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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

I’ve done the research, drafted the PS - is this normal?

332 replies

Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 14:57

DS in year 12 asked me to help him research universities to apply to as his school was nagging at him to get the ball rolling. He knows what he wants to study and as it is quite niche, that narrowed it down.

I got obsessed with rather into it and have now spent many, many, many hours sifting through unis and drilling down into modules. I’ve given him a VERY detailed paper setting out the pros and cons of each course, of each uni that offers it, accommodation options and costs, travel time, graduate prospects, student satisfaction ratings and the like. I’ve also done a first draft of his personal statement and booked open days for us to go to. DS is very grateful and is looking over the paper over the course of the next few weeks.

When I mentioned this to a friend, she was horrified and said she just left her DS to it. Another friend thinks it’s wonderful and has asked me to help her DD.

Did I do the right thing? Uni is expensive and I want my DS to have the info he needs to make the right choice for him. I emphasise that where he applies to will be up to him but at least he has all the info he needs now without having to ferret around in the interstices of uni websites.

OP posts:
conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:05

I wouldn't have done as much as you. I'd have left him to it because at the end of the day it's time for him to adult up

pornyshroudofturin · 07/03/2023 15:08

Why couldn't he access the information and filter it as a first step? Totally understand wanting to discuss it, but he seems to have abdicated responsibility. Surely his should be something the child leads on, with support?

MrsBunnyEars · 07/03/2023 15:09

Will you be writing his essays too?

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:10

I view this as the first uni test -
Are they interested enough to do the basic research.

I'd have helped if they asked but I'm honestly stunned you've presented him with a document.

PutinTheFuckingBasket · 07/03/2023 15:11

Help / support with researching different unis and courses - fine.

Writing a first draft of his personal statement - absolutely not fine. That's basically cheating.

Lcb123 · 07/03/2023 15:13

Helping him research, taking to open days - fine. Drafting a PS is cheating. If he wants to make the big commitment of going to uni, he needs to make his own informed choice and get in on his own terms.

BigglyBee · 07/03/2023 15:14

I helped a lot with the personal statement, but he did the research himself. He asked for my opinion on the uni he wanted to go to most, because I went there. I hated it and told him that (I would really have preferred him to go elsewhere).
However, he spoke to people who had recently studied his subject there, and he felt it was a good fit for him and had good enough pastoral care, so he accepted their offer.
He was right. He is challenged but well supported, he loves the city, and he has made plenty of friends.

bguthb90 · 07/03/2023 15:15

Unless he's really, really laid back or lazy, it sounds like you're sucking out any enjoyment he may have got from doing any independent research himself.

Singleandproud · 07/03/2023 15:16

I think you've done him a disservice. This is the first big decision your child has had to make and you've done all the work for him.

If he wants to go he should have done the research, you could have then guided him with questions about the modules or the accommodation etc. Doing that much work for him means he has lost that opportunity which is really the first test of going to Uni and earning your place through the PS.

TallulahBetty · 07/03/2023 15:17

Does he REALLY want to go?

RRRException · 07/03/2023 15:17

It’s awful “helping” or full on writing the PS for them. It’s cheating.

Really, let go.

You aren’t doing him any favours in the long run. You can really tell which DC have been spoon fed when they’re adults living away from home. Do you want that for your son?

Original poster
Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:17

Yes I probably went too far writing the PS. However, I know many teenagers do use PS writing services - they are readily available where you fill in a questionnaire and the writer then drafts a PS from it. Also, at a private school I know, they totally rewrite the PS for students who request it! So if I am cheating, so are many others. Most unis don’t read PS’ anyway I am told

OP posts:
mizu · 07/03/2023 15:19

DD in year 13 and did it all herself - I read the PS when she had finished and corrected a couple of errors.

It's their responsibility to do this, it's for their future.

I have taken to two open days so far and will probably do another, happy to do that!

RRRException · 07/03/2023 15:19

Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:17

Yes I probably went too far writing the PS. However, I know many teenagers do use PS writing services - they are readily available where you fill in a questionnaire and the writer then drafts a PS from it. Also, at a private school I know, they totally rewrite the PS for students who request it! So if I am cheating, so are many others. Most unis don’t read PS’ anyway I am told

If you are happy to encourage and raise a cheat, go for it.

Plenty of people steal
Plenty of people commit fraud
Plenty of people work their privilege to the detriment of others that don’t have it

Doesn’t mean as a parent you should encourage it for your son.

Original poster
Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:20

bguthb90 · 07/03/2023 15:15

Unless he's really, really laid back or lazy, it sounds like you're sucking out any enjoyment he may have got from doing any independent research himself.

He is really really laid back and would have done the most cursory research (and not enjoyed doing it at all) and ended up wasting some UCAS choices (as do many students on The Student Room if you follow their threads).

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:24

TallulahBetty · 07/03/2023 15:17

Does he REALLY want to go?

He wants to go. But not REALLY wants. But that is the case with most of his friends too - they want to go but are not necessarily in love with the idea of studying and view it as a means to an end (better job prospects) and enjoyable in itself.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 07/03/2023 15:24

Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:17

Yes I probably went too far writing the PS. However, I know many teenagers do use PS writing services - they are readily available where you fill in a questionnaire and the writer then drafts a PS from it. Also, at a private school I know, they totally rewrite the PS for students who request it! So if I am cheating, so are many others. Most unis don’t read PS’ anyway I am told

Students may get help with their PS, but unless the first draft comes entirely from them, it is plagiarism, and if a uni thinks this has happened, they will be turned down.

And University admission tutors have plenty of practice reading what has been written by 17 year olds.

Singleandproud · 07/03/2023 15:26

You need to take a massive step back. Your job is to be a sounding board, to transport to Open days and cough up for saucepans etc if necessary.

If he doesn't do enough research and makes a poor choice then that is an expensive mistake he'll learn from and he'll have to organise a transfer to a more suitable place for his second year.

ProfYaffle · 07/03/2023 15:27

"I think you've done him a disservice. This is the first big decision your child has had to make and you've done all the work for him"

Agree with this. Uni's about independent study, if they can't do the research themselves are they even ready to go? I'm genuinely staggered at prepping a document and writing his statement. Not only did that not even occur to me but my dd would've beat me off with a stick, it was all very much her decision and her research.

pornyshroudofturin · 07/03/2023 15:28

"He is really really laid back and would have done the most cursory research (and not enjoyed doing it at all) and ended up wasting some UCAS choices (as do many students on The Student Room if you follow their threads)."

Surely that's all part of the learning- don't do the work, make daft choices and you might not get the best outcome. And that sometimes you have to do things you don't enjoy doing at all to get where you want to go.

Am now starting to understand why some of the graduates we get arriving at work are so flipping hopeless and entitled.

conphlicted · 07/03/2023 15:29

He is really really laid back and would have done the most cursory research (and not enjoyed doing it at all) and ended up wasting some UCAS choices (as do many students on The Student Room if you follow their threads).

That's on him.

hotcrosseverything · 07/03/2023 15:29

No it most certainly isn't normal and I suspect you are the reason why he is so lazy. You are doing him no favours and unless you are going to stow away in his suitcase when he goes to uni, you really are setting him up to fail spectacularly.

OrlandointheWilderness · 07/03/2023 15:30

Well he isn't exactly earning his spot at uni is he. You could get him in, but it may be at the expense of another student who didn't have mummy write their PS or do all the work. Not particularly fair IMO.

What course is he applying for?

DahliaMacNamara · 07/03/2023 15:31

It's not my idea of normal, no. My DC were 100% in the driving seat where their university applications were concerned. I wasn't even a passenger in the car. I was allowed to be the odd passer-by they asked for directions. I certainly wasn't allowed a glimpse at their PS.
From threads here, I gather that that's not every parent's idea of normal either.

MMBaranova · 07/03/2023 15:32

>Most unis don’t read PS’ anyway I am told

I know two academics who deal with admissions on very different courses at two different universities. They have completely different approaches to it. One doesn't give it the time of day and the other says it can be a tiebreaker and/or something that helps with finding a good mix of prospective students.

Whatever you do OP I suggest you support your child in getting working effectively to make the grade(s) and genuinely engaging with the search process.

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