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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

DD came home very often in first year, how to avoid in second? Any advice welcomed!

129 replies

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 18:33

DD19 got very homesick in her first year and as a result came home frequently, a lot of the time it was every other week. Shes at uni 3 hours away by direct train in a lively city, home is fairly rural and quiet.
I dont want her to feel unwelcome in her own home but at the same time it's a financial drain (I'm a single parent and she gets full loan amount), I was looking forward to my bills going down once she was away. And to having the house to myself and enjoying the peace, no lifts etc.

Plus after having her at home for 3 months I do not want a repeat of this. When i was at uni 25 odd years ago my mum had to beg me to come home!

If anyone has any experience of this or advice I would be very grateful. Thanks :)

OP posts:

allmycats · 04/08/2020 20:48

So you think she has not made a friendship group at university, and you don't want her coming home. I feel really sorry for your daughter.

Original poster

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 20:52

From reading mn it seemed to me the norm that uni kids rarely come home, which is why I am concerned. I meant to say in my OP I am also worried shes not getting the full university experience. She says there are no clubs or societies, I suspect this to be untrue.
The full loan is quite generous if you're not a big drinker or smoker and a student railcard makes travel pretty cheap. She is very good with money, for which I am thankful.

OP posts:

My0My · 04/08/2020 20:54

But coming home doesn’t give friendships a chance does if? No party invites. No drinks with mates. No society events. Not part of organising anything if you are not there. Yes it’s worrying.

Sunrise234 · 04/08/2020 20:55

Oh bless her! She is coming home because as you say she is homesick, not because she’s trying to purposely upset you. It is also a worrying time so she maybe feeling extra anxious or worried about you.
I moved out when I was very young and didn’t visit my mum much but now I’m older we get on really well and if I had the time I would choose to see her most days.

As she is in her first year I would suck it up for a few more months. Once she’s a bit more used to being away you’ll be begging for her to come and see you more

My0My · 04/08/2020 20:55

Well there are parties and drinks! Sport? No university is bereft of things to do but lots of dc socialise with friends.

Original poster

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 20:56

The frequent strikes played a part in this as well. Which is totally not her fault, and shes worked her socks off and passed her first year with flying colours.

OP posts:

My0My · 04/08/2020 20:58

Noooo! Don’t beg. You are no longer attached by the umbilical cord. What’s she doing after university? Coming home?

PaquitaVariation · 04/08/2020 21:01

Maybe she just doesn’t want that sort of uni experience! Not all teenagers want to be out partying and socialising. If she’s not asking you to pay for the train tickets then I’m not sure what the problem is.

Yellowfeather · 04/08/2020 21:01

All the people saying they feel sorry for her... this is what our children should be doing, growing up and flying the nest. Perhaps some of them need a bit of a push! You have done most of your job as a parent, you are allowed to have a life of your own too. Some people seem desperate to cling to the time when they were the most important person in their child's life.

I think you are being a good parent by encouraging her to live a life away from you.

crimsonlake · 04/08/2020 21:06

University is not a wonderful experience for everyone and some people feel quite isolated and never find their tribe there.
This could be your daughter...she wants / needs to come home frequently so I would continue to support her and be non judgemental about it.
I understand about the additional costs which must be mainly extra food shopping, but surely it is worth it to support your daughter.

My0My · 04/08/2020 21:06

Well going 3 hours away usually means they have left home!!

Hardbackwriter · 04/08/2020 21:10

The trouble is, this year is unlikely to be 'normal' so there actually may not be that much for her to do to branch out socially. I work at a university and despite the very detailed 'student experience plan' I still can't work out what they're actually expected to do in their free time except sit in their rooms, which worries me because some of them will do just that and get very depressed and others will sit in their rooms with 15 other people while drinking, which will make all the masks and tape on the floor a bit pointless.

mathanxiety · 04/08/2020 21:14

Agree with MyOMy and Yellowfeather.

I would be worried that she is suffering from depression or anxiety.

There is no way her university has no clubs or societies, or even university branches of charities where she could volunteer on weekends if partying isn't her thing.

If she misses the dog she could volunteer to dog walk at her local animal shelter.

If the reason she comes home is the dog and not to socialise heavily on her own home turf, I would be concerned that she has problems making and sustaining friendships

Floralnomad · 04/08/2020 21:17

I think it’s going to be even harder for her to integrate in the second year , have you asked her if she’d prefer to try and transfer to a uni closer to home so she could commute ? It’s made me quite sad reading this thread .

Sunrise234 · 04/08/2020 21:32

All the people saying they feel sorry for her... this is what our children should be doing, growing up and flying the nest. Perhaps some of them need a bit of a push!

I don’t think children should be pushed into flying the nest (unless they’re like 40). As long as they have jobs/in education and pulling their weight then I don’t see a problem. They have the rest of their lives to live elsewhere and pay mortgages and things. Some of my friends from when I was young were homebodies they just preferred to be in the family home without wasting their time partying all night and sleeping all day.
I preferred to waste my time.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 04/08/2020 21:34

She sounds like me. I feel like some posters are making her sound abnormal because she isn't joining clubs and doing sports. You said she has friends but mostly online, so she can obviously make friends. Not everyone can be a social butterfly, some of us are much more introverted than that. If she's homesick let her come home, what harm is it doing? You say it's a financial drain but she is good with money, so ask her to chip in a little for food etc while she's at home. I'm sure you don't mean it that way but if I was your daughter I'd be so hurt reading this post. Please try and appreciate that she wants to be at home with you and the dog, it's not a bad thing, it's actually really nice.

Yellowfeather · 04/08/2020 21:39

I think they should!

They are fully grown adults, doing courses they want to do away from home. My children know they will be financially supported until the end of education, and can live with us in the holidays. And we are here if needed. But we expect them to embrace the opportunities they have, make their mistakes and live independently.

My0My · 04/08/2020 21:45

Online friends are not your real friends are they? I’m bemused she chose a university 3 hours away if she is a home bird and not ready to leave home as others suggest. If you choose a university 3 hours away you surely expected to stay there quite a lot.

I do think next year will be awful for first years but she’s second year. She’s done well but this seems to have stopped her doing anything else, which is a bit narrow.

Original poster

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 22:06

Thanks again for all the comments. She was very sporty at high school and competed at a decent level. I've been encouraging her to take this up again. She also has made some friends and done some social activities, she makes friends fairly easily. Shes not totally introverted but a lot of her life is online.

Initially she applied to local unis, we went to open days etc. Then she got massively better than predicted a level grades and decided she wanted to go further to a better uni in a big city. We discussed it at length and it was what she wanted.

OP posts:

Decorhate · 04/08/2020 22:19

I’m tired of saying this but it seems to be a very British (or even maybe just English) thing for kids to be expected to move hours away for uni & become independent overnight. In many countries students just go to their nearest uni and live at home.

So there is nothing “wrong” with going home at weekends (I did for most of my time at uni) though I appreciate that in this case it’s probably not ideal from a practical or financial point of view with the 3 hour journey.

We tended to use the long summer holidays to travel & work abroad, whereas most young people I know return home for the holidays. So it’s being adventurous in different ways.

OP, it’s very common to not really find your friends until 2nd year. I hope your dd feels more settled next year.

Mothermorph · 04/08/2020 22:20

*I think they should!

I chose not to go to uni, but I moved out and lived independently from the age of 22 so not exactly tied to apron strings. My sibling had a lot of MH problems due to being homesick at uni. They felt they couldnt tell my parents, and were about 6 hours away so not easy to come home. They were sectioned when they graduated and spent the next 12 years battling MH issues stemming from that time.

ShellsAndSunrises · 04/08/2020 22:28

Most people went home every other weekend when I was at uni, I was one of few who didn’t (as I had nowhere to go), and I often felt pretty lonely and weird for being there!

Societies and things didn’t have that many meets, they’d do big events once in a while but no real constant weekly things, and most people didn’t really join any.

I don’t think there’s a way you can encourage her to stay away more without her feeling like you want her gone. I would definitely check in to make sure she’s alright... but if you don’t want her to treat your house as her home anymore, that needs a more solid conversation about her moving out properly.

But I can be a bit weird about homes, I was homeless for a while after uni and it was a horrendous experience.

SirVixofVixHall · 04/08/2020 22:32

19 is really young, and many people still need emotional support, and the security of home. This isn’t a bad thing. Not everyone enjoys being far away from home and family. Until fairly recently most people only left home to get married, and even then lived close to their parents.

Decorhate · 04/08/2020 22:34

My dc always say that weekends are very quiet at uni. Most of the social events are during the week. Weekends are when they catch up with study (and sleep!).

Redwinestillfine · 04/08/2020 22:36

Don't say anything op. Let her come as often as she needs to. It's important she knows she always has a home with you, no strings. If you're worried about her not settling talk to her about that but let her suggest solutions, don't suggest she stays away. You need to be her anchor. I think encouraging the sports is a good move. She sounds like a great kid, you've obviously done a great job.

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