DS first term at uni & having a meltdown. Worried sick

[Teencheang]

DS 19 has always struggled with organisation, prioritising things, being unable to follow instructions and being scatty and forgetful. He would often miss out whole pages in tests at school because he just didn’t see them or make the silliest errors. Goodness knows how he got into university at all.

Here we are nearing the end of the first term and things are getting worse by the day. He forgets to eat and then almost passes out, stays up most of the night gaming I think as he says he can’t sleep anyway and that it helps his anxiety, then sleeps half the day and misses lectures etc. He sets two alarms but sleeps through them. It took him weeks to organise the admin stuff when he started and he still hasn’t managed to open a student bank account. He looks pale and sickly. All work is done at the last minute because he says he cannot motivate himself, that’s if he’s actually remembered to do it. Then his anxiety goes through the roof. Thing is, he’s actually very smart.

Im at my wits end. I don’t know how I can help or even if I should be stepping in here.

Thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.

The problem is @FarEast is that if he does have ADHD, then the techniques which work for neurotypical people are not going to work for him. It's not as simple as "just learn some self-discipline". He's clearly a bright lad with good enough grades to get into uni, and struggling enormously.

In the short term you can help with the waking up thing - mine has a similar issue at this time of year. Tell him to put his phone out of reach, and make sure it's not on silent. Then ring him at the same time every morning. Force him to have a conversation with you until you're satisfied he's awake. Obviously this is not a long term solution but it could help a bit for the last few weeks of term

I've taught quite a few young men like him over the last 30 years. Yes, he may have some reason, but the gaming does not help (to put it mildly).

You can diagnose all the things in the world, but if someone is in denial, or not prepared to exercise some sort of self-knowledge - or discipline - then they are not going to thrive.

That's what I mean when I say that someone might not be ready for university. It has nothing to do with "cleverness" and everthing to do with an appropriate level of maturity.

And frankly, too many young men are facilitated by everyone around them. Whereas I find the young women just get on with things. Because they are expected to, and haven't had a world in which they are unquestioningly facilitated.

I've got about 3 students currently where I'm doing everything I can to get them through, and they take up far more of my time and attention than all my other students put together. They're bright, intelligent, nice young men. But on the other hand, I find their assumption that somehow everyone else will facilitate them depressing.

As a uni lecturer, students with ADHD do struggle even with meds. However, those students who have such a difficult first semester...not attending, missing assessments...not feeling mentally well.... They are often on a path for it to spiral despite any efforts from tutors.

I would see if he'll come home for a weekend and you can have a good talk to him. He could temporarily withdraw, get assessed etc and restart next year with better support in place.

The wait for a referral is very long , he would have finished uni by the time he gets his appointment. I would look into other ways of supporting him .

A diagnosis does help, as it enables schools & universities to make reasonable adjustments, and the student/pupil can then gain access to 1 to 1 support.

But note 'reasonable' - at university, students then still need to find a way to get their act together - that's where 1 to 1 support in terms of a kind of life coaching can really help - and do the work.

I remember a couple of years ago pulling out all the stops (and I wasn't the only lecturer doing this) for an ND student who was struggling. Then we found out that this student was working in 2 jobs for 40 hours a week. At that point, I have to say that all the diagnoses etc in the world won't help. That sort of decision made the student's study unsustainable, whatever their ND status.

I'd say the same about gaming. That has to stop. It may be a symptom (of ND), but it is the immediate cause of the OP's son failing at the moment.

That depends. Adjustments van be put in place before a formal diagnosis and assessments can be easier to access via uni than an LA or nhs. It might buy him enough breathing space and support to keep his place.

Thank you all so much. There are so many useful suggestions here and things I hadn’t considered like taking him out of uni for a year or switching to a local uni. He’s studying medicine so I’m not too sure how easy that would be but I could find out.

I didn’t think of calling student services because I assumed they wouldn’t want any contact with parents but they will be my first port of call on Monday.

I didn’t really consider ADHD before as he was always very quiet and well behaved in class and on the very odd occasion when he was interested in something he would be totally focused.

I hope that he can somehow get through this year because I’m not sure what he would do with himself if he comes home for a year. He’d spend the whole day gaming I expect.

I feel sick to the pit of my stomach for not listening to him properly when he asked to be assessed.

@DeepEnd yes medication has really helped my dd. She only got it towards the end of her final year but once the dosage was right it made a big difference. Prior to that her disability services adviser was helping her.
once she got a diagnosis then there was access to a weekly mentor and Software that could help. Wish she had it done earlier.

You urgently need him to be assessed and a plan made to address the symptoms (assuming adhd), medication if necessary. I cannot stress enough how urgent this is - throw money at a private clinic if necessary.

At the same time he (with help from you) this week needs to contact student services, disability services, student union to let them know he is under investigation for ADHD. He is currently at very high risk of being booted off the course - knowing he may need / get extra support might just mean he can stay, at least for the year. Note that repeating the year could be something that is required and may well be a positive.

If he's doing medicine transferring to a local uni isn't realistic - and tbh is only going to mask problems because you'll be on top of things for him.

If he's not coped with term 1 year 1, he won't cope with any of it.

Starting again next year if they let him could be positive if it gives him a chance to sort medication out. (Working - HCA? not gaming - be strict). However you really really need the uni and disability office to be onside - first year places are strictly controlled as you know and they'll be looking at applicants now.

Agree that it may be beneficial to restart next year. He is clearly bright if he got onto the course but his present difficulties will prove problematic if he is already behind and missing exams. Did you have to wake him each morning for school and help him manage his workload? Or was he capable of doing so? Whatever adjustments are put in place he needs to be independent to some extent if he is to complete the course and function as a medic. A year out, working and developing coping strategies would be beneficial longer term.

Our DD is much younger (10) but the diagnosis helps us - before she was diagnosed we were regularly trying to work out where on earth we were going wrong as parents...

ADHD is also highly heritable and it can throw some surprising light on the struggles of other family members.

Also opens the possibility of medication, and extra time in exams.

DS's ADHD was exposed when he started uni. In the school years, all the organisation and executive functioning had been done by..... me....and it suddenly became glaringly obvious that DS, whilst clever, was lacking in these areas. it can LOOK LIKE laziness and lack of motivation but DS really lacks the ability to get himself on task, stay on task, and move between tasks. He also has terrible anxiety- which i believe is largely due the undiagnosed ADHD. He's been on the waiting NHS waiting list for assessment for 24 months now....
You need to do anything necessary to get your DS to the end of term. That might involve you going up there. Give him lots of moral support and encouragement - and then use the holiday for him to recover and make a plan for the future.(How is your DS managing without a bank account???)
Random idea: Can you send him an online shop with supplies of nice/easy food in it?? - you'll have to make sure he's there to receive the delivery though...

And don't worry about him taking the rest of the year off and spending it gaming. It's better than him having a complete mental health breakdown, believe me.

Whilst that's true, it would also be a supreme waste of an opportunity to get his executive function/adhd to a manageable state that enables him to fulfil his potential.

He’d spend the whole day gaming I expect.

Why are you so passive about the gaming? Whatever the underlying learning disability/neurodivergence, the family g is the immediate cause of him failing at the moment.

Maybe get him some help for his addiction.

I know MN is very keen to suggest ADHD for everything and I don't know if that is the cause but to me it sounds as much like depression and anxiety.

Universities have been criticised for not informing parents when students are struggling and it's a fine line privicy wise but you need to know he is safe.

I think he needs to see a GP asap, preferably with you with him. I know he's an adult but in this case I feel he needs someone to advocate.

Any kind of assessment for ADHD (if that's what it is) and treatment will not happen quickly enough for him to keep up his course.

Medicine just gets harder and harder. I agree that he needs to take a year out until he is well enough to start again. Home with you. Get a boring part time local job and a routine and give up gaming.

One of my DC had a uni flatmate who did marathon gaming sessions and it didn't go well.

You have some good advice from academics and other educators I recognise here, OP.

I would like to add to the urgency of getting your DS assessed and diagnosed, whatever it takes, and also of taking his personal tutor into his confidence. We are all very familiar with this scenario and almost everyone truly wants to help; furthermore we are institutionally invested in providing that help. In the unlikely event that your DS’s PT really is the School’s stuff of nightmares, he could contact the School’s Student Support Officer instead. It is much more likely he will think contacting his PT about his situation is a nightmare because he is embarrassed to do so. Please reassure him that his plight is so normal as to be boring and we like helping our students!

I am not one to diagnose from afar but I feel sure a formal diagnosis is coming. That is good news for all the reasons PP have said and one more. A diagnosis will give DS a reason to submit a Mitigating Circumstances Petition regarding his missed assessments thus far and until a plan is developed. Each uni handles things differently so he needs to take his diagnosis to the DSA to work out a support plan and to his Student Services Officer to work out the Mit Circs.

(A diagnosis and the Mit Circs process do not constitute an unlimited Get Out of Gaol Free card! The SSO will explain).

Having sat on many Mit Circs panels I would warn that the common mistake when in psychological distress is to be overly optimistic. You need a strong foundation and you need good health to acquire that. From what you’ve described, DS may well benefit from taking the rest of this year to regain his health and making a fresh, strong start next year. If so I hope he can negotiate to do that at his present place, if he likes it. Best wishes to him

He has a place doing medicine so has done very very well and if possible should stick with it. When one of my sons was disorganised at university in his last year - he restarted year 3 as his dissertation plan was late and they made him - he asked me to have access to his university email account (not something I would otherwise have done of course!). I then gave him lots of notice of essay deadlines and I think I spoke at one point to a nice lady who dealt with people with organisation problems even though my son was the student and I was just the mother. He also lived at home in years 2 and 3 but that possible because we wer an hour's drive and he drove to university which is probably not likely to work with medicine.

My other son has a friend whose parents emigrated from India to the UK for the son's private school education and then the mother moved to the university sity with her son at 18 and lived with him, keeping an eye on his studies (that is a route only for a true tiger mother of course and not something most boys would accept!). however if your work allows you might be able to make a 2 week trip down to help him a bit

If a diagnosis is not forthcoming and he's going to stick it out then I'd help him with planning.

He can make himself a list of daily jobs (brush teeth, get breakfast etc) and a weekly list with lectures he needs to attend, time it takes to travel, reading time or writing time to meet deadlines.

Maybe he doesn't have those skills? People I've known with ADHD do that to help them cope.

He could decide on an amount of computer playing that is reasonable and plan that in. Tbh he'd be better off not having access to gaming at all if he can't control himself playing it.

Student support services should be his first port of call, they can arrange for mentors, for people to help with organisation, people to check in on him. Dd had a weekly welfare check from her halls too, (fainting from not eating an issue here) . I made her weekly menus and worked on skills as far as self care are concerned. She dropped out once but restarted elsewhere and keeping fingers crossed for graduating this summer!

Oh and my dd is autistic. Lots of overlap though

Student services can help but he needs to step up as well. Knock the gaming on the head. Eat regular meals. Go to sleep at a decent hour. Go easy on the partying. No one can provide a 24 hour concierge service to make sure he's getting to lectures and exams and keeping on top of deadlines. Basically, it's time for him to adult.

If he's studying medicine he must be bright and gotten some amazing A Level results.

Very like my DD. School were sceptical until I took matters into my own hands and stopped managing her for half a term.

I set her up for success- alarms, plenty of food for breakfasts, train and bus timetables printed and stuck on the fridge, apps on her phone. Made sure she had all her passwords for school apps and websites.

Then I stepped back.

In the first 2 weeks she had 7 prep detentions, was late 5 times. Lost her PE kit. Her bus pass. Her school swipe card. She forgot to turn up for an athletics competition and when they found her in the lunch hall they realised she'd brought her football boots not her running spikes.

Then in week 3 things went badly wrong....

By the end of the half term she was referred. I paid privately to expedite things. The impact of medication on her was a revelation. Absolutely life changing. Took 6 months to find one she could still eat food and take but she's 3 years later and a different person.

She's doing well at school. She's watched and read a lot of ADHD stuff and uses loads of different techniques to get things done. 3 alarms. Apps on her phone that chase until she completes a task. Voice note reminders. Endless lists.

Weirdly she's known for being organised as a A level student because she knows it's harder for her and so she makes extra effort.