Logistics of dropping freshers off

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

Help me settle a debate. I had assumed that when DS1 moves into halls on 1st October, we would just drive him down there at his halls with all his stuff (about a 4 hour drive) and we (DH and I and DS2) would stay over a night in a hotel to break up the day a bit, while DS1 got on with settling in and meeting people etc. In my head my plan was to facetime DS1 next morning to ask if he wants to meet for a quick coffee or for us to pick anything up for him before we head back home. I am fully expecting him to say that no, he is too busy, and that will be absolutely fine, and we'll drive home and that will be that.

DH, however, has this grand plan to drive down on Friday night (bearing in mind I'm in work all day. He can work from home or take leave. I can't). And stay the night in a hotel, all 4 of us. I asked him does he expect to just leave all his stuff in the car overnight. I just think it's stressful and pointless doing it that way. We would be having to eat our evening meal on the way anyway rather than in his uni city. So we'd literally be just paying for a hotel to sleep in (and risking the car getting broken into, or having to drag it all into the hotel for the night!)

He came up with that idea after I'd told him that his first idea was a bit of a non starter (to drive down on the Saturday, settle him into his room, then invite him back out for a "last family meal" together somewhere later on). He never went to uni and doesn't seem to understand the "form", so to speak, and doesn't realise that he will just be busy and needs to settle in when we've dropped him off, not letting new friends down by saying he needs to meet mummy and daddy for tea.

In my head, we will have a nice family meal at home on the Friday, head down on Saturday, and drop him off and that will be probably be that till he comes home at the end of term. I am right, aren't I?

DH has absolutely no interest in driving DD to uni, to turn around and come back again, and he didn't come with me to drop DS off last year either. He'll be at home watching sport on the TV!

FWIW DS and I stayed in a hotel the night before I dropped him and we had a nice dinner together in Durham city centre. He moved in the following morning and I was on my way by midday after I'd parted with a lot of cash to pay for all his freshers activities!

I shall be doing the same with DD this weekend. Driving down the night before, having dinner in Exeter and she has a 9.00am move in slot. Once she's unpacked and she's seen what's in the kitchen and how much fridge/freezer space there is, we'll head to the supermarket to get her provisions! I expect to be on my way by the early afternoon.

I personally would hate to hang around in the university town after the drop off and wouldn't expect my child to want to see me again either unless they wanted some more cash off me.

Definitely check the drop off slots.

Have you enough room in the vehicle for all 4 of you AND his stuff?

MidLifeCrisis007 Exeter check in was an utter shit-show last year (and I'm assuming that's normal because they have new students every year), the roads into the campus were rammed and it took us an hour to go a 5 min drive. Hopefully a 9am slot will be far better for you!

@MidLifeCrisis007 we had the same experience as @Chasingsquirrels last year at Exeter drop off. coming back into campus with the grocery shop will be really busy, it might be worth taking up a couple of days of basic stuff and arranging a grocery delivery for Monday morning.

When my children went they picked a moving in slot from one of many days, people moved in gradually and there were no Fresher Reps or catering.

Just to put another side to it.

DD Uni was 3 hour drive each way (on a Sunday when I dropped her off). So I drove that there & back in one day, stopped long enough to have some snacks in her room. Those were true halls, half-catered so just left some healthy foods with her. DD is very sociable & instantly made lots of friends. DS plans to blank and ignore everyone else (but won't be that simple) so won't embrace socialising eagerly. Or wave me off with enthusiasm to go meet his new buds.

We have always done your method. Drive down early Saturday am, drop DC off with their stuff ( I make the bed ready) then leave them to crack on. We initially stayed the night so that we were around if needed for shopping for forgotten stuff.

It really does vary by university- and even by accommodation within the same one. DS1, Birmingham, allocated day and (very tight) time slot, literally just time enough to have the contents of the car decanted into his room with the assistance of 3 student helpers and the bed made up then move on. DD Birmingham 4 years later, different halls, brand new and literally next door to Sainsbury's car park, where we were allowed several hours' free parking and the use of their trolleys for DIY decanting, having been allocated a one hour arrival window.

Last year, DS2 (UEA) nearly missed the slot booking information, so we ended up with a less convenient time than we woukd have chosen, but the process on site was pretty relaxed.

Bear in mind you often have to reserve an arrival slot to drop off and unpack, which can be restrictive before you have to move the car. That will probably dictate when you drive down.

@Chasingsquirrels @AvocadoPlant . Thanks for the heads up. DD is a medic so not on the main campus and is starting a week earlier than most other students so I'm hoping it won't be the same shit show as last year!! And there should be parking available on yellow lines nearby. Well I hope there will be!

Good luck MidLifeCrisis007, I'm still trying to firm up with DS exactly when we are heading down for the 2nd year 🤣

"We are dropping dd and her boxes off. Taking her for lunch, then supermarket shop then leaving her to it and coming home."

This is what we did last year when DD started. We had planned to leave the night before to stay with relatives who live closer to the uni, but younger DD got covid as it ran through secondary schools - so even though we all tested negative, we didn't want to risk going near older relatives. It did mean it was all a bit rushed the day we did drop off. And rather stressful as the fuel shortages were that weekend! We left at 6am and got home at 7pm and the bit in the middle with DD1 was not quite how I planned it. With hindsight I'd have skipped booking a meal in a pub which was awkward to find, and instead would have grabbed a quick but relaxed lunch on campus and left her with a meal to heat up that evening.

Your plan does sound better to be honest.
We're quite fortunate that we don't have that far too drive. DD is going to York, we live in Saltaire, dad near Halifax, so he's coming here, we're loading up both cars, DD will probably drive with me. We're going late afternoon due to her dad's work schedule. I'll start the unpacking, he'll take her off to Asda or Morrisons for her first grocery shop.
Then we'll leave, I'll probably cry all the way home!

That reads like we took DD2 with covid in the car with us. We didn't. She was never coming with us.

@CurlyhairedAssassin don't you have a timed drop off slot?

*your plan is much better.

Although whilst DS2 would have been happy for us to slow the car and fling his belongings in the road DD3 wanted me to stay unpack and settle a bit.

We plan on doing similar to you OP- mid-day moving in slot and fairly long drive so we will drop off belongings then take DD on a supermarket run (she's in self-catered accommodation). We may take her our for lunch depending on what time we arrive and what else is going on. My DH didn't go to University either and also had to be talked out of trying to hang around with her until late evening. My own experience (30 years ago) was being dropped of in the afternoon, chatting with other students over tea and biscuits as we were all unpacking, then going to the pub for the evening my new flatmates. A student flatmate who is now a lifelong friend had parents who stayed to unpack and took her out for a family dinner in the evening. She tells me that before she went she wanted to be with her parents for as long as she could but when she found herself alone in her room that night whilst the rest of the flat were out getting to know each other she felt really lonely and she felt like an outsider on the first morning when we were all chatting about the night before. Obviously by the next day she had made friends but her advice to anyone is don't hang around after you've fulfilled your role as taxi service and shopping provider.

My DS had an appointed time for drop off after which someone helped him (and me!) shift his stuff to his room with a trolley whilst his Dad re-parked the car. Helped him settle, went to supermarket then he just said "you can go now, I will be fine" literally on the pavement!!

I burst into tears an hour later when he sent a message saying "Wish I hadn't told you to go as everyone else's parents are still here".

We've also got a 4 hour drive. Some confusion over the drop-off days meant we'd made a plan around a Sunday trip (I liked the Sat afternoon/Sunday morning drive option but DH wasn't keen); prior to discovering actually her specific accommodation only had Saturday slots after all which will suit us better. Planning to leave late morning (then I can do some work in the morning first), will need to think about lunch or a late afternoon meal, then drop off, find the supermarket (part-catered), and decide if we have time to look around before heading home. Definitely doing it as a shared drive though, would break it overnight for sure if I had to do it on my own.

Why don't you compromise and go out for dinner the night before in your home town? TBF, it isn't unheard of for families to stay in a hotel the night before if it is a long journey so your DH isn't being ignorant of "the form".

It's usual to stay for a couple of hours and help unpack, run to Argos for something you forgot or do a supermarket shop. I think you have to play it by ear. IME, once one set of parents leave, the others leave or their DC want them to leave. So, if you are the first to arrive, you might end up hanging around unpacking a lot longer or your DC might want to go for lunch. If everyone else has moved in earlier in the day or Freshers' activities have already started, your DC will probably want you out of the door ASAP 😂

There was actually a parents' reception with champagne and canapés when one of mine started university. The main purpose was to solicit donations but it also worked quite well as a hint that it was time to leave 😂

Oh I didn't mean for my post to give off those vibes. My experience of uni was 30 years ago so well out of date, and I know everyone is different anyway. I was going more off what I've read on here and places like WIWIKAU and TSR about what generally happens these days. DH doesn't read anything about what uni life is like now, apart from going with DS on the offer holder's day. I am vastly inferior to my DH in terms of intelligence, he just went to a shit school and he didn't have good role models or knew anyone that went to uni and there wasn't anything like the Sutton Trust for example at that time, so it definitely isn't an "I went to uni and you didn't so you don't get to have an opinion" type of thing.

I think with DH it's more that he is going to find it hard to let go. I did most of the parenting when the kids were little because DH worked very long hours and often worked away, and the kids were at an age where they were hard work. Now he is around a bit more, the kids are older and he really enjoys their company, particularly following football with them. He is going to be worse than me, I think, when it comes to letting go! I can tell DS1 is desperate to get to uni (unlike me who was a scared little mouse and dreading it) and I am thrilled about that, and that he has achieved his dream of going there, with much support and interest from me. But yes, I admit I've rather had my fill of doing their ironing and picking up after them for many years...(I know, I know., no lectures!)...so the imminent freedom from the drudge parts of child rearing is not unwelcome for me and I'm looking forward to the change in DS1 to independent adult.

Reading other people's posts, it seems that the routine varies depending on the family and circumstances so I'll be open minded. I've found out that DS1 was able to request an AM or PM slot and chose PM. So it really depends on what slot he is given, I suppose, and who else is around as to what we do.

Not finished reading yet but I'm interested in everyone's different ways of doing things so will do that now.

You are, yes. But if your husband didn’t go away to college I can see he wouldn’t get it.

Is there something else your DH could do for the grand gesture, like a present for halls.

And yes, text not FaceTime

Having read your follow up post OP, I hope you are going to take some time for yourself. I doubt your DH is vastly superior in intelligence to you (or you wouldn’t be happily married), I just think he’s has more opportunities to exercise it.

Well, I think we are skilled in different areas, I am jealous of his inner confidence that I never had, so he is the one who has achieved things in life despite not having gone to uni, and i'm your classic underachiever . I'm thrilled that DS1 takes after him and is ready to take on the world. DS2 starting the A-leveljourney now, and unfortunately, he tends to take after me and doubt himself, so need to find ways to buoy up his confidence - he is a very capable boy. At least by the time he goes we'll be au fait with uni drop offs!

Just me taking DS due to car size. Drop off, eat and me go home

Definitely get your slot booked and work out car space but my son definitely didn't want us hanging around after we'd unloaded everything into his halls. I was gutted! This year we're all going up to move into his house and we're taking him out to dinner staying over. In your case I'd travel, move his stuff in and leave him to it, rest of you all mooch / check in, he joins for quick dinner if it's nearby, you stay over , leave next morning unless you hear otherwise from him?