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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS first term at uni & having a meltdown. Worried sick

142 replies

Teencheang · 01/12/2023 21:43

DS 19 has always struggled with organisation, prioritising things, being unable to follow instructions and being scatty and forgetful. He would often miss out whole pages in tests at school because he just didn’t see them or make the silliest errors. Goodness knows how he got into university at all.

Here we are nearing the end of the first term and things are getting worse by the day. He forgets to eat and then almost passes out, stays up most of the night gaming I think as he says he can’t sleep anyway and that it helps his anxiety, then sleeps half the day and misses lectures etc. He sets two alarms but sleeps through them. It took him weeks to organise the admin stuff when he started and he still hasn’t managed to open a student bank account. He looks pale and sickly. All work is done at the last minute because he says he cannot motivate himself, that’s if he’s actually remembered to do it. Then his anxiety goes through the roof. Thing is, he’s actually very smart.

Im at my wits end. I don’t know how I can help or even if I should be stepping in here.

Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 01/12/2023 21:47

Sounds like uni isn't for him.

OdeToBarney · 01/12/2023 21:48

Has he ever been assessed for ADHD?

Lovedthosechips · 01/12/2023 21:49

student support services should be able to help and it sounds like he may need your help to know how to ask for that support.

TheDayBeforeYouCame · 01/12/2023 21:50

He sounds exactly like my DS who has ADHD and has been so much better since starting on medication.

DingDongMerrilyWithPie · 01/12/2023 21:52

I've worked in student support and my thoughts are something like ADHD too.

Longwhiskers · 01/12/2023 21:52

Is Uni the right place for him? Perhaps doing remote learning might work better as you could help with any admin side from home. Does he enjoy what he’s studying?

Pennyslot26 · 01/12/2023 21:54

Echoing others, that sounds very much like ADHD or similar. Has he ever been assessed?

Couchpotato3 · 01/12/2023 21:56

Is he doing the right course, ie something that he really loves and wants to do? Could that be part of the issue? The first term away from home can be really difficult for a lot of students, but it sounds as though he is really struggling and isn't going to pull himself round without some help. How far away is he? What could you actually do to support him? Can you help him to limp through the next few weeks to the end of term and then try to take stock over the holidays and find a better way forward for him?

Fraudornot · 01/12/2023 22:00

I wish people wouldn’t say university isn’t for him - it might be that university isn’t but he clearly must be clever enough to have got in. It might be a false start - definitely not uncommon and many start again somewhere else and do amazing.

SchrodingersKitty · 01/12/2023 22:03

It is nearly the end of term. I’d try and calm him down and offer him emotional support to get him through the last few assignments and then talk it all over calmly once he’s home for Christmas.

There is a great deal of support available for students who are struggling (and many do) but it requires the students to take the first steps to access it. Over the vacation I’d direct him to the Student Services part of the uni website. There are services for supporting anxiety, and also for assessing other needs (has he ever had an assessment for ADHD for example?). Tutors can also be very supportive - particularly personal tutors - but he will have to go and see them in their office hours and let them know he is having issues.

These issues are incredibly common and do NOT mean he is not up to university. Nothing that went wrong in his first term is irredeemable.

(For context, I’m a recently retired professor and in thirty years in a variety of universities saw many, many students like your son who very soon found their feet. My own son had similar issues with organisation and anxiety but graduated this summer with a very high first.)

Others will say that students should stand on their own feet but I’m on the side of supporting as much as they need. He’ll get there.

mamaison · 01/12/2023 22:08

He needs an ADHD assessment

moomoogalicious · 01/12/2023 22:11

Classic ADHD.

Vriddle · 01/12/2023 22:26

There is lots of support available, but you need to be organised enough to access it, which of course is the problem in the first place!

So find out where in the uni might help him. Some have dedicated study help centres - they can assist him with organising his work and his lectures, how to write papers or conduct research, etc.

Explain to him exactly where to go. And when. Agree a time when he should go, then follow up straight away and ask him how it went. If it wasn't helpful, find out why and if another avenue of help might be better.

Basically, he may need a little hand holding to get him in front of people who can make a difference for him.

Original poster
Teencheang · 01/12/2023 22:27

Thanks so much to all of you for your replies. He has never been assessed for ADHD, just continually nagged by teachers who found him very frustrating to deal with. He is enjoys the course but it is constant work that is required and he struggles with that.
He is at a university that is 5 hours from home, but I’m willing to do whatever I can to support him although I am somewhat limited time wise because I work FT.
He has talked to student services. He overslept on the first day and missed the induction. A tutor told him off and then could see how distressed he was and sent him to student services. However, nothing has really been done yet. Someone said to always keep some snacks in his bag which he said was a good tip.
How would I go about getting him assessed?

OP posts:
Fushia123 · 01/12/2023 22:34

Talk to your GP and get their advice. They won’t be able to discuss your DS directly but you can ask for advice via a telephone consultation. If poss compose an email for him to send to the same GP asking for advice about support.
It is possible for them to give your DS a questionnaire about ADHD symptoms that can be used to refer him on. Also, student services can arrange for him to have more time in tests or extensions for coursework etc. I would contact student services to discuss your concerns - again they won’t be able to discuss him directly with you but you will get him on their radar.

SchrodingersKitty · 01/12/2023 22:35

In terms of getting him assessed - in some universities student services may be able to organise that for him. But it may take a long time. The quickest route would be to find a private educational psychologist and book him in for an assessment yourself.

LIZS · 01/12/2023 22:47

He needs to go back to student support and speak to his personal tutor. There will be a Disability services adviser who can arrange assessments and refer for DSA if relevant. In the meantime he needs to show willing by setting alarms and attending. Is he meeting assignment deadlines and have any exams this semester? What are his catering facilities and can he cook basic meals?

Original poster
Teencheang · 01/12/2023 23:20

I will contact my surgery (he is still registered there and not at uni as it is yet another thing he has not been able to organise) and speak to Student Services. I will also find out about a private assessment.

He sets alarms but doesn’t hear them. I have just ordered a very loud alarm with a vibration pad.

He could get meals there but he forgets to eat and is very thin and pale. When he remembers it is because he’s about to pass out and then he reaches for junk as just wants something instantly.

I do not know if he is meeting deadlines and assessments. He told me about one exam that he somehow missed entirely and had to stay up all night to revise for.
It would help if he mixed with students on his course but he hangs out the whole time with his flatmates. He often doesn’t attend lectures because he can watch them later online.

OP posts:
whatchagonnado · 01/12/2023 23:33

He needs to try and stop the late night gaming (not easy) and try and get a decent night sleep.

Refbuckethat · 01/12/2023 23:45

Classic ADHD vote here too. My DD is ADHD (medicated) and I'm sure me too undiagnosed .

LovedMyLastNameItHadToGo · 01/12/2023 23:47

ADHD loud and clear!

smilesup · 01/12/2023 23:49

Oh this was me...diagnosed with ADHD only 30 years later

LightDrizzle · 01/12/2023 23:55

Fraudornot · 01/12/2023 22:00

I wish people wouldn’t say university isn’t for him - it might be that university isn’t but he clearly must be clever enough to have got in. It might be a false start - definitely not uncommon and many start again somewhere else and do amazing.

It’s not necessarily about being bright enough, it’s about being unsuited. Some people are much better suited to a work environment with structure. The problem with many university courses is that they are predominantly self study and most lectures are optional and assessment in the form of exams which may be months after some modules were covered. A nightmare for procrastinators and people with poor organisational skills. He really doesn’t sound ready.

Would a work based apprenticeship be possible or is he studying arts/ humanities?

Ohnoooooooo · 02/12/2023 00:17

Wow he seems to have so many ADHD traits I am surprised no one has picked up on that before.

Original poster
Teencheang · 02/12/2023 01:45

He kept telling me when he was at school that he felt he had ADHD but when I talked to school about it they didn’t seem concerned. They just thought he was lazy. I think it may have been not as obvious when he was at home because I could help him with time management but things have fallen apart big time now he’s away. It’s like a total breakdown.
He can’t get out of bed in the morning and when he does it takes about 45 minutes to get dressed. He says he gets distracted.

OP posts: