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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Help...DS feels a complete failure with AABB...

144 replies

AnotherNameChange1001 · 24/08/2018 10:03

Bad day last week. He was predicted AAAA and got AABB.
He missed the A by 5 UMS, but the As by more.

He was meant to be going to Durham Uni (AAA), but has now accepted a place in clearing at York.
All his original offers were A*AA or AAA so he didn't have an insurance offer (school said it 'wasn't needed' as he would be fine for 3As).

He is putting on a brave face, but I know he is gutted. All his friends are going to Oxbridge/Top 5 unis.

It has been a horrible week. Other parents don't know what to say to us: "York is a lovely city", "perhaps he can do a Masters at Durham if he does well" etc

How big a deal is really that he's now going to a Top 20 uni rather than a Top 5 one? York seems to have a good reputation for his subject.

OP posts:

Oscha · 25/08/2018 21:19

I have now looked at four university ranking guides. Durham is in the top 10 in all of them and York is not in the top 10 in any of them. The highest ranking is 12th that I could find. The lowest was 21st. So take your pick.

BUT, ten years ago York was number 1 for my subject, and top 5 in the country. In another ten years, perhaps the UCL will be number 1. And in another ten, the Edinburgh. The point is, these rankings change yearly and an employer in a few years is simply going to look at his CV, see ‘well respected university X’ and tick a box. They’re not going to suck their teeth and say ‘ah, well in 2018 York was only number 12 so unfortunately you’re unemployable. If only you’d gone in 2019 when it was number 4. Sucks to be you.’

Oscha · 25/08/2018 21:20

^ unnecessary ‘the’ x2 😆

Oscha · 25/08/2018 21:25

And for what it’s worth, I turned down Durham in order to go to York and have had a successful, happy life. A friend turned down Cambridge, also to go to York, and is now a top barrister. Another failed to get into Oxford, went to York instead, and is now a politician. We’re all fine 😉

CreamCol0uredP0nies · 25/08/2018 21:45

I do understand the disappointment when expectations and hopes have been different.
And I also recognise the type of parent you describe, who are best avoided in all circumstances.
My DH employs a significant number of Oxbridge graduates but the most promising young person atm is a young man with a degree from York University.
He is obviously bright, tenacious and has superior ‘people skills’ to his Oxbridge counterparts.
There are many different qualities which make someone effective, interesting and employable.
I would argue that this experience may be the making of your DS and that he should grab the chance to go to York with both hands and make the most of the opportunity.
I should add that my youngest DC has thrown us something of a curve ball this past week.
He missed his first choice by 1 grade, changed his mind about his insurance offer and is now going to York University.
I couldn’t be more proud of him.

BertrandRussell · 25/08/2018 22:12

Loving the "hairpin dropping" going on here! I am sure there are websites where you can read up all the correct terminology so you don't get caught out......

user1471450935 · 25/08/2018 23:50

Op, he will be fine. York is a brilliant city and the university well thought off.
But Christ if AABB, is a failure, then Ds1 CCCD, must be useless, but that's what he was predicted, and we in our house are celebrating, like he won the pools. Though we had failure at GCSE and AS levels, and 2 rethinks over career choice.
I think Failure was wrong word and very offensive to 100000's of other kids, most who never get A levels.
If you had asked my grandparents or parents for advise on this, they would have told you and your son to Count his blessings.

Wonderwine · 26/08/2018 09:11

OP - I totally get this (although agree with others that he will quickly move on and have a fab time at York).
It IS all about context, and saying 'get a grip' or 'count your blessings' doesn't really help. Your son knows he hasn't done as well as expected. He may be kicking himself for not working harder or misjudging what was required to get his grades, he is probably also angry, embarrassed and feeling sad for the life he now won't have at one particular university and hasn't yet completely bought into his new one.
Is he at a high performing independent school? If so, the pressure for top grades and all the talk about Oxbridge and Russell Group Unis can be overwhelming. At ours over 60% of all grades are A\A so yes, AABB would be considered below average and disappointing for someone predicted AAAA.
FWIW I don't think you our friends necessarily sound horrible. I think it's a very weird time around results. If your child has got 4A*s and is off to their top choice then anything you say to someone whose child has missed their grades risks sounding smug and patronising (even if that's not the intention).
It sounds as if your son is already moving on and getting into the York mindset- good for him and good luck - I'm sure he will do I well!

TonTonMacoute · 27/08/2018 14:15

The same thing happened to me years ago (different universities), and it all turned out fine. York is an excellent university and I’m sure he won’t even give it moments thought once he is immersed in Freshers Week.

We have to learn to deal with these disappointments in life, and in the long term it will be good for him to find that they are often not as bad as he hadn’t feared.

I hope he has a great time at York.

Piggywaspushed · 27/08/2018 19:54

Well, I went to York , and usually get an oooooo face when I tell people. I feel like shit now (only joking).

It is full of so called Oxbridge rejects but has a higher level of state school students than Durham, which also is.

The sutdents I teach who actually applied to York are high fliers and were typically given offers of A*AA to go there. They were delighted to get places.

Your DS is extraordinarily lucky to have got into York through clearing!

Disclaimer : am a state school teacher so do not ahve amazing job despite degree from 'fine university'

Piggywaspushed · 27/08/2018 19:59

Ah cantkeep, I also got that letter from York!

My DF went to Durham and got an ordinary degreee in geology! He now lectures in marketing. So not sure what Durham did for him. That was many moons ago though, of course.

Buglife · 29/08/2018 11:04

@Oscha is your ex York friend a Tory MP by any chance?! Because said Tory MP was in the room opposite me in halls in York. My husband also went to York and got a 2:2 and now earns loads in an investment bank if that’s the kind of stuff you want to hear OP... I earned nowt in the public sector myself and am now currently a SAHM but I am happy!

purplegreen99 · 29/08/2018 21:41

Same thing happened to my friend's daughter - same predictions, same actual grades, but all of her friends knew exactly what to say: "congratulations x, those are amazing grades, you will have a fantastic time at [the uni you got through clearing]".

Of course it's a shock and a disappointment, but, as others have said, York is a great city and the uni has a good reputation, and AABB IS amazing and something to celebrate. It's very sad if your ds's friends or other parents' reactions are making him feel he's failed in some way.

BirdintheWings · 30/08/2018 17:56

Oh, lord, he can join my niece in the melodrama stakes -- predicted 4xA*, got AABB, has flatly refused to go to her reserve choice and is irritatingly determined to see her entire life as being over. Meanwhile DS (predicted BBC and got it) would be really quite pleased to swap.

Original poster

AnotherNameChange1001 · 30/08/2018 19:57

Hi, OP here. Two weeks after results and I thought I'd give an update.

I have been impressed by DS's attitude. After the initial shock and disappointment, he completely picked himself up and has embraced his 'new' university choice. He's been busy 'meeting' other new freshers online, researching clubs he wants to join and doing some initial reading for his course. Two weeks seems a long time ago now!
I think this may be a wake up call for him regarding how he works in the future, as he has always had a bit of a tendency to do 'just enough' work and obviously this time he misjudged it!

OP posts:

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 30/08/2018 20:02

If your friends haven’t commented, it’s because there’s nothing to comment on; not because they’re speechless with awkwardness at your horrendous situation.
Get a grip of yourself, fgs.

Wonderwine · 30/08/2018 20:18

Ah, greyhound another 'get a grip' poster who hasn't bothered to read the thread...

Friends feel awkward in these situations because they know your DC is disappointed and saying "well done" could be seen as being smug or disingenuous... sometimes best to give it time for the student to get over the initial disappointment and look forward to the future (which it sounds as if the OP's DS is now doing...)

Good for him - I hope he has a great time OP!

Justanothermile · 30/08/2018 20:52

Nice compassionate post there greyhound.

Lancelottie · 30/08/2018 21:28

Hé sounds like he had his head screwed on properly and will do well, OP - good luck to him!

voilets · 30/08/2018 21:39

Really nice to hear your DC is so positive. Good luck to him.

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