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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DD came home very often in first year, how to avoid in second? Any advice welcomed!

129 replies

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 18:33

DD19 got very homesick in her first year and as a result came home frequently, a lot of the time it was every other week. Shes at uni 3 hours away by direct train in a lively city, home is fairly rural and quiet.
I dont want her to feel unwelcome in her own home but at the same time it's a financial drain (I'm a single parent and she gets full loan amount), I was looking forward to my bills going down once she was away. And to having the house to myself and enjoying the peace, no lifts etc.

Plus after having her at home for 3 months I do not want a repeat of this. When i was at uni 25 odd years ago my mum had to beg me to come home!

If anyone has any experience of this or advice I would be very grateful. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/08/2020 17:19

But OP's daughter has had that for over a year. At age 18/19, that should normally be more than enough

Gosh that reads so grudging. Personally I will be there for my daughter as long as she needs or wants me to be. Not “you’ve had your lot”

😱

Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 17:22

I remember a fellow student at university who used to go home on Friday afternoons every week, and come back on Monday mornings. In her final year, as it happened she had no lectures on Fridays or Mondays so changed that to Thursday afternoons and Tuesday mornings. She was very able, but after leaving university simply went back home and stayed there, which meant that (as she lived in the middle of nowhere) she never came anywhere near to realising her potential and has always been quite frustrated ever since. It's a real shame, and I know her friends always took the view that if she had not had such a ready bolt-hole at her parents' house she would have got much more out of university life and would have been much more independent afterwards.

IrmaFayLear · 05/08/2020 17:23

I completely understand the OP. I would have been disappointed if ds had wanted to come home all the time whilst at university. Not that I didn't miss him and by the end of term I was desperate to wrestle him to the ground with hugs, but by the same token I wanted him to be having a good time, both academically and socially. University is a bit of a one shot: a chance to have a bit of independence and not much responsibility.

I didn't enjoy university that much. I didn't find my tribe and my school friends had been much more on my wavelength. I would have been sad if ds had had a similar negative experience.

I do agree that kids do seem to be less keen to "participate" in university life now. I have several reports of students being disappointed that their flatmates/hallmates disappear home every weekend. Dn, at Royal Holloway, complained that all three of her flatmates went home every Friday to Monday morning. So she had no choice but to do the same.

I think some MNetters don't help their dcs along their independence journey. On the HE threads I've seen over the years posters planning to visit their dcs after one week, or every week, or planning their return for such " important" celebrations as Grandma's 73rd birthday/dog's chopping off of bits etc etc...

RedNun · 05/08/2020 17:25

Look, OP, I was one of those students who was desperate to get away from home and stay away -- but that was to an extent because home was unwelcoming and overcrowded (two younger sisters had moved into my room as soon as I left for my first term, and I was on the sofa if I came home in the vac), and I knew that an extra mouth to feed was a genuine strain on resources, even when I tried to make my parents accept a contribution when I was there.

I mean, I was fine, really, but no one in my family had ever stayed at school past 14 or 15 before, far less gone to university, and it was a big life change, and it would have been nice to have the option to come home more easily, without being very aware I was inconveniencing people.

Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 17:33

@Bluntness100

But OP's daughter has had that for over a year. At age 18/19, that should normally be more than enough

Gosh that reads so grudging. Personally I will be there for my daughter as long as she needs or wants me to be. Not “you’ve had your lot”

😱

No, it isn't grudging. It's a recognition that sometimes good parenting includes encouraging independence.
Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 17:37

@Bluntness100

But OP's daughter has had that for over a year. At age 18/19, that should normally be more than enough

Gosh that reads so grudging. Personally I will be there for my daughter as long as she needs or wants me to be. Not “you’ve had your lot”

😱

It also doesn't mean "You've had your lot". I would expect to be there for my children when they need me forever. Encouraging them to be independent and get everything they can out of university self-evidently doesn't mean withdrawing completely from their lives. I'm quite sure OP, like most parents of students, will be very happy for her daughter to keep coming home occasionally and during vacations, and that is perfectly compatible with encouraging her child to be independent and to get the most benefit that she can from the university experience.
Bluntness100 · 05/08/2020 17:39

There is a difference between encouraging a child to be independent and saying you’ve had eighteen nineteen years mate, that’s more than enough.

YgritteSnow · 05/08/2020 17:47

Ok so later on in the thread you're worried that she's not making the most of her time at uni but the first post is all about lower bills, peace and quiet, not having to do things for her dd, yet she's only there four days out of the month. I don't understand how four days out of the month can be such a bind for you and mean that she's missing out 🤷‍♀️

Yellowfeather · 05/08/2020 17:49

Nobody is say "That's it, time's up.". Not a single person on this thread. Some people seem to want their grown-up child snuggled under their wing as much as possible, being their "best friend" and keeping that umbilical cord on. I've mixed my metaphors, but I hope you can see what I mean.
Others, like me, want to encourage their DC to go out into the world and embrace the independence, with them coming back at times for some free food and home comforts. Never turned away, always welcome, but hoping and expecting that they are becoming fully paid-up adults.

Chaotic45 · 05/08/2020 17:56

OP please do consider that your DD may really be struggling at uni or just with life in general, and needs home as a rock to anchor to. Taking away this rock, or making her feel bad for needing it could push her towards a very tough time indeed.

katy1213 · 05/08/2020 17:57

Well, don't pay train fares or offer a taxi service. Maybe if you said that now she's an adult, she needs to contribute to food costs? She'll probably be so shocked you won't see her again until Easter! And don't be too available - your life doesn't need to grind to a halt just because she's coming home, you need a few social engagements of your own.

userabcname · 05/08/2020 18:08

Wow. Some harsh parents on here! Glad my mum wasn't like this. I went home as often as I could during my first year. Lived at home and commuted in to uni during my second. Then did my year abroad for my third year and by my final year was much more confident/happier and had made a ton more friends to spend time with at weekends. I'm very pleased that my mum always welcomed me and never made me feel bad/guilty/odd for wanting to be at home in those first 2 years. Fwiw, I left home for good in my early 20s and am now married with 2 children and a career. Not everyone who struggles at 18 is destined for a life of spinsterhood and living with mummy forever.

BlusteryShowers · 05/08/2020 18:11

I think I'd be concerned too. Bring a party animal isn't compulsory but that tends to come hand in hand with enjoying your own company. Both of my housemates went home every single weekend at uni but I didn't mind as it meant I had the place to myself. If she's lonely then it suggests she's unhappy and would benefit from a better social circle.

She surely won't keep the restaurant job long if she's off every weekend?

BlusteryShowers · 05/08/2020 18:12

*every other weekend.

luciangal1 · 05/08/2020 18:15

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

So as soon as they hit 18 they are to fly the nest, live independently and only visit their parents what? Once a month? Once a term? At the end of the year? What's the acceptable length of time between visits? Everyone is different, and leaving home to live alone 3 hours away must be pretty difficult for some people. I couldn't imagine telling my kids at 19, if they were having a difficult time settling in a new home alone, that they couldn't come home to stay once a fortnight Confused
This, ditto!
Original poster
Royalbiscuit · 05/08/2020 18:26

When I said weekends I meant long weekends. So Thursday afternoon till monday morning. In the case of the strikes it was often Tuesday to monday she was here. Often it was more than every other weekend. I used that as a rough guide, I was quite upset writing my OP.

Again, I wasnt asking if I'm being unreasonable. And I would never in a million years make her feel unwelcome or tell her I dont want her here. I repeat, if I did that then she would hardly want to come home would she?
I do pity the future son/daughter in laws of a few contributors to this thread Grin

OP posts:
IrmaFayLear · 05/08/2020 18:39

I think some parents on here seem to fear their dcs having a good time, which is sad. My ds had a lovely university experience and due to the distance only returned at the end of term (we visited at half terms).

In the absence of real problems, trying to lure and guilt your dcs into coming home all the time is very selfish. They are home for (very) long holidays and ds has returned now possibly for ever in the current climate!

Of course if a dc is struggling or unhappy it is vital to be there, but under normal circumstances it is the parents’ role to help a student make the most of their opportunities, not stand there with a great big pair of shears trying to clip their wings for your own benefit.

MissJaneLockland · 05/08/2020 18:43

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IrmaFayLear · 05/08/2020 18:46

OP, i would perhaps have “a talk” with your dd about joining a society. My ds was painfully shy and awkward and I feared that he would follow in my footsteps and not ever put himself forward for anything. So I drummed into him that no one was looking/laughing at/judging him and ta da! he joined the university newspaper.

What is your dd interested in online? Could she connect with those who have a similar interest at university? Where is she living in her second year? Does she have flat mates who could potentially be friends?

MissJaneLockland · 05/08/2020 18:47

In the absence of real problems, trying to lure and guilt your dcs into coming home all the time is very selfish.

Who is doing that?

Yellowfeather · 05/08/2020 18:49

@MissJaneLockland. That was a mean comment, and I'm reporting it.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2020 18:52

@Royalbiscuit, I would try to book your DD in for a few sessions with a counselor or therapist, maybe have as assessment for ASD/ autism.

Girls and women can mask it better than boys/men but the social effects of an inability to develop a 'tribe' can have wide ranging side effects, especially in young adults living away from home for the first time but also when it comes to gearing up for the first graduate level job search, interviews, and starting work.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2020 18:52

A screening for depression might be in order too.

MissJaneLockland · 05/08/2020 18:54

I'm not allowed to feel sorry for a DC at uni (who is maybe struggling with mh/settling in/making friends etc) whose DM doesn't want her to come home at weekends? Ok then report away.

DarkMintChocolate · 05/08/2020 18:58

I do pity the future son/daughter in laws of a few contributors to this thread.

When you get the police ringing you regularly at 1 am, 5 am, etc asking if you know where DD is, because they are worried about her; and three police forces have her photo on their database so she can be identified as vulnerable, worrying about future son in laws is fiddling while Rome burns!