Is WIWIKAU overly sensitive?

[Ohmygoodness23]

I joined a Facebook group called What I wish I knew about university (WIWIKAU) about 4 months ago in readiness for my eldest going off to uni (he is now 8 weeks into his first year). Haven’t checked in for a while but did earlier this evening and discovered that I have been barred from the group!! I only replied to a few posts - one, offering advice about accommodation in Newcastle (which was well received); two, saying to a parent that it should be their DC’s decision not their’s about clearing unis and RG is not the be all and end all; and three - saying that it was premature and absurd for a fresher DC to drop out within a week coz they hadn’t made friends yet. I was very polite at all times. But I am banned from WIWIKAU now. No recourse or appeal mechanism.

I don't like that it's not anonymous (unless posting the original question).
Also I do find, not exclusively with WIWIKAU but also on MN, that people ask questions that could easily be found by googling.
And agree there are so many helicopter parents in there - saying how distraught they are their kids have left home, that they want to track them, text them several times a day, send them food orders, do all their laundry when they visit home, and yes batch cooking. Micromanaging them from afar.
I have had plenty of questions myself, and as I'm new to this system having not grown up in this country may be they sound obvious, but I Google it/check the university web pages etc first. I'm usually looking for others' experience rather than what the university itself says.
I do find WIWIKAU useful but frustrating too.

I joined a few months ago and have found it interesting. Mumsnet is more focused on higher grade students so it’s good to see a range on the Facebook group.
With finance questions on mumsnet most responses are saying everyone knows you need to save from birth/contribute whereas it’s clear from Facebook group lots have no idea of level of top up.
I was shocked at level of helicoptering by some eg tracking phones.
I do post on my subject area as it’s what dc is going to study too and I’ve put a lot of legwork in this year inc visiting countless uni open days.
I just try and be diplomatic and answer as I would in real life. So I’d say top firms or chambers mainly recruit from these universities (see link) not chances of being a barrister if you go to X uni are practically zero.

If you actually used the word 'absurd' you might slightly want to redefine your ideas of politeness....

I guess the whole point of it is that it’s aimed at people (parents) who may not have gone to university themselves or are not au fair with the whole process in the UK.

It always saddens me when parents have not realised until the last minute they may need to support their kids financially but I think perhaps that’s related to a culture that does not necessarily prioritise education over expenditure on other things, but that’s another discussion!

The photos of the overladen cars & extensively decorated rooms always make me especially if they have taken two carloads or hired a van!

And don’t get me started on those who are heartbroken missing their kids! I miss mine but I’m not going to wail to a bunch of strangers

@NotDonna - could you recommend the group that IS helpful to ND students please? (we've just had a horrible experience at Edinburgh which om keen not to repeat next year...)

Contrary to some posters, I think there are quite a few parents on MN who don’t realise they are more than likely going to have to help finance their DC through university (and possibly beyond). You see it quite often when posters are deciding whether to have another child, and they don’t think they have to think about university costs etc, it’s all about another baby being a blessing. Then suddenly realising that when that baby is a teenager the student loans hardly cover accommodation never mind anything else

I have found this one helpful https://www.facebook.com/groups/264205858490793/

I am on that facebook page but rarely post. Some parents are overly involved in the lives of their student children. If you can filter past those posts there is a lot of useful information on there. One thing that has struck me over the last couple of days is how difficult it can be to share a flat with a group of strangers if there are large differences in personality or if one person is a bully.

yes, that’s the one @3Muses and @medianewbie if you do use it, prepare to be banned from the wiwikau fb group though.

Good that we scroll by when we think a parent’s involvement is too much@elephantandorchid It’s hard for all of us to understand the issues for others and that FB group is pretty good for being non-judgmental. Better that we scroll past things we don’t agree with or understand than to pass judgement.

I’m talking about the FB page for ‘parents of neurodiverse students’ btw NOT wiwikau - the latter can be very judgey with very harsh admins.

I had a post removed when a parent was saying she felt like it was a bereavement when they went to uni. I said I missed my kids but was no way like a bereavement as could text, call or visit them whenever I wanted. Apparently this was unsympathetic.

I left the group, agree about overly involved parents, shocked by those that track their whereabouts. Some members set up parent groups for the Uni too which I don't get.

Think a lot in the group forget how big some Unis are too and a handful of negative comments about teaching, area, accommodation etc puts them off and yet there's another 40 k students happily studying / living there.

This is the best post on here, I agree with all of what you've said.

I was lucky. I was on, and am still on a very nice mn thread with @Piggywaspushed, re ds1. So didn't need wiwikau so much. And am likewise on a nice thread with @NotDonna, re ds2.

I think mn and wiwikau are both very supportive of ND children going to uni, or what I have seen. Or any other direction they choose to take. Any help they need, student services, getting assessments done etc. I have seen lots of good advice re this.

I always enjoy @Piggywaspushed's contributions.

I did find the higher education MN threads where our DC were in the same cohort really supportive and helpful TBH.

I do think that parents and students need to understand that university isn't school. Although DD didn't expect it to be like school the lack of engagement with teaching staff was still a shock. They had different lecturers and tutors for different topics within each module so there was no opportunity to build up a rapport with any of the staff.

Her personal tutor was a waste of space - she met him once at the beginning as part of a group, and he never even turned up for the next meeting, so she changed hers. She never met her second personal tutor as it was during the lockdowns, and I think they had one Teams meeting. When DD needed a reference for a masters application the tutor didn't even know who she was.

Although DD said she enjoyed her time at university she felt that the disconnect between the students and staff was really the only negative aspect.

I have been on it for the 4 years my DC was at uni. Their 1st year did not work out, so they started again. The advice I received was invaluable. I am still on it now though DC graduated this summer, some people ask foer experiences of my DC's uni or course and I occasionally offer my/DC's take on it. Horses for courses I suppose.

Hi @Oblomov23 indeed that was why I was so shocked to have had my post on wiwikau not only deleted but the admins banning me without warning. I’ve not missed it but do find the banning of people who highlight a very specific source of help rather appalling and not very inclusive. Someone had asked for uni suggestions for their autistic DC with quite specific needs. After 3 days no one had replied - so I replied with a link to ‘Parents of ND Students’ FB group. That was all. Apparently this happens every time according to posts on the ND group. Similarly posters are banned for suggestions of mental health groups etc. Wiwikau doesn’t allow ANY signposting. Seems very bizarre. Just seems mean (and discriminatory) to not let parents help others.

It's very helicopter parent-y.
I'm also on a parent's page for my YP's Uni and this year's parents are far more helicopter-y than previously. Having loan paid to them then them paying accomodation, getting bus timetables for their DC, price of facilities, getting laundry instructions. I generally answer plenty of Qs on the page but I can't answer any of these bonkers ones. They freely admit they are controlling when (gently) challenged.

@NotDonna I noticed a couple of days ago they’ve set up their own group for ND parents. They promoted it then turned off comments for the post, presumably so noone can say ‘there’s already a group, it’s been going for years, come and join.’

I have significant knowledge in this area and have found that they are not actually interested in providing people with expert information. They’d much rather the same opinions and fuzzy advice keep circulating. I guess the truth doesn’t drive engagement unfortunately.

Agree with PP’s saying WIWIKAU is intense- someone explained on here previously that it was largely parents who hadn’t been to uni and so had no reference point and I thought that was probably true. The inane questions and helicoptering is next level, and so unhelpful for the majority of daughters/sons. The batch cooking blows my mind. Isn’t there also a Graduates site, so this really does never end and we can look forward to arranging house- shares for 27 year olds and intervening with their landlord about a patch of missing carpet or some such non-drama.

The other thing they do on WIWIKAU is staunchly recommend the same unis time and again, ones I’d never heard of before. I was completely influenced and visited one that pops up all the time with my dd and it was a total hell- hole, so that sobered me up on recommendations. The odd snippet of info is useful, but I have to stop myself posting ‘wtaf’ quite a bit.

Joined a couple of weeks ago and found it eye opening. Had expected it to be more for students so was surprised to find it was almost exclusively parents. Any mention of it is banned in this house and gets shouted down by the student offspring as 'more nonsense from the Internet'
Also keep seeing names of people I know posting on it, which feels a bit weird!

It's quite likely some kind of setting reset OP
I found myself out of the groa few weeks ago, queried with admin and they had no idea what happened and readmitted me.

I'm not on it but am on the parents Facebook group for DS2s uni. It's very popular with well off international students who's parents like it's "quaint" safe location and "posh" reputation but still helicopter like mad! So many dramas and anxieties about perfectly ordinary things like travelling by bus or dealing with a cold and such a lot of expensive treats sent to children to cheer them up ( and make sure they can't forget Mom exists). Not to mention a very needy desire to join in and be involved that is very alien to my experience! I regularly have to bite my tongue!

I think a lot of women feel bereft when their DC go to university because they feel redundant. Their whole identity is tied up with being a mother, then they are no longer needed.

I don't think this is a particularly healthy or rounded outlook to have TBH.

I had a post deleted for signposting another group too. I wasn't banned though!

The only deserved banning I know of was a really obnoxious man who overtly criticised uni and course choices. Far more MN suited!!