Son (18) Distraught Over Results

[annelovesthebeach1975]

Hello everyone! I have been a longtime lurker of mumsnet for years now but today I have felt the need to finally make an account and post here, as my house has been plunged into chaos by the dreaded A Level results day. As the title says, my son has been absolutely distraught all day over the fact that his a level results were not what he wanted, and he got rejected by his dream uni, Newcastle University, and also his insurance choice, Birmingham. Although he only wanted to go to Newcastle so he doesn't really care about that. He received BCD although his predicted was AAB so obviously everyone was quite disappointed, but my son has taken it absolutely horrifically and it is breaking my heart. For some backstory, from when my son started lower sixth, his teachers helped students start looking for unis and courses during free periods at least once a week. From when my son began researching unis, he's only ever wanted to go to Newcastle University. When we went to the open day last year after he got his conditional offer he was hooked even further. He even knew what accomodation he wanted. He's a smart boy so I wasnt too worried about him getting in. However, after some of his exams he seemed quite unsure of himself, saying he didn't feel like he did a good job. I assumed this was just him overthinking it but now I believe the fact he didn't actually sit his GCSEs because of covid has had a negative effect on him since these were his first 'real exams.' He has been on the phone to clearing all day basically pleading for a biomed place at Newcastle and he has emailed them directly as well, although biomed and many other science courses are not clearing and his grades are much lower than the entry requirements so it has made things very difficult. I am putting on a brave face for him but on the inside I am heartbroken. This summer all he has talked about is what he's going to do when he goes to Newcastle, how excited he is, and how he's so excited for freshers week in newcastle. His eyes are red raw from crying in his room between contacting Newcastle over and over. He is not usually an emotional lad so this is very upsetting for me. I have contacted his sixth form for advice and they basically told me there is basically no chance he will find a biomed place at Newcastle with his grades, which were a shock to his teachers as they all thought he would breeze through his exams. It is looking like he will have to resit his a levels which while it is not the end of the world, it feels like it for my son when all his mates got into their unis, some Newcastle, and will be starting there next month. I am just looking for any advice on how to comfort him because I want him to know that I am there for him, and if there's any way I can get him a place at Newcastle on a science course that is biomed or similar.

Poor him and poor you. I can imagine it seems like the worst thing in the world to him right now.

Did he revise and work hard prior to the exams or was he so confident that he didn't revise much? Did he do mocks? If he did mocks and they came out at AAA or AAB it sounds like there could have been some bad luck, however if he did work hard and revise, it may be that he would have struggled if he had got on to the course. He really needs honest advice from his subject teachers

I had a friend who was regarded as a prodigy at our school, straight As in everything, took extra self taught exams like astronomy and also got A's. It seemed effortless. When I met up with him at Cambridge, where I was doing a humanity, he was in tears, really, really struggling with the workload and difficulty of his first term of Natural Sciences, a notoriously demanding course. On the other hand another girl I knew managed to get a double first as a NatSci while climbing the ranks of the Cambridge Union and playing sport. Sometimes

He needs to find out if he has been unlucky or if he should explore another route, whether it's a different university or a different course.

Op, I feel your pain. My DD had her heart set on Manchester or Bristol as back up. She need ABB for Manchester and BBB for Bristol. She got BBC and is devastated. She's taking a year out anyway and is working to save money but she is gutted. Her predicted grades were all As and Bs so it's been a shock here too. It's not the end of the world but it feels like it for them right now. Things will look up for them though and I hope your DS finds a path he enjoys.

It’s time for you to take him through the SUMO method… wallow in his disappointment for a day or two and then assess the options:

• Newcastle next year
• different course
• different uni
• gap year
• different career path to where he wants to be
• different career

it’s VVVV important you check Newcastle’s position on resits.

i don’t get what his absolute fixation with Newcastle is… other cities are available… as is public transport and WhatsApp!!

my story is that after a very difficult time doing a levels where I dropped two after year one, and did another in a year, I got the grades for my first choice.

i actually really wish I’d gone to my insurance offer in the end… would have kept away from toxic boyfriend, saved an absolute fortune by living at home and met one of my loveliest colleagues ever on my course rather than several years later at work!!

totally agree with the thing about life’s twists and turns as PP’s have said.

You can’t fix this FOR him. as I say… look up SUMO, tell him this won’t be the first major disappointment in his life, and make some good decisions in the next few days.

The main thing is to take your time.

I rushed into something through clearing and should have just taken my time, done a resit and a gap year. It just seemed so intensely desperate at that moment.

And please celebrate with your son. No matter what. Cards and a nice meal. He has worked hard and reached this milestone.

BCD is 96 UCAS points
There are several BioMed with Foundation courses in clearing that he could get onto. He needs to move on from thinking Newcastle is the be all and end all.
Or he needs to resit next year.

I suspect it didn't help that he was told he would breeze through his exams. One of my DSs had great AS results and didn't work for his A Levels. Missed his place at Durham and his insurance but got into a RG university in clearing. It changed his attitude to work, he got top results for undergrad and masters and is now most of the way through an AHRC funded PhD. So it's not the end of the world.

This happened to my son six years ago, also for Newcastle. Results day was horrific and we spent a lot of time discussing options. He did get a place at insurance choice, a former poly, despite grades being too low for that one too (BBD, predicted A*AB).
He excelled, bagged a first, got two awards and then Newcastle asked him to do a PHD (without a masters first) as he had been involved in some significant research they were very interested in. He turn them down, partly out of spite, and did a masters elsewhere, again excelling.

After graduating last Summer, he landed his dream job at an organisation that is a front runner in the field he is in (6,000 applicants in Europe for three positions) and on significant salary.
I watched him grow up on results day.
All you can say is there are options that he can make his own and there is so many opportunities out there even going to a different Uni or, dare I say it, a non RG Uni.

(I was gutted about Newcastle as I also fell in love with the Uni and the City)

My son has missed a Cambridge offer by a few marks and has no plan B. He is coping but it is awful. I don’t know yet what he will do. It will be fine in the end, but not today. I understand how you feel.

No!! Don't take your time. Try and find something ASAP and sign up for something even if he's not 100% sure.

The clearing places will be going very quickly so now isnt the time to mess around. He can change his mind later!

He isn't committed to a course even if he gets a clearance place now.

Yes I agree about clearing courses, obviously he wants to go to uni but he has his heart set on Newcastle Uni so I don’t want to push him into going to a different uni when he can wait a year and follow his original dream. I agree about celebrating as well, the original plan was to take him out for dinner today but he’s still quite distraught so we’re going to order a takeaway later on tonight and I have money for him as a little surprise present which I’ll probably give him tomorrow morning when he’s hopefully feeling better.

This. It's tough but he has options and he will get through it. He must have mates in the same boat? Is he in touch with them for mutual support?

Honestly I would advise him to resit, if you think he can do well in resits. It seems like a lot when you are looking at it from this end, but one year is quickly over and then life can carry on as normal.

My son had a similar fiasco two years ago and went through clearing in spite of reasonable results (he didn't want his insurance and the first choice couldn't offer a place for that year any more). It's okay but the only reason I still think it was the right choice is because his applications were messed up anyway and if he had waited a year he would still only have gone to a university that was actually his third choice. Also it would have been a year stuck at home with no job (Covid) and we didn't know then if Covid situation could get even worse, so I thought a bird in the hand was better. In your case, the outcome could be very much better for the sake of one year which seems a small price to pay.
I understand how terrible you feel and how upsetting it is, really I do. We all have to learn to pick ourselves up in life and unfortunately he has to learn it young and in these harsh circumstances, but he can get through this well.
Don't do anything on a knee jerk basis, plan and investigate all options. Are there nice sixth form colleges near you?
Honestly in a few years, the "lost" year will seem like nothing. It generally only ever matters what we have done in the last 2-3 years, career wise.
Much would depend on an honest assessment of what went wrong and why it wouldn't go wrong again.

This kind of thing was happening amongst my friends when we got our results 12 years ago. A few of them had to resit. Did part time work at shops etc, used some of the money to visit me and other friends at various unis for the occasional night out and studied in free time and resat exams. They all reapplied for unis, got offers, got the grades needed and went on to complete their degrees and are all happy and doing what they want to do with their lives. One is an architect, another a physics teacher, one is in finance.

Same happened to DD2 many years ago. She got a p/t job, went to evening classes and retook them. Got the grades second time around and learnt valuable life lessons —- in her case she should have worked harder at school and a year working in retail gave her good work and life experience. ( no, you can’t roll your eyes and mutter ffs at a customer like you do at home, Louisa)
Its not the end of the world, though to your son it feels like it. Keep an eye on him, be positive but realistic. He can retake and go next year.

Could he apply for Biology and then switch to biomed after a couple of terms? Some people won’t accept their place on the biomed course even if they’re full at the moment. I had a friend who did something similar to this at UCL.

Agreed don't hanh about with clearance places there are opportunities other than Newcastle for same course get a clear idea of top 3 oprio s and chat through ASAP even if just to rule out altogether but needs doing ASAP

And if your DS had aspirations for medicine I also know someone else in my year group who resat and went on to do biomed undergraduate degree then did medicine after and is now a doctor

Oh OP, I couldn't read and run.

12 years ago I was in a very similar situation to your son. Had a dream (total dream!) uni offer which I missed spectacularly. Being around all my jubilant friends that day while I was miserable still makes me sad to think about.

It's different for every individual, but I'd urge your son not to make any big decisions today. He needs to take his time to process the shock and disappointment. Unless he's offered a Clearing place that feels totally right for him, there's no law saying he has to accept anywhere. I'd also caution him to think carefully going out tonight with his friends if they are all (bar him) celebrating.

I took a Clearing place from a uni my heart wasn't in, and retracted it a few days later. Like your son, I was very academic and knew my bad results weren't a reflection of my true ability. So I did end up going back to college to re do Year 13. I'm not going to say it was brilliant, and I did miss my friends, but it was okay.

The holidays when people came home full of uni stories were a bit crap but I made new friends, knuckled down, and got an unconditional offer from my dream choice uni who told me they'd given it out of being impressed by my dedication to getting there. Bit ironic but oh well.

When I got to uni, it was totally fine that I was a year older than a lot of my classmates. So many people take gap years anyway!

On night one of university, I met my now DH in halls. The scare from my A Levels meant I worked all the harder. Got my MA and now I do the career I've dreamt of all my life. All that may never have happened were it not for that results day.

This is such a hard day for you all, and your son needs space to feel disappointed. But tomorrow is a new day and whatever choice he makes, the world really hasn't ended for him. Like me, one day he might even be a bit glad this happened.

You sound like a wonderful mum x

It's awful for him, and I went through a similar thing many years ago. I remember the agony of phoning the uni and being told no .

My DD is into arts subjects so I don't know if this will help, but she got Bs for her A levels , didn't have enough points, did an extra year diploma and is now going to one of the bests Arts unis in London . During her extra year , she got loads of relevant experience and finely tuned her personal statement and references . It all helped, and she applied as a mature student . She did miss out on being other her buddies, but visited , and saw them on holidays ,and now she's looking forward to meeting new people .

I just think it can all take time , he needs a little while to get through a rough few days , but you sound very supportive . In the long term, he will absolutely do what's right for him .

Poor lad. He sounds concientious and obviously cares about his studies - why else would he opt for such a challenging course at a good uni. This cohort has been thrown under a bus by our government who decided that covid was more important than an education (that is a matter for a whole other thread), and no wonder your son (and many others) perhaps didn't realise their potential. Perhaps it would be good for him to get some more exam experience, have another crack at it and get what he wants. But for now, he needs a lot of his and help to dust himself off. My heart really goes out to him.

Hi OP this could have been me writing this a few years ago !! My son had his heart set on Leeds Uni and needed AAA and he got BBB …he was absolutely devastated and the school were really shocked!
Leeds sent an offer for a similar course which at first he didn’t want to accept.
He has actually absolutely loved the course,got a first and really had an excellent time at Leeds .I really do understand why he had his heart set on Newcastle.
Hopefully he will feel better as days go by and he chooses to resit or do a similar course at Newcastle. 💐

I know it feels like the end of the world now, but it doesn't have to be.
DH and I were discussing this last night actually. I was academically successful at school and got 4 As for A level (when A was the highest grade) and everything went pretty much according to plan for me. I went off to a (now RG) red brick University for a sought after course and graduated in the top 10% of my cohort. DH failed his A levels first time and had to resit. Even second time round he didn't get the grades he needed for his preferred course but went somewhere he had never even heard of on clearing.
Are we massively different now? Well I have had a pretty successful career and earned a good salary most of the time. I've been happy with the way things have panned out. I'm no high flyer though, there are thousands just like me. And DH? Oh, he's an internationally recognised expert in his field. 😂
Give your son some time to deal with his disappointment but encourage him not to give up. There's many roads to Newcastle Rome and other destinations can be even better.

This was my son, seven years ago. He ultimately went to his third choice, which had actually made him an offer that he didn't accept. It all worked out fine and he has ended up where he wanted to be, career-wise.

It felt like the very worse thing in the world that morning, though, and my sympathies go to him and to you. My DH and I agreed that there are some days when you really have to earn your parenting stripes and that A Level results day was one of them. I hope you have a nice bottle on hand and some chocolate.

Hi there, hope your DS is okay.
It may be worth going through clearing to Newcastle on ANY course. He could then change course before Christmas to Biomed, as long as he keeps his grades up, always worth a shot as I know a few people over the years to do this.

OP, I am sending you DM.