Students unprepared for university

[RampantIvy]

I have read such a lot of posts recently on the WIWIKAU Facebook page from parents who are proud of their DC's (usually son's) poor efforts at shopping and cooking and generally looking after themselves.

Why on earth aren't they teaching their DC to cook, go grocery shopping, use a washing machine, wash up and other life skills before they go to university?

@Karamna

Glad to hear it. I thought about PMing but it might make someone else think. I have a tabletop dishwasher and no children in the house but I still do the 'blades down' routine.

What gets me on WIWIKAU is how many young people are feeling ill at ease and suffering during these first few weeks and being treated badly by their new flatmates.
Theres "resilience" and then there's exclusion and overt or covert bullying going on.
We see it in school, but in school, the kid has a support network (hopefully both at home and in school). Three months later their parents are posting on WIWIKAU about how to help their kids get through what's probably the first time in their lives they've had to deal with unpleasantness without that network.

I agree @PAFMO.

There have been several posts where the student has been housed with some pretty toxic flatmates. IMO universities should do more to try and match people with similar interests.

I really feel for those whose DC are struggling. I sometimes think that university is sold as the default option these days, and too many young peopl go when they just aren't ready.

This is awful.

@MrsAvocet thank you for your post. I was struggling to see why my dd couldn't seem to cook herself decent meals. She had a PT job in a new city within the week and I haven't cooked for her for 2 years (her choice) but still she says she's struggling and I can see she's lost weight. But yes a new environment, routines not really established yet etc. It all makes sense.

The thing is there are families all over the country who do get teens involved. My eldest has just gone off to uni perfectly capable of putting a wash on, buying
groceries and cooking his dinner. (He doesn't iron, because he owns no clothes that need ironing, and let's face it, nobody sane should iron anything unless they have to ).

But the issue with uni is that everything is so different - they are literally on their own for the first time in their lives, doing everything, managing complicated admin that all has to be done online, using a shared student kitchen which is unfamiliar and probably a lot messier and mankier than the one they use at home. And even if they're a whizz at operating a domestic washing machine, the ones in a hall of residence can still be a challenge (circuit laundry app, anyone?) the first time they try and use them.

So yep, I'm proud that my DS is doing all that. Proud that he's coping with it all in that environment, away from home, with new people to get to know and a challenging degree course to get his head around and some fairly severe additional needs (ADHD/ASD) thrown into the mix, which makes socialising and self-organisation really hard for him. I'm proud of his efforts. So shoot me.

As an aside, though, I'd also gently point out that there is also a huge difference between getting an eager pre or primary school aged DC involved in household chores and trying to constantly fight the battle with a stressed out teen. You always get a few parents of younger DC on these threads who are delighted that their 3yo does X and their 6yo always does Y. But you can't compare young DC, who will do anything to please you, for whom the world is a wonder and who have no stress in their lives, with a teenager who has hormonal, emotional, social and educational pressures heaped on them on a daily basis. I would wager a bet that there are reluctant teens all over the country who were fantastic at doing chores when they were 7.

My post wasn't about families like yours @FlyingPandas, or students who struggle withn organisation

I was referring to students who don't realise that you have to remove the packaging from a pizza to cook it in the oven or know how to make a bed, for example - just basic common sense.

I am at uni at the moment, sharing a house with several men in their mid 20s who moved to do their masters degrees.
I wish they had come even slightly competent. Or even if they didn't know how to do something, I wish they were able to figure it out or google it by themselves.
I have spent so much time this month teaching men older than me, how to use a washing machine, and then how to hang up the clothes so they dry, how to use the oven or the hob, the hoover, how long to microwave stuff for, how to turn on the radiator, use the non electric kettle, how to turn the tap from bath to shower, get the bus timetables online, how to register for a gp write a CV etc.
I moved in at the same time as them and I could figure it out just fine. But they don't even try on their own before asking me to teach them.
I don't even mind helping out but I don't love the helpless act, if you are 26 and doing a masters degree you should be able to work out how to make mashed potatoes without calling the girl to help.

That's shitty parenting. Expecting some poor lass to do your job for you.

Agree @FlyingPandas

I think @Slicedpeaches has articulated it better than I did. It's the lack of common sense or not realising that Google/YouTube has most of the answers.

I agree about reluctant teens @FlyingPandas. I don't remember teaching DD everything about life, but I think she just picked some of it up from seeing me or DH doing things.

When she went interrailing they stayed in an airbnb for a couple of days instead of the usual hostel. The airbnb had a washing machine so they managed to get all their washing done. DD separated the clothes into lights and darks. Her BF had no idea that people did this. I'm sure I never told DD to do this, but she just knew that's how we do the washing in our house.

Or you read the washing instructions.

@Slicedpeaches

Write a handbook and sell it to them and others in the same situation.

Although I do get that if you are feeling stressed you don't think as logically as you might.

I agree with you. Cooking and washing are basic skills. It's not "fantastic parenting" that's hilarious.

Diet and nutrition are what set you up for life. Eat badly, perform badly. If your child can't cook at 18 they're going to eat badly which will lead to fatigue, depression, and failure in life.

A lot of it IME is nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with how interested the individual is in being independent and caring for themselves.

DS likes food. I like cooking so have probably shown him how to cook things as he’s grown up but I don't take credit for his culinary prowess. I give credit to the wonderful internet - TikTok, various recipe apps, Insta, YouTube etc. Bloody brilliant and he uses all the time. And did so at home for about a year before he went to uni. Because he’s motivated to make food he likes the look of and is interested in it, not because I’ve shown him how to do it because I’m some sort of amazing parent.

He hasn’t been interested in how to clean a toilet before but now he has to, he has learnt. Again, does he want a foul loo? No. So he’s driven to learn how to do something about it.

it’s about motivation. Perhaps these young adults on WIWIKAU just aren’t that bothered about eating well or clean places. Or maybe as another PP said there are underlying things that you know nothing about so judging is at best foolish.

They should be learning this much, much younger - if you leave it until the teenage years it’s an uphill battle. I remember being a student in halls in the late 80s and running a basic sewing class for clueless lads who couldn’t sew a button on. (Fee was a bottle of wine 😁) And showing various boyfriends how to iron a shirt, with the stern warning that I would only ever show them this ONCE. Nobody else I knew was able to change a plug or mend an old style fuse with fuse wire. My mum made sure I knew these things.

I was fairly clued up but still ended up ringing my gran a few times for over temperatures and cooking times, and stain removal tips. These days we have the internet and there is a YouTube video for just about every household task and repair. I wonder if a lot of it is young people just getting into a flap and not thinking through how to help themselves.

Ah see I would but then they would probably ask me to read it out to them

Publish on Amazon, they can get their alexa to read it out.

I have 3 aged 19, 17 and 14.

They can all do washing and they can all cook.
No it wasn't easy to teach them, yes they did kick against it, and at times it was easier to give up but I saw it as life skill that they needed.

My the same token, we taught them how to change sheets, clean a loo and hoover the house.

Why do parents think this is not something they should learn?

We started by doing it in school holidays. And they have always done some chores since little. Not many, just some to make them part of life in a household. Empty dishwasher, clear table etc.

DS likes food. I like cooking so have probably shown him how to cook things as he’s grown up but I don't take credit for his culinary prowess. I give credit to the wonderful internet - TikTok, various recipe apps, Insta, YouTube etc. Bloody brilliant and he uses all the time. And did so at home for about a year before he went to uni. Because he’s motivated to make food he likes the look of and is interested in it

That pretty much describes DD. I admit that I "indoctrinated" her by watching a lot of cookery shows on TV with her from when she was tiny 😁

Shortly after arriving at university for drop off DD2 was approached by a couple who asked if she would swap accommodation with the woman as they wanted to be in the same flat within halls. DD2 pretty laid back about that sort of thing so readily agreed.

Turned out that she went into a flat with a group who became lifelong friends, including two girls she shared a house with in her second and fourth years. She hardly saw anyone from the original flat in her entire first year, apparently they never left the flat (DD2 is very sociable). Sheer fluke but she got lucky.

By all accounts he wasn't a particularly good cook either.

My Dc is 6, ... He could do pancakes, banana muffins, tomato sauce for pasta and meatballs by himself

My 2 year old can now genuinely help with stacking and unstacking the dishwasher, sorting and folding washing, tidying up a room together.

Yeah well my children could change a tyre and cook a nine-course tasting menu before they were six months. You're slacking.

Er, maybe we DID teach them
from a young age, and ensured they did household tasks regularly, and despite having the skills, they choose not to do housework because there are other more interesting things going on around them instead or they simply CBA?