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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DD came home very often in first year, how to avoid in second? Any advice welcomed!

129 replies

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 18:33

DD19 got very homesick in her first year and as a result came home frequently, a lot of the time it was every other week. Shes at uni 3 hours away by direct train in a lively city, home is fairly rural and quiet.
I dont want her to feel unwelcome in her own home but at the same time it's a financial drain (I'm a single parent and she gets full loan amount), I was looking forward to my bills going down once she was away. And to having the house to myself and enjoying the peace, no lifts etc.

Plus after having her at home for 3 months I do not want a repeat of this. When i was at uni 25 odd years ago my mum had to beg me to come home!

If anyone has any experience of this or advice I would be very grateful. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Nacreous · 04/08/2020 22:40

If she's home once every two weeks, then she's still living independently 6/7 of the time which doesn't sound too crazy.

I used to see my parents once every 3 weeks ish throughout uni, short terms so that was usually one visit home and they would come up for the day.

Honestly, I struggled a lot at university, I had great friends but I was very ill and frankly seeing my parents was something that really kept me going. I know they worried about me terribly but them not wanting me home or not wanting to see me would have hit me really hard.

I wouldn't have expected my parents to drop their plans when I came home, I was quite happy to just go to the supermarket with mum or potter round helping with chores or whatever. So maybe let her come home whenever but aside from a lift to and from the station don't change your plans?

Nacreous · 04/08/2020 22:41

PS I am now a well adjusted successful adult who owns their own home, and has a fully functioning senior job (and still sees their parents once every couple of weeks!).

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/08/2020 22:48

So as soon as they hit 18 they are to fly the nest, live independently and only visit their parents what? Once a month? Once a term? At the end of the year? What's the acceptable length of time between visits?
Everyone is different, and leaving home to live alone 3 hours away must be pretty difficult for some people. I couldn't imagine telling my kids at 19, if they were having a difficult time settling in a new home alone, that they couldn't come home to stay once a fortnight Confused

My0My · 04/08/2020 23:03

Why choose a university 3 hours away then? Most people don’t expect to come home from university all the time 3 hours away. Once or twice a term is pretty normal. Every two weeks unless it’s Royal Holloway and a few others near London is highly unusual. I’m wondering if there’s a new trend in coming home all the time. I don’t know a single student that’s done this. Even ones 1 hour away!

IAmFleshIAmBone · 04/08/2020 23:13

Because maybe she wanted to go to a further away uni and come home every two weeks? I don't see the issue. What's wrong with it? Is she paying her own travel? If so then I can't see a problem.

littlealexhorne · 04/08/2020 23:25

I did the same at uni, partly because I really missed my dog like your DD, partly because I didn't really have any friends there so the alternative was spending the whole weekend alone in my room. University isn't an amazing social experience for everybody, and I think it can be really hard for young people to admit that they aren't having the great time that people expect them to be.

My0My · 05/08/2020 00:03

Well if that’s what she intended it’s a shame her mum didn’t know. It’s obviously not what was intended; by either party. Anyway I obviously am out of step here but I would try and find out what’s driving this and what she intends to do next year.

Mammyloveswine · 05/08/2020 00:11

Awww this makes me sad. Your poor dd!

pilotsprincess · 05/08/2020 00:15

Wow! I can absolutely never imagine feeling this way about my ddShock I hope and pray mine will always want to come home and it will be their home for them always, always open!

Poppinjay · 05/08/2020 00:20

I think young people, like any group are all different. Some are ready to fly the nest and hit ready to get stuck into the full student experience, some might need a bit of a nudge and some struggle.

Of those who struggle, some will drop out, some will have lots of wobbles but hang on by the skin of their teeth and some will have a wobble, get over it and never look back.

I had one who fell to pieces halfway through second year, came home at the end really unwell, needed a huge amount of putting back together over the next year and then went back to repeat second year. If I hadn't made myself available to support her when she needed it, she could have ended up as another of the far too many students who take their own lives.

I'd be inclined to let a young adult work out for themselves when they are ready to fly the nest altogether and I always want my children to know that there is a place here for them, whenever they want or need it.

If finances are the only issue, ask her to pay for some of the food when she's at home.

livefornaps · 05/08/2020 00:22

Man, I miss getting buzzed out of my brain at uni Grin

Maybe be thankful that she isn't up to hiiiiiiigh jinks Wink emphasis on the hiiiiigh, geddit?!

YgritteSnow · 05/08/2020 00:43

I genuinely can't imagine ever feeling this way about my child coming home. I feel sad reading this.

celebgoss101 · 05/08/2020 01:05

This has made me feel sad. OP imagine the other way round when one day visiting you may well feel like a hassle to her and she won't bother.

She is obviously pretty unhappy and having to use the dog as an excuse.

I didn't like uni. I am a social butterfly but I was totally overwhelmed in halls and had way too much free time to sit about and think. I ended up swapping to uni in my home town. Since then I've lived all over the world but I just wasn't ready at 18.

My sister found uni very tough in her first year but she made some friends and second year was when it all clicked. Joing a society really helped her and from crying most days she's never been permanently home since and lives the other side of the country now.

We all mature at different stages and there is so much pressure at uni to be having the best time of your life and many it just isn't.

I would talk to her and try and get to the bottom of it all, it feels like she is holding back.

essexmum777 · 05/08/2020 01:11

sounds like you don't like her

Smallsteps88 · 05/08/2020 01:17
Sad

It’s her home. There’s no substitute for that feeling of knowing youre home. Please don’t make her feel she can’t come home when she needs to.

cosmicpassages · 05/08/2020 01:19

I feel for your Dd, if she wants to come home then let her, she won't be coming for no reason. Mine came home every two to three weeks right through uni, it didn't interfere with uni life and it was a pleasure. We still see them every two weeks or so now because they are still under an hour away now they are working, in fact they are nearer to home.

Smallsteps88 · 05/08/2020 01:20

Maybe be thankful that she isn't up to hiiiiiiigh jinks wink emphasis on the hiiiiigh, geddit?!

no, whatever can you mean? Hmm

Pixxie7 · 05/08/2020 02:08

I would enjoy her whilst you can in a couple of years time you may not see her all that much.

Ploughingthrough · 05/08/2020 02:19

Seems a bit harsh. I went to uni about an hour from home, and most of the friends I made there were within an hour to 1.5 hours from home. We all used to go home every other weekend, some even more often, to see friends, parents or in my case I kept up my part time job.
Uni socialising was definitely during the week - cheap nights were week nights and no one went out at the weekends because it was expensive! Going home at weekends didn't stop me from having a great group of friends who I'm still friends with a long time later. Some kids find it harder than others to be away from home.

birdy124 · 05/08/2020 02:41

I def understand you're POV, OP. I would be worried too. I don't think there is a really way you could enforce a limit on her home visits without making her feel unwelcome. I would just be open to talking to her about how uni is going and encouraging her to try new things. Does she have hometown friends she is hangs out with?

With COVID, if she is going back, you could tell her you are worried she will bring the virus home (even dogs can catch it!). But I suspect this uni year might be online only anyways which would make it extremely isolating if she stays in uni town.

Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 03:17

Can you encourage her to join university clubs and activities, or get a weekend job local to the university?

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 05/08/2020 03:22

Wow.

You clearly lack compassion .

Your DD deserves better to be honest.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2020 06:54

Shes not totally introverted but a lot of her life is online.

That is a problem, and I think many here have glossed over this detail.

What online life does she have?
Who are the people she spends her time with online?
Doing what?

A 'social life' that is predominantly online can indicate poor self esteem, lack of self confidence, maybe even some hitherto undiagnosed or even unsuspected autistic traits - all of which can make connecting on a solid basis with other people difficult (as opposed to relationships conducted on a more superficial level).

Did DD have close friends in secondary school? Did she have sustained and ongoing friendships in her teen years? Is she still friends with people from school?

Original poster
Royalbiscuit · 05/08/2020 08:19

@mathanxiety I have suspected autism at times. It is present in my family, although only diagnosed in males.

Her online friends are mostly on twitter. These are long standing friends and she has met up with some of them in real life. I do think social media has been the most damaging thing for this young generation.
She did have many friends in school and college, tended to be in groups rather than a 121 best friend. She does have a friend from college that she is still very close to and meets up with whrn she comes back.

@livefornaps my own uni time was a narcotic blur.

I can assure those of you who seem to think I posted in aibu, I do like my daughter and have compassion in spades. She would want to come home if I didnt, would she? Hmm

OP posts:
Michaelahpurple · 05/08/2020 08:27

I think university life has changed quite a lot since our day. I love home and was very happy to look around there in the holidays but it never really occurred to me to go back there during term. Plus there was always something sillier to spend my money on.

But lots of my friends' children never seem to be at university - even those with just 8 week terms seem to keep popping up at home at the weekends. Even an Edinburgh one who keeps coming back to London to meet her boyfriend.