What can I do with this sense of loss? **Title edited by MNHQ**

[MovingonupScotland]

Any ideas for coping with the sense of loss? Dropped my dc off for their first term at Uni last week. Since getting home I've spent most of the time in tears. I feel so unbearably lost. Thanks 😢

Yes but it’s unfair to berate the OP for writing about her feelings towards her child going to university, on a higher education board.

To my mind, part of the problem is the wording of the title 'It's like grief'. The use of 'like' clearly indicates that she is comparing her sadness to the kind of grief experienced at a bereavement. That is offensive, thoughtless and self-absorbed. And I haven't read all OP's posts, but if she has been sniping at bereaved mothers, she should be ashamed of herself.

It would have been different if she'd used an expression like 'sense of loss' or even 'grieving over dc going to university' -. using the verb in the same way as we use it when talking about 'grieving' a relationship, a career or other lost happiness. But to say 'it's like grief' was clearly intended to mean 'it's like bereavement-grief'. And if I had ever been in the terrible position of having lost a child, I think I would find that an almighty slap in the face too, tbh.

The proactive intentional weaponised offence-taking at the use of a standard English word "grief" to mean sad is pathetic and bullying.

What is with this victim culture that unless you're the saddest person in the room you aren't allowed to say you feel sad or use a basic English word to describe it?

Grief does not only apply to bereavement.

Having had someone close die doesn't make you the only person allowed to complain, feel upset or use the word grief. Her use of the word grief has no bearing on your loss.

The power grabbing offence taking is vicious, self-centred and unnecessary.

Mumsnet is a broad church and it's ok to feel sad about things other than the most appalling event you could possibly imagine in life and to express this in the appropriate area of the board and seek support in the language you choose. And you should be able to do this without people taking things out of context and berating you for it.

The most trivial to the most serious events are discussed on the boards.

I don't think you've understood the point I was making. 'Grieving', fine. 'Like [bereavement-] grief', not so. IMO.

Regardless of that pedantic point about 'like grief', the OP was expressing an entirely genuine and reasonable reaction, an entirely normal set of emotions, and it has been absolutely foul to see people jumping on the chance to attack her for simply asking for support. Yes, worse things happen , but we can still feel grief stricken by less severe things that happen in our lives, including things that are joyful but nonetheless challenging. Honestly, why do people feel so much of a need to represent others in an unreasonably harsh light? What the hell do you get from it?

The OP specifically said she used the word "like" so as not to monopolise the word grief or trivialise grief from actual bereavement.

Personally I would have called it "A kind of grief".

And I don't think the OP deserves the level of grief (as in trouble or annoyance) directed at her on this thread.

DD goes on Saturday and I feel as if someone is squeezing my heart.
I am so happy and excited for her but I feel as if I am losing her because it will never be the same.
I had such a tricky pregnancy with her followed by PND and wasn't very keen on her at all for the first year or so and I would give anything to have that time again but I know I can't.

I feel your pain OP. I agree this probably isn't the best place for support.

I think it is a kind of grief. My younger son is severely disabled and I get waves of intense and crippling regret and sadness that will follow me my entire life of what we have lost, what will never be. That feels like the feelings I had when my parents died. A feeling it will never be OK again. I guess we can't use that word. Like my son, no one has died, I need to pretend to be grateful and shove down the feelings as there's always someone worse off.

Your feeling sad as that chapter has gone, you can't get it back and things will never be the same again. Ever. Any they won't be. Childhood is officially over and gone.

I'm getting by cleaning my eldest room and feeling very sad. About everything really. I know that the next phase of his life I will forever be a side note in and that's hard to accept.

But it's how it's meant to be. You don't get to keep them. I won't say be grateful as my disabled son will never to university but thats pure bullshit. Your child isn't my son and I'm not you. Be sad, cry. I hear this feeling passes. If all else fails push the feelings down and power through and put them aside to mull over at a later date.

Go clean their room, mutter about how filthy it is and see a glimpse of life not being the carer, cook, pa, taxi driver, ATM etc as I'm sure like my fresher, he has sides that piss me right off. I'm focusing on that right now. My bil said I need to think about my next chapter. I don't want to. I want to go back ten years and stay there forever

I also read the title and thought 'no, it's not', but that doesn't mean I think the OP hasn't got valid feelings of sadness, a loss of their former life and feels awful right now. I knew what this would be about, though, when I clicked on it, and whilst it is hard to cope and adjust, it's surprising how fast you can do this (like weeks or possibly months) which isn't similar to the prolonged and life-long distress of losing someone very close.

There's been lots of great suggestions of places to hang out where there's people feeling similarly, it is a hard time as everything adjusts, and I did cry quite a few tears when mine first went away from home.

Taking the advice to clean their room, feelings of missing them are slightly eased by discovering and disposing of various dusty stashes of vapes, weed paraphernalia etc.

So much love to you - I too am bereaved of a child, my 24 yr old son. I was called out on a different thread for saying that whilst it may be hard/sad/ an adjustment, having a child go off to uni it is most definitely not grief, or anywhere like it. Because it's simply not,and unfortunately the only way to know this is to experience it. xx

I must be hard hearted because I did not feel sad when my 3 DC went off to uni. I knew that their lives were about to open up in exciting ways and that they were on the threshold of a new life. I also knew they would be bobbing back and forth to see their boyfriends bearing bags of washing and tales of their adventures ... well, the repeatable ones!!

That’s your experience, not that of all of us who went to uni 35-40 years ago!

Mine is over 500 miles away so no popping back. I will see him at Christmas if I'm lucky. He has bad MH so I'm hoping there is no crisis as there won't be any mercy dashes for him either. It took about 7 hours to get there to drop him off with the M25 and a stop.

It feel most definitely like he has moved out. He might pop back for Christmas and summer but I don't expect much more.

I'm finding this good therapy. So much dust encrusted socks. Teabagboxes from 2021. Filthy git. Makes me miss him a tiny bit less pulling out socks from his college notes 🤢🤮

So sorry for your loss. It’s unbelievable that people would call you out after hearing your experience. Words fail me at times.

Nailed it 👏 This explains it very well

Totally agree with the last 2 posters
Has upset me ,people saying I have no right to say what I have said and can feel the black dog coming on
Am going to step away from this

Absolute semantics.

This. ❤️ What a wonderful post and very admirable.
Poor OP was looking for support and has been totally berated by some who believe she was being offensive by her choice of words. If OP has not had a child die, how can she possibly know what it feels like… that doesn’t mean that her current feelings aren’t real and in need of some support!
Perspective is only possible when one can see from both sides.
I’’m truly sorry for those who have lost children and have spoken of their loss.
But to others on this thread who are persisting with negative comments, Be kind and remember ’we rise by lifting others’
You may have already left OP, but best wishes and I hope the feelings ease soon.

I have sought assistance for the thread title to be changed and once I have managed that I will be off.

The semantics around the use of the word grief is extraordinary. The hijacking of a thread that I started in the most appropriate forum on this site (higher education), looking for support, has been vicious.

I was not snipey to mothers who have lost a child @BigWiggg - I snapped to one mother @PuppiesLove, and for that I apologise. I'm hurting. Not competitive hurting. Just hurting. I have been vilified on this thread by people who have put words into my mouth and I snapped. I shouldn't have.

AT NO TIME HAVE I USED THE WORD BEREAVEMENT FOR MY FEELINGS. It feels like grief, like a sense of loss (as written in my opening post).

Thank you to those who have offered kindness. It is much appreciated.

I didn't feel sad either. I wanted DD to go and to make new friends and have new experiences.

She is back home now and working. Hopefully she will be off again soon for post grad.

Thank you MNHQ

What an odd decision by MNHQ.
It makes so many of the posts - the vast majority of this thread - make no sense.