My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

@Spudthespanner I think you are the one clutching at straws

@Ginko - not really sure what the issue is! Obviously it makes sense if a bunch of friends from one place want to visit a particular university that they might travel there and back together?

Beyond that I'd hope they're all big and clever enough to know that where you end up depends on a whole bunch of factors like getting certain grades and choosing the course is right for them. None of my dd's mates want to do the same course as her, and she's quite aware that they'll probably all end up at different universities...

Personally I think it's fine if parents want to go to open days or if their dcs want them to go...but what a lot of us are saying is that it's seems a bit unnecessary for parents to go along - and this in itself could be tied in with teens being less independent (and more helicopter-parented) than they were a generation ago.

If there are particular things you, as a worldly wise adult, feel he should be asking or looking at, then make him a list. Ask him to take some pics on his phone so you can also see the physical surroundings. Then leave him to it!

Does it have to be helicopter parenting, could it not just be that parents are interested and supportive in what their DC are doing.

As other posters have said their parents wouldn’t have gone in the past even if it was a thing as they hadn’t gone to university themselves so didn’t really know anything about it, so possibly felt they wouldn’t add anything if they went, or possibly feel intimidated by it. When I went to university I think it was only about 10% of young people who went, now it is much more like 50%.

I certainly don’t approve of parents taking over a tour or talk on open day, or muscling into a lecture where space is limited. But when DH went with DS (who asked him to go) he certainly wasn’t being a helicopter parent. There were bits they did together and bits where they went their separate ways. And talked about all the cars they saw on their road trips (a common interest for them) so a nice way to connect with each other

@crumblingschools - are you really suggesting that parents who don't attend open days must be less supportive or interested? Or that those who don't go might be intimidated by higher education?

My dd is the fourth generation of my family to go to uni. When I was looking around universities my parents didn't come with me, it wasn't such a thing then.

Generally, I do think we as parents now afford our DCs less independence in many ways (I count myself as one - I'm definitely more involved in my dd's life at 17 than my mother was in mine) - but maybe that's for another thread. I will say though, at the open day I did go to with my dd, it was overcrowded and absolutely teeming with entire families. It's nice to have a day out and spend time as a family of course...but it seemed a bit much.

@cloudsblue my comment was more about the helicopter parent comment another poster had made. It doesn’t have to be a parent taking over or not letting them have independence. You can be interested and supportive without taking over or not letting go.

DC’s choice of university and course was down to him but he still liked us to be part of it. We didn’t influence but he chatted to both DH and I when making his final choice of firm and insurance and it helped that DH had been with him when looking at the universities. It’s a big decision, especially when you are going to be lumbered with a massive debt for 40 years. Maybe it was different when you got grants. Maybe the pressures are different now, and you will be competing with many more graduates in the job market.

@cloudsblue and is it a bad thing that you are more involved with your DD’s life than your mum was in yours?

My MIL had to leave school at 15 with no qualifications as her parents couldn’t afford to have her not working. No chance if university for her. Not sure that level of independence was a good thing.

Parenting evolves

This.

Posters who think it is about the independence of taking trains and working out logistics are missing the wood for the trees. That is the easy bit.

It is the course/uni decision making which is the key, of which no child has any experience at that point of the myriad factors to take into account to make the most of the investment in money, time and effort in attending the Open Day.

Ultimately the child decides but they have to make an informed decision that is best for their career choice and abilities, not some gut instinct based on where their friends are going, a nice cafe, beach nearby or which accommodation is the best. Not saying those factors are not important but they are just icing on the cake.

The poster who mentioned students who made false starts with their first year at university resonates. Having been through this exercise with dd, so many dropped out of her course in the first year. I don't think this is unique. Why gamble with such an important decision?

Do go on...

I don’t know any false starts or dc being influenced by friends. Being overly influenced by parents is a massive danger too. That was pretty common amongst some cultures who value dc being doctors, pharmacists etc. My local garage owner, originally from Sri Lanka could not believe my DD wanted to do MFLs. Why isn’t she doing law or being an engineer like her dad? That’s where the pressure comes from. She’s doing pretty well post degree but parents do not always give the best advice!

I went to university with someone who was told her parents would only help finance her through university (didn’t qualify for grant) if she studied Law

My daughter said she was going to go with friends but has now changed her mind and wants to go with me I gave her the choice as don’t mind her going with friends it’s how she feels and really it’s not something where we’re going to have the choice so happy for her

It’s absolutely fine for him to go alone. My mum came to one with me as she was driving. I went to the others alone by train.

I don’t know any false starts or dc being influenced by friends.

I find this hard to believe.

Your information is either too limited and therefore your views not particularly useful or you have lost perspective in arguing your point too strongly.

One of my DD's school friends had pretty much the same thing - she had a choice between law or medicine, or she could forget about any kind of family support.

@crumblingschools - of course parenting evolves, and of course when the time comes for dd to decide on her firm and insurance, we'll be discussing that with her in a lot of depth.

But there's a big difference between that and feeling the need to attend several open days with her at this earlier stage, which is what I thought the debate was about.

@blueshoes - I'm also a bit '?' about the presumption that if a young person travels to an open day with friends, they couldn't possibly make an informed decision about the place they are visiting?! My dd would find that immensely patronising. Obviously there are lots of factors when it comes to final choices, and as I said above you'd hope that parents would talk these through with their kids and might flag up certain things.

But in general, I think there does seem to be far too much micromanaging of kids and teens these days...and I think entire families attending every single open day with 17/18 year olds is perhaps illustrative of that. Yes, it's great to be helpful and supportive...but 'guiding' everything in a young person's life to the nth degree can be negative and leave many of them unable to cope with adult life. I'm not trying to be preachy - I have to stop myself being 'over-involved' at times, but teens do need to learn to act and think for themselves.

But in general, I think there does seem to be far too much micromanaging of kids and teens these days...and I think entire families attending every single open day with 17/18 year olds is perhaps illustrative of that. Yes, it's great to be helpful and supportive...but 'guiding' everything in a young person's life to the nth degree can be negative and leave many of them unable to cope with adult life. I'm not trying to be preachy - I have to stop myself being 'over-involved' at times, but teens do need to learn to act and think for themselves.

There is a grain of truth in most views on this thread and people veering towards extreme examples when actually it is more nuanced and dependent on the teen and family dynamic in real life.

I feel that some people have a bone to pick about 'helicopter parenting' these days and looking at uni selection through that lens. Just to be clear, I am not including you in this because I have not really paid attention to who is saying what.

I see the benefits of loosening the leash to foster independence and ds has a lot of freedom, living in London. However, I won't be leaving something like uni selection to solely my ds without guidance from dh and I just to prove a point.

In the same way you pick your battles, there are instances where I feel it should be a joint supportive effort.

I agree with what you say re micromanaging, but I think the shift in universities expecting parents to attend is because parents are assessed before their kids are awarded their maintenance loans and often end up underwriting it, so have a vested interested in where they apply.

@BusyMummy001 If you and dc draw up a shortlist before dc go anywhere, then this doesn’t happen. Your dc gots to look at suitable unis. I’m against viewing a local one for this reason. It’s then too easy to make an uninformed choice. I know where DN went to school, 1/3 of her cohort went local. Not one went further south than Nottingham.

I listened to Radio 5 earlier. Paul Sinha was talking about Asian dc being pressurised to be doctors or similar. This is clearly a bigger issue and it took him a lot of effort to become a doctor, even though he is very bright. He found many at St George’s had been told what to do.

About 20 years ago one of my friends, who was a uni lecturer, said that parents had started attending open days with their DC and it was so annoying because they talked for their child that the uni started putting on talks for the parents, so they weren't hovering over their dc all the time.

Then it became a self fulfilling thing - more parents started attending as they reckoned they needed to given that special talks for parents were being held, and they were worried about missing out

@TizerorFizz our problem is that we will have two at uni overlapping for at least 6 years - one wants to be a doctor, doing BioMedSci BSc first and then 4yr med degree, so 7 years; second wants to study Psychology, and do the clinical psych PhD, so also 7 years. DH earns above the threshold, so they will get the minimum maintenance loan.

Obviously they will both have 7 years worth of student loans debts each even before the maintenance costs, so we’re hoping they can chose from the unis in London, where dad works, and we can buy a flat there. At least that way, we’d be using the funds to pay off a mortgage on a property we can all use for 10 years. DH is going to have to work 5 years longer than he hoped to make it work and I’m hoping to get back to work next year to help out (finishing a PhD myself).

Another difference over the last 30 years is a change in universities. There has been a shift in power. Over that time, due to fees, students have changed much more to being consumers; they are the purchasers of higher education who want their money’s worth. Their expectations have changed and the expectation is that universities must respond to student pressure. Academics are under more pressure not to fail students, to put ‘trigger warnings’ on courses, etc. This means open days are now sales pitches - presenting a product for sale. So parents are turning up too because it is viewed as a large purchase. In the past it was the universities that had the power - students had to earn a place and universities got to pick and choose (remember it is not just the ‘high value’ courses they want to fill). There is a lot more competition between universities.

@Yourethebeerthief

I posted in kind because the comments towards the OP and their like were horrible. I indifferent as to whether a parent goes with their dc or not. It's none of my business. Most Adults can understand that we all do things differently.

This whole thread smacks of posters viewing others with derision over their decision to support their dc by attending open days. Trying to shame parents who parent differently to the 'hands-off approach' It is rife on this site that as soon as a parent asks for opinions or advice about a dc that is either 18 or nearly, you immediately get the contemptuous posts piling in laced with 'why would you do THAT! , 'They are an adult!" as if they forgot their own dc's age. They are doing parenting wrong is heavily implied. It is not nice nor does it show you are intelligent if anything it shows how narrow-minded you are. Different homes, different values, different methods with young adults dc, different cultures... we are not one homogenous bunch.

Why must everyone do things your (not you personally but the host of posters criticising the OP) way and why is only your way the right way? Leave people alone to support their dc however they see fit. 16/17/18 yrs olds are all different and no one knows your dc and what they need better than you do.
People need to quit the snippy remarks and unsolicited advice and just answer the question the OP asked or move on to a different thread if it annoys them so much.

I say go with your kid if they want you to, but I think it's better on a societal level if parents don't go with their kids to things like this. Posters who work in universities have already given their thoughts on why it's a bad idea. It's not all about individual people and their children. Certain cultural shifts like these have an overall detrimental effect on children and young people. Young adults are being babied.

If your child wants you to come with them why is the immediate response to do so rather than give them a nudge to go alone or with friends who are interested in the same university?

It's good for them.

It is also rife on this site to label normal childhood experiences as neglect. See: the current thread on walking to school alone.

Oh how easy it is to criticise others when you are not in the game.