Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

When our DS went to Uni, he hadn't the faintest idea nor experience of doing things for himself. He had no interest and simply wouldn't let us "teach" him anything. He wasn't bothered. He'd happily wear creased clothes if I hadn't ironed (or used clothes if I hadn't washed) or eat a bag of crisps or a pot noodle if we hadn't cooked a meal for him.

We couldn't believe how "domesticated" he was when he first returned him at end of term 1. He said he'd just "googled" how to use a washing machine, and did "trial and error" for cooking his food - yes, he ruined a few "delicate" items of clothes (one by washing too hot, one by leaving in the dryer too long and one by ironing a non-iron item!) and a lot of his first meals went into the bin, but he accepted that as the "cost" of teaching himself.

It's not rocket science.

@RampantIvy

I think @Slicedpeaches has articulated it better than I did. It's the lack of common sense or not realising that Google/YouTube has most of the answers.

I agree. I wasn't bothered about "teaching" my son about pretty simple domestic tasks as I assumed he'd just use common sense and google for the answers. (which is exactly what he did).

I realised I didn't need to stress us both out by "teaching" him such things when he googled for how to repair his xbox controller at the age of 12, which resulted in him taking it apart completely, cleaning it out, cannibalising a part from an old even more broken controller, and putting it all back together in full working order. I thought that if he could do that himself, at that age, with fiddly parts, etc., then he can teach himself how to use a washing machine or cook some basic meals.

Tbh I've always questioned people's capacity that they need to be taught...

Put soap in water and scrub dish until clean. Dry, put away.

Figure out what you want to eat and what goes into that. Write down. Go to shop and buy that.

Put clothes in machine. Put detergent in machine. Hit 30 wash. Press start.

Cooking I get I suppose but it's easy to google a recipe or watch a YouTube video.

Most chores are pretty easy to figure out if you're NT and able bodied. You just have to think about it for 10 minutes and maybe google something if you're really unsure.

I've tried to teach my teens basic life skills. They will do a wash but cooking? They would rather buy crap and sadly their dads Disney donations have enabled that. So don't mock the parents efforts because some kids really do not want to learn. I must admit that the recent airfryer purchase has seen an improvement on their cooking (aka heating things up).

There's a difference between choosing not to do housework/cooking/etc and not knowing how to do it.

One guy I was at uni didn't know how to boil an egg or heat baked beans. Most packaged food tells you what to do - remove all packaging, place on the shelf in a pre-heated oven at 180°C for 10 minutes (or whatever), and if you're at university to do a degree, you should be capable of that much reading. You might struggle to turn the oven on first time (I could not work our how to use a swish new cooker in some self-catering holiday accommodation once,) but you'd soon learn. And if you really can't cook,you could live on salad that doesn't need it.

Obviously instructions on food packaging might not help with knowledge like knowing not to put your new red t-shirt in the same washing load as the white shirts, but most people only make that mistake once. And as has already been mentioned, there's videos on how to do pretty much everything online these days.

Few Unis seem to make much effort to "match" students when allocating flats. At my son's, there was basically a choice of "quiet" or "normal", with no real definition or guidance as to what either meant. Hence the sheer number of questions on the Uni online fora asking for advice on what "quiet" really means!

My son was incredibly disappointed that none of his flat mates shared any of his (pretty normal) interests/hobbies. It was the covid year, so he couldn't go out and do clubs/societies to meet fellow students who did share his interests either. He ended up very isolated and excluded, amplified because of the lockdowns etc.

For the second year, the private accommodation block providers did a much better job by providing "drop down" lists where students ticked boxes to indicate their interests, personality types, preferences, etc., which grouped like minded people together a lot better. It took very little effort as it was all a pretty simple computer database. Not sure why more Unis can't do that, it'd be a good development job for their computer studies students surely?

There's definitely an element of learned helplessness with some, I agree. @Slicedpeaches post makes pretty depressing reading. That's basically useless males assuming that a woman needs to execute all domestic tasks. I do agree that there is genuine low expectation from some women about what their sons/grandsons are capable of. Which is utterly shit.

I have no idea whether my DS is keeping his room vaguely clean at uni, or what he's cooking and eating, but I do know that he has the basic competence to do so and also the fundamental awareness that only he is responsible for doing so. I would be mortified if he was relying on the girls in his flat to show him how to do anything!

DH and I work ft. During the school holidays I often leave chores for DC (12 and 16) to do
Laundry
Hoovering
Emptying/reloading dishwasher
And (their most hated) getting a few groceries.

It would probably be one or 2 chores per day, and they get extra pocket money/allowance over the holidays to compensate. They cook themselves pasta, jacket potatoes, pizza, beige freezer food etc for themselves. Both love roast dinners but I've tried a few times to get them involved in cooking one and they refuse! I think budgeting (essentials v fun) will be DDs biggest problem at uni!

I have two boys (well men now) and without expecting them to be cinderella, I taught them the basics and continued to have them do stuff for themselves and for the household without making it their full time job. They complained less about different things. DS1 liked keeping his room tidy, liked hoovering and quite enjoyed cooking some basics and making his own lunches at home during weekends and holidays. DS2 didn't mind ironing or doing the washing and due to his dyspraxia, he struggled a bit with cooking, even simple stuff like making sandwiches required a more delicate touch than his. However, he went away to Uni, ended up living with his girlfriend from year 2 and as she bakes but doesn't really cook, he has taken over that and progressed from heating stuff up mainly, to proper recipes, he likes to ask stuff and learn things when he is home. She is teaching him to bake and he is teaching her to cook and the rest they muddle along with together. DS1 stayed at home, he has to decide on a meal a week, add any requirements to the shopping list and make it. He could do more but I enjoy cooking myself.

I think as long as they know basic kitchen safety and how to avoid food poisoning, they'll learn as they want/need to. Laundry, cleaning and shopping is not rocket science and as long as they are not embarrassed to ask, they will figure things out.

Few Unis seem to make much effort to "match" students when allocating flats
I agree this is an issue. There was absolutely no oversight in where my DS went. He
booked online and was presented with a floorplan of the hall, clicked on a room and that was it. So he got to choose whether he wanted a single or mixed sex flat, managed to avoid having the room next to the kitchen or the stairwell and chose one with a view over an actual park rather than the carpark, all of which is very nice, but I think he would have been happy to have less choice if someone had worked it so there was at least one person also doing his course or who had similar interests in the flat.
It's a different world now I know, but when I went to University in the early 80s I not only had to fill in a fairly detailed accommodation application form, but was interviewed by the Warden of the hall I wanted to live in. I'm sure a large part of that was her wanting to check that I was the sort of young lady she considered suitable, but in those days it was not uncommon for first years to share a room in the traditional, single sex catered halls, and she personally did the pairings and room allocations for our hall after meeting us. There weren't many fallings out and a lot of people became life long friends with their room mates and neighbours.
These days, surely it would be much easier as it can't be that difficult to create matching software? Ok,nothing is infallible, and I think mixing people up a bit has benefits anyway, but a few questions on what you're studying, hobbies, lifestyle etc would hopefully prevent the situation where you get a flat dominated by, say, heavy drinking, sporty, late night party animals on courses without many contact hours, and a single quiet, geeky non drinker who wants to go to bed early as they have early lectures every day struggling to fit in. Or indeed vice versa.

My daughter's one of 2 girls in a flat of 7 in halls, it only took till week 3 for the girls to set up a rota as the boys seemed to think a magic fairy emptied bins and washed dishes!

The girls in this case were definitely more prepared for self sufficiency!

There was no matching for my DS as he had no accommodation and got his place through clearing. He was incredibly lucky to get a space in a private halls where many other private halls had waiting lists of 400+.

they are a super disparate bunch - mix of fresher Y2, Y3 and one postgrad, three nationalities, half male half female and attend three different unis, all studying different subjects and with varied interests. And they seem to be getting on really well. So I’m not sure filling in a detailed questionnaire helps much tbh. DS probs would have chosen to be with all freshers, semi party goers but allowing for some sleep etc, and not the mix he has. But would he swap now? Not sure!

Surely that’s what uni is about? Mixing with people you wouldn’t normally. I do get it for some students with social anxiety, SEN. But for NT non anxious young adults not so sure it’s helpful.

I think things are better now that we're past Covid. There's no doubt a huge number of students were severely impacted by the covid restrictions, often made worse by Unis going above and beyond the actual restrictions in force.

During the covid lockdowns and restrictions, students were often "trapped" in their Uni flats so didn't get the chance to meet other people, neither in lectures etc nor the usual clubs and societies nor bars and clubs either. Even though the most severe lockdowns/restrictions were of limited duration, in some Unis, the clubs/societies didn't operate at all for nearly 2 years, Uni common rooms etc were locked throughout even during the periods of restrictions being relaxed, Lectures didn't happen for the entire academic year (many staff not even on campus for the full year).

The 19/20, 20/21 and to some extent the 21/22 cohorts have been pretty badly affected in numerous ways, so hence why a lot of recent students have experienced problems with flat mates etc. At least from now on, people with flat mates who they wouldn't necessarily get on well with have the freedom to go out and "find their tribe" meaning much less reliance on their flat mates, and back to "normal" really of just sharing the flat/kitchen etc with other people for pretty limited times, rather than living and breathing every moment of the day with them as they had to do during the covid years!

Ah, come on now. If you've got A levels you can work out how to use a washing machine. Nobody needs to be "taught" that!
Same with cooking. If you can read, you can follow a recipe.
Mind you, the state of my son's kitchen in Halls made me suggest he always ate in the canteen!

Yeh, well mine could strip an engine, insulate the loft and re-grout the bathroom. All before 3 months.

Yes absolutely was just reading this article this morning about teaser h being done into the impact of the last few years on socialisation etc.

amp.theguardian.com/society/2022/oct/03/covid-has-left-a-third-of-young-people-feeling-life-is-out-of-control-study

*research

But in your son's case chance does appear to have produced a good mix of people aesopstables, some of whom are a bit older, more used to living independently and probably quite useful to be around! That is exactly the sort of thing that I would think a good matching system should achieve. Matching doesn't necessarily mean putting people into silos with others all like them. The problem arises when you get a dominant type of person in a flat or on a corridor with just one or two who don't fit in. And that definitely does happen and can make for a very miserable experiencefor the "outsiders". Some degree of oversight would hopefully minimise the chances of that.

My DS loves eating and nutrition and therefore cooks well. He was a lot less interested in operating a washing machine.
He figured it out at uni, along with some other skills he lacked, all while enjoying himself and earning a degree.

I always joked that he is studying to build bridges but can't change a toilet roll - it's in jest though.

YouTube is a great tool for them, as are their housemates as they muddle along together.

Raising hardworking organised students who got good A-level results, who are nice people who make good friends is also an achievement, even if they don't always separate their whites and darks.

Get some perspective.

Yes I get that. Although I don’t think any unis usually mix freshers with older students or indeed different unis together. Maybe they should - maybe it would prevent the dominant thing happening.

This is how it went in our house before ds went to Uni -' Jack do you want to come and watch me make spaghetti Bolognese so you can make it when you leave soon ?' ' no mum it's not hard sure I can figure it out ' me - ' ok' . End of conversation and no cooking lessons given . He ended up trying lots of different recipes and makes a great Chinese fakeaway.

I agree with you OP. I remember one of the girls I lived with in halls not knowing how to boil water... I went to uni less than 15 years ago so not ages ago. I can't imagine my mum letting me or me siblings not help out and sort out our own things. Moving out can be so challenging when you're young and I think it's so much less daunting if your parents have taught you some level of cooking/looking after your surroundings and yourself. And I know very few people who are willing to house share with someone who acts like slobs and don't contribute

Sorry if it was annoying. It wasn't meant to be. There's nothing special about me or DD2. DD1 does not do those things and is already reluctant. It wasn't meant to bea boast. The difference was just that I read that book and changed my approach with DD2. I found it useful and thought others might too. I think it was someone on Mumsnet recommended the book to me. I try to pass these things on!

She didn't know how to boil water?
Could she get herself dressed ok?

Yep. Same with mine. No lessons given. They figured it all out. Don't sweat it