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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Staying at home for University

285 replies

Orangesandlemons77 · 11/04/2022 16:04

Reading in the papers that since Covid and with the cost of living as well, more Universities are having applicants from students living at home.

Wondered what others thought of this? I have a DS who will be applying this year, and yes think he may be applying to one nearby.

OP posts:
ronaldmcdonald123456 · 15/04/2022 12:08

@Kite22 @RampantIvy I don't think there's anything wrong with socialising and drinking at uni. Nights out and clubbing are part of the life and can be very fun! Of course studying comes first, but when you've got your work done, have fun!

RampantIvy · 15/04/2022 12:09

Yes she was @ronaldmcdonald123456. She started in 2019, so she was in her second year in a house with seven other students, and they pretty much made their own entertainment. Her social life wasn't as stunted as the freshers who had yet to make friends.

RampantIvy · 15/04/2022 12:11

I don't think there's anything wrong with socialising and drinking at uni.

Neither do I Grin
DD manages to socialise a lot. She hates crowded places and isn't keen on most clubs, partly for that reason and partly that she doesn't like the music.

ronaldmcdonald123456 · 15/04/2022 12:12

@RampantIvy glad your DD had fun. I think in 20/21 commuters couldn't even legally 'sleep round a friends'.
Guessing she move back to her student house post Jan lockdown? I know people in house shares could, but student halls only allowed people back if they have legitimate reasons.

Benjispruce4 · 15/04/2022 12:14

My Dd is same year as @RampantIvy and yes she moved back as soon as she could. No rebate for private rentals and at £500 pm each, they weren’t going to leave it empty!

RampantIvy · 15/04/2022 12:14

Yes. she only came home for the holidays. Besides, her degree is allied to medicine and she had lab practicals to do, so the university advised that she needed to go back.

ronaldmcdonald123456 · 15/04/2022 12:19

@RampantIvy ah yes I remember medics still had in person teaching.

I wonder how engineers faced losing lab time.

ronaldmcdonald123456 · 15/04/2022 12:19

@Kite22 I feel many times the parents can say 'it is not part of our culture'.

ISpyCobraKai · 15/04/2022 14:55

Dd and her Bf often have friends over who do live in halls, generally the "less partying", type.
They have boardgames nights, cocktail nights, cooking nights, or just general get together with a few of them.
There's definitely a middle ground between staying in the family home and going away.

ronaldmcdonald123456 · 15/04/2022 17:55

@ISpyCobraKai does ur DD live at home? I feel that in halls it's very easy to make friends as you are literally living with other people your age. You need not be constrained to your own flatmates as there are others in halls as well. Also very easy to meet for prees.

Your message makes me think that your DD flat shares with her bf actually? I've heard that is not a good thing (incase the relationship ends). None the less I wish your DD and her bf have a good time at uni.

thing47 · 15/04/2022 18:22

I would add students whose cultural background mean that the parents aren't keen for their offspring to mix with other people/join in with the drinking/party culture. I have read some heart-breaking posts on The Student Room from (mainly) Muslim girls who are desperate to go away to university but aren't allowed to

Awfully sad, I agree @RampantIvy, especially as university should be about getting out of your bubble and meeting a wider, more diverse range of people rather than the opposite. There may be the odd instance where living at home makes sense, but if the reason is to avoid mixing with other people, I think that's a great pity and something to be strongly discouraged.

TizerorFizz · 15/04/2022 18:58

I think there’s a generalisation on threads like this that going to a club can be bad, but doing a sport can be great. The only very bright person I know (in fact the only person I know) that had to resit exams at Cambridge got to that position through sport and the drinking culture that went with it. Be careful what you wish for!

RampantIvy · 15/04/2022 18:58

Interestingly, when DD was looking at medical schools we were both surprised at the number of female medical students at Leicester who were muslim (of which 18.6% of the population is muslim). I suspect that they were local students living at home.

Oblomov22 · 15/04/2022 19:05

It's fine if there are reasons, it's better financial sense, or the child is particularly anxious. But for most, no. It makes me sad to read. It's got nothing to do with being 'wild'. It's going away, bring away from parents, the independence, the whole 'uni experience'.

Watapalava · 15/04/2022 19:11

I did 2 years home and 2 years living out

It depends really if you can afford to live the wild lifestyle living out

It’s rubbish if you are living out and skint!

ilikemoviesandtheatre · 15/04/2022 19:27

@thing47 it's quite common in the south asian community sadly. I know a girl who sadly did not apply to the subject she wanted to do because her parents did not approve. She is now going to be studying something she is not passionate about.

@Oblomov22 Like a PP. I almost beg to live in halls (where I met all my great friends). I tried to explain that moving out is part of the uni experience and got hit with 'WHAT ABOUT STUDYING?' 'You just want to misbehave.' So when I did go to halls, I went out a lot. Got hammered and smoked weed.

Got really upset to hear that other people's parents 'were chill with them moving out'.

TizerorFizz · 15/04/2022 19:35

Why does everyone think that uni halls equals wild? Many students like a drink. Quite a few like being independent and parents not knowing exactly what’s going on. They are adults and some like to carve their own life.

What’s best about living away is managing everything. Making decisions. Making mistakes. Learning from them. Life skills are honed. Who can you trust? Who is likely to be a reliable friend? Can you juggle cooking, shopping, studying, having fun, running a society, housework, paying bills, work, volunteering? Can you be a good friend to someone at uni? Do you look out for your friends? All of these are excellent skills.

Some students are very Molly coddled at home. It’s more like a hotel. Some don’t engage as much with friends.

I too dislike cultures that control their young people. I’m also very against staying at home and raking it east at an inferior university when DC could have done a lot better, but there was no ambition or drive.

ilikemoviesandtheatre · 15/04/2022 19:41

Is there anything that can be done to stop controlling parents?

Kite22 · 15/04/2022 20:31

@Kite22 @RampantIvy I don't think there's anything wrong with socialising and drinking at uni.

er.... nor me Confused

What’s best about living away is managing everything. Making decisions. Making mistakes. Learning from them. Life skills are honed. Who can you trust? Who is likely to be a reliable friend? Can you juggle cooking, shopping, studying, having fun, running a society, housework, paying bills, work, volunteering? Can you be a good friend to someone at uni? Do you look out for your friends? All of these are excellent skills.

Exactly

RampantIvy · 15/04/2022 20:49

I quite agree @TizerorFizz.

I must admit I get quite impatient at clingy parents who post on social media stating that they are sobbing at the idea of their DC going to university. It is our job to produce young adults to be independent. As older parents we are desperate for DD not to be dependent on us. We won't be around for ever. DD will have to make her own way in life.

Benjispruce4 · 15/04/2022 20:59

Children these days are ‘children’ for longer than before and by the time they’ve got to 18, most are rea St for them to move on. I say that in the most loving way. Wink

elevatorboots · 15/04/2022 21:05

I stayed at home when I went to university. I wanted to move away (and got accepted to the university I wanted to go to) but my mum and dad wouldn't let me go. I would've loved to go and often wish I had just gone.

ilikemoviesandtheatre · 15/04/2022 21:21

@elevatorboots sorry about that. Do you hold resentment? Might I ask what their reasoning was?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/04/2022 21:22

I was a bit of an immature 18 year old and would have done better staying at home, at least for a year or so till I'd made uni friends to move out with. But I felt forced into moving away because everyone, including teachers at school said "oh, you MUST move away, it's not the full uni experience otherwise" . Actually not "everyone". We had a French person staying with us on an exchange, the organiser, not a student. He was surprised I was going away and said that in France everyone just went to study at their local university. Everyone here I knew was not taking into account my maturity levels or what I actually WANTED. So I applied away, didn't even look much into the course, and dreaded the day I had to go (couldn't understand why all my friends were so excited to go away and I felt very alone in dreading it).

I lasted 3 weeks, knew it was a mistake and that I just hadn't looked into any aspect of it properly because I didn't deep down want to do it, so was thoroughly unprepared. Came home, restarted a year later at a local uni, commute was a pain for the first year (bus and a train, from a village to a city) and even worse the second year when I'd made good friends and started wanting to really experience city nightlife so had to sleep on friends' sofas or phone parents for a lift home after missing the last bus back to my village.

But.....it all worked out well and I'm an entirely normal functioning adutl! I ended up moving out to a flat with my sister for my final year, I much preferred living away from my family home as had more independence for my final year. I just wasn't ready for it at 18. Some people aren't. It doesn't make them wierd, they just mature a bit later. I'm married with children and perfectly mature now at nearly 50 Grin.

Now I've got 2 teens going through the decision-making. DS1 is raring to go, off to uni in September and it will be away. I think he'll thrive as he's not the emotional home-loving type really. (he tells me this himself, "no offence, Mum, but I really don't think I'll feel homesick".) DS2 on the other hand in 2 year's time.... Wouldn't surprise me if he wanted to stay here. Would be fine with me as we are in a university city anyway. I know if he stayed here he would make friends, enjoy the nightlife and might move in with friends after a while anyway. So it doesn't bother me.

To be honest, OP, things have changed so much since the 90s if you went to uni then. Cost of living is really prohibitive to independent living now and so many graduates have to move back to live with parents for a few years anyway if they want any hope of getting on the housing ladder. It's no wonder that young people are ending up having long "childhoods". Living with parents as adults for a while seems to be the norm. I really don't think it will be too long before everyone will go to their nearest uni if the course suits and it's got a good rep. No pressure to go away anymore.

Original poster
Orangesandlemons77 · 15/04/2022 21:27

Yes I did go away to university in the 90s. Full grant. WAs great for me as lived very rurally. Lots to think about. It's different now as we live in the centre of a city with two universities.

OP posts: