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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

How often does your uni child contact you?

64 replies

Beanjar · 16/09/2019 08:41

My eldest started uni last week and I'm just wondering how often they make contact?

I don't want to be in his face or push him away. I've messaged 3 x times this last week but I could have easily messaged his hourly. 😣

He's seen the WhatsApp messages (2 x blue ticks) but no replies. I've tried calling him once but he was obviously too busy to answer my call.

Is it a boy thing or because he's aspergers? He's never been great with messages or phone calls, he doesn't do social media but he's great face to face, if the subject interests him.

How do I know he's doing okay?

OP posts:
SistersOfMerci · 16/09/2019 15:01

When she felt like it, sometimes a quick chat daily via text sometimes every three weeks or so.

I've sent her parcels of stuff. They do receive post in halls.

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 15:05

Yes, family WhatsApp is good- dp and I make a point of putting random stuff on it on about the animals and things on a regular basis so the dc can see what’s going on without having to do anything. I really wouldn’t try to put any set times for contact - it’s a recipe for either resentment, guilt or anxiety depending on the personality involved!

bengalcat · 16/09/2019 15:09

She’s not there yet but I might anticipate / expect a WhatsApp text 1-2 a fortnight I guess . If I read something funny in the new or online I’ll prob take a picture and send it to her - much as I do now .

Summersunshine2 · 16/09/2019 15:35

Definitely set up family WhatsApp. You can check if he reads it. Text about family news, funny memes, football or other hobby news. Random stuff!
I too think a weekly phone is too much pressure.
Also when dc ring put it on loud speaker if there is more than one of you to talk to. Don't make them repeat everything twice to both parents! And keep it brief if they don't want to talk long!

CassianAndor · 16/09/2019 15:41

summerflower2 do come back to us to let everyone know how you get on with that...

ErrolTheDragon · 16/09/2019 17:50

DD phones us roughly once a week - sometimes brief, sometimes (ie when there's no one more interesting to talk toGrin) for a long witter. I'm very much on the page of 'no news is good news' but if DH starts to get twitchy I can usually think of a short text in the form of a question (not just 'how are you' or 'are you ok') which will elicit a response.

WheelDecide · 16/09/2019 17:51

@BertrandRussell. Hmm, travelling home by train possibly, so don't think I'd see tins or boxes again. Maybe I'll do flapjack or something.

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 17:53

Dd just packed the boxes in with her clothes. They came home faithfully every time. Never underestimate the power of cake!

SistersOfMerci · 16/09/2019 18:11

Erroll yes I do that too, usually along the lines of "blah is on at the theatre would you be interested in coming along with me? "

If she sees it's in her cultural interests I will always get a reply because I'll be paying 🙄

MrKlaw · 16/09/2019 18:37

@EmmaGrundyForPM made me well up with that bit with the messages facing out on the noticeboard. DS1 going away this weekend - our first out of the nest

TonTonMacoute · 16/09/2019 19:24

A few times a week, and always by Messenger app. He never phones for a chat. I get sent a lot of cat videos. He is also a keen photographer puts his photos on instagram, so I can see he's having a good time with friends.

No news is definitely good news where he is concerned.

BertrandRussell · 16/09/2019 19:25

I can’t tell you how useful pets are- mine will always respond to a message from the dog.....

TonTonMacoute · 16/09/2019 19:28

I can’t tell you how useful pets are- mine will always respond to a message from the dog...

This is so true! DS misses my cooking and the cats when he is away...

EmmaGrundyForPM · 16/09/2019 19:33

@MrKlaw I was torn between laughing and crying! He is such a "toughie" in some ways (6'2", broad. super-independent) yet still vulnerable.

I hope your ds has a ball at uni.

Witchend · 16/09/2019 19:35

It's actually a good sign. The people I know whose dc have been replying and phoning a lot generally haven't made as good friends.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/09/2019 19:36

I have three dses all away at uni. They are very different at communicating.

Ds1 - always texting, what’s apping, phoning. Just really busy and on the go, and that includes social media.

Ds2 - very rarely hear from him, only when he wants something. I miss him a lot, but it’s just not in him to be in touch all the time. He’s like it with friends from home too.

Ds3 - a mixture of ds1 and ds2. Fairly often instigates a text convo, always replies quickly when I text/what’s app him.

It’s comforting to hear others are in the same boat with some non communicators.

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 16/09/2019 20:31

Mine is about to enter year 3 and she calls me every day. If it's not a call, it's WhatsApp messages throughout the day or she FaceTimes. I don't insist on this by the way - it's just how she is. She likes to check in for a few mins each day - it'd be much longer but I say ' can I go now?' when I've heard enough Grin

And she's busy. She has a part time job and driving lessons and sees her friends but always time to hassle your mum in this house!

My youngest is 12 and a boy so we are some way off this now. I suspect he will be similar though

PrettyFlyF0rAWiFi · 16/09/2019 20:33

I'm a amazed by all these comments! Literally all of them with kids who don't bother at all or only under duress.

Flurgle · 16/09/2019 20:40

One responded with proof of life once a week.
One messages me daily, facetimes sometimes, always responds.
I suspect last one will be somewhere in the middle.
Just how they are 🤷🏻‍♀️ odd that they are so different!

Rachelover60 · 16/09/2019 20:57

Most days. Depends what he's doing.

Rachelover60 · 16/09/2019 21:02

Take no notice of me, I need my eyes tested. I completely overlooked the 'uni' bit; mine isn't at uni, he's nearly forty.

ShanghaiDiva · 17/09/2019 01:01

ds is going into year two and we use the Chinese app wechat to keep in touch. We hear from him several times per week - sometimes it's just a photo of something he has cooked or a short message, but we usually speak to him on a Sunday. He is 5000 miles from home so evidence that he is still alive is appreciated!

Grandmi · 17/09/2019 11:39

Work on the basis no news is good news . The first few weeks they are finding their feet and probably knackered!! I generally left my children alone and waited to hear from them ...nothing more soul destroying than having a one way monosyllabic call with DC !!! TBH alarm bells rang for me when one of mine called home nearly every day in third year about nothing in particular and DC had to come home with MH problems. All is good now and finished degree nearer home after deferring for a year . Just text occasionally and try and relax...it’s hard .

MrKlaw · 17/09/2019 11:58

This is all honestly reassuring. We're assuming DS will ignore us mostly, but we'll take it as 'settling in' or 'being distracted by enjoying himself'.

We have a family whatsapp group but its mainly 'who's making tea?' so he might drop off/mute that one. Might set up one for more general sharing of stuff.

gospa · 17/09/2019 12:07

I echo what Teddybear says re his Aspergers and not being good at messages and calls. I would message saying you are planning to visit and see if that gets a response. No response to that and I think you should visit.

Speaking from experience with my DS with Aspergers who had got completely overwhelmed and needed support. (He did have some mental health issues) He had stopped taking calls and reading texts or emails. Luckily his uni was quite local so not a long trip to check on him - and he was very relieved we’d taken the initiative.