Oxford / Cambridge - current students support / chat thread

[DadDadDad]

Continuing a thread for anyone who wants to talk about their sons' and daughters' experience being a student in Oxford or Cambridge. (Or nephews, granddaughters, sisters, uncles - or if you or they have now graduated but you want to share your thoughts - all are welcome!)

I have a DS in his second year at Oxford, studying a small humanity in a tiny college.

Over to you...

@Cliff1975 I was at Oxford in the mid nineties and knew several people who did not complete their studies there. In every case where I had later information they went on to do well at other universities, one progressing to a PhD and subsequent glittering academic career. Oxbridge isn’t for everyone and dropping out isn’t a failure.

@Cliff1975 …and can I please rephrase dropping out? That isn’t what I meant to say at all. Choosing to continue elsewhere is what some talented students decide to do.

I agree with Goodbye about suspending studies if possible, for breathing space and time to reassess.

@Cliff1975, your poor DS! Well done on him working really hard. He is amazing to continue to try like this, despite a very difficult first year and the courage to continue till now is commendable, as is the ability to know when to say, 'Enough for now'. I also wonder whether he can't just take some time out, re-group and either decide to go back - or, after a breathing space - decide that Cambridge isn't the best place for him to be.

I presume he's had all kinds of assessments and supportive documents allowing him various adjustments and considerations? If so, surely the college would have to allow for this and then ensure he gets more support. Cambridge wanted him. He went through all the hoops to get a place, so he's bright enough.

The most important thing right now seems to be for him not to feel that he might be thrown out but that he feels he can decide whether or not this is the right place for him to be, secure in the fact that he got his place - so retains self-confidence for whatever the future holds. It won't matter at all whether he continues or not but it will matter how he feels about himself.

Very good luck to him for whatever comes next and to you too for supporting him.

@Ironoaks, well done to your DS for getting through to the second round of interviews for not one but two internships! Wow!

Hello @Cliff1975

Sorry to hear that your son is finding things difficult right now. I agree heartily with all that mutterphore says above.

So thank you to all of you for your really supportive comments- it really does help. He is a wonderful boy and we are really close. He loves Cambridge and really does want to stay. He has done with all aspects of it really and despite us telling him he doesnt have to many times he really does want to see it through. He does say though that he never feels truly relaxed when he is there which is a worry. We had decided to go and get him and bring him home for the weekend. However, he has now tested positive for Covid so that has stopped that ! Really feel for him.

oh no, your poor lad Cliff that's all he needs at this point. Good for him for working so hard this term. Lots would have just given up after such a difficult time. It's so much pressure.

I do think that this point in the year is especially tricky - there can be a sense of overwhelm combined with dread of upcoming exam season.

@Cliff1975 despite his struggles your ds sounds to have a good attitude and well done to him for sticking it out. Could he intermit for the 3rd year just to have a break? He is lucky to have understanding and supportive parents who can support him through.

Well said mutterphore.

All the very best of luck Malbecfan, if you do go for the post.

We did suggest intermitting at the end of last year- the college wre not keen.

and to Cliff and son, in lieu of advice of which I have none

S2 is home - well, right now he's in town where he's meeting his girlfriend for a First Anniversary Dinner. A lot less wan and exhausted looking than last term, which fits with how he felt the work has gone. Had more than a full suitcase of washing ("did you not bother for the last week?" - "well, no, obviously ") Includes a cosy-looking college hoody and a UniBrass t-shirt. Will be off again on Thursday as his band are having a trip to Wales (presumably someone has a connection there).

Saw S1 for about two minutes as he helped pack up. He has applied for a postgrad place and is also looking at various jobs around Cambridge. Whether he'd remain in the choir as a postgrad I've no idea (o noes, more Christmas Eve college dinners! These things are sent to try us).

In the discussion about what end-of-year transport would look like S2 also disclosed that S1 has bought a miniring. As you do. It fits in his room but he's keeping it dismantled because then he can reasonably assert it's a musical instrument not a piece of furniture (which would need a fire test).

@merryhouse, do you mean your DS1 has bought a tabletop oven? DD's floor bought one at one point. I've no idea who did it or where it is now, but it proved to be most useful.

Not an oven, no.

Not a tabletop, either

This might shed some light

@merryhouse - I think that counts as an instrument, if not the most portable one.

We collected DS at the weekend. He has now been invited for an interview for a third summer internship. The dress code is a suit and tie, and his suit is in the vacation store in college. Luckily the suit he wore throughout sixth form is still in his wardrobe at home, and it still fits. The trousers are very worn, but hopefully won't be visible on Zoom.

@Ironoaks, your comment re worn trousers made me chuckle. When DS (C) came home at Christmas he had outgrown the trousers of the suit that he wore for matriculation and college formals but had an interview for an internship that required a suit and tie. Fortunately it was a Zoom interview and he got away with looking very smart above the waist but wore college joggers below.
The internship will be in person which is great for personal development but does require significant effort and expense compared with doing them on Zoom (as he did last summer). It will be costly for DS to commute daily to London from here and he will definitely need to wear something smarter than college joggers! I don't think he really believed it would actually take place in person when he applied. Zoom does open up more internship opportunities for students living in less accessible parts of the country.

@Ironoaks, well done to your DS or yet another interview for a third summer internship. He's doing very well.

I now have both DS1 and DS2 back home, which is lovely. DS2 had an easy time of his online internship last week where, as he'd hoped, the three internees were given work to do in their own time and so he was able to get on with this across the week plus other university work for next term. He had very complimentary feedback from the firm running the internship. He also got a place on an Insight Day for another firm and found that really useful.

DS1 is making the very most of the advice from his DOS to all the students - to take a proper break - and I'm trying not to interfere in any way with the fact that he needs to write an entire dissertation and start revision for Tripos 1 across the vacation. He has his own laid back way of approaching things!

Very sorry to hear that your DS is in such a tricky situation, @Cliff1975. You may have seen upthread that my DS is intermitting this term and will go back and retake the second year from October. He has visibly relaxed since the decision was taken: in his case it was on medical grounds so there wasn't really any debate about it. I remain very unsure about whether Cambridge is the right place for him, overall, but he is very keen to stick it out so that's the plan for the moment.

If your DS is keen to continue I would have thought that you have strong grounds to push back against the college refusing him permission to intermit. So many students have had a challenging time starting university during the pandemic -- I would have thought they'd all got grounds to intermit if they so desired. In my DS's case the college is now being very supportive but there was a long period of what amounted to neglect before he reached this position.

Much sympathy.

DD4’s Classics mods results pinged through while we were at DS4’s graduation in Durham yesterday (deferred from 2020 but fantastic, with twice the usual numbers of young people back to graduate) and she was very pleased to get a first. Especially since she thinks that almost certainly means a £250 present from the college :)

Congratulations to DD4 on her amazing results and to DS4 on his graduation. I saw a couple of photos from a Durham linguist 2 years older than him/my DD1 but who took a pre-Uni gap year so also graduated this week. Glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks Malbec. I suppose because Durham is so small that filling it entirely with thousands of young people on a happy occasion with associated parents and siblings made for a quite unique atmosphere. Perhaps all the more striking against what is happening elsewhere, although the Dean, Vice Chancellor and Chancellor all referred to the war in their respective addresses, obviously. The cathedral was perfect for a ceremony of that size - it was at capacity, not a spare ticket in the house.

@Goodbyestranger, well done to your DD4 on getting a First in her Classics Mods! Wow! That's a fantastic result and well deserved after all her hard work. How lovely to have your DS4's Durham graduation at last too. Lots of celebrating for you all!

@Pantjog, I'm glad to hear your DS can at last relax and recuperate, hopefully, after a very challenging start. Awful that his college were initially rather neglectful at the start but at least they're being more helpful now.

Fab news on your DD's first in Mods, @goodbyestranger! That is very very impressive. Lovely that you were able to get to DS4's graduation. These things are all the more special post covid.

Cheers mutterphore and pantjog :)

Yes, the graduation was a welcome sign of normality and moving on for all the young people. A welcome breath of fresh air.

And all the absolute best to your DS1 pantjog. Between them mine have all had peers in their college who have needed to rusticate/ intermit and the overwhelming majority have returned refreshed and with excellent outcomes on the health as well as academic front. He's in very good company. One of my DCs' close friends needed to rusticate literally on the eve of their finals and came back to scoop top prize in the year as well as - much more critical obviously - perfectly well and happy.

I might have said that already, not sure. Apologies for repetition if that's what it is. I do it all the time at the moment, in life. The DC are very patient (I can never remember which of them I've said what to, so they each get anecdotes repeated multiple times. But then they might simply appear patient because they don't listen to anything I say).

Ah thanks GS. I haven’t read that before. I also endlessly repeat myself to the offspring. Do you also do the thing where you run through several names before getting the right one for the children?!

Yes I definitely do that pantjog, usually ending in an aargh....