DS first term at uni & having a meltdown. Worried sick

[Teencheang]

DS 19 has always struggled with organisation, prioritising things, being unable to follow instructions and being scatty and forgetful. He would often miss out whole pages in tests at school because he just didn’t see them or make the silliest errors. Goodness knows how he got into university at all.

Here we are nearing the end of the first term and things are getting worse by the day. He forgets to eat and then almost passes out, stays up most of the night gaming I think as he says he can’t sleep anyway and that it helps his anxiety, then sleeps half the day and misses lectures etc. He sets two alarms but sleeps through them. It took him weeks to organise the admin stuff when he started and he still hasn’t managed to open a student bank account. He looks pale and sickly. All work is done at the last minute because he says he cannot motivate himself, that’s if he’s actually remembered to do it. Then his anxiety goes through the roof. Thing is, he’s actually very smart.

Im at my wits end. I don’t know how I can help or even if I should be stepping in here.

Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

Thanks once again to all of you.

I've managed to book an assessment for him in 2 weeks time. I'm working so haven't managed to talk to Student Services yet but that's the next step. I've ordered a couple of books from Amazon with tips to manage ADHD.

I also had a chat with DS and said that whilst I understand that things are difficult, he is going to have to put him some effort too. He said that he sets 2 alarms for 7am but it takes him ages to get up. I told him in the real world, we have to get up for work whether we like it or not. I also said that he needs to study in the library after morning lectures rather than his room as that way he can't fall asleep on his bed. He said he needs to relax for a few hours after lectures! I told him that I have a 30min lunch break and no time to relax after a heavy morning. He agreed that was a fair point and is going to give a go. It's a start.

@Teencheang Can he defer for a year? He is just not going to manage this course at the moment. He will also never manage working as a doctor. Is a rethink necessary? I hope he gets help but how quickly will that be?

Good start, OP!

Totally agree. If I ruled the world , every young person leaving school would do a year of (paid) civic service. It would be a great way of young people mixing, learning practical skills, and giving them a break from the pressure cooker treadmill of exams and formal education.

PS, because of the morning darkness now, I wonder whether a daylight alarm clock would also help? I think you can set these to start mimicking daylight at the time you select.

Small steps @Teencheang

Good luck to your DS. Working at the library will keep him from the gaming.

Once he can kick that addiction/problematic behaviour, then you can get some clear water (as it were) to assess what's going on underneath the gaming as a coping mechanism.

Good luck with the assessment, that is great progress. Well done.

This describes my DD, who is 18 and about to do her A Levels. The disorganisation, forgetfulness, missed deadlines and appointments, poor sleep habits, erratic eating (unintentional fasting followed by junk food binges). She is on a waiting list for ADHD assessment. I have a lot of similar traits so will try to get an assessment for myself at some point.

OP I need to take a break after a few hours of lectures because I've a disability which means comprehending information is difficult. I've no problem working away at my desk and then taking a 30 minute break but lectures are different for me.

Perhaps he could schedule a break or exercise after a long run of lectures to enable him to have the bandwidth to settle to study. He'll learn what works for him but lots of gaming probably won't help.

That's great progress OP, fingers crossed all goes well from here.

I would again encourage him not to sit any exams, unless he's absolutely certain he'll pass and they don't count towards his degree classification. In my uni, a letter from a GP or similar would be sufficient evidence to defer but he should speak to his own personal tutor (or whatever they're called in that institution) to make sure he knows. It would mean exams in the summer, but better to sit them then when he's on top of things than now when it might be a bit of a gamble.

I'd also recommend that he gets in touch with his tutor. At my uni, the medical students have personal tutors called Regents.

Here's an article from a St Andrews med student with ADHD www.bma.org.uk/news-and-opinion/becoming-a-doctor-with-adhd

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/docs/default-source/members/faculties/general-adult-psychiatry/mcveyc-'neurodiversity-in-doctors-and-its-impact-on-their-profession'.pdf?sfvrsn=aca38d1b_5

Does he have a bank account? Can't he just ring the bank and ask for it to be transferred to a student account? I know. He could but he doesn't want to hang on the phone.

He's clearly incredibly smart! I do think a lot of people need catered halls for the first year.

My 17 year old son has ADHD and it’s been a struggle to get him ready for post-school life.

He has like 20 phone alarms just for the morning routine because it wouldn’t occur to him to allocate a few minutes to putting shoes and coat on. Would it work for your son to have alarms like “eat dinner” and “go to bed”? My son reluctantly accepts that he has to have a routine and it wasn’t me being controlling. It makes his life easier.

Is his phone in reaching distance of his bed? Having to physically get out of bed to turn it off might help.

My dd has a bracelet alarm that vibrates to wake you up. She sleep with ear plugs and was worried that she might not hear her phone.Remembering to replace the battery could be an issue but she rate them as alarms.

I agree with some of the other replies that you received about your son not being university ready. It might be best to delay a year and work on life skills during the rest of the year.

@Flyhigher I agree with that about catered halls but many universities don’t have the communal meals in a hall. DD did and the students tended to look out for each other. They saw them at meals and noticed if someone wasn’t around. I think self catering can lead to a student not coming out of the room and by not eating together, they can “disappear”.