emotions and she'd subtly make me feel so guilty for abandoning her, not messaging back quick enough, not coming home enough.
I'm sure you won't do any of that and it's ok to let her know you miss her, but be so careful about how you do it.

As I said in a previous post we can experience a sense of loss when our child leaves home more profoundly because it revives feelings of other losses we've experienced.

That's one reason why some people feel it more than others.

I found this period last year extremely difficult, made worse because DS was unhappy and his classmates were (and are) unfriendly. He's resigned himself to being alone and treats it as a job. This year is somewhat easier (he hasn't gone yet but spent a month there over the summer on an internship) but I still don't like it when he's not here, it affects my mood considerably.

So, I hear you @MovingonupScotland . These are the toughest weeks. Take care of yourself.