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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DS first term at uni & having a meltdown. Worried sick

142 replies

Teencheang · 01/12/2023 21:43

DS 19 has always struggled with organisation, prioritising things, being unable to follow instructions and being scatty and forgetful. He would often miss out whole pages in tests at school because he just didn’t see them or make the silliest errors. Goodness knows how he got into university at all.

Here we are nearing the end of the first term and things are getting worse by the day. He forgets to eat and then almost passes out, stays up most of the night gaming I think as he says he can’t sleep anyway and that it helps his anxiety, then sleeps half the day and misses lectures etc. He sets two alarms but sleeps through them. It took him weeks to organise the admin stuff when he started and he still hasn’t managed to open a student bank account. He looks pale and sickly. All work is done at the last minute because he says he cannot motivate himself, that’s if he’s actually remembered to do it. Then his anxiety goes through the roof. Thing is, he’s actually very smart.

Im at my wits end. I don’t know how I can help or even if I should be stepping in here.

Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

OP posts:
Scarletttulips · 03/12/2023 06:55

It could also be dyslexia - have him tested for both.

disappearingfish · 03/12/2023 07:16

@user1492757084 OP is hours away from her son and cannot possibly micromanage him to that extent. And if he does have neurodivergence then he's not going to respond in any case.

FarEast · 03/12/2023 07:19

everybluesock · 03/12/2023 06:34

Does he have Adhd or has he spent most of his teenage years gaming rather than learning valuable life skills?

A very interesting question …

tennissquare · 03/12/2023 08:12

The OP's ds is obviously very bright as he is studying medicine straight from school so has at least 3 x A at a level. This probably links to why his school didn't take his situation seriously because he can perform well in both interviews and exams. Medicine is a very tough course and he will need to pass his first year exams to be able to proceed so he needs help to get him to that point or if he fails his exams he can take a year out to resit them and get the support then too.

itsmyp4rty · 03/12/2023 08:36

Poor executive function is common when you have ADHD/ASD or are ND in one way or another.

Don't listen to people who put it down to 'too much gaming in the teen years' they are ignorant and clearly don't have a clue.

TizerorFizz · 03/12/2023 08:40

The issue I was getting at is the broader problem of dc gaming at a young age and parents going along with it as a pacifier. So when away from home, it’s the “go to” comforter. The former way of life to cling on to when the going gets tough. For some dc, gaming is an addiction but it starts young from what I’ve seen and poor regulation of gaming can lead to this. Saying no is hard. Dc does well when gaming so it appears not to matter. On their own at uni with more study and caring for themselves there is a choice: Gaming or work/living. The gaming addict prefers gaming. I just think parents need to recognise the dangers earlier.

Ohnoooooooo · 03/12/2023 08:45

DelphiniumBlue · 02/12/2023 08:45

This is all really interesting to read, the OPs son sounds very much like my DS, who is currently only just keeping his head above water in his second shot at Uni.
He first went 4 years ago, and we had to pull him out just before the end of his term, as he was spiralling down so quickly. His mental health was really badly affected, and tbh is still not great. He couldn't bring himself to reach out to take the help offered from Student services, couldn't go to lectures, panicked because he'd missed so much, and more scarily, was so isolated that he didn't even know the names of his flat mates.
He'd always been scatty and disorganised, but managed at school due to help at home and supportive friends, who would organise him to go out.
Once he was away from home, he seemed unable to adhere to timetables and plans, couldn't find his way to places ( like lecture halls) or manage basic personal maintenance. Of course he knew how to cook and work a washing machine, but somehow couldn't do it.
We brought him home in the end just before the end of term, in order not to incur fees and accommodation costs the next term. And then Covid hit, so we were very pleased we'd got him home.
He's now at a different, slightly nearer uni, on a different course, where he's made a few friends. He is still struggling with deadlines, and his sleep is terrible.
I suppose what I'd like to know, is what difference does an ADHD diagnosis make? He hasn't got the restless sort, it's the inattentive,procrastinating sort.
Does medication work for that?
He thinks he's got it, but of course can't actually get himself to the GP- we'llhave another shot at that when he comes home for Christmas.
But what would they actually do to help? We've tried the practical stuff, like planners and phone reminders, but once he gets anxious, he just freezes.

We have inattentive adhd in our family. We used medication for my son starting a few weeks before his GCSEs and he smashed his exams - he actually opened his results and questioned if they were correct they were so much higher than predicted.
But mostly we are not medicated for various medical reasons - but what the diagnosis does is help identify what are adhd behaviours and do my children can think in their head I am not lazy - I am acting that way due to my adhd - ok what tools have I been taught to change my behaviour.

yetanotherdaytoday · 03/12/2023 08:48

You need to find out from student services about if it's best to cut his losses and come back when he's ready.

I have ADHD but it was undiagnosed when I went to uni.

I just couldn't cope with the organisation needed. When I spoke to Student Services and said I was thinking of leaving they told me to decide before the end of Semester 1, as if I did, I would still be eligible for funding for a degree in the future, but if I did the full first year I wouldn't be eligible for funding for that year again.

This was many, many years ago, very likely the rules have changed, but find out ASAP what they are, so you and your DS are informed.

And find out from the uni if they can help with getting him out forward for assessment.

FWIW, I went back to uni many years later (and got a first.)

ColleenDonaghy · 03/12/2023 09:25

I'm a lecturer and I would say definitely step in and help him get that diagnosis and treatment asap.

Does he have exams or other assessments coming up? Have a chat with him about whether he should take them - if a student spoke to me about struggling with their mental health to the point they weren't sleeping and eating properly I'd be encouraging them to submit the paperwork to defer the exams (a doctor's letter would be sufficient evidence in my university, as would evidence of engaging with student support but he'll need to check his own uni's rules) and focus on their health for now.

assessedorregreased · 03/12/2023 09:29

DeepEnd · 02/12/2023 08:59

I’d also like to know how a diagnosis helps. DS at 6th form is showing lots of AdHD traits and always has but is really resistant to letting doctors ‘inside his head’. But DH and I are at the end of our rope trying to get him to perform to his abilities.

An official diagnosis helps because support and strategies can be put into place!

Phineyj · 03/12/2023 10:31

If he has ADHD he is lacking in dopamine and what electronics give you are reliable dopamine hits.

If he is diagnosed and medicated he may be able to find better coping strategies.

It could actually make him a better doctor in the long run.

I was thinking about this young man and he must be very able to have got those grades and that place. He may need some help to help himself.

This is so much harder at a distance.

curaçao · 03/12/2023 10:58

tennissquare · 03/12/2023 08:12

The OP's ds is obviously very bright as he is studying medicine straight from school so has at least 3 x A at a level. This probably links to why his school didn't take his situation seriously because he can perform well in both interviews and exams. Medicine is a very tough course and he will need to pass his first year exams to be able to proceed so he needs help to get him to that point or if he fails his exams he can take a year out to resit them and get the support then too.

3 x A are not at all spectacular grades.The bar to being accepted at med school is the kind of person they think you are.i dont think this boy is it!

CharityShopChic · 03/12/2023 11:00

You are being very rude and condescending about someone clearly struggling @curaçao . If he has got into medical school he is clever enough, and has all the other qualities needed.

FarEast · 03/12/2023 12:48

Don't listen to people who put it down to 'too much gaming in the teen years' they are ignorant and clearly don't have a clue.

If you read what a number of us are suggesting @itsmyp4rty is that the gaming is currently extremely problematic.

It is probably a symptom of deeper issues, but it is causing immediate issues. It's clearly giving the OP's DS his dopamine hit, but his behaviour has all the standard hallmarks of an addiction. That is, it is disrupting his sleep, his eating and his work. If he were drinking alcohol all night what would MN say? I'm pretty sure it would be rather different, and no excuses for it.

From @Teencheang description in her first post, it seems fairly safe bet there's some form of executive function difficulty (so probably in the spectrum of ADHD). I've had cause to do a fair bit of training & research for teaching ADHD undergrads over the years. And yes, there can be support and medication and so on.

But the hard grinding truth is that at some point, the person needs to make the decision that they are going to try to use the tools and the strategy and the support that is offered. No-one can do the work for them (although sometimes with a couple of my students it would have been easier & taken up less of my time ...)

Universities and workplaces can make 'reasonable' adjustments or accommodations, but the work still has to be done.

StandByMode · 03/12/2023 13:00

There's a significant overlap between ADHD and autism; both impact executive function, which is the term for many of the issues your DS is experiencing.

Speak to student services and see if they are able to offer a way forward. My gut feeling is that he's fallen apart so completely that he should move back home for this year and defer until next year. Then you spend your time on trying to get a treatment plan and diagnosis set up. He'll need a part time job too, so can practise getting himself to places on time, and so you can tell if the treatment is working.

If he got into medicine, I suggest that the gaming isn't that huge a problem, but maybe has grown into a temporary problem as he's trying to help himself regulate while everything else is falling apart around him. A symptom, not a cause.

Xenia · 03/12/2023 13:04

He has done extremely well to get into medical school so if at all possible should be helped to continue without breaking off. A bit of parental involvement even if just to get him to send emails from the university for a parent to check so they know where there are issues or help him organise is probably going to be a bit better than that he just drops out after all that hard work to get his place. I notice my son puts his mobile outside the room (when he is working from home - he is a trainee solicitor now and works at home a few days a week from here) and that is probably because otherwise he would be distracted texting friends so perhaps the son here could do something practical to stop the late night gaming if that is interfering with his work. Medicine is a very hard course (my sibling is a doctor - as indeed were my father and brother) and it involves a lot of on going effort).

Bunnyannesummers · 03/12/2023 13:12

Does his uni offer a foundation year? One option could be to ask to swap to that (either now or next year) to give him time to get his shit together. Because it’s medicine it’s not as simple as resit, transfer or reapply - he’s already missed the deadline to reapply for one

poetryandwine · 03/12/2023 14:02

FarEast · 03/12/2023 12:48

Don't listen to people who put it down to 'too much gaming in the teen years' they are ignorant and clearly don't have a clue.

If you read what a number of us are suggesting @itsmyp4rty is that the gaming is currently extremely problematic.

It is probably a symptom of deeper issues, but it is causing immediate issues. It's clearly giving the OP's DS his dopamine hit, but his behaviour has all the standard hallmarks of an addiction. That is, it is disrupting his sleep, his eating and his work. If he were drinking alcohol all night what would MN say? I'm pretty sure it would be rather different, and no excuses for it.

From @Teencheang description in her first post, it seems fairly safe bet there's some form of executive function difficulty (so probably in the spectrum of ADHD). I've had cause to do a fair bit of training & research for teaching ADHD undergrads over the years. And yes, there can be support and medication and so on.

But the hard grinding truth is that at some point, the person needs to make the decision that they are going to try to use the tools and the strategy and the support that is offered. No-one can do the work for them (although sometimes with a couple of my students it would have been easier & taken up less of my time ...)

Universities and workplaces can make 'reasonable' adjustments or accommodations, but the work still has to be done.

Edited

This is an excellent post. From sitting on Mit Circs panels I must say it is frustrating to see some students putting in petitions virtually every term, because in spite of all the support the university has put in place for them they are unable to do the work - or believe they are.

Their MH conditions are various but the common feature is that these students, whom we believe to be intrinsically able, want us to apply sticking plasters rather than doing the hard work of self managing their conditions. (Of course I fully support meeting students’ needs for extra time, special equipment, etc - the ‘sticking plasters’ are mainly various forms of mitigation). Then, ultimately, most of those who take this approach don’t make it anyway.

One can have enormous sympathy for students with MH issues or conditions and still urge that they and their families proceed cautiously and with open eyes.

FarEast · 03/12/2023 14:59

Thanks for stating that far more succinctly than I can at the moment @poetryandwine

Im currently dealing with a couple of students heading for just this situation. It’s very frustrating.

Angrymum22 · 03/12/2023 15:09

A lot of DS19 year are having a gap year. A significant number who were in the year above him struggled in their first term last year ( mainly boys) and dropped out and deferred. They were just not ready. The pandemic disrupted not just their education but also their development. They spent huge amounts of time online either in lessons, gaming, socialising or just relieving the boredom.

Op, your DS may have some neurodivergence but he also may just need a little more time to develop the necessary skills he needs.
DS had a rough time with mental health during the pandemic and particularly when their GCSEs were cancelled. Up to that point he was organised, managed his time well and was working towards very good grades. The lockdowns just stripped away at his self discipline. Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 weeks before he started 6th form and my DH had a stroke 2 months after I completed treatment. He admits, now, that he drifted through yr12 in a bit of a daze and didn’t really start working until after his mocks in yr13. By that time he basically had to teach himself. He’s a bright kid so did well in his A levels but I carry a great deal of guilt that DH and my health issues seriously disrupted his education.

We had a big discussion in yr12 with him and encouraged him to take a gap year. It was the right thing to do. He has seen his friends go off to uni, although a good few are having gap years like him so he has a reasonable social life. He is working part time to build up savings and is now pretty much cooking, cleaning for himself and learning life skills in preparation. The deal was that he had to muck in and live like he would if he was in halls. It appears to be working.

I went to uni over 40yrs ago. Very few of the people on my course arrived straight from 6th form. They had either had to do retakes, travelled or just worked for 12 months to help out financially. We were also a different generation who had not been so reliant on parents.

If your DS is really struggling then it may be possible for him to defer this year and restart again next year. Maybe a year working and resetting his life would help. Reintroducing some structure to his life may help him learn to plan and self motivate.

disappearingfish · 03/12/2023 17:53

Really good posts from @poetryandwine and @Angrymum22.

Hope your DS gets himself sorted OP.

poetryandwine · 03/12/2023 17:57

Wise words, @Angrymum22 Your family has been through so much. Best wishes to you all

Automaticforthepeople · 03/12/2023 19:59

I hope you are able to get a needs assessment. I found this on DSA (Disability Students’ Allowance): https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/disabled-students-allowance-dsa/what-dsa

It sounds as though he could really benefit from specialist study skills support and mentoring, which can be funded by DSA.

A study skills tutor would provide tailored 1:1 support to overcome challenges and barriers to learning, including time management and organisation, by exploring different strategies.

It may be worth checking out the university and university library websites and encouraging your son to do so too, to see what support is available. Some universities have their own counselling service, if he feels this would help. There may also be study skills and wellbeing workshops. Some universities also have excellent study skills info on their websites.

What is DSA?

Disabled Students’ Allowance (DSA) is a grant you don’t need to repay.

https://www.ucas.com/finance/additional-funding/disabled-students-allowance-dsa/what-dsa

Flyhigher · 03/12/2023 21:04

I think they all need a year out. Working and travelling.