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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Don't know how I feel about DS going to Uni

102 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 18/08/2024 22:23

I am obviously very proud, but veer between being so very sad and so very happy for him.

I feel such mixed emotions to the extent that I dont know how I actually feel.

All the emotions are mixed up!

Anyone else?

OP posts:
daffodilandtulip · 18/08/2024 22:29

Yep. Midst of the A Levels, and I couldn't wait for her to go. Now it's here and it feels like I don't have long left of her childhood.

I know she'll have the best time and make so much out of her life. There's nothing left around here for young people.

I think she feels similar as we are back to exam style mood swings, as she's crap at expressing herself.

Savoretti · 18/08/2024 22:32

Excited for their future

tisallabitofafaff · 18/08/2024 22:33

Yes. Now it is almost here, I don't want her to go. I never thought I would feel like this. I am also so very excited for her and overwhelmed by the possibilities that lie ahead.

ASongbirdAndAnOldHat · 18/08/2024 22:36

Feel the same. Excited that they are about to make the next step, beyond grateful that they are able to.

But also cast adrift, in a limbo between the last days of their childhood and the first of their adulthood.

Feel emotional for the child they were and the adult they will be. Nothing prepares you for parenting, every stage has its joys and its sorrows.

sweetkitty · 18/08/2024 22:40

I feel the same too. DD2 is moving away for uni next month. She is very close to her siblings and they are really going to miss her too. I cannot believe I’m not going to see her everyday even for a little while.

ChateauMargaux · 18/08/2024 22:53

DS1 left 2 years ago and despite knowing that day was coming for 18 years, we were woefully unprepared. His siblings kept mentioning it too... and we had no idea how to prepare them either.

I drove DS to London and left him for a day before meeting up to help him get a phone, a bank account and some kitchen things we couldn't sort from France.

I had a couple of beautiful interactions with strangers and DS and I were witness to two extraordinary acts of gentle kindness between strangers. These experiences made me feel that DS would be safe in London.

I found it hard to drive home (it's a long way!!!) I felt like I left part of me behind in London. I still do! But it is wonderful when we see him and they are not ours, they are children of the earth, entrusted to us for a short time.

ASongbirdAndAnOldHat · 18/08/2024 22:57

they are not ours, they are children of the earth, entrusted to us for a short time.

We don't believe this though, not when we are knee deep in sleepless nights and nappies, or run ragged by school runs and extra curricular.

We realise too late that these are fleeting moments.

RampantIvy · 18/08/2024 23:01

I remember feeling apprehensive and excited for DD, but not sad. She had had a gap year and was more than ready to start a new chapter.

She was only two hours away, and not far from my late MIL's house that we were trying to sell, so we did visit her a few times during her first couple of terms, then covid happened and she was home for a few months.

I found that when DD was happy and settled then so was I. The expression that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child is so very true.

The only advice I would give is please don't guilt trip your young person into keeping in constant contact with you. If you haven't heard from them for a while send them a picture of the pet or something similar that will elicit a response.

We don't have any pets, but next door's cat is a frequent visitor, so I would send DD pictures of our little visitor.

Ridiculousme · 18/08/2024 23:04

This is all slowly dawning on me after the tense wait for results, the elation of the day and the flurry of activity in getting things for halls.

I spend a lot of time with DD, I suspect I don’t know how much I’m going to miss her, as infuriating as she can be!

ChateauMargaux · 18/08/2024 23:06

When we visited DS at half term, we were so relieved to see he was content that we all relaxed and could speak to each other again, before that, no one had really mentioned his absence and we found reasons not to be together so his absence would be less obvious, despite DH's attempts to get us all together!

MelodyMalone · 18/08/2024 23:07

Yes. Daughter going in 3 weeks. I'm excited for her and also somewhat terrified! We're very close (though she can be unbearable) and I can't even begin to imagine how much I'm going to miss her. She'll only be about an hour and a half's drive away, though.

RampantIvy · 18/08/2024 23:35

One aspect I have read about a lot on WIWIKAU (a Facebook group) is that parents are often surprised that universities don't have half term. They book a holiday for the whole family and are then surprised that their student can't go.

Some courses at some universities have a reading week, but often this is so that the student can catch up with outstanding lectures and assignments.

Another aspect that catches students by surprise is that university is not school. Deadlines are deadlines and have to be met. Late submissions result in marks being deducted. Teaching staff don't remind students about deadlines or chase them for outstanding work. There is no handholding or spoonfeeding. If your young person is not self motivated they will struggle.

OhshutupNancy · 19/08/2024 06:45

No I don't feel like this at all. DS took a year out and is so ready to go. DD left for Uni a couple of years ago so I know what is to come. Luckily DS has 3 close mates all going to the same Uni and I know he is going to have a blast. Me? I am looking forward to an empty house for the first time in 21 years. I think they are exactly where they should be - out in the world and treading their own path.

savoycabbage · 19/08/2024 06:49

My dd will be starting her third year in September. I thought I was going to be bereft when she went and I was really surprised that I wasn't. I do miss her, but I love how much fun she is having. She is really enjoying her course and living in a city with lots of people her age.

I was also quite taken aback at how much less I had to do without her in the house. Even though she pulled her weight at home, one less person did make a difference which is something I hadn't considered.

Also, the holidays are really long. Really long. My dd finished on May 10th this year for summer.

Goldenthigh · 19/08/2024 06:53

My eldest leaves in a couple of weeks, and as soon as their place was confirmed I burst into tears, surprising myself. I am nervous about how they will get on, excited for the next stage and sad for myself that they will no longer be here. It's a real mix of emotions. The remaining DC will miss them terribly too

PotentialUCLmum · 19/08/2024 07:11

I hear you @FunnysInLaJardin

DD boarded for her last year at school which I think will lessen the impact of her leaving for Uni but I know I’m lucky that she’s going to still be very near and I expect her to be coming home for Sunday lunch every now and again. I made a conscious effort to do stuff for myself when she boarded so that I could turn a negative into a positive…. Definitely recommend that as a way to distract yourself. Also make sure he’s confident with the day-to-day practical stuff before he leaves (although it’s still nice when they need advice on washing instructions/cooking etc).

Tortiemiaw · 19/08/2024 07:28

The youngest leaves in a month, and I am really, really sad. We have big age gaps so it's just been us and her for a while now and although we've been joking for years and counting down now it's here, the thought of not seeing her every day and clunking around with two instead of only one empty bedroom is really hard!! She drives us mad a lot of the time (!) but she's also my 'baby' and has been through a lot in the past few years, so it's all a big mish mash of emotions - I'm only showing her my happy ones though!

I know she'll be fine, and she's so happy and excited, but...there will be much crying when she's not looking!

Lulubellamozarella · 19/08/2024 07:43

Oh my god thank you so much for this thread. My eldest daughter moved out almost 4 years ago to live and work in Ireland and I grieved her leaving so hard. The mixed emotions were crazy. Of course I was massively proud of her for being brave enough to head off out into the world and hugely excited for her but I missed her terribly. Just little things like taking her favorite food items off my shopping list broke my heart. She has made a great new life for herself and I honestly couldn't be more pleased for her. With DD2 I have always known that going to university was something she wanted to do, and has worked towards for the last few years. She is finally going next month and my emotions are everywhere again. Once she goes I will be an empty nester and my god the mixed emotions are hideous. It is dawning on me that the time I have been dreading is almost upon me. I know she is going to love Uni and living in the City and she is so excited and I am excited for her. But wow this part of parenthood is bloody hard. No-one tells you this shit when you have kids. No-one tells you how hard it is to let them go. Ultimately I know I will be fine and I know I will go through a period of grieving that I won't see her everyday but I also know it gets better and what you are left with is the happiness of knowing you raised amazing, independent, capable young people and the world is a better place with them out there in it doing their own thing.

Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 19/08/2024 10:55

Thank you so much everyone Flowers

I'm sorry so many of you feel the same, but its nice to hear that its not just me.

I never expected this to be so hard.

DS1 got an unconditional and so I have know he would be going for about a year. I have had periods of feeling utterly bereft about the prospect and then periods when I feel fine. The odd thing is that I will be going along just fine and then it hits me all over again.

He is such a home loving boy and he is always around, which makes it more difficult I think

At least for now we still have DS2 at home for the next 4 years - not even thinking about him leaving...

OP posts:
MelodyMalone · 19/08/2024 11:22

It's going to be weird for me, as I haven't lived in a house without a child in it for 32 years 😆 (DS was 15 when DD was born).

I'm sure life will be tidier and quieter, but I can't really say I'm looking forward to it.

JT69 · 19/08/2024 11:36

You are feeling what the majority of us mums feel. Lots of mixed up muddled emotions , periods of “pulling ourselves together “ and other times sobbing in the shower. Just to make you feel better - it never gets easier and I’ve done it three times now.

Just keep busy , try not to stalk them too much and before you know it they bounce back and bring havoc and chaos with them 😊

TizerorFizz · 19/08/2024 11:51

I actively wanted my DDs to go and I never felt like this. They had been very independent and uni was just another stage of this. We didn’t live lives embroiled in each other. There are different styles of parenting and we saw independence and decision making for themselves as being vital for growing up. No they didn’t come home for Sunday lunch, but they could cook it themselves!

DinnerOnTheGrass · 19/08/2024 11:56

TizerorFizz · 19/08/2024 11:51

I actively wanted my DDs to go and I never felt like this. They had been very independent and uni was just another stage of this. We didn’t live lives embroiled in each other. There are different styles of parenting and we saw independence and decision making for themselves as being vital for growing up. No they didn’t come home for Sunday lunch, but they could cook it themselves!

Yes, mine is only 12, but I’ll look forward to him starting to forge an independent life for himself. That my job as a parent, to launch him on the world and stand back and admire.

MelodyMalone · 19/08/2024 12:01

DinnerOnTheGrass · 19/08/2024 11:56

Yes, mine is only 12, but I’ll look forward to him starting to forge an independent life for himself. That my job as a parent, to launch him on the world and stand back and admire.

Show quote history

That's absolutely true, but it doesn't stop you feeling a bit bereft when they actually go!

ALovelyCupOfNameChange · 19/08/2024 12:04

sorry nothing helpful to add I do think the lack of certainty and subsequent rush to get sorted once you do know, is hard for everyone. You can’t plan or prepare properly.