Open days - do parents go?

[alnitak]

I went to university in the late 80s and my parents were pretty uninvolved in my decision making

My DS is adamant that he doesn't want either of us to go to open days with him, but he is autistic and I am a bit concerned that he will be overwhelmed by it all if they are packed, or miss the things that he really wanted to see. Plus I want to sound out the SEN support.

I know those are quite specific concerns, but more broadly, if he did go on his own, would he be the only one there with out a parent?

I went with my DS. Most of the kids had parents with them. Very few on their own. Many of the kids looked slightly overwhelmed, and certainly my DS was nowhere near savvy enough to deal with it all on his own. He’d definitely have missed out on seeing a lot of the relevant stuff.

The parents all have the same facial expression - a mixture of fear, nerves, pride, excitement, wanting to get all the information they can, and also wondering how the hell their toddler suddenly became a potential university student!

If your DS is determined to go on his own, I’d maybe do some homework yourself, print a map to show him where the departmental buildings are, and identify which sample lectures he might want to go to. Just so he has a plan for the day.

Both my kids wanted me to go with them however DD didn’t really have close friends wanting to go to the same uni’s as her- think if she had she’d probably have gone with them instead. DS had friends who went together to some rather than with their parents too.

If your DS wants to go alone I think its important you let him- lets face it he’ll be at uni alone. As PP’s have said some talks will be student only due to numbers anyway (however I was allowed into one with DS as he has ASD and wouldn’t go in alone).
Sit down and discuss things he needs to find out whilst there, look at what talks he wants to attend (including times & locations), find out where accommodation & student services etc will be on the day so he has a plan. If he doesn’t get the answers to everything you can always email the universities after with any questions you have. Some also do online information sessions you can sign up to.

Depends on what feels right for you and your DC but from our experience over the last 2 years, the majority have at least one parent with them. A large minority have both parents and I’ve seen plenty of siblings too!

All the unis we visited had separate talks for parents/carers so they were expecting us. Usually focused on pastoral and support services, as well as finances.

DD said she wanted one of us with her for each one as she wanted to get our opinion on them (which I’m still a bit in shock at, tbh, and sadly, grateful for 😂). I suspect her younger brother may be slightly different, however!

I went to several, cost a fortune in train fares and hotels.

OP, given your Ds’s ASD, how about suggesting going to the first one to get an idea of how they run and then letting him go off on his own after that if that is his preference.

For parents with NT kids and no other issues of disability etc, I would say it is important to use the years before Uni to encourage their building independence. To use public transport including trains and long distance coaches alone, book and attend events.

The difference now is that parental money is so often crucial to financing Uni so we want a say in how our money is spent. But if they can’t cope with a train or an open day without assistance now, how will they be ready to leave home in a year?

I dropped DS1 off and went into town and found a tea shop.
DS was unusual in that so many others were accompanied by parents asking stupid questions
He was put off the whole idea as he felt it would be treated as an extension of school by the other students and their parents.
DS2 didn't bother with open day, just applied and went.

I went with Dd as I drove her there. She dragged me off round the campus and did pretty much all the talking and decisions on what to see. I only spoke to the finance and housing people.
There were loads of people there with not just one parent, but with two and some with siblings and even quite a few dogs which I thought was pretty odd.

I went to uni 2011 and my parents came to my open days. I’d say 95% of people had their parents with them.

It may have changed in the last 10+ years though

It's quite normal for a parent to go along

DS chose to travel to a London uni alone with a friend a couple of months ago by train and they enjoyed the experience and got to see it how they wanted

Even visiting universities is expensive if they are far away. Overnight stop, food, petrol x 5 or 6.
I purposely didn't go with DD to one of her Open Days. It wasn't some amazing, world-beating place; just another University in an interesting city.
When she realised for herself that it took public transport six hours to get her home, it was struck off the list!

My DD & I did quite a few open days a few years ago and there was a fair mix of both parents & friendship groups at most. Apart from Exeter where it was apparently a full extended family outing including the family dog in quite a few cases 😂

Have attended all the Open Days with mine and as far as I can tell every other young person has had an adult with them, often more than one adult. There are lots of options for the YP to go into lectures/presentations without the parent if they wish, or to go and chat with a tutor/dean/marketing person without you, but essentially parents are very much involved. Possibly because the unis recognise that most of us will be underwriting it.

But DO go and speak about SEN. Some of the unis have brilliant resources for ND students (extra pastoral care, weekly academic advisor sessions etc), I was astounded and reassured - but also made a point of going to speak to those persons while my YP was queuing for coffee so they weren’t embarrassed.

One of us went to all ours. As far as I can remember, once arrived and welcomed, potential students were taken off and parents were taken elsewhere.

I understand your misgivings, having 2 neurodivergent children myself, so would advise the following if he is adamant that he wants to go alone:

Take him and make sure he is with the right group. Make yourself scarce, but available. Tell him to phone if he wants you to come.

If even this makes you nervous, establish contact with the student support team (I did this as soon as they applied to university, anyway). Tell them that he's coming to the Open Day alone and that you are concerned. Give them your contact details and ask them to call if there are any problems.

Sit back and let him enjoy the experience.

This. Not all university are fed up because many of them are very interactive with parents. They understand who is paying!

Many years ago now, but I went alone to mine as both parents worked during the day. One had an interview element as well, and I remember being surprised I was the only student there without parents accompanying.

Today, I would go with my DCs if it was an overnight stay, but wouldn't walk round with them unless they asked. They're going to be alone when they're at uni anyway, so it's good to give them some measure of independence before they're really on their own. Think it's a good idea to generally be available by phone and able to come if needed, but otherwise I'd let them explore themselves.

My DD attended hers alone. She's pretty independent and needs to make these decisions for herself. She tells me that at Cambridge she was asked half a dozen times (by other parents) where her mother was so clearly it was a bit unusual. I was quite surprised tbh.

Thanks all, we're in London and he wants to go to one university with a friend which sounds sensible, he can always go back and explore the campus/area whenever he wants. I do want to go with him to the one university outside of London that he is interested in as he won't very easily be able to go back if he misses anything and it sounds as if it will be busy.

I started uni in 2015, and my parents came to my open days and the vast majority of other potential students had parents with them too.

I'm very excited for uni open days when mine are old enough, a chance to relive it all just for one day 😅

My dad dropped me off and I think they had some sessions or things parents could look at whilst I went and tried various activities and things.

Surely you should be going to see it too, as ultimately you'll be supporting him financially and emotionally and will be wanting to know what's what?

‘DS, I will be taking you to the open days and will have a look round with you, plus join in with any parent sessions that may be taking place. I’m part funding your education therefore I need to know what exactly I’m paying for.’

Is she going to be so independent that she wont be asking you for a financial contribution?

We wanted to see where our child would potentially be living for 3-4 years. Plus as we are forking thousands of pounds to support them we wanted to see the standard of accommodation and get a feel for the teaching albeit limited. Dh and I went with Ds1 to any and all open days we could or just weekend visits to cities etc. Ds2 also came which meant he didn't have to go to visit any of the ones he had already been to.

Lots of talks are just for the applicants due to numbers, some are parent/carer specific. It was a rare student who was there alone without at least one parent with them. I think I have been to around 12 open days for both children.

I don't feel it makes them less independent because parents attended open days. We have years of experience over our child, both Dh and I went to uni and things have changed a lot since then.

I went to uni in 1999 and no parents went on open days. Went back in 2012 for a 2nd degree and nearly all the students had parents with them: they had specific sessions for the parents. I guess parents have to pay more now so are more involved?

My DS has ASD too and he asked me to go with him to the open days. Some kids bring parents so you don’t stand out and some of the talks are aimed at the parents.

My DS did get overwhelmed on both open days he attended, so we didn’t get to see the accommodation. I had planned on taking him to one of the universities next open days but we were scuppered by a bus strike. Ah well.

Is your DS planning on attending the open day with his friend? If he is I’d be inclined to let him go on his own. Can you easily get him if he finds it overwhelming? It’s hard knowing when to protect our DC and when to give them space to be more independent.