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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Logistics of dropping freshers off

122 replies

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2022 21:12

Help me settle a debate. I had assumed that when DS1 moves into halls on 1st October, we would just drive him down there at his halls with all his stuff (about a 4 hour drive) and we (DH and I and DS2) would stay over a night in a hotel to break up the day a bit, while DS1 got on with settling in and meeting people etc. In my head my plan was to facetime DS1 next morning to ask if he wants to meet for a quick coffee or for us to pick anything up for him before we head back home. I am fully expecting him to say that no, he is too busy, and that will be absolutely fine, and we'll drive home and that will be that.

DH, however, has this grand plan to drive down on Friday night (bearing in mind I'm in work all day. He can work from home or take leave. I can't). And stay the night in a hotel, all 4 of us. I asked him does he expect to just leave all his stuff in the car overnight. I just think it's stressful and pointless doing it that way. We would be having to eat our evening meal on the way anyway rather than in his uni city. So we'd literally be just paying for a hotel to sleep in (and risking the car getting broken into, or having to drag it all into the hotel for the night!)

He came up with that idea after I'd told him that his first idea was a bit of a non starter (to drive down on the Saturday, settle him into his room, then invite him back out for a "last family meal" together somewhere later on). He never went to uni and doesn't seem to understand the "form", so to speak, and doesn't realise that he will just be busy and needs to settle in when we've dropped him off, not letting new friends down by saying he needs to meet mummy and daddy for tea.

In my head, we will have a nice family meal at home on the Friday, head down on Saturday, and drop him off and that will be probably be that till he comes home at the end of term. I am right, aren't I?

OP posts:

Fandangoes · 04/09/2022 21:14

We plan on dropping off, helping unpack then heading back home and leaving him to it! Like you, I think it’s more important he bonds with his new flat mates

emmathedilemma · 04/09/2022 21:16

Your plan definitely sounds better!

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 21:18

We are dropping dd and her boxes off. Taking her for lunch, then supermarket shop then leaving her to it and coming home.

She will unpack the boxes herself after we go.

If I were you I would be coming back that evening tbh. I drive 4 hours to glad how and 4 hours back quite a bit, in one day though. So I am used to it

BotterMon · 04/09/2022 21:19

Drive up, drop off and drive home. You are definitely right. I wouldn't stay the night either as puts pressure on him to see you next day.

coldcoldheartt · 04/09/2022 21:19

Dropping DS off, it's a 4hr drive for us too. Helping unpack, doing a Tesco/Asda run then leaving him to it and driving home again. DH and I will share the driving if needed

catwomando · 04/09/2022 21:19

yep. your plan is spot on. he will want to say his goodbyes and get on with it.

good luck, its an emotional time for us mums !

lanthanum · 04/09/2022 21:32

I went by train; my parents had been able to deliver my trunk a few days earlier when they were in the same city for different reasons. By the time everyone else had got shot of parents, I had got everything unpacked, put the kettle on and had biscuits ready. It was great. I think drop and run is best. Do the farewell meal the night before he starts - your favourite local eatery or takeaway.

Original poster

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2022 21:38

I think we will still stay the night of drop off. Partly for selfish reasons. It's a beautiful city and it will be nice to have a mooch.

He is in catered halls so we won't need to do much of a supermarket shop, if any, although I'm thinking we may get to his room and realise we hadn't thought to bring a (insert random object here), so would offer to go off and buy that with him.

I suppose it depends on who else is there. We'd offer to take him out for lunch if we got there around then and he was on his own on his corridor. It's only a few days before lectures starts so I think it will be a case of nearly everyone arriving on that Saturday. I know in some unis there is quite a run up to first lectures starting and people often arrive at various times.

OP posts:

SkygardenTower · 04/09/2022 21:43

Similar drive here. Our plan is drive on the Saturday and drop off, minimal help unpacking then leave her to it. We go out for a mooch and dinner. Stay over night.

In the morning we are planning on taking in her out for a nice breakfast (she isn’t a party lover so can’t see her going out the Saturday night but will check she is still happy). Then pop to the supermarket to get her set up.

WhackingPhoenix · 04/09/2022 21:48

When I went to uni, my parents brought everything I couldn’t fit in my car, helped me get it into my student house, took me to the supermarket and then left me to it. I was in the flat next door within the hour, bottle of wine in hand ready to start my new chapter!

Decorhate · 04/09/2022 21:50

My plan was to drive up on the Saturday, unload the car, Ds could either come to dinner with us or do something with his new flatmates. We stay in a hotel & drive back the next day. (It’s too far to do there & back in one day).

Ds has however booked his moving in slot for Sunday morning. Not sure if that was all that was left. So he will have to stay with us in the hotel on Saturday night & hope the car doesn’t get broken into…

Original poster

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2022 21:56

Decorhate · 04/09/2022 21:50

at least he told you he HAS a moving in slot. DS said he doesn't have one and will find out soon. In the next breath he said he had to fill a form out about when he moves in (but didn't tell me the details).. Helpful. 😆

OP posts:

Soontobe60 · 04/09/2022 22:02

My DDs were both in the drop me off and bugger off camp - DD2 had a set drop off time and we weren’t allowed onto the halls scar park until then! We had 30 minutes before they turfed us off the car park. She was more than happy for us to do a supermarket run though 😂

Decorhate · 04/09/2022 22:04

@CurlyhairedAssassin I need to double check that tbh. He has form for saying he has done something (to stop me nagging!) when he hasn’t got around to it yet.

Sandwichmytoes · 04/09/2022 22:06

Your way is infinitely better. Some people do stay over the night before but usually to break up a 6 hour car journey. Some drive all the way to the uni town some stay half or 3/4 of the way. There are videos of people doing this on YouTube for moving in. Some then stay overnight after drop off too so they can return home the following day. I wouldn't want to leave all Ds's stuff in the car overnight if I could help it.

Ds actually wanted our help unpacking so it wasn't all down to him and overwhelming. He was happy to do certain things but the bulk of it we did with him.

lljkk · 04/09/2022 22:06

Why do I misunderstand OP's plan? Sounds like she wants a night in hotel with her, her DH & her other DS either way. It's just a matter of whether the hotel stay is before or after she says good bye to her DS, and whether her big DS is welcome at hotel. She'll mooch around in same city where her big DS is, but without her Uni DS for half a day, which would make me feel rather unloved frankly if I were the Uni DS. "They can't wait to get rid of me." vibes.

But other posters are writing as though only OP's DH plans for a hotel night,

I like OP's DH's plan better than OP's plan, but there's something I don't understand.

anyway, my plan to drop DS off at Uni is:
Drive 3-3.5 hours to stay with friend at X.

Dinner with friend, spend night at friend's, breakfast there.
Drop DS at 8:30-10am.
I have to drive an hour to another city to attend a work meeting that starts 12 noon.
Finish work meeting ~4pm, back to park n ride / train station on edge of city.
Drive 4 hours home.

it's a very long day, no matter what I do.

Positivelypatient · 04/09/2022 22:07

DD has a Sunday pm moving slot and its a 4hr drive so drive up Sun morning, drop her and boxes in to halls, help unpack a bit then take to supermarket, for tea then stay in hotel overnight. Mon morning check she's ok and then leave her to it and drive back.

Pretty much the same as other DDs. Seems to work quite well.

Gherkingreen · 04/09/2022 22:18

We're a 2 hour drive away so will take DS for his allocated arrival slot, unpack the car, he's asked if we can take him to do a quick food shop, then we're leaving him to it to settle in and (probably not) unpack and driving home as younger DC will be home with Ddog.
Anyone else wondering how this time came around so fast after results day?! Had in my head it was months away ...

doyouwanticewiththat · 04/09/2022 23:47

@Gherkingreen totally agree, all happens so quickly ...our plan is drive ( 1.5 hours) , we have an allocated 2 hour time slot to get everything out and in , but one of busiest areas in city so god only knows what that's going to be like ..then probably help unpack a bit, food shop and dinner out then leave DD to it ..sobbing all way home.
hoping for not too late a night as working the next day !

HarrietSchulenberg · 05/09/2022 00:15

Last year I dropped DS off in our allocated timeslot with the intention of taking him for lunch afterwards. He was clearly not up for it (turned monosyllabic, which means, "Bog off" from him), so we left him and went to the pub on our own.
All felt a bit rushed and not what I'd anticipated at all.
He messaged later on to say his flat had all gone out together and they were having a great time.
Your plan is much better than your DH's, which is plain weird. Why not ask your DS what he wants to do and go with that?

BarnacleNora · 05/09/2022 00:42

Your plan is definitely better. The first night in halls is a big deal. My halls were catered and we had beer and pizza the first night and were introduced to our Fresher reps (2nd year students who'd lived in the halls the previous year and who were going to be 'guiding' us through all of freshers week eg selling tickets to all the events, handing out the very important wristbands to get us into all the club nights etc etc). No way would anyone have wanted to have missed that first night for a final family meal at a hotel! You're meeting all the people in your block/flat, chatting and taking numbers of people you'll probably never speak to again and generally settling in and getting to grips with all the information for the upcoming week!

In all honesty I probably wouldn't even stay in a hotel that night (my parents didn't) but I appreciate the practicality of staying to make sure there's nothing else needing to be picked up etc. Just as long as you make sure to be very clear that there's no pressure to meet up the next day because he almost certainly won't want to (and tbf it sounds like you won't mind! Your DH might need working on in that regard though!)

I was in halls in 2008 btw so I'm not exactly daisy fresh out of uni but can still remember what it was like with fairly relatively recent experience!

MrsAvocet · 05/09/2022 01:03

My parents took me, helped me carry my stuff up to my room and left, but I was at a University within an hour's drive of home so it was easy. I remember feeling pretty miserable as they drove away, but within a couple of hours I'd met everyone on my corridor and was of having fun.
DD went about 5 hours away from home. She had her own car but had never driven that far alone and couldn't fit all her stuff in her little car anyway, so I sat in with her and DH drove his car with most of her stuff in. We stayed overnight on the Saturday at a hotel in the countryside not too far away, had lunch out then dropped her off in the afternoon. I helped with a bit of unpacking but then we were off fairly sharpish, not least because we had work the next day and didn't want to be out too late. I was a bit shocked to discover that some of the other girls in DD's flat had parents who were staying around not only overnight but for several days. I then felt a bit bad about our drop and run tactics but DD was perfectly happy and said the girls whose parents hung around felt awkward and took longer to gel with the others.
DS1 is going a similar distance so we'll probably do much the same. I think there and back in one day is too much driving so we will stay somewhere the night before, but we'll need to be home for work/DS2's school on Monday so will need to hit the road fairly soon after we have dropped DS1 off. I won't like it and I don't think he will either as he's very quiet and shy, not at all like his siblings, but I think it's the best approach. Nobody is going to get to know their flat mates with Mum and Dad hovering around.

workedwell · 05/09/2022 01:13

With a 4 hour drive you definitely need at least one night in a hotel. I agree driving straight there and unloading into his room is best. You then play it by ear on whether he comes out with you in the evening or whether he stays in/out with new flatmates. They may not arrive on the same day and he could be lonely. The next day before your 4 hour drive home , you touch base with your son again/help with anything else if he needs it, then say your final goodbyes.

bathsh3ba · 05/09/2022 06:47

I think you need to be careful you are not giving your DH 'I know best because I went to uni and you didnt' vibes because I detected a bit of that in your post. Maybe the drop off is harder for him because it's newer to him?

Anyway, I would ask your DS what he wants you to do and do it.

notdaddycool · 05/09/2022 06:51

Your plan but switch face time to message. If he’s found a grip he can discreetly reply with you interrupting.

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