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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

The ABC of university life (2019/20 cohort) - settling in we hope

999 replies

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 26/09/2019 12:16

Previous thread - sorry about the lame thread title but done in a hurry!

OP posts:
Serin · 02/10/2019 21:34

Sorry to hear about your sons experience Piggy.
DS is coming home this weekend for a birthday party. He is bringing 3 weeks worth of washing with him. He says that his room is full of silver fish insects and is worried that he might bring some stowaways home with him.
Think I might send him back with a can of indorex. Yuck.Hmm

DrMadelineMaxwell · 02/10/2019 21:47

Photos from york today of pot plants and posters dd was looking at for her room.
Then a message saying that her card had been declined. Luckily we gave her some funds to get started so she had cash back in her room. She has requested a new card. The old one was just damaged and all is well as far as her bank is concerned.
But shes on cash for a few days. Or she has her amazon credit if needed.

She went back for her posters though.

mum2eim · 02/10/2019 21:57

@Tinseltrauma I think you summed it all up perfectly, thank you. I feel better this evening with my other two DC to concentrate on. I wasn't in work today which probably made it worse but I've been a bit distracted anyway.
@Witchend yes my DD unlikely to ask anyone to take a photo of her - she will hardly let me take one of her! Not heard anything from her today though. Would just like to know she's had a meal!
I listened to a great podcast today that basically said when kids of any age have a moan at us, they don't necessarily want us to come up with a solution, more acknowledge their emotion and empathise. I think that's the way I'm going to handle any calls now, rather than try and fix things. Less likely to say the wrong thing which is what I think DH did on Monday.
It will all be OK and nothing that cake and wine won't fix!

dancingdirty · 02/10/2019 22:00

Has anyone got a DC who is struggling?
DD only been gone since Saturday and was ok for for the first few days bit seems very down now.
Worried about her

mum2eim · 02/10/2019 22:11

@dancingdirty sending you a hug 🤗. Not sure if my DD struggling or not as she’s not been in contact. There is a risk she might be. My friends DS is a bit isolated. He’s in a hall of residence and seems to be having meals on his own. Went to a concert on his own but appears upbeat.
I’m sure there are lots of students who are struggling but I suppose they put On a brave face to each other. I’ve no answers but I hope your DD settles soon.

doorwaytoparadise · 02/10/2019 22:43

@dancingdirty I hope things get better for your DD. Is the problem a loneliness/social one? Remind her that freshers isn’t the be all and end all - there’ll be so many more opportunities to get to know people and bond with them. Encourage her to talk with her friends back home/at other unis, their support could boost her mood?

WheelDecide · 02/10/2019 22:47

Getting fed up with the lack of communication now.

dancingdirty · 02/10/2019 22:47

Thank you both. It's early days so really hoping she settles.
I think she feels lonely although seems to be getting on ok with people in her flat. But she said they aren't her friends
I have said they may well end up good friends and there will be loads she hasn't met yet.
She has gone out tonight so I feel slightly better. Last night she was in on her own

justasking111 · 02/10/2019 23:33

Those fed up of the lack of communication reminded me of a very old joke that still makes me laugh.

"An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

WheelDecide · 03/10/2019 06:12

@justasking111 Grin

WheelDecide · 03/10/2019 06:14

@dancingdirty is she local to you? I'm not sure what helps in this situation, maybe a visit?

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 03/10/2019 06:49

@Witchend and @mum2eim DS is the same. He never takes photos. Went on a holiday with his friends in the summer and didn't take one photo that wasn't landscape. The 'selfie' culture seems to have passed by some of our DC!

OP posts:
bigTillyMint · 03/10/2019 07:42

@dancingdirty, sorry your DD is struggling and you are worrying about her - it is a big step. I bet they will all have their moments.

Apparently DS faced timed DH (who was on the bus home after a night out) - witj his mates, still in their suits after Matriculation- going clubbing. So I think he's ok

simbobs · 03/10/2019 07:47

Mine is already asking for money for gym fees. I think he is surprised at how much he has spent so far. He gets the least loan amount in the 1st term when the outgoings are higher through freshers etc. I think he has realised that he cannot afford to come home and see his gf again.

simbobs · 03/10/2019 07:58

I meant to say that I am finding it hard to work out how well he has settled as he only contacts me with a problem or a request but my attempts to find out anything are met with monosyllabic replies. So all I have found out in the last few days is that he has attended all of his lectures, and that he can't find his Docs shoe polish (which I know was packed).

I'm going to ring him when I'm back home next week and try to have a proper conversation.

notaflyingmonkey · 03/10/2019 08:12

DirtyDancing yes, my DS is struggling. I think he thought it would all be brilliant from day one, and because it wasn't, he has retreated. He has ASD which means for him that small talk is virtually impossible, plus he doesn't drink, and so I think his flatmates think he is strange.

I've also remembered something that his speech therapist told me when he was little and didn't speak, it wasn't because he couldn't, but because he didn't see the point in answering my closed questions. So instead of texting him things like are you up yet, what have you eaten, I'm texting things like I'm sat on the train wet through from the rain, or I've just made a healthy salad that you would hate. It's those that get responses.

Alicatz66 · 03/10/2019 08:22

@simbobs .. my DS still uncommunicative! He always has been but it does worry me as I just want to know he's ok .. brief text exchange yesterday but didn't answer when I rang.. going to hope he's ok and leave him to it for a few days !! DD went to see him at weekend and said he was fine .. but it is difficult isn't it .

MrKlaw · 03/10/2019 08:24

@Benjispruce well yes, but he also has a door wedge as recommended by so many so his room won't be locked all the time. Just feels like student accommodation is much less secure than your own home.

TailsoftheManyPaws · 03/10/2019 08:33

Do you have pets? I find a photo of the dog or kittens will lure DS into responding.

Sympathies to all those struggling students and tense parents. Sometimes it gets easier, sometimes a rethink is needed when it’s clearly not working out, but right now it’s probably too early to know.

DS2 sounds like he’s thriving despite parts of the course being ‘pretentious’, not getting a module he wanted, broken heating and messy flat mates. I’m left wondering just how bad his home life felt, given how happy he is to be away!

Ginfordinner · 03/10/2019 08:37

I agree about pets. I sometimes send DD a photo of next door's cat, who visits us frequently. She is a gorgeous friendly little thing and loves a cuddle.

Itscoldouthere · 03/10/2019 08:41

@notaflyingmonkey that’s very interesting re the closed questions, my DS is the same I just get yes, no or nothing.
My DS is happy with the odd phone call or WhatsApp video which really helps me but I only call one or twice a week or he thinks I’m fussing!
I do worry about him, he’s not eating very well, but at least seems reasonably happy, he’s a gamer so has always spent evening with online friends, I expect he’s still doing that now, as being a non drinker means he’s not out partying.

Ginfordinner · 03/10/2019 08:45

I worry that DD is eating too well. She is an excellent cook, and has shared some of the cooking with the other vegetarian in her flat. As a bit of a foodie myself I have indoctrinated her into watching cookery shows and taken her to many food festivals. This is the only area of her being away that I am not in the least bit worried about.

She messaged me yesterday asking if she could freeze spinach. She loves nearly all vegetables so I know she is getting at least some of her 5 a day. I think she eats too many carbs though.

simbobs · 03/10/2019 08:48

I am very experienced in uncommunicative offspring. DD (3rd year) never responds at all and I know she is having some problems at her foreign uni. I think she feels like admitting to having issues is a sign of weakness. If she talked things through beforehand she would get more perspective.
DS is much better on the whole. I have been sending him chatty messages - though confess that I may not have helped matters yesterday by telling him how much he would have loved the trip we did. Perhaps he may be a little homesick.

Trewser · 03/10/2019 08:51

I don't feel as though dd has actually left. It hasn't sunk in. I think I'm half expecting her to chuck it in and come home.

Ginfordinner · 03/10/2019 08:53

Same Trewser. DD has spent a lot of time away from home over the last year, so I am used to her not being around. Our house is so tidy these days Grin