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Original poster

The ABC of university life (2019/20 cohort) - settling in we hope

999 replies

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/09/2019 12:16

Previous thread - sorry about the lame thread title but done in a hurry!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 03/10/2019 08:53

When DS1 left, I posted him photos of his childhood bear getting up to mischief (one night he went clubbing with the PGTips monkeys, one day he did cooking from a Breaking Bad cookbook complete with scattered sugar crystals and baking powder). They always got a response so I knew he was still alive!

Trewser · 03/10/2019 09:01

gin the food lasts a lot longer!! She'll be home in two months and we are seeing her in school half term. It barely feels like anything has changed. As days go by I am starting to feel more and more proud of her though.

mimiasovitch · 03/10/2019 09:40

@dancingdirty you are me last week. She went on the Saturday, seemed fine for a few days then we had a few days of her being very down and very atypically tearful. She's now fine, just a week later. She randomly messages her sister more than us, has started lectures, is still out constantly and is getting used to the new normal. Eats too much cous cous though.

I swear this time last week I was in tears wanting to fix everything, but it's just a time thing.

TailsoftheManyPaws · 03/10/2019 10:08

Our house is so tidy these days

Ours seems to be messier. I think DS2 was the only one with a handle on unprompted clearing-up. And unprompted making of cups of tea.

I need to be careful not to bemoan this too loudly in front of his slightly less housebroken siblings and father, don't I?

Shimy · 03/10/2019 10:50

@Itscoldouthere snap! Everything you said. My biggest worry is the eating. DS forgets to eat and if not for my nagging can go whole a whole day without food then scramble something up at midnight. I’m worried what’s going on now.

Ginfordinner · 03/10/2019 11:19

I must admit that forgetting to eat is something that I can't get my head around. Both DD and I feel sick if we are very hungry, so never forget to eat.

icanbewhatiwant · 03/10/2019 11:30

I'm also not getting much response from mine. He messages with photos of the food he's cooked. One night he'd cooked 2 pieces of salmon, lots of potatoes, an avocado, sweetcorn plus more. I told him well done but that I thought there was enough food for 2 people. So I know he's eating....probably too much. But other than that I have no idea how he is in himself. Most questions I ask don't get answered. He does tell me when he's going to a party, which has been almost every night as they had 2 weeks of freshers parties. I think the last one will be Saturday. So maybe he might have more conversation after that. He must be tired being out late every night/morn. then getting up for lectures.
I've asked how he's getting on, whether he's enjoying it etc. None of it gets answered. It's quite frustrating. We did speak in the phone one day, but he didn't say much then.
He isn't that far away though, so if he doesn't pop home for a weekend soon then I'll go see him as I have a hospital appointment nearby to him in a few weeks.
I'll try sending a photo of the dogs. I'll probably get an emoji reply.

Shimy · 03/10/2019 11:39

@GinfordinnerI think what happens is they get carried away ‘gaming’, stomach gets used to not eating and stops sending the usual signals. It’s very worrying.

Ginfordinner · 03/10/2019 11:40

Ah, I see. DD isn't a gamer.

Numbersarefun · 03/10/2019 14:02

One thing I said to my DD the other day was that if she really hates it, we'd talk about it at Christmas. I felt like I was giving her permission to not like uni, but also that she had to keep going for this 1st term. I don't know if this would help anyone else.

DishingOutDone · 03/10/2019 14:05

@dancingdirty Has anyone got a DC who is struggling? - yes mine is very much, although some days are better than others. She has hardly any lectures/contact time this week and I am worried that is going to be par for the course. She has a self contained flat like a bedsit with her own kitchen etc., in a large student complex but she had a friend there already and most people on her course are in the same complex. She's been out with them several times, I've visited (she's been there 2 weeks), a friend has visited and her boyfriend has visited, in fact he's going to stay there this weekend. All that and she is still unhappy.

I think basically she just would have preferred to live at home, but the course she wanted wasn't available anywhere near home, and its the sort of industry where she must get a degree in the subject in order to get work.

We talk or text every day. I think some young people are just not cut out for this - however, and its a big however, all i wanted to say was yes, some kids are not doing so well and its ok to say that out loud on this thread - I don't think we should be inanely cheerful because that makes people feel worse if their DC are struggling. After only a few days we should of course all be hoping that it will be ok after a few weeks and it may well be.

I think the best tip I had on here was to tell DC how well they are doing, build their confidence, so every "disaster" that DD faces I say look you are doing really well to cope with it (even if it really has been a disaster) and I am hoping that will help. I also tell her to call or text me any time, send photos of the dog etc and tell her it is normal to be a bit anxious and homesick initially.

I am all for travelling hopefully but please do come on for a hand hold if needs be.

DishingOutDone · 03/10/2019 14:09

@Numbersarefun that's good idea - I don't think we ready to have that conversation yet but I admire your thinking there.

If a DC did say they can't cope, what are the options? I mean you are committed to pay for the accommodation (using the maintenance grant etc) and the course for year 1; so that debt is already incurred. But what do you think a young person could do? I was thinking if she could possibly cope with the first year my DD could at a push transfer to a slightly difference course near home for the 2nd year? But otherwise are you simply taking the hit with the student loan and then looking for a new plan?

justasking111 · 03/10/2019 14:26

DS room finally painted, spent the morning emptying cupboards, drawers, wardrobes, found three spiders eek. Decided to rewash everything he had left behind because it was all in such a mess in the drawers.

Ingles2 · 03/10/2019 14:33

Oh I am sorry to see how worried some of you are... I really would recommend jollying them along though, .. for most, this will be just a temporary loneliness and they need the experience of dealing with highs and lows without parents jumping in to deal with it all... stay strong guys... they can do this!
my 2 are throwing themselves into it all which is great... I think this is probably the result of growing up in a very rural farmhouse and not having the opportunity to be independent really. They've not had the chance to hang out with friends, bike round to a park and there really is nothing happening somewhere as rural as us.. So, Ds1 has joined football, rowing and mountaineering so far... and we can see Ds2 joined poker at Durham freshers yesterday!!!! Grin

Trewser · 03/10/2019 14:48

DishingOutDone what degree is she doing that is essential and yet has very little contact time? Or haven't lectures started yet? It is very very early days. Dd has thrown herself into it (like Ingles we are rural and i think it makes things more exciting!) but its such early days she could crash and have a massive wobble. I think slowly slowly acclimatising is quite sensible really.

justasking111 · 03/10/2019 14:52

We are also rural so that may make a difference to their wide eyed experience at the beginning. Time will tell.

AvenueQ · 03/10/2019 15:06

Another worried one here. Dd still hasn't made any significant connections to anyone yet. She's joined societies and lectures have started and she's going to all those, but then she's back at her room. I don't understand why she doesn't get chatting to people but I don't want to probe too much for fear of making her feel like a failure

justasking111 · 03/10/2019 15:15

No say nothing your DD is just discerning much better to proceed slowly than jump in and have to furiously retreat.

simbobs · 03/10/2019 15:17

Maybe the flatmates aren't chatty, as is the case with my DS. I haven't had an update but he complained of never seeing any of them.

Mustbetimeforachange · 03/10/2019 15:33

It's hard I think, it is all built up to such an exciting time. Although they have these flats (often) with a kitchen/living area and 7, 10 or however many rooms, the doors are somehow very solid (I'm not explaining this very well) and when they are shut you don't really know if anyone is in there. My DS seems to have struck lucky (luckier than DD & DS1) and says they spend a fair bit of time hanging out in their kitchen (which is lovely & very large, with sofas etc in it), but that he had met other people inthe same halls who never saw any of their flat mates. It's very easy in this day & age to hide in your room, either gaming or watching netflix. We had no such options so had to get out there. Of course, my DS could end up hating his flatmates (DD did, after a good start).
Big hugs to those whose DCs are struggling, but this is something they have to sort out for theselves. They may find their crowd at lectures, or at societies. Some of my best times at uni were hanging out between lectures, although I know for DD this didn't happen either, they had 3 hour lectures & then went home.
It's early days yet & things should start to settle down now.

bigTillyMint · 03/10/2019 15:36

@AvenueQ, in RL it takes time to build strong friendships, especially if you are more introverted. I'd do like Dishing says and praise her for going to lectures etc, encourage her to smoke at others and reassure her that it takes time.

DS has finally phoned me - had a 15min chat, and he's loving it. We thought he'd be fine with the socialising, but it's going to be a bump down to earth when lectures start. He says they do 5pt pitchers in the bar for £5.70 Shock so he's not spent too much so far Wink

bigTillyMint · 03/10/2019 15:37

Smoke??? SMILE!!!

bengalcat · 03/10/2019 15:52

Mine rang last night from the kitchen as she prepared her microwaveable curry from Tesco - she was proud it was only £2 and came with an onion bhaji . She enjoyed matriculation except waiting in the cold for ‘ an hour ‘ , joined the playing cards and hillwalking socs and looking forward to going clubbing tonight . Seems to have made some friends in another house . Missing the animals .

HoldMyLobster · 03/10/2019 15:56

I don't think my DD has made close friends yet. She's just settling in, finding out what she enjoys, and looking for interesting opportunities. She's been there nearly a month now.

Ironically I'm flying today and will be connecting flights in Chicago, but not quite for long enough that it's worth us trying to get together. It'll be frustrating to be a half hour drive away from her but not see her.

Alicatz66 · 03/10/2019 16:06

@Ingles2 .. good advice I !! I'm going to jolly myself along in fact and stop fretting .