My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

We used to physically take them to wherever they wanted to look at but they went off on their own to the talks, accommodation visits. We went and had a mooch about of our own and tried out the food. We would meet up later. They are 30 and 31now so it was a long time ago. We really enjoyed seeing the technology thst was available that was unheard of in our day and how much it had all changed since the early eighties ( our time). It was fun. When I was that age my dad took me on visits. I wouldn't have had the nerve to go alone but lots of people did. I didn't get the grades I needed so didn't go and took a year out. When I started again I visited things on my own and chose one I really loved. If he wants to go alone that's fine.

My son went with his friends to open days and recently completed his finals at his chosen University. Shows maturity and independence to me.

Looking back over 40 years now, you were invited to attend an interview. On your own. As far as I am aware, open days as we have them now didn’t exist.

Open days as I remember them were open to the general public and not primarily focused on recruitment. I attended a few up and down the country with my parents through the 1960s and early 1970s.

@kerstina and if none of your friends are looking at the same university?

There is much more of a hard sell at universities now (maybe not so much at Scottish universities if fees aren’t involved). Some of this may be directed at parents as many parents will be stumping the finances to help their offspring go through university.

DH and DS loved their road trips to the various universities. Don’t often get that concentrated time with a teenager any more.

Doesn’t seem to show much independence to go to the same university open days as your friends

mine did a mixture, with me, without me with friends,
one went to the wrong place, both began with B in her defence!

There is much more of a hard sell at universities now (maybe not so much at Scottish universities if fees aren’t involved).

Fees are involved at Scottish universities. The only difference is who pays them. No students, no fees.

I didn't take parents even when I stayed overnight

@focacciamuffin but if your young person is going to come out with a shed load of debt you may need to push harder to show this university is worth it

There is much more of a hard sell at universities now (maybe not so much at Scottish universities if fees aren’t involved).

Scottish Universities are desperate to attract students from the rest of the UK and internationally. They only get so many funded places for Scottish students (this was cut by 1,200 places this year) and as they only get £1820 pa each from them they can’t afford any more. Hence you often find in Scottish university courses in clearing won’t consider Scottish students.

From the ones I’ve been to, I would say more than 95% are accompanied. There are events and talks arranged specifically for parents (SEN provision, accommodation and funding advisory talks). When you book it asks you to advise ‘how many’ parents/others will be attending with you and, tbh, unless they are applying locally, most teens still need an adult to taxi them as it’s cheaper than rail fare.

That said, if he really wants to go alone, let him. He may change his mind after the first one. I know it may feel hurtful to be excluded from such an important part of his life, but it may also be a sign that he is confident and independent and wants to make a decision without parents putting their oar in.

(Just a thought, though, could he be LGBTetc and want to visit those societies/ask about support but hasn’t come out to you yet?)

@Ginko

Doesn’t seem to show much independence to go to the same university open days as your friends

Makes no sense, what a daft thing to say. You go to some with friends where there's an overlap in interest. I visited 3 universities. At each university I went with a varying number of friends from school. We weren't all looking to study the same subject but we travelled together and met up throughout the day. Some went to open days that I didn't go to as they were not on my list of considerations.

As my friends were going why would I not go with them and make a day of it?

You've got a bee in your bonnet trying to defend kids needing parents along with them. It's a change in recent years and not for the better. Do it if your kid needs you there but I wonder why so many kids do need their parents with them now.

@Spudthespanner with so many universities available I’m surprised young people will choose all the same universities as their mates. Also more independent to go to one where you don’t know anyone.

Going with your friends is not being independent. It is going with your friends. Fine if you want that support and to make it a fun day. Choosing to go against the trend and not go with your friends, to take your parents in order to have another opinion to consider is not less independent. It is just a different choice.

Quite the opposite - they will be mates in 6th form because they will be in the same A Level classes and, consequently, uni options will be shaped by this. If they are all doing sciences then, even if they are choosing different science subjects at degree level, it would be likely they will all go to the Imperial College Open Day, for instance.

And why should friends choosing a particular uni, mean they should exclude it for fear of not being ‘independent enough’?

I went with my son (we only went to two and both day trips). If he’d have wanted to go with friends that would have been fine. He wouldn’t have wanted to go on his own though even though he’s travelled further alone for other things.

@Ginko - my dd has done two open days so far. First I went to with her. The second she got the train there and back with her mates - but obviously they split up during the day as they are all interested in different courses.

It's a bit of a silly debate, this, but obviously the second option required more independence! DD booked train herself, met friends at the station, got the train, navigated her way into subject talks and around a new city by herself before meeting her mates again late afternoon to travel back together. Really quite different to me going with her...

Independence doesn’t necessarily mean doing things literally on your own. Would you say your young adult child was not independent because they were living with friends rather than on their own.

@crumblingschools Rest of uk and international students do pay fees to Scottish unis. On some courses , their combined percentage is significantly higher than Scottish students. A good example is Economics at Edinburgh where out of 446 offers, only 42 went to Scottish students. So Scottish unis need the money too and of course the unis woo them! I’d not see any of it as hard sell though. The real hard sell is unconditional offers.

I do think visiting with friends is different to going completely alone. The latter suits some dc though. In fact I’ve known ones insist on it. Parents obviously can help with transport but dc should ask questions they have. I don’t agree with insisting dc ask the questions you draft for them and then quiz dc afterwards to ensure they did what you wanted. They surely should have the confidence to ask a question they have if it’s not covered?

@cloudsblue I think where I have difficulties is when parents ask questions in student sessions and somewhat try and take over. Some of us have seen potential students unable to get into the room because parents are taking up the seats.

I think many provide transport and take themselves off to look around but others are significantly over invested. It’s such a good skill to book trains, read a map or app for getting around a city and follow instructions and a timetable for the day. Uses initiative and common sense. It’s great to do it with friends. I’m mystified why most dc cannot do this at some open days. There are some on MN who go to 10 open days and that feels OTT too. No wonder they are all so crowded.

There is a difference between travelling with friends, which my DC had done for years by that stage, and independent decision making in choosing a course. It is well known that peers are the biggest influence on teenagers and that many get into trouble by ‘going along with the crowd’. Thinking of my friends whose children had false starts at university, the majority of them had their initial choice influenced by their peers.

You definitely don't need to go. My DD and DS are now at university and went to some by themselves and some with us. One or two with friends, but more often alone. Whatever was most convenient really. I work for a University, including open days, and we much prefer parents to back off and not dominate Q&A sessions etc.

You're really clutching at straws.

Guess I'm lacking in independence since I've been car sharing to work this week with a colleague and friend.

My parents came with me to the first, and asked adult questions about safety, finance and stuff. Then I went to two on my own and tried to remember some of the parent type questions.

@TizerorFizz maybe it’s non Scottish parents who are visiting with their children.

DH let DS ask all the questions when he went with him. On one tour on offer day he was very impressed that DS was the student asking the most questions as he is normally very quiet. DH was hanging at the back so didn’t get in his way.

If he had gone with his mates and he had a more chatty mate I could probably see DS slipping back into being the quiet one.