What can I do with this sense of loss? **Title edited by MNHQ**

[MovingonupScotland]

Any ideas for coping with the sense of loss? Dropped my dc off for their first term at Uni last week. Since getting home I've spent most of the time in tears. I feel so unbearably lost. Thanks 😢

However that's not to say that the feeling your baby no longer needs ( or wants) you is any less real. It's a loss every parent that has spent 18 years loving and keeping them safe feels.

No, every parent doesn't feel this at all.
Most of us are proud to see the young adult we have brought up ready to start the next chapter.
Do we miss them ? Probably most parents do have a twinge of 'are they okay? / will they be alright ? / oh, the house is quiet without them' type thoughts, but I can' only think of one person of many, many dozens of parents I know whose dc have gone to University who felt "a real loss". Most parents miss them a bit and get on with everything else going on in their lives, then before you turn round they are back for Christmas.

I think you can be both happy for them and that they are hopefully enjoying uni life and feel sad or nostalgic about your empty nest and phase in your life which has come to an end.

This thread is in the Higher Education section and is not, actually, about the loss of a child.

My heart truly goes out to that anyone who goes through a loss of that magnitude and a grief so profound.

The OP is not comparing it to that experience. Grief is not reserved for the death of a loved one, it's a legitimate human emotion felt in response to many things, some of which may seem trivial to others.

Maybe I'll feel differently when mine get there, they're little still. But gosh. Raising a child to early adulthood, happy and healthy enough to go away for uni. That's winning the jackpot of life. We lost a dear member of our extended family when she was student age, I just can't get on board with describing something so happy and healthy and normal as grief. Bittersweet perhaps.

Yes, everyone knows it's the worst grief you can go through. I knew it was the worst grief you could go through. Until it happened though, I actually had no clue. It reaches into everything for years. If you haven't been through it, you actually have no understanding of what 'worst grief' means. It's not something anyone should have to understand.

I'll give OP a pass because she said it's 'like grief', and it is a grief. But it's not the kind of grief that comes with the loss of a child. It's a change, not a real loss. Even if a parent finds it distressing, and those feelings deserve to be acknowledged, they'll get over it. You don't with a child death. And there will be future joys - coming home, holidays, marriages, grandchildren maybe, phone calls, messages, etc. That's all lost when a child dies.

Well said.

This is exactly how it is for most people.

While I think the use of the word grief is a bit much op, I do know what a hard time it can be so I’m not going to beat you up about that.

What have you got going on in YOUR life that you can use to help you see this as an exciting new start for you, not just your DC? That was the key for me. To set myself that positive mind set.

It's very sweet, but I say this kindly, what do you plan to do now?
You are obviously missing them and you need to be looking forward to the next phase in both your lives, it should be exciting and a chance for new experiences for both of you.
You are still a mother, you always will be, but who else are you?

Wow. Just wow. You reach out for support and get slapped in the face. Mumsnet at its best.

Extraordinary to be told my relationship with DC requires me to have therapy, that it's unhealthy, that I need to get a life basically, and that I will never cope with a marriage - just extraordinary when no further details about my personal circumstances have been shared other than a divorce. Thanks for that.

🙏🏼 to those of you who acknowledged the difficulties I am having with this. I'm on the app so tricky to scroll back and find all your names.

Again I apologise to those who have experienced the loss of a child through death, as I did upthread. Grief comes in many forms - and does not just refer to loss through death. It's a word that applies to any context where deep sadness is felt. I appreciate that it may be hard to read for those who have experienced the most extreme loss as a parent. I deliberately chose the Higher Education forum - not sure where else this thread could have gone...

I found eldest dd hard as was a few hours away. But we spoke/text every day or so. And we visited at half term then she came back at Xmas. Middle one was an hour away so saw her loads. Youngest is disabled and may not go.

People feeling like this, did you have a great relationship with your teens and see a lot of them? As a veteran of the terrible teens threads, I'm interested to know how it all plays out longer term.

Aww @MovingonupScotland i left mine in another country this weekend and felt a bit bereft and mine was a weekly boarder so it caught me by surprise. I think the distance for me is the issue. She won’t just be popping home. I am also knackered from early flights etc so I expect part of your emotional state will be tiredness if yours is 500 miles away? I’m sorry you’ve had a pile-on whilst asking for help. I’m also sorry for everyone on this thread who has experienced the death of a child.

Personally, I got home yesterday, put pyjamas on and sat and watched shite tv to take my mind off things. I’ve allowed myself one day to wallow. Today, I will be better placed to start the new chapter of my life and focus on putting myself first for a bit. It’s been an emotional couple of years - GCSES then A levels combined with being a carer for elderly parents (now passed) so I’m looking forward to having to only keep my own shit to remember in my head!!

Hope you feel better today.

@aramox1 I do have a good relationship with my DD but I don’t think that this affects how much you might miss them!

I had a great relationship with my teens. I was sad but it's a temporary sadness and I felt confident that we'd have plenty of ongoing contact. Now I feel proud telling people what they are up to, which is quite a different experience to the usual bursting into tears when people ask about my middle child who died.

It passes love, I promise. 500 miles away is tough though. The pain will ease over the coming weeks.

I guess the hardest part for me was the realisation that they may never come home again and may stay in their uni city or elsewhere.

In the end we had several years across the two of them where they went to uni, came home for holidays, worked away with work, came home to save up before going for good at 25 and 24. Those in-between years made it much easier, I waved them off and cheered in the end.

I think there is a lot t this. When I was a child I pretty much did whatever my parents were doing in terms of trips to shops etc. now parents plan their weekends around their chidlren’s activities.

I'm 50 and I know my mother missed when when I left. I used to play a musical instrument and she used to play CD recordings of the music I used to play to fill the silence. But yes, we definitely fit in with our parents for the most part.

I don't recognise this from 30 years ago. My parents took me to university and dropped me off and bought me stuff, I went home regularly as I was only an hour away, and went out with old friends from school as well as university friends. I wasn't desperate to get away as they were good parents and I got on with them. I think desperate to get away is rather a sad state of affairs. Ready to spread your wings, sure.

We used to plan activities around the kids some weekends more when they were little, or at least to spend some quality time together- bit sad if it's all housework and shopping. I used to go to dance classes which took up a lot of Saturday 40 years ago, my dad did the food shopping while I was there. It's unlikely that parents needing to work full time these days will be spending all their weekends with the kids but trying to strike a balance. As they get older and into their teens they plan their own activities with their mates, so by the time they go away it would be unlikely that weekends had been filled with family activities for several years.

Grief is loss, bereavement is loss due to death.

I thought we were past dismissing people's feelings 🤷.

@aramox1 I think it is more complex interplay than how often you see them. One factor is how well the child is adjusting. Obviously if that is bumpy then it feels much harder and we have had quite a few bumps in the first year. I think perhaps a gap year would help here so they are a little more independent when going to university. I think some teenagers 'soil the nest' making it a less pleasant place for everyone in the years leading up to the separation which might make it slightly easier to deal with.

Another issue is how much of a helicopter parent you have been. If you have found it hard to let go or been really anxious in the teenage years when they have gone out to a big city alone/ gone to a party etc then you might find it harder. A third issue is how you personally find it dealing with different issues. I tend to be more a live in the moment sort of person and so I found it easier than dh who tends to think over situations again. I was also straight back in to helping the younger ones with school issues and adjusting themselves to their sibling being away.

Things which have helped are having other things to focus on, such as work, being interested and involved in the planning to go but more as an observer. I think perhaps dh hadn't really been too involved in getting things ready so it felt like more of a shock when the weekend came. You don't want to do too much though because it is an important step for the child. So prompting you might want a frying pan rather than choosing the frying pan for them.

Ultimately for some people it is a big impact on their lives but it is a normal step for the child to make, there is support for them at the university and it is a great opportunity for them and for you.

It's not really a loss though. It's a change. A huge change, but it's really something we prepare 18+ years for and a positive to see our children doing well and establishing their own lives. The whole goal of parenting! Change can bring sadness but if you experience it as a loss, it's a bit unhealthy.

I think it is a kind of grief, however @ting a poster has just spoken about the awful loss of their child is really misguided.

I wonder if posters who don't feel sympathetic are maybe confusing grief and bereavement here. You can absolutely experience grief at any loss (and change such as adult kids leaving for uni also may come with a sense of loss) but bereavement is an experience of losing someone to death. It therefore might be disrespectful to those people to call the feelings a parent has when an adult child leaves home "bereavement" but grief can come in different forms.

Something/someone is gone. It's a loss. Of course it is

It's a weird loss and a weird grief because it's interwoven with pride and joy and internal cheering them on

But it's still a loss and it's still grief

I just felt a little flat. It didn't feel like grief to me at all.
DD had taken a gap year, had visited friends at university and travelled and was more than ready for university.

I felt sad for her at the beginning of her gap year when all her friends had gone and she hadn't yet found a job. Her life felt empty, and she did feel directionless.

I was excited for her to go away, and it was easier for us as she was only 2 hours away.