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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

I’ve done the research, drafted the PS - is this normal?

332 replies

Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 14:57

DS in year 12 asked me to help him research universities to apply to as his school was nagging at him to get the ball rolling. He knows what he wants to study and as it is quite niche, that narrowed it down.

I got obsessed with rather into it and have now spent many, many, many hours sifting through unis and drilling down into modules. I’ve given him a VERY detailed paper setting out the pros and cons of each course, of each uni that offers it, accommodation options and costs, travel time, graduate prospects, student satisfaction ratings and the like. I’ve also done a first draft of his personal statement and booked open days for us to go to. DS is very grateful and is looking over the paper over the course of the next few weeks.

When I mentioned this to a friend, she was horrified and said she just left her DS to it. Another friend thinks it’s wonderful and has asked me to help her DD.

Did I do the right thing? Uni is expensive and I want my DS to have the info he needs to make the right choice for him. I emphasise that where he applies to will be up to him but at least he has all the info he needs now without having to ferret around in the interstices of uni websites.

OP posts:
VioletaDelValle · 07/03/2023 15:32

You are far, far too involved!!

Time to step back or are you going to live with him in halls too?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/03/2023 15:32

Personally, I think you have done your ds an immense disservice, although I recognise that you were obviously trying to be helpful.

Kids at this age should be learning to be independent and doing their own research about this stuff. It is totally normal to help them, and lots of parents probably do, but it's not helpful to completely take over in this way.

The point of a personal statement is that it is supposed to be personal. Lots of universities don't bother reading them in any case.

I think you've overstepped the mark here, OP. Your ds needs to learn to take responsibility for this stuff himself.

Btjdkfnn · 07/03/2023 15:33

I’m in 2 minds about it. Ok you have made the process efficient and have chosen suitable universities. He is lucky.

However, just make sure that he is not going to turn into a man-baby. Imagine someone ending up living with him either as a housemate or a partner and he sits on his bum expecting a fairy to clean up or sort his admin.

breadnmilk · 07/03/2023 15:34

Horses for courses OP. I helped my DS a bit, but nowhere near as much as you. I had to be strategic about it because he definitely wanted to be independent, but was also a little bit lost at sea. A little bit of a steer here and there worked out ok. He would only let me see his PS after it had been reviewed by his school and he was happy with it (and he only accepted some of my edit suggestions, not all). I did his accommodation application because it had to be submitted just a couple of days before his first A level exam, and it was fiendishly complicated to wade through all the options and state preferences. Thankfully he was pleased with the hall allocation when he got it!

Original poster
Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:35

@Btjdkfnn no danger of him being a man baby thank goodness. Been doing all his own washing and ironing for last two years, cleans his own bedroom and bathroom, is expected to cook for the family once a week

OP posts:
titchy · 07/03/2023 15:36

Gosh.

OP if a friend or colleague recommended a book to you, and another friend or colleague then presented you with a précis of the book, would you be grateful you no longer had the book to read, or pissed off that the opportunity to make your own mind up about it, possibly leading you to read other enjoyable books by the same author, had been removed?

A very large part of the point about trawling through uni websites is that the applicants get a feel for where they'll be studying. It's not necessarily something tangible like X uni has modules in Y but not Z, but a 'does this place look like somewhere I'll fit in'. And you've removed that. I'm sure you've got your own opinions about the various unis - but you're not the one going.

Your kid is now far more likely to end up somewhere he doesn't really like and drop out as a result.

breadnmilk · 07/03/2023 15:36

... but my DS was at a grammar school that was very pro-active in guiding them through the process. If he had had less help from school I may have done more to help.

LividNC · 07/03/2023 15:36

This is terrifying.

I mean, my mum knew which city I moved to in 1998, because she drove me there with all my stuff, but that was the sum total of her involvement.

Surely there's a middle ground, where you can offer advice and be a sounding board, without actually DOING THE WORK FOR HIM?

What merry hell is going to happen when he hasn't done his course work, or bothered opening a book? You need to step back.

ScentOfAMemory · 07/03/2023 15:37

Definitely not normal, or advisable.

I spend more parents' evening hours than I'd like telling parents that the student needs to decide. That the student needs to find the course they want at the university they want.

But I don't think any of my parents have ever gone quite this far.

My daughter started university last September and did everything on her own. A) because I would never have had the time B) see above. Her life. Her choices.

horseymum · 07/03/2023 15:38

Good grief, does your child do anything for themselves? My son had to look at courses, book onto open days etc. We took him to one, he went to another couple himself. We reviewed his statement with him, that was it. It doesn't sound like your child is ready to think about uni yet, maybe you need to encourage some independence first. Do you still put his clean clothes away for him because bit sounds very like a friend who was still doing this for her 30 year old son who is very entitled. I think you may need to step back. All the information is out there if he wants it. Sifting information and making decisions are key skills for uni so he could start learning that now. He might not even want to go, that's not a disaster either.

titchy · 07/03/2023 15:38

TL:DR If they're not invested in the process, they drop out.

pinkyredrose · 07/03/2023 15:38

Are you going to take his exam's for him too?

VioletaDelValle · 07/03/2023 15:40

I emphasise that where he applies to will be up to him but at least he has all the info he needs now without having to ferret around in the interstices of uni websites.

But this bit is important....a sense of belonging is a key part of the university decision process and no amount of data or checklists will replace that.

BHRK · 07/03/2023 15:41

Yanbu. As somebody who didn’t have a clue which uni to apply to I would have LOVED some input from my parents.
i doubt very much I wouldn’t have been able to write an essay or live a life as an adult as a result, as some posters are suggesting

pornyshroudofturin · 07/03/2023 15:43

Genuine question OP- why did you feel you needed to spoon feed him to this degree, and what would have been the harm in him having to do something he didn't enjoy, ie all the research?

Btjdkfnn · 07/03/2023 15:43

Weddedtomywashingmachine · 07/03/2023 15:35

@Btjdkfnn no danger of him being a man baby thank goodness. Been doing all his own washing and ironing for last two years, cleans his own bedroom and bathroom, is expected to cook for the family once a week

Well then all is good Smile

pornyshroudofturin · 07/03/2023 15:43

BHRK · 07/03/2023 15:41

Yanbu. As somebody who didn’t have a clue which uni to apply to I would have LOVED some input from my parents.
i doubt very much I wouldn’t have been able to write an essay or live a life as an adult as a result, as some posters are suggesting

There's a world of difference between "some input" and what OP is doing.

Dotcheck · 07/03/2023 15:45

This is an awful thing you have done.
First- people who read a lot of personal statements can spit a ‘parent’s voice’ a mile away.

Second- decision making is like a muscle , it has to be used to build strength. You’ve taken this away from him. Do you think he will thank you if he has a poor experience.

Finally, I await your post when he’s at uni and you’re complaining that your child isn’t getting enough support ( translation- he is unable to stand on his own two feet and he topples over)

Btjdkfnn · 07/03/2023 15:45

where do you start the research op?
my ds is also Y12
wants to do a maths degree

Dotcheck · 07/03/2023 15:45

*can SPOT a personal statement

Dotcheck · 07/03/2023 15:46

Btjdkfnn · 07/03/2023 15:45

where do you start the research op?
my ds is also Y12
wants to do a maths degree

UCAS- but ffs let your child do this!!!!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 07/03/2023 15:46

BHRK · 07/03/2023 15:41

Yanbu. As somebody who didn’t have a clue which uni to apply to I would have LOVED some input from my parents.
i doubt very much I wouldn’t have been able to write an essay or live a life as an adult as a result, as some posters are suggesting

Input is fine. I spent plenty of time talking to my dd about the things that she might like to consider when choosing a uni, taking her to some of the open days, looking at info on the Internet with her, commenting on her personal statement etc. But she did the vast majority of the research for herself, and she was definitely driving it.

In this case, the OP appears to have done a load of research without any real involvement from the ds - and she has just presented him with her research and a draft personal statement. I can't imagine why anyone would think that is an appropriate approach for a young person who is nearly an adult and presumably capable enough to be considering a university degree.

PeekAtYou · 07/03/2023 15:47

I sat with dd while she did the bulk of the work.

She's the only one who could say which course sounds interesting. She had me on google maps looking up how long it takes to get to different cities and whether it looked like there was any signs of a social life nearby. She could have done it herself but it's nice to have someone there and I was luckily available.

She spent much longer over the accommodation decision. There is so much info out there on places like YouTube and she wanted to get it right.

mumonthehill · 07/03/2023 15:47

Way too involved. What he wants from a course or uni will totally different from you. We supported ds, gave him our take on his choices, took him to open days but he did the work. He needs to step up

RRRException · 07/03/2023 15:48

Navigating all the courses is quite a feat, even when looking at one uni and one subject. Throw multiple unis and multiple courses into the mix and absolutely helping them steer through them is something I have done with the elder one and will do with the younger one.

But I’m not doing it on my own. I’m sitting with them and showing them how it works for each uni and then leaving it to them. I’m maybe checking in after a few weeks and seeing where they have got to. I’m maybe having a chat about key things to consider. Have you looked at x? etc.

I am most certainly not doing the research for them.

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