My son just told me he hates uni

[Tisforptarmigan]

My son went back to uni yesterday. Once he was on the train he sent me a text saying how he hates his course and is very unhappy.
He said he hates where he is (Bristol) and doesn't like going drinking, so is just in his room all the time on his own.
His course tutor (researcher not lecturer) is Chinese and he finds him hard to understand, when he asks for help he is just told to google stuff. He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.
We have told him that we will support him whatever he decides to do e,g quit and come home but he says that he wants to finish the year. Does anyone have any idea of other options he could have. Could he transfer the year just done to another uni for example?
He is in a basement uni flat and there is only his flat on that level so he hasn't made many friends and is alone a lot.
Can he change his course tutor?

[Tisforptarmigan]

Trying not to drip feed. During lockdown he became very depressed and tried to commit suicide. This was just before he started his a levels. He has refused all help with his mental health and won't take antidepressants. He resat a levels and did well but I am very anxious about him being alone all the time and unhappy as you can imagine.

[Patchworksack]

Is he accessing student support services? There must be a way to change tutor if there’s a personality clash but it’s going to be specific to each university - he needs to speak to the course lead. Has he joined any societies- there will be students that don’t just want to go out drinking but he needs to be in a frame of mind to put himself out there and meet people and it sounds like he is finding that difficult. With your update I think I’d just want him to come home, take the pressure off and try something different. He could always go back to studying later in life.

[FlexIt]

Can you urge him to finish this year and get his pass for it? Then most likely he would be able to transfer, certainly the course and poss the uni.
But start researching this now as it may be difficult to sort out once term ends in June.
It sounds like he would be much better commuting and living at home? Uni lifestyle doesn’t need to be a rite of passage and there’s no intrinsic value in it.

[Beautifulsunflowers]

Tell him to come home. It’s not worth his mental health if he’s that unhappy and given his history you must be worried sick.

He can speak to the university about the possibility of changing courses…..or accommodation. Has he joined groups? I’m sure there’s others who don’t want to go out drinking all the time too.

my ds quit after his first year. Very similar situation- was in 2020 so all the course was being taught online and it was meant to be a hands on practical course. They couldn’t guarantee it was going to be different for the second year and he couldn’t stand being alone in his room learning online.

[Tcateh]

Hi op I'm going to suggest you join the Facebook group
Wiwikau

What I wished I knew about university.

It's an extremely positive helpful group that has been going for a few years. Lots of experience of these situations. Advice on suspended studies, leaving uni, changing courses changing university.

Fees, things to think about and lost of all alot of advice from parents.

Mine has finished uni now but it was invaluable. I'm still part of the group.

Hope you join it.

[Tcateh]

Just to add, yes many many knowledgeable parents who have also had lockdown experience.
From what you said about the mental health side, he is certainly not alone in this.

[Anameisaname]

It's absolutely worth him asking to change tutor. And could you encourage him to join some groups who are not based around drinking. For example, does he sing or at least hold a tune as there's probably a choral group, and male voices usually very welcome and many uni ones are super inclusive (no need to be an expert singer). Does he like gaming? DnD groups often popular at uni also Warhammer, again nerdy types not drinkers and often welcoming to newbies. Some sports are drinking culture sports but some of the more alternative ones are not .. ultimately Frisbee, handball or any more niche ones. Once he finds a few people more in tune with his vibe it will be a lot better for him

[LaPalmaLlama]

If he wants to finish the year then he should definitely do that. I guess the thing to unpick is whether somewhere else ( ie transferring Unis) would be better. I think the less “party” students can take longer to settle but that isn’t to say they’re a minority. They just need to pursue their interests or indeed find new ones. My friend’s son found Uni hard at first but then joined the climbing club and that gave him a new hobby and a weekend focus that might involve a beer after a day tied to a cliff somewhere but isn’t centred on drinking.

[Misthios]

Poor lad. My DD is just coming to the end of her first year and several of her friends are in the same boat, school pushed Uni as the be all and end all and they are finding they have not settled in and are not enjoying it.

I would very much encourage him to finish his first year if possible as this will keep his options open. If he passes his first year, he might be able to transfer onto a similar course at a different university if that's what he wants to do. The MOST important thing is his mental health. This age group has been so badly affected by the lockdowns and many are suffering. Encourage him to reach out to his university's wellbeing or student welfare team as they can support him both through any current crisis, and to help him consider things long term.

I totally hear how worried you are. It's really hard - my older son went through similar last year and is doing much better now after some counselling and a prescription for medication.

[ashiningbeaconinspace]

My non-drinking nephew joined the ballroom dancing group when at university. Men very welcome there.

[seasally]

So many students change either course or university. It's not the end of the world. If he hates it there's really no point in making himself so miserable.

One of my DC didn't enjoy his course and restarted a year later at the same uni but slightly different course and another hated his chosen university and went on to have the best time of his life at a different one.

If he hasn't made good friends, is not enjoying the course, hates where he lives he needs to take stock. He can reapply for next year and get some work experience in the meantime. It's supposed to be a great experience not an ordeal.

[Misthios]

Also on the "non-drinking" thing - it's finding their groove which makes all the difference. My son is not a drinker, is not interested in clubbing. He has found his niche with the tabletop gaming society (magic the gathering, dungeons and dragons, that sort of thing) and the space society. Lots of like-minded people.

[CamaMass]

He said a lot of the work is just online rather than actual lectures so is just in his room watching his laptop on his own a lot.

Is this the case still at some unis?
Or is it that the lectures are in person but also recorded and he's taking the option to stay in his room and watch them?

You must be worried sick OP.
You've had some good advice on here but I think a decision needs to be made first about what the priority is this term.
His health and well being must be put first and foremost and then the other bits will fall into place more easily

[AlwaysFreezing]

Undergraduates are allowed 4 years of funding. He can start over again if it's not possible to change course or uni.

With his mh history, I don't think I'd want him there another minute, but he is right totey and finish the year, especially if he wants to transfer. Transferring isn't easy BTW. His new uninwoukd have to accept the content of the first year he has done mapped to theirs and he therefore has the skills and knowledge needed for the new unis second year. He will probably also need decent grades for the year.

Lots to think about. Start researching the options. And encourage him to contact support services. He's paying for them....

[StrongandNorthern]

Poor lad, and poor you too - you must be worried, and sad for him.
To me university is far, far more than simply the academic experience too. He's currently missing so much in terms of socialising, discovering new activities etc.
The physical isolation of his accommodation could be a big part of it.
My eldest was in a similar situation in his first year. My youngest was on a corridor of 15 rooms where everyone left their doors open a lot - even the shyest were 'drawn out'. The eldest was very unhappy, left, took 2 'gap years', considered his options and then went to a uni close to home where he was very happy. (Looking back, I wonder if simply changing his accommodation may have helped enough to have kept him there - is that a possibility this late in the year? Probably not).
For us the leaving and the 'reset' worked out really well - there's no rush. Maybe he needs some 'time out' to work out some issues before he goes for the happy university experience he can really make the most of. Or ... maybe uni is not for him at all ... but he needs to be happy and stable before he makes his next choices.
I wish you lots of luck - it's heartbreaking having an unhappy child.

[Nettleskeins]

Please ask him to check for vitamin D deficiency (some pharmacies will do private vit d tests) and if necessary supplement with a loading dose. This can be exacerbated at this time of year by indoor lifestyle, lack of sunlight over winter months and contribute to very low mood, lack of energy, irritability. My 17 year old son suffered severely from this until I found out , and even at uni I had to keep prodding him to take supplements (olive skinned, not sporty).
Son found his mood much improved by walking enormous amounts and singing in groups btw, and he still employs these methods to combat depression/anxiety.

[Lovelyview]

I am not an expert on suicide but I would be concerned that he has previously attempted suicide. Have you asked him if he is having suicidal thoughts? I understand from an online training course that asking about suicidal thoughts is a better approach than glossing over it and hoping everything will be ok.

[Parsley1234]

My son had a false start at Greenwich he didn’t go back after the first term he was very depressed after covid it was very hard. However he came home got a job in a pub passed his driving test started at Brooke’s last sept and is loving it. I did look at his options he cd of moved after the first term but he wanted to come home mental health is the priority I think

[YireosDodeAver]

There's loads od social activities that don't include going out drinking. There's an enormous number of clubs and societies that mean even the most reclusive of geeks can "find their tribe" and make friends.

Being told to find the answers yourself is normal for university-level study. Reading the course set-text books, looking on the internet and talking with other students on the course are all parts of learning how to learn without being spoonfed.

I totally sympathise with not finding it easy to understand the course tutor. It can be very challenging when someone has a strong accent. However, academia is international and every world-class university is competing worldwide to attract the best minds in each field of study. It's likely that he will encounter lecturers with strong accents at any university

I'm not meaning to dismiss your concerns but none of these are things that can be "fixed" so what your DS needs is support to tackle the challenges tather than solutions to avoid them.

[Tisforptarmigan]

Thank you for all your great advice. He does have a hobby he loves (climbing) but think that it's hard to get to climbing wall on a bus and he feels like he does not have s lot of spare time to go at the moment. Next year there is the possibility of taking his car so that might help.
Unfortunate uni is a 4 hour train journey away so he can't come back for weekends etc
I think he does not suit the learning style too. I.e do it all yourself as one poster up thread mentioned . that’s my issue, i know i need a degree but i don’t care for academic stuff, i enjoy working hard when its problem solving stuff and creative. if its physical things like climbing or any sport i have enjoyed i want to work hard and try. with university its just so much work that i hate, i find it so hard to self teach myself everything i dont get any support at all

[Tisforptarmigan]

I didn't go to uni so just want to get as much info as possible to help him to navigate what to do next. We never pushed him to uni, he was always able to do whatever we he wanted I think because he got good a level results he thought he should go

[Misthios]

Just keep supporting him OP, let him know you love him and are there for him.

[Oblomov24]

I'm sure he can transfer to another uni, it shouldn't be that hard. He can talk to student services. Make sure he gets out and about, climbing or whatever else he enjoys.

[caffelattetogo]

Ideally support him to finish this year, there's really only exams left. He can do this while looking into whether he can transfer to a university near home and commute.

[Tisforptarmigan]

Thanks for all your help. I'm going to encourage him to speak to student services to see if there is anything to help short term

In the summer holidays I will try to get him to see our doctor ( although I suspect he will refuse).

If he transferred to a new university would he start as a first year, and if they accepted the year he has already done and put him in 2nd year, where would he live? Could he be in halls or would he have to find a house share ?