I’ve done the research, drafted the PS - is this normal?

[Weddedtomywashingmachine]

DS in year 12 asked me to help him research universities to apply to as his school was nagging at him to get the ball rolling. He knows what he wants to study and as it is quite niche, that narrowed it down.

I got obsessed with rather into it and have now spent many, many, many hours sifting through unis and drilling down into modules. I’ve given him a VERY detailed paper setting out the pros and cons of each course, of each uni that offers it, accommodation options and costs, travel time, graduate prospects, student satisfaction ratings and the like. I’ve also done a first draft of his personal statement and booked open days for us to go to. DS is very grateful and is looking over the paper over the course of the next few weeks.

When I mentioned this to a friend, she was horrified and said she just left her DS to it. Another friend thinks it’s wonderful and has asked me to help her DD.

Did I do the right thing? Uni is expensive and I want my DS to have the info he needs to make the right choice for him. I emphasise that where he applies to will be up to him but at least he has all the info he needs now without having to ferret around in the interstices of uni websites.

I left my DC to get on with it

lots of kids get turned down by universities because their PS dont read like they have come from 17 year olds

Kids shouldn’t feel lucky to have parents that ‘help them at all’. All children deserve parents that are interested and supportive in their education and life in general.

Lets not set a bar so low just because some parents like yours (and mine) fail their children, show no interest in them and tell them to fuck off.

I would help my child reach a final decision as in go with what they have found themselves if thrashed for help

Your child is going to uni not you so they need to research and be happy with what they are finding

You were sneering at the pp saying that reminding their kids of deadlines and proofreading, going to open days etc was normal. It is normal. It is what normal parents do if their child wants it.

My children know there are many children less fortunate than them, they appreciate our help and know they have a good life with parents who love them and are interested in their education and lives. They know not everyone gets that, they know I didn’t get that for a start.

That’s different to what you were implying, like kids should be grateful for any help and a basic levels of care just because others get treated badly. Kids should be able to take it for granted that their parents actually care imo. The fact that some kids can’t isn’t just them being unlucky, it’s that their parents are horrible people.

My parents were the worst, I have no contact with them now. No, I don’t think I’m unlucky. To me that implies there was no other possible outcome. I think they’re cunts who chose to neglect and abuse their children.

Sorry you had crap parents too, don’t mean to pick at you. For me, I feel like saying I’m unlucky minimises what they actively chose to treat me like. I do understand others may feel different and I know I’m a bit sensitive on this subject. Apologies.

Yeah, I get what you’re saying, I just choose to not think its down to luck so I don’t think I’m unlucky, different ways of wording it and thinking about it I guess.

Anyway, hope you’re doing ok now and again, sorry for jumping on your comment, I shouldn’t have. 💐

That seems a step too far. I also did an awful lot, and really really enjoyed it. But it was led by ds1. And then I did my bit.

He asked me to read his PS, and my mum loved checking the grammar, and my Dh's team of 6 reviewed it as a laugh - a team task with a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea. But his was good to start with and we all gave very minor feedback.

I helped him organise all his applications to the top Accountancy firms for his linked degree. Their selection was ruthless and Uber competitive and he had 4 running simultaneously, so I supported him. But when I heard him being interviewed and putting forward a business case I was truely shocked because he was seriously impressive.

I did most of the uni open days bookings of hotels etc when we went to the mammoth drive up to Durham, and then to see Nottingham. He loved both uni sites. Based on my most loveliest mn thread ever, they recommended a very cheap catered uni halls, a corking deal unbeknown to many. Which he took, best mn suggestion ever! I did all of this, I probably did too much. But I enjoyed it all. Now he's there, I barely hear from him, he only phones every 2 weeks, so I don't feel so bad about my short over-invested period!

I think he's going to struggle at uni if he isn't able to do that kind of research himself independently. By all means help give a steer about potential Sources of information but you need to be handing over responsibility and letting him take the driving seat.

This is not true.

Looking into some universities I get....I had a look online at a few that my daughter had mentioned but that's as far as it went ...
I certainly DID NOT do her personal statement ...that's a step too far....way too far !!!
It was up to her
If she asked for my opinion or thoughts etc..then I looked into what it was she was asking...accommodation for example
We did go to uni open days together ..she asked us to and we enjoyed the experience of exploring .
After that ..her choice ..her effort got her her first choice !!!

I agree

I didn't even see ds"s PS or application and I'm pretty hands on. Can't believe someone would basically take the whole process over on behalf of their child. Besides it's ages until even the early applications have to be in (Oct)

Apologies. THIS is not true.

Sorry. I missed a quote out 😅

All the people literally not being able to understand! Perhaps you've learned that parents often do things differently!

To those criticising, the OP has done some helpful groundwork on unis for her child to shift through - it will be their decision at the end of the day. No doubt they'll have been having reseach sessions at school. It's in addition not in place of!

As for the PS. Ok writing it in full maybe a little much...maybe get them to do a first draft then hand yours for comparison and ideas. Though absolutely there are tons of help out there, thousands of PS examples online, with so many services that write it for you, and several schools that edit and rewrite. ChatGP I imagine will take over the next cohort!! Hence the change that's coming in 2024 to make a fairer playing field.

Helping with the research is fine. Taking over the task of research completely is a kind of enabling. It facilitates the kind of continuingly dependent relationship that the transition to university is meant to loosen.
Drafting the personal statement is dishonest and could be called cheating.
I hate that the whole business of going to university has been so corrupted by this kind of gaming of the system (by schools as well as parents). It is almost a kind of nepotism - not using money or contacts but allowing some young adults to benefit unfairly from relatives' stores of motivation, time, organisational skills, etc.
I can see why parents do it, and i can understand it to an extent. Of course you want the best for your child. But that doesn't cancel the downsides of it.

All the people literally not being able to understand! Perhaps you've learned that parents often do things differently!

Of course parents do things differently but each way of of doing things isn't equal or right.

Young people should be taking the lead on their university research with support from parents.

OP, that is WAY too much input from you. And at this stage of year 12 too! Has he even done any exams yet to know what results he’s likely to get or where his strengths lie?

for my DS I simply helped him start off. I suggested HOW to research, what to look for etc. made sure he knew where to get the info and the importance of looking at a variety of different sources, not just the uni websites who just want to sell their course and make it look good. And not just league tables. I suggested column headers eg whether it was a campus uni or not, entrance requirement, accommodation options and costs. Distance from home. Things to think about when looking at course contents. Etc. Then left him to it to come up with a short list and said if he wanted to discuss anything as he was doing to he could.

I also quietly did my own research based on what he said he wanted to study. But that was purely so I could be informed myself, so that when he came to me to discuss things I would have up to date knowledge of what he was talking about and could offer useful advice eg have you considered how you would do x/y/z? Etc

there is no way I would have presented him with a paper like you do, as that would be the summat of a LOT of reading, which he should be doing himself.

the personal statement School gave them advice on, DS put a draft together and asked me to read it. I made a few suggestions of tweaks, and “maybe you could mention x?”etc. some of which he agreed with and made, some of which he didn’t want to put in, explained his reason behind it and made me understand why not putting it in was a good idea. He was proud of his final draft and it really was his own work and from his heart.

he now thriving at the uni of his choice after a very stressful application process. As all of it was his choice and carefully considered, he was happy on his decisions and doing well. We’d also reassured him that sometimes you think you make the right decisions but later realise it wasn’t right after all, and that if he got to uni, gave it a good shot and decided it wasn’t for him, that would be perfectly ok and we would help him formulate a plan in that eventuality too.

there is such a thing as helping TOO much. You are stifling his development rather than helping him through the process.

This could have been a really good first step to independently researching himself, as he would have to at uni.

While you were being helpful, you really should have left him to do this work himself, unless you are also planning on doing his uni work for him.

Too much involvement from you IMO. Your DS will need to stand on his own two feet at university, these steps he should be taking prepare him for that.

The PS draft writing is particularly concerning. Both my dses did it at school and received a lot of guidance from the school but they wrote their own.