URGENT: How to help Dd Decide in next 2 weeks ???

[StripeyChina]

Dd has Autism, severe Dyslexia & Clinical Anxiety (poss ADHD but unmedicated).
Still requires a lot of support. Not yet independant re timetable, transport, cooking etc. Has had a gap year, volunteering at a local repair shop (special interest). MAY be offered part time paid work here (will know this week)
So, that seems the sensible route (plenty of home support) but shes watched her friends go to Uni & wants to go too. Shes seriously bright (seriously SEN too)

She applied to 3 Unis (5 courses). She has been offered a place on all 5.
MUST reply by 6 June or will lose places. But is paralysed by the 'hugeness' of it.
Because of her ASD, she finds it hard to know how she feels so wants to make the decision based on facts but is very anxious about it. As am I now!

We are in Scotland so if choose a Scottish Uni (#1 or 2) there are no fees to pay.

Uni #1: 90m away - commute not very practical (no car, poor public transport) Uni is average at best, poor experience with SEN support. Halls expensive & not great. Dd is not enthusiastic (unless it could be combined with the 'job' above?)

Uni #2: is the 'sensible' choice. Outstanding Uni reputation. Doing a subject that she is good at (previous good exam results & a private passion for plus highly employable too). But she isn't sure he wants to study it at Uni. She doesnt' much like the Uni, doesn't like the Town or the Halls. So, shes 'probably going there as its the sensible & Best one'. But there is no sense of excitement at all.

Uni #3: is the wild card. It's in London. So, FEES. It's a much wider course at a fairly new place (London Interdisciplinary School). Dd is much more nervous about the course material (as it's a very broad based curriculum & fairly open ended - seems to attract a lot of confident students?). BUT is also excited about it. Very excited about living in London. Likes the accomodation (can stay 3 yrs).
There are only around 60 students in the cohort, all studying the same degree, so it would be much smaller & easier to get to know students & staff. They seem to 'get' her already & have been very friendly (plus there might be a bursary!)

Right thats enough of an essay to start with (didnt' want to drip feed).
I think she might need actual straightforward advice at this point.

Can anyone help me think it through please?

If she is not yet independent with timetable cooking etc will she be taking a personal assistant?

I'm not sure how it will work otherwise as while there is support for disabled students it's usually accessible room, catered halls etc. my DD has had study support etc which helped but was only one hour a week.

Which London university? They’re very mixed with their support, but staying in halls for all 3 years and small cohort sounds like it could work.

the question is: can you/she afford it if she goes to London but her mental health collapses and she withdraws or suspends? If it’s affordable, then it’s worth the risk. If it’s going to leave you in a damaging amount of debt, then sadly it’s not worth the risk and I would take option #4 - wait another year, visit more open days and find a better Scottish option, and/or defer the London place and visit the university and the city itself a lot in the coming year - possibly getting a job down in London even - to double check it’s the right place.

There is no rush for university. The older someone is, the more they get out of the experience, especially the very bright but SEN, who benefit from having more life experience under their belt before going to uni.

How much emotional support does she need from you? Is it more practical support she needs or is she heavily reliant on you in particular?

On paper, 2 seems like the best option. If you named 1 and 2, I’m sure people would be forthcoming with relevant information. My DC (also in Scotland) got an offer at an English uni, but it made no sense having that amount of debt when you start your working life, when there were also offers from Scottish universities.

Ps I’m an associate professor at an English university

@Octavia64 my plan is to do a crash course in independance over summer..
@Netflixreject its a fair amount of practical support (cooking, washing, driving, but also reminding to shower etc - how much is 'habit' vs needed i dont' know)
Dd will be 20 this autumn. I know she could defer but I think she feels it's this year or never (she had a mini attempt last year & it damaged her confidence)

No 3 is London School of Interdisciplinary Studies. I think she could have a great stand alone experience there but whether she could live or work in London ???
She should be offered a bursary for at least some of the fees & can take a student loan for the rest (I am on UC)

If she tried last year and it failed I would look at why it failed and make sure you choose a uni that will offer support in that area.

Hmm I think given the level of support she needs I would keep her closer to home. It will be less stressful for you if you feel she is easily reachable if needed. Did she apply to more than one course at uni 2?

Ds is going this year. We are in England so not sure what support is available to you via student finance but the deadline for definite payment closes soon and it's how we applied for disabled students allowance.
I had hoped to use the gap year for a crash course in independence but in fact we have only managed one bus journey, one way and one meal (plain pasta with butter).
My thoughts are that being far away is quite stressful but tbh once you are no longer next room any rescue mission is hard work. So the distance is less important once living away from home because any crisis is going to be prompted by their surroundings. So those need to be good.

20 is no age at all.

My best students are all 25 +. One is a grandmother in her late 40s.

She will really need to be able to manage all those life things herself before she goes, unless she has a carer or you live with her. She will not be able to manage living independently without those core skills and she will find it tougher to make friends if she can’t cook and has unwashed clothes/body. She’ll need to be able to manage a budget even if bills in halls are all paid. She really doesn’t sound ready for university unless she commutes to a local university and lives at home.

I strongly recommend that you defer the place and then spend a year with her doing a foundation course of your own devising on being ready for university. The academic side isn’t the issue, hence she doesn’t actually need to do a real foundation / access course, but she does need to work on all those aspects of life so she can cope with being at university.

I agree with previous poster - a deep dive on what went wrong last time is also necessary, possibly with a life coach or someone outside of the parent-child dynamic.

Just focusing on one aspect of uni #2... If she isn't sure about the course, a Scottish university is a great choice because of the flexible degree structure. If she chooses modules in subjects she might like to switch to in her first year, she won't be stuck doing the course she applied for initially if she changes her mind.

Yes.
Tbf to Dd it failed because her Uni didn't Register her properly for a whole month so she couldnt' access her course (they admitted it by letter in the end)
There were no rooms available so she was commuting 90m each way.
NO SEN support was set up for her 'till after Xmas at the earliest'.
She also got a bad dose of Covid & was ill in bed for 3 weeks.
So she effectively missed the first 7 weeks of the course.
When (I went with her to see) her Personal Tutor / Head of Course they said: 'and what is the issue exactly - lots of students struggle you just need to get on with it' (! - later found out he was about to retire hence 'am I bovvered' manner)
It damaged her confidence (& mine) quite a bit.

I think Uni 2 offers good support. Uni 3 have already said they will put things in place. have offered a room in a small 4 person flat in post grad quiet block etc.

Need to pop out but back later.

If she struggles with independence to the degree you’ve mentioned London sounds like a bad idea. I would opt for closer to home. How would she manage with halls etc? Could she swap any of her offers to deferred ones and spend the next year and a bit getting into a really good place to go and succeed?

#2
she can always go to London or another exciting city for post graduate study if she wants

Does she have an EHCP or whatever the Scottish equivalent is? As this may provide support. If yes then I would look into whether the support can transfer to England. But I agree with others that London sounds a bit of a giant leap, unless you are in a position to move there yourself to support.

Hi, OP -

Another academic and former admissions tutor here who finds your DD hugely sympathetic. Nevertheless, long experience of my personal tutees, Mitigating Circumstances panels and watching the gap between good will and execution even in my School which ‘does SEN’ rather well, I too am concerned that DD should master the basics of living before beginning uni.

In order to have a great experience, she should hit the ground running. I just think that is more likely in another year, if you and she upskill her in the meantime. And I too know that in terms of age, beginning uni at 21 is nothing.

I am sorry in that I know this isn’t what you hoped to hear. But I believe it gives DD her best opportunity to thrive. She deserves that chance.

She doesn't have an EHCP no. NHS dx, a DSA Report (from College) & PIP.

She says she feels much more 'at home' in London than at Uni 2, oddly enough.
She'd be in a flat of 4 (2 of each) with 1 other from her course.
We're going to try to go down to see the room.

She just phoned me. The volunteering job has offered her 2 days a week at £9.20 an hour (she is doing quite specialist work for that, but it's better than nowt!)

I think it might help her think about whether this is the path for her or she wants to try Uni which should lead to a better paid job in time (#2 is CyberSecurity)

I think you probably need to say which universities. However I’d definitely rule out London. It can be lonely, isolated and difficult as an experience and it’s so far away for you. It seems like the worst possible idea plus (without meaning to sound rude in any way) it’s not like it’s an offer for economics or PPE at LSE which you’d have to think hard about turning down.

which are the two Scottish universities and where do you live.

From experience with my DD, your DD needs to be able to handle admin and talking to people to get support, as well as cooking, laundry and transport.

Universities will offer Sen support but they are not schools or even colleges.
My DD had dsa which means she had accessible room (wheelchair user) but she had to argue with the university about fire alarms and various safety stuff.
Her DSA entitled her to an hour a week study support but she needed to contact the study support people herself and pass over her paperwork,

They then lost it and so she had to chase it up,

She has been ill multiple times, and at uni it's her responsibility to catch up.

The uni will put Sen support in place. But they are all big institutions and mistakes will happen. She needs to be able to deal with departments etc on the phone and handle paperwork.

Never mind the actual bloody studying.

My DD is currently student rep in her department because she's got so knowledgeable about who to contact and when to get stuff done.

Do Scottish Students get DSA? Has she applied for DSA to pay the difference between self-catering and catered?

If she has trouble with organising herself, going catered where there's no shopping or cooking might help?

For the PP who mentioned an EHCP, they 'end' when you start uni, whether you are 25 or not.

DSA takes ages to set up, and you really need to keep on their case.

https://www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowance-dsa

Some universities are better than others. Two of my three had it, one (Edinburgh) were brilliant, and gave weekly support as well as counselling and practical things and in her final year, when she got a diagnosis (in 5th year!) an additional point person in her faculty. The other is an English uni (not in London) and they have been crap. As like others, loosing paperwork, forgetting about extra time, no support.

There is a book that will be published later this year, with advice for autistic people going to uni. I'll try to get the title. Your DD might find it interesting and helpful.

N2. I think you should be very careful with letting her go just at once. You have to be able to come, help her and go away at a short notice.
My daughter has additional needs, she is far from uni material but the principle is still the same - you should be realistically aspirational.

I'm rural southern Scotland - I'd rather not say exactly where I am as that might identify the College Dd went to (beyond crap - Disabled Student person retired & not replaced so there was literally no one to contact - I helped but a dead end). She had DSA award but never got any support: don't know where £ went).

I think there are almost no 'catered' Halls left now. She could use some of her DSA to fund some 'HelloFresh' type boxes. She does struggle to remember she is hungry so we'd have to practice setting alarms for that. Today, I dropped her in town for her interview. She got the bus back (very rare) but said it upset her. She forgot to eat. She did go on a 3 week student exchange at College. Long story short but they were left to their own devices in the US. She did amazingly well but came home & slept for a week. I think Autistic burnout is a real worry.

I don't think they get money to spend with DSA? She's probably need PIP if she needs taxis because she can't manage public transport or money to help either feeding herself?

And yes, lots of Unis do have catered accommodation

Honestly I think she will find London overwhelming and she will be too far from home to come and have a weekend of rest. She will not have anyone near that can ensure she eats, can help her navigate busy transport. I think it would be a huge step that she sounds not yet ready for. You may also find it hugely worrying without an easy or quick way that check on her. You cannot rely on the uni really. London may not be for right now but for the future.