Help...DS feels a complete failure with AABB...

[AnotherNameChange1001]

Bad day last week. He was predicted AAAA and got AABB.
He missed the A by 5 UMS, but the As by more.

He was meant to be going to Durham Uni (AAA), but has now accepted a place in clearing at York.
All his original offers were A*AA or AAA so he didn't have an insurance offer (school said it 'wasn't needed' as he would be fine for 3As).

He is putting on a brave face, but I know he is gutted. All his friends are going to Oxbridge/Top 5 unis.

It has been a horrible week. Other parents don't know what to say to us: "York is a lovely city", "perhaps he can do a Masters at Durham if he does well" etc

How big a deal is really that he's now going to a Top 20 uni rather than a Top 5 one? York seems to have a good reputation for his subject.

York is a MUCH nicer and more fun city than Durham, It might sound like a platitude to him but actually its true... he will have so much more fun there. Hes done very well and if it were me id have a word with him about how insulting it is to people who actually struggle to get good grades to act like AABB is somehow sub par.

Going against the grain slightly but if you're expected to be a straight A student then AABB does FEEL like a failure. Of course it isn't, but for him it feels that way.

In the fullness of time I'm sure all will be fine and he'll love York and do very well but for now allow him to feel his disappointment and grieve the loss of what he thought he would have.

Assuming he's been to the type of school where these things matter, then he will be feeling terrible and less able than his peers. That's a hard thing to feel for any of us at any time.

I went to Cambridge and now work part time on the voluntary sector for a pittance and had a period unemployed, if that makes anyone feel better.

His grades were still very good, but I see it’s a shock and it’s never nice to set your heart on something and not manage to achieve it.
However, as others have said, I really don’t see any difference between Durham and York. As a city, I would actually choose York above Durham. I can’t see this having any affect on his future job prospects (unless the course is vastly different - in which case the course alone can determine job prospects).
Keep reassuring your son and hopefully he’ll soon realise that York is just as good as Durham

The advantage of being disappointed now, is that your Ds will learn not to coast.

Grit, and independent thought are what’s important, and with an early life lesson not to count his chickens before they’re hatched, he’ll do fine.

I can well understand and sympathise with his grade disappointment. But the behaviour of friends and the "less academic" comments about York I have no sympathy with at all. And the not having an insurance was daft. If his school really advised that they need their collective heads examining.

My DS just missed out on Durham, but had York as insurance. He is feeling a bit flat I think, which I understand as it is that loss of a visualised future that they have to deal with. He had done an overnight offerholders thing at Durham, so had had a concrete experience. I don't think there is a way of speeding through the 'grief'. We've just sat and looked through his timetable (partially populated atm) and I think that has helped move him on a bit. Will do the shopping for uni next week. Just hoping the excitement will grow a bit as starting date gets nearer. But of course nerves will build too....

Definite plus is accommodation cost - over £2,000 cheaper for year one.

Durham is actually a pretty rubbish university. Far far bellow the LSEs and Obridges and what have you. I know someone who used to work there as well as at better universities and worse ones. Apparently the kids at Durham were a bit thick as we're the long term faculty. It's really not any better than York, just better publicised.

There’s a been a few of these posts the last few days and I’m feeling a bit about them.
It’s either stealth boasting or we really are raising a generation with zero resilience or humility.

“Durham is actually a pretty rubbish university.”

Yeah, course it is. Absolute rubbish.

The important thing is not to let him know you're sad or disappointed. York is a brilliant city.

Most of the time I feel I fit in ok on MN and that in RL I have good aspirations for my kids, then I see threads like this and feel like I inhabit a different universe. I'd burst with joy if my child got those results, I will burst with joy if they get far less. To be in a circle of people that don't know what to say to one another because one of them got slightly less than predicted grades and will have to go to a different amazing university than the other amazing university they had in mind...the idea of this level of disappointment and devastation at those grades and subsequent opportunities just blows my mind.

"The important thing is not to let him know you're sad or disappointed"

I'm not sure I agree with this. Our DCs are not stupid, they can spot fake positivity and enthusiasm a mile off.

I think it's fine and normal for your DC to see that you are sad and disappointed FOR them, but not IN them. After that you need to support them through the sadness into seeing the positives and moving on.

I agree Holly. Dd1 had glandular fever and is having to do an extra year in the 6th form. She did one A level this year and we've just found out she got a C. We are so so happy for her.

I was talking to a sports assessor last week and she was saying that teens nowadays just aren't used to failing at anything. I'm beginning to think she's right.

He has achieved fantastic grades. How sad that he (and you?) perceive this as failure. I am shocked that some students and parents are so obsessed with the sometimes undeserved reputations of certain institutions and the opinions of others on their grades, it all seems very distasteful. Grades, fantastic though your son’s were, are just one step on a long road that will have many turns. York is an amazing city, what kind of person would commiserate with him for securing a place there? I despair of the way some parents treat university applications and make the most appallingly snobbish and misguided judgements about courses of which they know little. Your son needs to put aside these ridiculous thoughts and go and have the time of his life in a city many people would love to live in.

I think your son is very sensible in his outlook - rather than wallowing he has found a course at a different uni and is happy to go. I agree that a year of resits would not be the better option. All the best to him - wish I was 18 again

York should be fine (bit mean of Durham not to let him in when he was so close in my view). One of mine last year made his offer but one grade was clearly weird, remark made no difference, no one in that subject got more than a B in the whole year. he was best in the class, won the school prize in it, is reading the subject and expected an A. WHilst I accept As can be a bit hit and miss that no one got over a B is very strange. It may be they were a lazy year or the teaching was bad but my advice (and he was lucky his offer allowed one B) was just try not to think about it and get on with life.

Your son is going to York. That is very good. (I konw someone who resat by the way to do better and has got into Oxford this year after the resits so that is a possibility for some prepared to do a year again). AABB are perfectly good grades for most careers. Even city law firms have AAB as their minimum grades.

York is well regarded and also a nice place. (I have relatives near there).

York is an awesome university - I have friends who went there - and a great city. I work in academia and one of my colleagues did his undergrad there, got a First, and went on to genuinely impressive things in research.

I guarantee, 99.99% of the time, no one will care in the slightest in 20 years whether he went to Durham or York. 99% of the time no one will care in 5 years. And by the end of his first year he'll most likely be very happy there and very grateful he didn't go to Durham, as York will be where he's met his friends/partner/found his path in life.

I think he's really done well. I got AABB and was mighty chuffed.
York is a great institution in a fab city. He'll have a great time.

Many schools are failing to advise their top students properly on university choices.

All the students I know with a string of A/A at GCSE and predictions of A x 3 or 4 at A level all seem to apply to Oxbridge, Durham, UCL, ICL and St Andrew’s ( or similar). They then get identical A*AA or AAA offers from all their choices - including Oxbridge if they actually get an offer. So they are left with no insurance offer as none of these universities normally accept students who have dropped a grade. This just piles on the pressure at exam time.

Quite why schools allow this to happen is beyond me. There are always a handful of students who do not meet their offer/ mess up STEP etc for whatever reason. It would be far more sensible for them to have included somewhere that would have made them a lower offer in the first place.

Where some, particularly private, schools are concerned I have seen a growing tendency for them to boast throughout the year on their web sites about the number of offers received from the “top” universities....eg X applications to Durham/Y offers, X applications to UCL/Y offers etc.
The fact that these offers are all made to the same group of students is conveniently ignored.

I wonder whether these schools are encouraging students to apply only to those “top” universities because it makes their advertising look better.

Arrrgghhh! The "Stealth boast" comments make me so mad! It's all relative! It's not a Stealth boast just because YOU (PP's that have implied such things) see it as a fantastic result!! The OP has said all her sons friends did better. His peers are all in a better position, so presumably a lot of his classmates/school year have also done better. It depends on the school and compared to the people he knows he's feeling inadequate and worried! How ridiculous to say it's a Stealth boast! If you have nothing constructive to say why respond? Of course he will do well at York but that isn't enough to make him feel better or make the OP feel more reassured. Don't comment if you're going to make daft comments like "Stealth boast".

York is great overall and for some subjects is exceptional (I went there as an undergraduate at a time when it was above Durham and second only to Cambridge for my subject)
BUT
I completely get that ‘failure’ is relative - if you expect to achieve a certain level than of course falling short feels crap. I’m about to start a PhD (so that York degree hasn’t held me back too much ) but the academic achievement i am most proud of to date is getting a B at gcse maths because, having dyscalculia, I had to work much harder for that than I ever have for any other subject. So it is all relative and I sympathise with your son
BUT
He’d be well advised not to go on about this to other students as he’ll sound like an insufferable twat

As someone with an Oxbridge PhD (and the top undergraduate mark in my subject from the same university in my final year) who is shock horror not only a teacher, but a primary teacher, I do hope that rogue simply mis-typed...

All the students I know with a string of Astar/A at GCSE and predictions of Astar x 3 or 4 at A level all seem to apply to Oxbridge, Durham, UCL, ICL and St Andrew’s ( or similar).

Really? DDs school, and everyone else I've heard of recommends applying to a mix, relative to predictions, of aspirational, realistic and a little low, and then from their offers pick the firm they want and an insurance which really is an insurance (though that may be hard to get right and I think the OPs DS was unlucky his didn't work out). So, they wouldn't be applying to only those above. TBH I'd hooe bright kids would have the nous to look at entry requirements and work out a sensible spread for themselves.

Truly horrified that a poster can think so low of teachers eg Rogue, even more baffled that it tickled him to think his ds's secondary school teacher graduated from Cambridge. The joke is on you.

It will bother him until he gets to uni and forgets about it. Lots of people don’t go to uni where they thought they would and the vast majority forget within a week.

Trust me, by Christmas he’ll be over it. For now, remind him constantly of how well he’s done, get him excited for uni and crack on with things. It’s an odd period but he will be fine. Hope he enjoys uni! :)