How often does your uni child contact you?

[Beanjar]

My eldest started uni last week and I'm just wondering how often they make contact?

I don't want to be in his face or push him away. I've messaged 3 x times this last week but I could have easily messaged his hourly. 😣

He's seen the WhatsApp messages (2 x blue ticks) but no replies. I've tried calling him once but he was obviously too busy to answer my call.

Is it a boy thing or because he's aspergers? He's never been great with messages or phone calls, he doesn't do social media but he's great face to face, if the subject interests him.

How do I know he's doing okay?

No news is good news. It must be really difficult, though. My oldest is 16 and I know he’ll be like this when he goes to uni. I’m trying to think how I’d like to handle it — I’d probably send a long chatty letter and home-made cakes once a term, and then give him passive-aggressive guilt-trips every holiday for not staying in touch 😂

No lots never reply.
Mine does when she wants something.
I found sending jokes and funny thing NGS that happen at home tend to get a reply.

It sounds totally normal to me. Both of ours went off and were hardly heard from in the first 3 weeks. After that, they remembered that we existed and began to answer their phones and arrange visits or trips home. We managed the odd Skype/FaceTime with them too. I think it’s all just so new & exciting at first.

No experience yet of my own DCs going away but to put it into context (and in the days before mobiles) I didn't speak to my Mum once for the first four weeks I was at Uni! She must have been going spare but honestly I was too wrapped up in myself & all the newness & excitement to think about it too much. If my DCs do this it will be hard not to jump in the car, I admit!

When my SDCs went away they spoke to their Dad at least once a week or when they needed something.

Maybe try and get him to agree to a regular slot once a week where you have a catch up & if he can't speak then he at least texts you?

In the meantime repeat the mantra "no news is good news" as I do when DCs away on no contact school trips, it's hard not to worry, I know! Un-MN hugs to you x

I’d set a weekly schedule if I were you

I don’t know what is normal but I remember that on the first weeks away from my family as a student, I didn’t want to talk to them because it made me feel homesick and extremely lonely, even when I have never been close to them. Once I was more settled I had no problem in having more contact.

I don’t think it is uncommon, some of my students say that constant calls and visits in the first term made things worse rather than better. So I would say, hang in there and wait until they are ready (or as the nursery nurse told me on the day I first left DS at nursery: it will be ok, the kids are always ok, it is the mother’s who struggle )

Just asked child about why she never called..
Answer.. couldn't be bothered.

I send memes cat pictures etc and those gets a reply sometimes I threaten her with....REPLY TO ME OR IM CALLING YOUR FRIEND! she sends me a laughing emoji and I know she is there

When my dd was at university, the more often she got in touch the unhappier she was. So I simultaneously delighted and miserable when I didn’t hear from her. Very mixed emotions!

If he didn’t have Aspergers I wouldn’t be worried. But it’s very possible as he isn’t good with phones he may not contact you when needed. How easy would it be to go and meet him one weekend?

I rarely called my mum when I was at uni

My sons hardly contact/ed me at all. Sometimes just two or three short sentences per term. The eldest is very reserved verbally anyway, but the younger I would have expected more from, but it seems to be a case of out of sight out of mind. I'm not happy about it but I know I can raise him if I need to and he is happy and settled.

My daughter I hear from a lot more often. She sometimes video calls when we are eating and joins in with our conversation. I probably speak to her more days than not, to some degree of another.

I've told mine he has to facetime every Saturday, and send a few texts each week, or at least reply to the ones I'll be sending! We'll see....

Mine went to boarding for 6th form so I'm used to less contact but calls me 2-3 times a week and/or sends photos etc. Generally she "needs" something at least once a week

Completely normal, particularly for boys.

My ds didn't message once in first year unless he wanted something but he was home every weekend as he had sports commitments. Similar in second year. In third year, I got a very occasional call for a chat as he wasn't home as much but it usually only happened if I had called him a week or two before so it kind of prompted him.

He's in final year now and went back about a month ago as he had placement before starting. I called him yesterday and that was the first time we spoke since he went. There were a couple of texts but that was it.

Dd has just started 2 weeks ago and she has initiated contact a bit more. I did send her one text asking was she dead or just busy but that was because she got a serious infection and I had asked her to let me know how she was feeling and she hadn't.

DS1 is going to Uni soon, I require him to phone us once every week at the weekend, he agrees it. Hopefully he will do this. His dad phone grandparents every weekend, this should have set an example for him.

I would expect to exchange text message very often though, it's not much effort required for a quick reply to tell us he is doing fine. Although I think these may only for the first few weeks.

Usually only if she needs money, or is telling me about some spectacular exam/course-work grade.

I rarely called my mum when I was at uni

Same here. However, that was in the nineteen-eighties, when there were no phones in student houses/flats and payphones were mostly vandalized or hadn't had their coin-boxes emptied. Of course, in those days the only "mobile" phones were in salemen's cars and had batteries weighing a couple of kilograms.

DS2 is about to start his 3rd year. In the first term he never made contact or respond to texts (standard from.him so no great surprise). He has been a bosporatic since then, will sometimes reply to WhatsApp messages but never initiates them.

I made an effort to send him really nice postcards with a quick message on the back each week. When we went to pick him up at end of first term all the postcards were pinned on his noticeboard message-side out. When asked hin why he'd done that rather than show the pictures he said it wtas because he like to read the messages from me!

He was quite shy and I did worry about him when he first went but he was fine.

If you are worried about your ds though, do try and speak to him direct. He's probably having a great time but if he's not then he might appreciate you talking to him. Are you near enough to schedule a Sunday lunch in a couple of weeks?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo. How will you send the cakes and package them out of interest?

Early days, but I'm trying to keep contact regular, brief and chatty.

I bought a couple of plastic boxes that a cake from one of my tins fitted in very snugly. Then just wrapped it in bubble wrap and brown paper- always arrived intact! No plastic box home for the holidays, no cake next term.

We have a family text/ message thread. She sometimes sends individual messages too. Every month or whatever she might FaceTime for an hour. It’s reassuring to see her face, but I know she’s ok. We don’t really do phone calls. Messages here and there work better.

"Requiring" a phone call every week is a bit off. No offence but that would have felt like an extra stressful pressure point for me and people I know!

I like the family whatsapp group idea. That's probably something you need to get in the habit of ahead of time though.