My son wants to go to open days alone/with friends

[Mathsmother]

My son in year 12 wants to go to uni open days alone and not with me or my husband. He may go with friends to a couple where they also interested in applying.

We are totally fine about it and rather admire his initiative but when I posted such on Facebook I was told that most students take parents along with them to open days and I really should go. I just wondered why? Surely it is the student’s choice not the parent’s and it is much cheaper for one train ticket (on a young person’s railcard) than two or three tix? The only downside I can see of my son travelling alone at age 17 is that he won’t be able to book a hotel room for the one far-flung uni he had on his list (Edinburgh). Thoughts and experiences welcome xx

I would agree with this. Both dh and I went to uni and have careers so feel we have something to contribute to ds' choice of uni and a career. Whilst ds would have been happy to go by himself, the fact that dh and I got involved in his researching the courses, the entry requirements, the course content and jobs was just something we discussed and learnt together as a family.

It is good for ds to see his parents take things seriously and going into the detail which ds on his own may gloss over. We also worked out the best way to get to the unis as the logistics can be quite challenging between trains, cars, tubes, getting rail discounts.

Dh is very independent in getting around and hanging out with friends, but uni choice is not something we are going to take risks on. At the open days, most of the students (English unis) where there with a parent. Others were there alone or with friends. I got offloaded at one point as ds bumped into his friends and wanted to visit the accommodation with them. I was left at the uni cafe along with other parents who had similarly been 'abandoned'.

It is not a big deal, quite relaxed and nice to spend time with ds. I don't get to do it often with our busy lives at work and ds with revision and activities.

Two heads are better than one and it is good to compare notes and bounce ideas off each other. Nothing compares to the experience of a parent and we spot nuances that a teen may not. As a parent, I insisted ds tour the lab facilities, whereas if he had gone with friends, he may have cut it short to hang out with his mates.

I did not ask a single question or hog anything. Just took it in with ds. We had a nice eyeopener at the protestors.

@Yourethebeerthief it is nice to live your life by 'shoulds' until reality bites and you realise your own children are as individual as the stars in the sky and your duty as parent is to embrace and support each individual child for the person that they are, not the person they should be.

All the best.

For those who go with friends do they decide which university based on what their friends are doing? If you are only visiting 5 universities how many friends must they have to have some that have chosen the same 5 universities

In Scotland it’s not usual to be looking at the same unis i.e. the ones you don’t have to pay fees to go to.

It isn’t an exact match of universities and the same friends IME. DD went to a couple on her own, one uni with a couple of friends and another with one different friend. Some of her friends went with parents, some had awkward journeys to get there or were trying to manage two close together in one day so it made sense they drove as a family.

There is no single formula of what works. It is down to preference and circumstance.

Not UNusual to look at the same unis I mean

🙄

Majorly jumping to conclusions here. I have never said I would abandon my child to anything they didn't want to do. Bearing in mind the OP's son wants to go with his friends. Good. Thank goodness some young people still do. I think so many people on Mumsnet lack basic reading comprehension.

I said I think it's better on a wider scale if young people are encouraged to go to university open days on their own, not that I would cut my son out of my life if he dared to ever need support with anything. So much of young people's lives are hovered over by parents now and I think it impacts negatively on them on a societal scale.

All the best to you and your parental duties too.

@Coughsweet that makes sense. None of DS’s friends looked at the same universities has he chose. So even though DH went with DS to open days, does that not show DS was independent as he chose university/course without following what his mates were doing

As a parent, I insisted ds tour the lab facilities, whereas if he had gone with friends, he may have cut it short to hang out with his mates.

My friend’s daughter was persuaded to skip half the day, including a couple of subject talks she was interested in, to help a friend dress shopping. She now wants to go to the next open day to find out about the course…

There seems to be quite a split between teens who know what they want to do, are focused on identifying the best choice and exact course to meet their grades and specifications, and those who still don’t have much of a clue.

There seems to be quite a split between teens who know what they want to do, are focused on identifying the best choice and exact course to meet their grades and specifications, and those who still don’t have much of a clue.

A teen may fall any where within this spectrum. The fact that a teen wants to attend Open Days by themselves is no indication they are of sufficient maturity to fall into the former group. The fact that a teen wants to attend Open Days by themselves is simply that they want to attend Open Days by themselves most likely with their mates, not that they are particularly good at researching and making life changing decisions.

We took a mixed approach with ds. For the important unis (I mean the aspirational and safe UCAS choices with the best courses), one parent went with ds. For the insurance choices, ds can go by himself because that is only one out of 5 choices and hopefully, he will not have to rely on it. The friends going to that uni are also the 'playful' ones so let ds have some fun.

It is not uncommon for students to be unsure of their uni choices right up to January deadline of the year they take A levels.

The ultimate goal of uni visits is to ensure those 5 choices are the most suitable ones. The sooner a robust decision can be made, the better, so that the child can focus on their academics and getting those grades. Worst thing is to leave it to the child to panic-choose in January.

My job as a parent is to ensure that ds has thoroughly researched and thought through what he wants, is good at, and what he wants to do after graduation in the context of career choices. Yeah so either dh or I will be accompanying him to most of them. Every visit sharpens ds' decision-making. There is clear progression and a mental leaderboard 😂

Could you suggest maybe the ones where he'd need a hotel that you make a break of it. So you all go to Edinburgh; but you and his Dad go sightseeing while he's at the uni and then meet up after for a meal and do sightseeing together the next day?

In my experience, nearly all prospective students go with their parents. Often parents will help their children financially, or it is helpful to get another perspective on things, so open days are designed for students and parents. There can be talks specifically geared towards parents/ specifically towards students ran at the same time. I don’t think it is a huge dealbreaker, but I think I would have felt horribly lonely going by myself, as everyone else was with their families, and the days are designed for parents to attend.

If staying the night, it is not just the open day itself to consider. Depending on what the university offers on the day, you could have done all the bits (campus tour, stalls, subject talk) in a couple of hours. At which point you can feel quite lonely on your own. Having someone to go out for supper with, even stop for coffee/lunch with during the day, and share thoughts on the Uni or talk about the Euros with or whatever can be much nicer than munching dinner on your own. And that can colour your whole feeling about a place.

I went t them by myself back in the 90s. Lol. But I’m not sure if they were open days as the same as now or just interview/audition days I had to attend so could be different.

It’s funny how Edinburgh is far flung. We are only about an hour from that one. Most other places I visited were similar or 2-3 hrs on the train. Never did an overnight.

The risk is that, if universities become ever more accommodating of parents accompanying prospective students, Open Days become parent-centric and not student-centric. The sheer numbers can be overwhelming and affect the dynamic whether or not parents are trying to ensure they remain in the background. I do not think that is a positive development.

One of my DC felt this the case at a U of Bath Open Day where the number of solo prospective students, like them, seemed tiny (compared to their other Open Days) and where a large proportion of family groups had both parents accompanying the prospective students; so parents most definitely outnumbered prospective students. Although the experience did not put them off U of Bath, which is a good uni, my solo visitor DC felt this was the Open Day with the most problematic parental behaviour on display and the least enjoyable from that DC's perspective. So a balance needs to be struck, I think.

100% agree with this

lol its simply not possible to get to all universities by train so some need parents to drive to them. Its a huge deal for some kids (my DD) to think about going off to Uni so those kids will want their parents with them for the day providing stress-free transport there and support in what can be a daunting life experience. Back in my day - 30 years ago- schools laid on coaches to some open days but they don't do that any more.

Why not make it a special trip to Edinburgh so you can see the sights together and then the accommodation won’t be an issue. Create some memories and he can shoot off to see university

I have been to more open days than I care to remember as part of my job. In my experience, parents accompanying their offspring outnumber prospective students attending on their own by some margin. Usually it’s one parent, sometimes two. On one occasion I remember, a whole family with seven siblings and a set of grandparents. In order to give the student some space, parents are separated and talks and tours are arranged specifically for them.

I think it’s nice you want to go and shows an interest.
I looked around unis alone and made decisions entirely independently at that age - but then looking back I don’t think my parents gave much of a a sh*t at that stage. As far as they were concerned they were done with parenting.

I went on my own (late nineties) as I was and continue to be an independent soul!

I stayed in Edinburgh recently in a hostel with pod beds - CodePod in Parliamentary square. It was safe and clean so recommend it for your son if he needs a central place to stay.

When DS was looking at universities he went to one by himself, one with me & two with me & DH.

we didn’t need to be there but the majority of prospective students had parent(s) in tow.

We found it useful as a family as we could discuss the pros & cons of each uni and course with DS but it was ultimately his decision.

The one far flung place we went to offered rooms on campus for those who needed to stay over so is that an option for Edinburgh?

My 'open days' in the mid 80s were literally a tour of the relevant department after you'd applied. And yes, everyone went in their own.
Today's open days are completely different - a mass marketing event - attended by thousands, which can be completely overwhelming for a 16yo.
I think it's fine for a parent to go along too. Just for support. They can do that quite easily without taking over or making it about them.
Most of my DCs open days involved overnight stays, so a parent had to go too. 16yo can't book into a hotel, and no my 16yo DD was not staying in a hostel in a strange city completely alone.
Maybe my DCs were unusual, or maybe it's living in London, but I don't think they had a single university in common with a friend, so group trips weren't a possibility.
Both found it useful having a second opinion, and to compare and contrast different aspects if different visits - it can be difficult to remember which thing relates to which visit.
Apart from anything else it was a lovely time to bond in the long drives, chat about and everything and learn more about their music tastes 😁.
All kids are different, some definitely won't want to do it all on their own. And that's absolutely fine!

It's a long time since I went to uni but I did most open days on my own and just one that was super awkward to get to with my Dad. It was totally fine and I loved it.