URGENT: How to help Dd Decide in next 2 weeks ???

[StripeyChina]

Dd has Autism, severe Dyslexia & Clinical Anxiety (poss ADHD but unmedicated).
Still requires a lot of support. Not yet independant re timetable, transport, cooking etc. Has had a gap year, volunteering at a local repair shop (special interest). MAY be offered part time paid work here (will know this week)
So, that seems the sensible route (plenty of home support) but shes watched her friends go to Uni & wants to go too. Shes seriously bright (seriously SEN too)

She applied to 3 Unis (5 courses). She has been offered a place on all 5.
MUST reply by 6 June or will lose places. But is paralysed by the 'hugeness' of it.
Because of her ASD, she finds it hard to know how she feels so wants to make the decision based on facts but is very anxious about it. As am I now!

We are in Scotland so if choose a Scottish Uni (#1 or 2) there are no fees to pay.

Uni #1: 90m away - commute not very practical (no car, poor public transport) Uni is average at best, poor experience with SEN support. Halls expensive & not great. Dd is not enthusiastic (unless it could be combined with the 'job' above?)

Uni #2: is the 'sensible' choice. Outstanding Uni reputation. Doing a subject that she is good at (previous good exam results & a private passion for plus highly employable too). But she isn't sure he wants to study it at Uni. She doesnt' much like the Uni, doesn't like the Town or the Halls. So, shes 'probably going there as its the sensible & Best one'. But there is no sense of excitement at all.

Uni #3: is the wild card. It's in London. So, FEES. It's a much wider course at a fairly new place (London Interdisciplinary School). Dd is much more nervous about the course material (as it's a very broad based curriculum & fairly open ended - seems to attract a lot of confident students?). BUT is also excited about it. Very excited about living in London. Likes the accomodation (can stay 3 yrs).
There are only around 60 students in the cohort, all studying the same degree, so it would be much smaller & easier to get to know students & staff. They seem to 'get' her already & have been very friendly (plus there might be a bursary!)

Right thats enough of an essay to start with (didnt' want to drip feed).
I think she might need actual straightforward advice at this point.

Can anyone help me think it through please?

This sounds eminently sensible. You’re going to have to tread carefully as if you push too hard she might react to that. I’m on the spectrum and if someone tells me what to do, I often want to refuse to do it.

Could you outsource the origins of the perspective and information - eg, you’ve been talking someone in her preferred field about how apprenticeship + Uni and then MA / MSc in favourite university (London or wherever) is highly regarded. Or keep to the “do the job for now and accept your place and go to uni after doing the job for a couple of months”, as she can pull out of or defer Uni very easily. I think deferral is best. It means she isn’t “not going” so psychologically it doesn’t feel like quitting. I suspect if she gets into the job, it might make it easier to leave university to one side for the moment.

Emphasise (gently!) the actual fact that work experience is more important than the university. Genuinely, I say this as a lecturer at a decent university: employers looks more favourably on average Uni + lots of experience than top university but never worked a day, the same as a 2:1 and evidence of leadership, volunteering, and/or working is better than a first with nothing else to show for it.

Have you tried doing a pro/con list with her so she can visualise the advantage of working and deferring? Or would that make it worse?

Re rabbit in the headlights might be struggling to imagine herself in these places in theoretical futures

Any way of making it more concrete in terms of experiencing them? Or are you running out of time?

@marmite2023 @hohohowheniscmascoming
thank you.
We have a week. We could go down to London & see the room she has. Pop back to LIS to see how flexible the learning really is. But that might overwhelm.

Re pro's & con's lists. Tried that last year. Got very 'stuck' & very panicky.
She cannot visualise herself anywhere else. She cannot access how she 'feels' abou things (partly ASD partly panic I think).

I'm going to need to steer her. And take the flack if it 'goes wrong'. That's clear.
I'd hoped we could move past this & she would take more locus but her sheer panic is overwhelming. She's been doing 1 day a week p/t volunteering & they are now being sticky about providing a Reference - she isn't able to push as needed - was upset at me intervening, which all bodes ill for Uni this year but she is adamant if she doesnt' go now she is 'too stupid' - small village & 'all' old school friends have gone (true enough). I think she feels a Grad Apprenticeship (as it's called in Scotland, ie doing a degree p/t whilst working) is very '2nd best' - she wouldn't be a 'proper student' & I too feel that it's quite a hard route, working, studying,commuting each week & no long holidays all aged 19 & ASD.

Some of this is her anger at being 'different' (ie being Autistic & Dyslexic)
Also probably that I've been quite protective of her (my H buggered off & doesn't bother with her, also got a late dx of ASD & claims that's why his life is a mess as 'life is too hard to do anything with ASD' :I'm constantly countering that!
Plus we are in a rural village where there was no support & she was bullied for ASD & her accent. She now expects to be bullied & folk pick up on that & do.

So, poor kid is desperate to get away from home/ & have some independance / 'be normal' but convinced it 'wont' work' (says this daily) but feels she 'must go' as 'that's what everyone normal does'. It's a Gordian knot to try to unpick.

Just an UPDATE.
The London course had effectively promised a big bursary.
Found out yesterday that they are not offering it ('Dd can get a loan like any other English student' Fair enough, but why promise before?).
So a bigger £ gamble as max maintenance loan for a Scottish born student studying in London is 4K less than an English born one according to SAAS.
Also, had long chat with Student Support there.
Really nice. BUT - kept emphasising how they run it as a 'boot camp' / 'you have to hit the ground running' / no material is ever recorded to revisit, LOTS of reading & writing (Dd is dyslexic) & how INTENSE it is. Dd is keen for the challenge. I think it now seems more like a vanity project for the School.

no material is ever recorded to revisit,

That is simply not going to suit her is it? What do they actually do to help Students with Dyslexia?

Fair enough, but why promise before?

Because they aren't a proper real university. They are a business who are trying to get sixty people to sign up to a course. Like all of those language schools that are all over London. They told you she would get a bursary and that it was all going to be ever so fabulous to get you to choose them.

The London course is a disaster waiting to happen, there are so many universities with far more support around disabilities, there’s already going to be so much stress to deal with life skills without the university not supporting the academic side.

Yes, we think the London course is too high risk now.
She will select an Abertay course tomorrow & reserve a room.
If she feels up to it she can give it a try. If not, she can withdraw before it starts.
She's also been offered some p/t work.

The London option sounds totally unsuitable and a complete no go. If you don’t assist I’d suspect there’s no chance she could apply for finance and accommodation and physically get herself there by public transport.
She’s had a gap year. Have another gap year. There’s nothing wrong with that. Work the pt job and you both work on her independence. Could she do any short courses or internships or volunteering. So a few weeks away from you and rural Scotland but a lot less pressure than starting uni.
Not everyone goes away to uni and not everyone goes at 18.
The fact it’s you doing all communication with student support does not bode well for her being able to cope.

I think it now seems more like a vanity project for the School.
It really does, doesn't it?

So glad you have made a decision, and hope she finds it suitable either this year or next.

I think this is definitely the right choice.