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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

DD came home very often in first year, how to avoid in second? Any advice welcomed!

129 replies

Royalbiscuit · 04/08/2020 18:33

DD19 got very homesick in her first year and as a result came home frequently, a lot of the time it was every other week. Shes at uni 3 hours away by direct train in a lively city, home is fairly rural and quiet.
I dont want her to feel unwelcome in her own home but at the same time it's a financial drain (I'm a single parent and she gets full loan amount), I was looking forward to my bills going down once she was away. And to having the house to myself and enjoying the peace, no lifts etc.

Plus after having her at home for 3 months I do not want a repeat of this. When i was at uni 25 odd years ago my mum had to beg me to come home!

If anyone has any experience of this or advice I would be very grateful. Thanks :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Royalbiscuit · 05/08/2020 08:30

@Michaelahpurple it seems to be totally different now. In some ways for the better - accommodation definitely.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 05/08/2020 08:31

Blimey that’s harsh op. I’m guessing when you had her you never thought one day you’d be asking how to get her to not come home.

I also don’t believe it’s that much of a financial drain for her to be there every other weekend, and if you’re struggling ask her to contribute to food, but I doubt this is about the money,

Why don’t you want her there really?

Yellowfeather · 05/08/2020 08:35

OP, ignore the people giving you a hard time. I can see that you are thinking about what is good for your DD. It's not about her not being welcome at home, it's about helping her to become more independent.

Mischance · 05/08/2020 08:36

I think you should not comment - just welcome her when she comes home.

If she is unhappy at university she needs to take this up with her tutor and see if there are ways to improve things. Or, if more serious, talk to the counsellors at her university.

I am struck by the fact that she was brought up in the country and is away in a city. It may be that, like me, she feels happier in the country - I do not feel human unless I am surrounded by green and a wide sky above me. If she is like that then I can see why she needs to get her "green fix" regularly.

I think it might be best to make little of all this; unless it is clear that there are things going on that a seriously wrong and need rectifying.

bruffin · 05/08/2020 08:38

Dd has lots of friends at uni 3 hours away, but uses megabus so its really cheap to travel She decided sh was homesick one friday evening and was on a bus half an hour later snd was home for the weekend. She comes home if she has tickets for theatre or a gig..
I dont see the issue.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 05/08/2020 08:47

To be honest, from your updates it doesn't seem like she has severe social issues since she can make friends, her travel is cheap, she's independent most of the time and wants to come home once a fortnight at the most. I don't see the problem. If you get her to chip in for bills a wee bit then where's the issue?

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2020 08:59

I can see that you are thinking about what is good for your DD

Can you explain how? Because she’s a financial drain, I was looking forward to my bills going down and I don’t want a repeat of the last three months isn’t really saying that to any one else,

DarkMintChocolate · 05/08/2020 09:01

ITA with Poppinjay! We have a DD, who wanted to go to university more than anything; but fell apart there. She hated hall, where life seemed to revolve around going out to bars drinking; and the fire alarms going off 2 - 3 x a week at 5 am. We know three other introverted girls, who struggled in hall at different universities, because they weren’t into the social life plus alcohol. It took them time to make friends with other quiet people, not into bars and nightclubs.

People mature at different rates.

If I were OP, I’d let DD come home every other week, if that is the support she needs to carry on - it’s better than her dropping out, and being at home all the time!

Original poster
Royalbiscuit · 05/08/2020 09:15

Anyone who says the past 3 months haven't been difficult doesn't have teens at home. They are not representative of real life I know, but as I said in a pp they have made my OP sound more harsh than I intended.

The drop in working tax credit, child benefit and maintenance when they turn 18 is quite steep. If she had stayed at a local uni then we could have arranged rent and other things so we were both happy with it. I suspect the thread will now get derailed with how I shouldn't have had a child if I couldn't afford it.

OP posts:
Poppinjay · 05/08/2020 09:58

It's not about her not being welcome at home, it's about helping her to become more independent.

'Helping' her to become independent may not be appropriate at the moment.

Young people generally become independent without being pushed. They're programmed that way. If she isn't doing that, it's important to understand the reason why and to be sure that pushing her isn't going to make her fall to pieces altogether.

It may be that the visits home are all that got her through last year.

Maybe the new living arrangements will help this year. If they do, she will probably reduce her visits home of her own accord without needing to be encouraged.

However, helping her to become more independent might be about supporting her to come home whenever she needs it, to support her emotional well-being and get her though her degree so she can enter the right career and step away later on.

Yellowfeather · 05/08/2020 10:04

All the people lining up to be an apparently better mother to your daughter make me laugh! I get you, OP. We are lucky enough not to have to worry about money, but it's still tricky to have adult children home for months at a time.

I hope you have gained one or two useful ideas from this thread which will support you and your DD as she goes into the second year.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 05/08/2020 10:06

Sports clubs at uni were a HUGE part of my experience - try to encourage her to get involved in extra-curricular activities

If she's in a shared house with people she likes, she may find that better than halls, and feel more at home.

Pictures of a dog do not make up for seeing the dog :-(

charlaz · 05/08/2020 10:09

I would be absolutely mortified if my mum wrote this about me. I lived 3 hours away for 4 years (for work) when I was 19-22 and visited home every 2 weeks. I had great friends and a great social life, but just missed my mum! She's one of my best friends so why wouldn't I want to go home that often? She's your daughter, I'd be super happy if my child wanted to see me that much and stay close to me.

Staplemaple · 05/08/2020 10:11

Is she paying to travel back? If so and it's every other weekend then it doesn't seem that unusual, if she is expecting you to pay though I guess that's different. There must be societies and clubs at uni, fair enough if she doesn't want to join any, but there's hugely a wide range for a lot of different hobbies etc; I definitely met my close friends through clubs. I also worked weekends and my parents used to get offended I never went home hah. Weekends can be fairly quiet, I loved it though as after work I cracked on with some work and it meant I could go out more during the week without worrying about falling behind, but everyone's different. If she hasn't found a close group of friends it seems reasonable she doesnt want to be stuck in a room by herself. Maybe see how it goes, she might feel differently in a house share.

PulpHorn · 05/08/2020 10:30

I get where you're coming from OP. You want her to be enjoying herself

My sister got very homesick and ended up dropping out and going to a local uni instead. My mum was really upset about it. I was the opposite and from being quite quiet at home immediately loved it and rarely went home despite really loving home (I still do!)

I think the difference is making lots of friends in the uni city. If she makes friends online maybe steer her to online uni groups where she is. I moved to a new area to have DC and find a lot of info about goings on Facebook local mum groups and have since made quite a few friends. We had online chat rooms about our uni back then even before Facebook/Twitter/most social media. Not sure how you could engineer that though. Hopefully a shared house will be less intense than halls and she'll form stronger bonds. My uni housemates are still my best friends after all this time but I'm aware this isn't the norm

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 05/08/2020 10:33

Harsh

BuffaloMozzerella · 05/08/2020 10:37

Is she supposed to moving into a house share now she's going into second year? That might help?

BackwashOfEffluent · 05/08/2020 10:48

I didn’t gel with my year at all and I ended up dropping out of my 2nd year, coming back home, working in bars for a year then going back for another try.

The year I went into was much nicer people who were on my wavelength and I think that extra year made me grow up a bit too.

Some of my biggest mental health challenges of my life were at 18 and 19. Whilst I accept your concerns over the financial impact, she’s still your little girl. I needed my mum way more at 18/19/20 than I ever did at 15/16/17.

Accept she may not be happy and a year out - of her taking a job that will allow her to be paying your bed and board - could do her the world of good.

Just a heads up OP.

unstableunicorn · 05/08/2020 10:50

Maybe have a chat with her about how uni is going and things she could do to enjoy her time there more? Definitely encourage sports societies if she's sporty. It could work out itself though, I was home all the time in first year but barely ever came back the following years! Second year has more pressure and much more studying needed than first ime so she might naturally find herself busier there this year anyway. Especially without the strikes

deFleury · 05/08/2020 10:58

Any chance you can take the dog to visit?

Lots of people are needing help with dog walking due to Covid- could she volunteer or even do some paid dog walking at weekends?

Original poster
Royalbiscuit · 05/08/2020 12:31

Thanks again for all constructive comments, they have been really helpful.
Weve had a chat this morning and she is quite looking forward to moving into her house share. I am quietly confident this will suit her better than halls. Shes probably equally fed up of being here for 3 months as I am.

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 05/08/2020 12:52

House share is much more of a 'normal' life than halls, and probably less likely to cause homesickness - first year is often difficult anyway.

spababe · 05/08/2020 15:26

Wow - there's not 'should' about this. No 'she should not come home'. Who is making the rules??
Every person should be able to have a uni life that suits them and if that means coming home frequently then why not?
If it doesn't suit the OP financially then I think she should have a frank discussion with her adult daughter so that they can together manage the financial implications of her coming home.
My DS comes home pretty frequently and if he wants to do that, I'd hate to harm his mental health by making him not welcome or telling him it's not something he 'should' be doing.

MissJaneLockland · 05/08/2020 16:17

@pilotsprincess

Wow! I can absolutely never imagine feeling this way about my ddShock I hope and pray mine will always want to come home and it will be their home for them always, always open!
Me too! My Dd goes to uni in Sept and the thought of her not feeling like she is welcome back to her own home at any time is just awful.

Those saying she needs to be independent and fly the nest, you do realise that there is a period of time where the parent birds still feed and protect the baby bird after it has flown the nest? Hmmm

Pobblebonk · 05/08/2020 17:16

Those saying she needs to be independent and fly the nest, you do realise that there is a period of time where the parent birds still feed and protect the baby bird after it has flown the nest?

But OP's daughter has had that for over a year. At age 18/19, that should normally be more than enough.