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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS first term at uni & having a meltdown. Worried sick

142 replies

Teencheang · 01/12/2023 21:43

DS 19 has always struggled with organisation, prioritising things, being unable to follow instructions and being scatty and forgetful. He would often miss out whole pages in tests at school because he just didn’t see them or make the silliest errors. Goodness knows how he got into university at all.

Here we are nearing the end of the first term and things are getting worse by the day. He forgets to eat and then almost passes out, stays up most of the night gaming I think as he says he can’t sleep anyway and that it helps his anxiety, then sleeps half the day and misses lectures etc. He sets two alarms but sleeps through them. It took him weeks to organise the admin stuff when he started and he still hasn’t managed to open a student bank account. He looks pale and sickly. All work is done at the last minute because he says he cannot motivate himself, that’s if he’s actually remembered to do it. Then his anxiety goes through the roof. Thing is, he’s actually very smart.

Im at my wits end. I don’t know how I can help or even if I should be stepping in here.

Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

OP posts:
piisnot3 · 02/12/2023 16:03

I'd echo the many people above who have suggested ADHD as a causal factor.
I'd also add that gaming disorder is now a recognised condition (by WHO and ICD and increasingly the NHS). Those with ADHD seem to be susceptible.
Ideally, both would need be investigated and if confirmed, dealt with.
If confirmed he'd probably be looking at long term medication for the ADHD and a short term course of CBT/counselling and behaviour management strategies for the gaming disorder. People respond differently to the ADHD meds but for many it is life-changing (for the better).

Leafysuburb · 02/12/2023 16:09

Does sound like ADHD. Uni will likely be able to assess him.

Student services may not talk to you though. I work at a uni and we are not allowed to even confirm/deny whether a student is registered at the uni, largely because of situations where women escape overseas and start studying and then are tracked down by family and forced to return home. So you might not get anywhere with it but worth a try.

Flyhigher · 02/12/2023 16:22

Student services can help. But if he's far away from home there's a limit to what they can do.
Can you move him to a local uni? Can he move into catered halls?

Flyhigher · 02/12/2023 16:23

What subject is he studying? Does he love it or is he just not that interested in it?

Flyhigher · 02/12/2023 16:25

There is medication for adhd I think

Flyhigher · 02/12/2023 16:26

Ritalin

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/12/2023 16:26

I have adhd. It sounds like he does too. Get him assessed so that he can access some help.

Gioia1 · 02/12/2023 16:29

ADHD. Manage it through cbt and meds and things will improve

SpringboksSocks · 02/12/2023 16:35

SchrodingersKitty · 01/12/2023 22:35

In terms of getting him assessed - in some universities student services may be able to organise that for him. But it may take a long time. The quickest route would be to find a private educational psychologist and book him in for an assessment yourself.

Hi I’ve never heard of an Educational Psychologist carrying out ADHD assessments. It’s almost always a health-based team including Consultant (I’ve been part of these teams over the years), as recommended see by the NICE guidelines. I’d be incredibly skeptical of any independent practitioners offering to do them.

randomstress · 02/12/2023 16:41

In now in the USA but here Educational Phycologists are the people responsible for most neuropsychological tests.
It makes sense because my ds was assessed for Autism, ADHD and Dyslexia etc all in the same very long batch of testing.

Flyhigher · 02/12/2023 16:46

Medicine is super tough. Is he really cut out for it... sorry to bring this up... but uni's can't assess everyone, that will need to be privately arranged. Uni's can add in support after assessment. But do not have the money or the staff to assess everyone.

Flyhigher · 02/12/2023 16:47

He definitely could do with catered halls. Helps with routine.

Siriusmuggle · 02/12/2023 16:54

I’m not in a position to diagnose your child. What I will say is that I recognise aspects of him in my own child. Mine is awaiting an adhd assessment. Could yours have SAD ? It seems to be common in adhd ish people. My kid is worse at this time of year. If he’s worried about waking up he’ll ask me to find my iPhone him at a prearranged time.
he struggles to wake because he struggles to sleep so he uses a weighted blanket, vitamin d supplements and a SAD lamp.

poetryandwine · 02/12/2023 17:07

OP,

Do make sure the assessment is carried out by someone the university DSA will recognise and whose diagnosis they will honour, at least for the purposes of Mitigating Circumstances this term and other imminent measures.

FarEast · 02/12/2023 17:11

Student services can help but he needs to step up as well. Knock the gaming on the head. Eat regular meals. Go to sleep at a decent hour. Go easy on the partying. No one can provide a 24 hour concierge service to make sure he's getting to lectures and exams and keeping on top of deadlines. Basically, it's time for him to adult.

Hear! Hear!

To be honest, I’m rather shocked at the advice to the OP to nanny him. It clearly hasn’t worked so far in this boy’s life. He still games to the exclusion of working. This is - for all intents and purposes - an addiction.

But I’m also aghast at thinking that in less than 5 years, this boy could be involved in the care of ill people.

He has a lot of adulting to learn.

PieAndLattes · 02/12/2023 17:13

Lots of students have ADHD and cope with their studies. He’s addicted to gaming and he needs to stop because he is ruining his life. He’s in a really destructive cycle gaming all night then can’t get up the next day so misses lectures and can’t be bothered shopping for food, etc. I’m an academic and have seen lots of mainly young men failing or getting poor degrees because gaming has taken over their lives.

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2023 22:10

And who bought the gaming devices in the first place? Parents don’t see dangers.

LIZS · 02/12/2023 22:25

TizerorFizz · 02/12/2023 22:10

And who bought the gaming devices in the first place? Parents don’t see dangers.

May well be on a laptop which is also used for studying, via a platform like Steam. He needs to learn to self regulate his gaming though, only after his lectures, assignments etc are completed. Op, does he not need to attend labs and classes like anatomy in person?

Original poster
Teencheang · 03/12/2023 00:08

He has been going to some classes but has missed a lot.

I bought him the devices when he was young and was far too lax in controlling them. I’m ashamed to admit that it was easier to avoid the conflict I’d have experienced if I’d removed them completely.

I am going to try the weighted blanket and Vit D tablets as he doesn’t get much sunlight.

It has been really helpful to read other peoples accounts of what their children are like. He has all of the traits that have been mentioned. It takes him at least 45 mins to get dressed in the morning because he is so distracted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teencheang · 03/12/2023 00:09

Yes, the laptop is a problem as it’s too easy to go on other sites. He also always listens to music when he’s studying and spends more time flipping between tracks than working.

OP posts:
curaçao · 03/12/2023 05:15

How did he manage his A level

curaçao · 03/12/2023 05:20

FarEast · 02/12/2023 17:11

Student services can help but he needs to step up as well. Knock the gaming on the head. Eat regular meals. Go to sleep at a decent hour. Go easy on the partying. No one can provide a 24 hour concierge service to make sure he's getting to lectures and exams and keeping on top of deadlines. Basically, it's time for him to adult.

Hear! Hear!

To be honest, I’m rather shocked at the advice to the OP to nanny him. It clearly hasn’t worked so far in this boy’s life. He still games to the exclusion of working. This is - for all intents and purposes - an addiction.

But I’m also aghast at thinking that in less than 5 years, this boy could be involved in the care of ill people.

He has a lot of adulting to learn.

I think it is extremely unlikely he will get that far, or even past the first year.He woyld never have got a place had they known what he was like

user1492757084 · 03/12/2023 05:34

Son needs to see a doctor.
Medication might help but learning to cope is necessary and will also help.
Just because he is at uni doesn't make him wise enough to take good care of himself.
Sit him down and tell him it is a waste of his time and everyone's money for him to be not organised for uni.

Sit him down like a fourteen year old and together mark out a weekly written time table for sleep, eating, classes, home work, work and recreation - some of each every day.
Teach him to make a packed lunch, snack and to have a water bottle with him. Teach him to have a backpack with a diary, etc ready each morning.
Check the diary each night and weekend to help him plan to have work in on time. Show him where to study in the library where he will not be distracted if he doesn't like to do all study at home. Be interested in his assignments and study.
Limit late nights to one per week.
Limit gaming hours and other addictive pursuits.
Teach your son budgeting - with actual cash out per week.

You need to treat him like it is his first weeks at school and he is ignorant. He needs a lot of guidance.
Once he has mastered the firstterm successfully help him shop for meals and cook some each week. Help him go further afield via buses and trains and learning to drive. Your son is a very slow adapter to independent living.

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 06:34

Does he have Adhd or has he spent most of his teenage years gaming rather than learning valuable life skills?

3luckystars · 03/12/2023 06:39

He needs an assessment urgently and don’t be fobbed off any more. He is not going to make it through university without assistance. Good luck.