I’ve done the research, drafted the PS - is this normal?

[Weddedtomywashingmachine]

DS in year 12 asked me to help him research universities to apply to as his school was nagging at him to get the ball rolling. He knows what he wants to study and as it is quite niche, that narrowed it down.

I got obsessed with rather into it and have now spent many, many, many hours sifting through unis and drilling down into modules. I’ve given him a VERY detailed paper setting out the pros and cons of each course, of each uni that offers it, accommodation options and costs, travel time, graduate prospects, student satisfaction ratings and the like. I’ve also done a first draft of his personal statement and booked open days for us to go to. DS is very grateful and is looking over the paper over the course of the next few weeks.

When I mentioned this to a friend, she was horrified and said she just left her DS to it. Another friend thinks it’s wonderful and has asked me to help her DD.

Did I do the right thing? Uni is expensive and I want my DS to have the info he needs to make the right choice for him. I emphasise that where he applies to will be up to him but at least he has all the info he needs now without having to ferret around in the interstices of uni websites.

I have ADHD. I got a bit like you OP with my DS who was overwhelmed (also ND) by the choices and information overload. I sat with him and asked him questions and physically typed his PS awhile he spoke the answers. He got a 2:1 from a RG uni in the end. It was just far far too
Much for him at 17. My DD - well she wrote her own, read it to me - I made a couple of observations and that was it.

I think it's the acting as his PA thing that startles me most - that and the rather shocking writing his PS for him. The message you're giving him, OP, is either that he's not competent to do these things by himself (and then by all means talk the results over with you) or that he's too important to bother his head with them. Neither of those set him up for success.

Mine was applying for Art courses.I helped a lot with applications and some research essays but never with the actual art stuff. He has never, ever had to write personal statements or essays on the Italian Futurists again, so I have no remorse. Actually, I enjoyed it, and his lecturers said it was refreshing not to have to read stuff downloaded from the net...

I knew you'd be slated on here OP, by all the perfect parents with the perfect kids who did it all themselves, in between their part time job and cooking the Sunday roast.

My DS is, like many teenage boys, bright but lazy. He needs a shove to do things. I could sit back and let nature take its course. He'd probably under achieve, apply to universities that might not be exactly what he wants, and submit a mediocre personal statement, which may lead to no offers.

Or I could help him out a bit, which is what I did.

We talked about what course he wanted to do, what sort of university he wanted to go to, and I ploughed through the reviews, courses and league tables. After all, I've been to university and he hasn't, so I know more about it than him.

He wrote his PS and then I edited it. I added bits he'd missed out and smartened up the wording a bit. He got offers from all his applications.

He's in year 13, the youngest in the year (late August), not especially mature, not very worldly. Why wouldn't I help him out? He's my son, I want the best for him.

Now it's time to study and I can't help him with that. Nor did I help him with his coursework as he's doing subjects I know nothing about. But if I can help him in life, I will. I wouldn't stand back and watch him fail.

I helped one of my children with their personal statement. Not uni research, they knew exactly where they wanted to go and had done their own first draft of a statement, but reading it, it became apparent that they had no idea how a personal statement should read.

So I wrote one, tailored as though my child had written it but more as an example. In fairness, they then altered it as they wished and sent it off....it gained them an interview. Job done!

DD went for an interview for college/ 6th form and was amazed by how many had parents in attendance with them and how overbearing they were. They were sitting in their eye line while they were being interviewed telling them what to say, making signs to smile, sit up straight and giving the thumbs up. I guess the same people will write their PS and follow them to uni to sign up for clubs.

Ultimately OP, you know your child best. Not all teens are the same.

DS1 is very cautious and unsure of the unknown. As per my previous post I got very involved in his application.

DS2 is only 13 but I imagine he will insist on no input from me at all. He likes to be independent.

I was ferociously independent as a teen. My Mum barely knew what subject I was applying for, never mind getting involved in my application and university choices.

Do what is right for your family and your children. There's nothing wrong with knowing what's best for your own child. Ignore the preaching from others on here.

I really think dc need to own Uni from the off and just because on paper a uni looks best they need to want to go there and do that course.

There’s helping and there’s helping.

My DD was the only one in her GCSE art class to have produced the portfolio on her own. Everyone she knew had parents and siblings put pieces they had done in there.

She may have ended up with the same grade as the cheaters but she knows she didn’t cheat. She knows she got the grade on her own merits. And as a parent I didn’t condone cheating which if, along with cooking the Sunday roast, makes me perfect then I’ll take that tbh.

Life isn’t all about results, and parenting isn’t all about sharp elbowing your way to get the “best” for your kids.

@RRRException My DD is now at art school... probably because I didn't put anything in her portfolios! 😀

How did you have time to do all of this OP? Do you have a job?

Good for her @PhotoDad !

It put my DD right off art, sadly.

Aw come on OP, you asked, you got some honest opinions. don't get churlish about it.

I don't think what you did is 'wrong' exactly, but it's not what most of us could find sustainable. My kids are happier with their decisions when they are fruit of their own labours. I'm glad your DS is pleased with your efforts, doesn't feel controlled ,and that he can make so much info useful.

I’ve read A LOT of personal statements.

You can tell

He has at least 6 months until his PS needs to go anywhere. You have said yourself that his school doesn't provide much support, but they must be if they are encouraging your DS to start work on his PS already. Many sixth firms are still scrabbling around with drafts before Christmas.

A lot can change in 6 months and I doubt if the PS you have drafted will still be relevant by then. Step away and let him get on with it from now on of you risk him making an expensive mistake.

Lots of kids get varying degrees of help OP, you have just been brave enough to admit and post about it.

Ds's school offered absolutely no help with uni applications. I knew this well in advance from talking to other parents, one or two who missed deadlines to apply as school left them to it entirely. So I did help ds more than other parents might have to fill the gap the school didnt provide.

My main contributions were, the year before I ordered him a hard copy prospectus from 3 of the main Scottish unis; I pointed him in the direction of UCAS site, TSR and SAAS for finance. Explained what a PS was (I didnt go to uni so had no experience), we made some bullet points of things he could include or could do over the next year to add to his statement. He has a wall calendar (footie team one for the pictures!) in his bedroom so got him to put some key dates on there and reminded him all his research would be happening together with exam revision so not to leave too late.

I tried to encourage without taking over during the year and think that benefitted him as going through the process himself it made him really think about it in more detail and he actually changed his course (civil to mechanical engineering). He could articulate why and was confident in his choice of course and uni he wanted to go to.

OP, nothing wrong with helping, guiding and enabling but if you have done all the leg work you might have taken away the opportunity that journey of learning, exploring and considering the finer points as you go along. If he isnt applying until next year I'd rip the lot up and let him get more involved himself.

Writing the PS for your child is at the extreme end of ‘helping’. I really don’t think there are many parents that would do that or college age kids wanting them to.

My son did it himself with help from his college tutors and coaches. The college had Unis come in to help too. We did discuss it with him and read the final version. If he had needed/wanted more help from us, we’d have done more, but handing him a first draft of a PS and providing a detailed paper on Uni courses, absolutely not. I don’t believe many kids have that sort of help.

My thinking would be that learning at university is very research based. Your son either can't be bothered doing his own research or he struggles with it. Really you need to consider if University is right for him surely?

Absolutely classic response.

Loads of us who have kids of Uni applying ages ferry them to open days, proofread personal statements, suggest things in a "have you thought of looking at" way and remind them of deadlines.

But that's a fairly normal level of assistance/support - putting together a whole portfolio analysing the pros and cons of courses and drafting a personal statement is way beyond that.

Our school doesn't start talking about UCAS applications until they go back to school in August/September.

Way too much. If he's not that bothered, then he doesn't go to university and has to get a job instead. But the whole point of university is to learn independence, so you're really not helping him. Stop now.