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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Don't know how I feel about DS going to Uni

102 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/08/2024 22:23

I am obviously very proud, but veer between being so very sad and so very happy for him.

I feel such mixed emotions to the extent that I dont know how I actually feel.

All the emotions are mixed up!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
Tortiemiaw · 19/08/2024 12:05

MelodyMalone · 19/08/2024 11:22

It's going to be weird for me, as I haven't lived in a house without a child in it for 32 years 😆 (DS was 15 when DD was born).

I'm sure life will be tidier and quieter, but I can't really say I'm looking forward to it.

Similar here! 35 years for us! DS did come back for a year after university but now he's gone for good and the eldest is mid thirties with own home and children so it's unlikely they'll be back! There have obviously been times when the youngest has stayed out, gone on holiday etc...but this is going to be strange - of course we prepared them all to be independent and confident about going but it's still emotional!

mummaof5nannyto1 · 19/08/2024 12:06

I feel this , my son is off to uni in a few weeks too 😭

Funkyslippers · 19/08/2024 12:08

My dd1 left 2 years ago, 160 miles away. I didn't know how I would be but I cried a lot for the first couple of weeks especially when I first went into her empty bedroom! I was just getting better when I dreamed she'd come home & then it put me back to square one!

After a couple of weeks though I got used to having more time for myself, OH & dd2. Dd1 & I talk or message every single day so we're still extremely close & I'm so happy she's made loads of lovely friends. It's now a bit of an adjustment when she comes home every few months!

Panicmode1 · 19/08/2024 12:08

It's such a time of mixed emotions, isn't it? You are excited for them and their future and the wonderful things awaiting them in young adulthood, but at the same time, selfishly want to keep them safe at home!

I was in pieces for a while after my eldest left - every time I laid the table for 5 instead of 6, I'd have another little cry! DH indulged me for a bit but eventually asked how long this was going to keep happening for (whilst simultaneously sending DS loads of 'hope you are OK' /pictures of the dog messages!)

When DD left the following year, I found it hard because she's my only daughter and I'm very close to her. However, both of them are SO happy in their respective uni towns, have excellent friends, are loving their courses and so I know that they are doing exactly what they want to be doing.

Roots and wings are the paradoxical things we hope to have given our children, and I think we've succeeded (so far - have 2 more to go yet!).

NoraLuka · 19/08/2024 12:13

DD1 is leaving in a couple of weeks and I’m sure I’ll be sad but at the same time I’m excited for her, we live in a village in the middle of nowhere and lovely as it is, she does need to go and see more of the world. Hopefully she’ll come back to see us often enough!

Also DD2 is a year younger and won’t do anything at all due to depression and anxiety. That really does upset me so I think on balance I’m glad DD1 is about to move onto the next stage of her life.

tisallabitofafaff · 19/08/2024 12:20

DD is independent and she is ready to go. I am thrilled she is going. It's a celebration. She's often out anyway, doing her own thing and rightly so. I didn't think i would feel this way. Doesn't stop me from suddenly feeling emotional about it. I won't be putting any pressure on her. In fact, I haven't talked to anyone about it except my mum. This is a good place to let go.
When she was younger, I was very ready for her to go 😄but as she's matured, she has been good company when she is around and I will miss her.

RampantIvy · 19/08/2024 12:30

we live in a village in the middle of nowhere and lovely as it is, she does need to go and see more of the world.

Yes. DD wanted a city university and not a campus for the same reason. She is home temporarily and is already struggling with our poor public transport. I had to take her to a job interview the other week because her train was cancelled. (she got the job BTW).

Oblomov24 · 19/08/2024 12:30

I too like Margaux view:

"they are not ours, they are children of the earth, entrusted to us for a short time."

You are just a guider, a custodian, encouraging them to become the most rounded person they can be, you he happy and content.

If you do that job, it's enough.

I take pleasure that I have done a good job helping ds1 to get to where he is. Change your mindset, take pleasure in your dc's accomplishments.

I enjoyed dropping ds1 off and wishing him all the best, to enjoy it to the full.

RampantIvy · 19/08/2024 12:33

Oblomov24 · 19/08/2024 12:30

I too like Margaux view:

"they are not ours, they are children of the earth, entrusted to us for a short time."

You are just a guider, a custodian, encouraging them to become the most rounded person they can be, you he happy and content.

If you do that job, it's enough.

I take pleasure that I have done a good job helping ds1 to get to where he is. Change your mindset, take pleasure in your dc's accomplishments.

I enjoyed dropping ds1 off and wishing him all the best, to enjoy it to the full.

I agree @Oblomov24
I am proud of how confident and independent DD has become.
She had a bit of a torrid time at school and it massively affected her self esteem. Fortunately she is out the other side. Three years at university, then two years living in flats and working with the public has toughened her up no end.

VanCleefArpels · 19/08/2024 12:34

The main thing to remember is that it’s ok to feel the feelings but keep it from the student - they will be feeling their own stuff and it’s not fair to add to that list worrying about mum/dad!! (Having said that I recall with a cringe the snotty mess I was in the Halls carpark saying goodbye after dropping off 😂)

Panicmode1 · 19/08/2024 12:39

VanCleefArpels · 19/08/2024 12:34

The main thing to remember is that it’s ok to feel the feelings but keep it from the student - they will be feeling their own stuff and it’s not fair to add to that list worrying about mum/dad!! (Having said that I recall with a cringe the snotty mess I was in the Halls carpark saying goodbye after dropping off 😂)

Yes this...don't let them know how you feel - drive off and dissolve once out of sight!

(My mother said she used to drive to a friend's house (also a boarding school parent) after dropping my brother or me at boarding school for a new term, and both of them would have a stiff whisky and a good cry!)

FlippyFloppyShoe · 19/08/2024 12:40

Are any of you single parents? Just wondering if I will ever feel like this or because I've had to have my children leave on a regularish basis since age 4 when I really did feel the loss, I will be fine when they leave as adults?

Investinmyself · 19/08/2024 12:53

I’m excited for DD just glad we know where she’s going and can get sorted. She’s ready to go.
It will be strange and I’ll miss her but I imagine she’ll come home occasionally and I can go and see her once she’s settled in.
I have a full on job, volunteer role and hobbies. Going to get a gym membership.
If you are feeling bereft with lots of time on hands then Girlguiding are desperate for volunteers.

PotentialUCLmum · 19/08/2024 15:37

TizerorFizz · 19/08/2024 11:51

I actively wanted my DDs to go and I never felt like this. They had been very independent and uni was just another stage of this. We didn’t live lives embroiled in each other. There are different styles of parenting and we saw independence and decision making for themselves as being vital for growing up. No they didn’t come home for Sunday lunch, but they could cook it themselves!

Not sure if this was a dig at my Sunday Lunch comment....?

My DD can certainly cook a roast herself. Indeed she did so recently when away with pals because no one else knew what to do. She was also the only person to notice the Iron was not working at School and the only person who could help the younger kids work the washing machine. I have no worries about her independence. However, there is something comforting about having your Mum cook for you - and I say this as someone who did not have a nurturing Mother and with whom I did not have a great relationship and therefore had zero support. My love language to my family and loved ones is through cooking and doing /showing how to do all the stuff that my Mother did not ever do for me. That doesn't mean that my DD doesn't muck in or know how to do things for herself.

You are correct, we all have different parenting styles and we all muddle through. Some of us are excited for our YP's to have a new adventure, others will feel bereft and both feelings are valid. I also think that the proximity to your child makes a difference to how you might feel and I acknowledge that I feel quite ok right now but if she was off to St Andrew's I might feel somewhat different about it all!

TizerorFizz · 19/08/2024 15:48

If they are 6 hours away, Sunday lunch is probably out. It wasn’t a dig but dc who cannot use transport or cook much are a bit under prepared.

Nothing wrong with sharing an Uber. Can be safer than walking after public transport stops. Eg coming home from parties and nights out. Safety first always. Especially for girls,

HotChocWine · 19/08/2024 15:55

I have a year to go, then both leaving at the same time, one for uni and the other to the Military. They will be 18 and 17, and despite me saying I can't wait, in reality I'll be devastated

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/08/2024 16:06

I had a little wobble before dd went off in September, but she settled in fine and tbh it quickly became the new normal! It's been nice having her home over the summer, but she's been lounging around doing nothing most of the time, so it's probably good that she's going back soon!

mizu · 19/08/2024 16:07

@JT69 I like that phrase 'muddled emotions', so true.

My DD1 went to uni last year and I drove her back up there (6+ hour drive) last Friday. I stayed the weekend and met flatmates and it was lovely to see them and her in that environment. She's thoroughly enjoying it and is very happy and settled.

Last year when we took her up I missed her of course - and knew I wouldn't see her until Christmas - but as someone at work said to me, this time is a really lovely time, they are back and forth and still around really.

DD2 is going this September (up north too but only about 3.5 hours) and I think it'll hit me harder. No one here at home but me. It'll be quiet.......luckily I have a very busy full time job!

OhshutupNancy · 19/08/2024 16:43

FlippyFloppyShoe · 19/08/2024 12:40

Are any of you single parents? Just wondering if I will ever feel like this or because I've had to have my children leave on a regularish basis since age 4 when I really did feel the loss, I will be fine when they leave as adults?

Yes I'll be alone well just me and the cat. Luckily I love the solitude and my own company. I work long hours in a demanding job and am very much looking forward to not having to think of something to cook for tea. I fear I will survive on cereal!

JT69 · 19/08/2024 17:44

mizu · 19/08/2024 16:07

@JT69 I like that phrase 'muddled emotions', so true.

My DD1 went to uni last year and I drove her back up there (6+ hour drive) last Friday. I stayed the weekend and met flatmates and it was lovely to see them and her in that environment. She's thoroughly enjoying it and is very happy and settled.

Last year when we took her up I missed her of course - and knew I wouldn't see her until Christmas - but as someone at work said to me, this time is a really lovely time, they are back and forth and still around really.

DD2 is going this September (up north too but only about 3.5 hours) and I think it'll hit me harder. No one here at home but me. It'll be quiet.......luckily I have a very busy full time job!

My last one of three went last year and it was a very empty house - just me and the cat and sometimes DH. It took a while to adjust but we do and as we say they are soon back again 😊

Neveragainisaid · 19/08/2024 18:43

Thank you for this thread. This is me! 75% very excited for him and 25% (privately) broken hearted.

mizu · 19/08/2024 18:53

@OhshutupNancy yes! I am looking forward to getting back from work and cooking (or not cooking 😁) what I would like to eat.

Paperthin · 19/08/2024 19:06

I cried all the way home after we dropped off both of ours ( with a 3 year gap). It’s a strange time, and it takes time for everyone to adjust. Emotions are tricky - you are not made of stone - so you can be sad, proud, happy and scared all at one time.
It will get better, as the days and weeks go by it becomes the new normal. And then just as you have the house straight and get into rhythm and routine, they are back for a holiday!

I wouldn’t have it any other way though.
Both are thriving having left home and found their feet in the world. You will adjust, and they will be home for weekend, holidays, passing through to somewhere else….

HuaShan · 19/08/2024 19:19

My ds started university in October 2020 and I found if very hard, particularly after the closeness of lockdown. Then he was back at Christmas and ended up being at home for the rest of the academic year. So we had to do it all again the year after! Through university I got used to the coming and going and he wasn't far away geographically so I took him for lunch once a month. We developed a rhythm. Now he has just moved out and started a job snd I'm grieving all over again. But what I would say is give it time, from experience I'm holding on to the thought that we will develop a new rhythm in time.

StevieCandlewick · 20/08/2024 03:47

We didn’t live lives embroiled in each other.

Odd choice of word - embroiled. I don't see any evidence of that on this thread. Just close families who are going to miss their child when they are no longer a physical part of day to day life at home.

I missed DD when she went to university. My "cool mum" friend was very blasé when her DD left home. People are different!