Help...DS feels a complete failure with AABB...

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Bad day last week. He was predicted AAAA and got AABB.
He missed the A by 5 UMS, but the As by more.

He was meant to be going to Durham Uni (AAA), but has now accepted a place in clearing at York.
All his original offers were A*AA or AAA so he didn't have an insurance offer (school said it 'wasn't needed' as he would be fine for 3As).

He is putting on a brave face, but I know he is gutted. All his friends are going to Oxbridge/Top 5 unis.

It has been a horrible week. Other parents don't know what to say to us: "York is a lovely city", "perhaps he can do a Masters at Durham if he does well" etc

How big a deal is really that he's now going to a Top 20 uni rather than a Top 5 one? York seems to have a good reputation for his subject.

My dc and most of their friends have taken a knock like this at some point whether it's GCSEs, A levels, university exams, dissertation, job interviews. Something doesn't go to plan, they drop grades, fail an exam, take a while to find a job. It's part of growing up and, if handled properly, teaches them something about themselves.

OP, let your son lick his wounds but encourage him that in a few years time he will look back on this as a mere blip.

People always hit their upper limit somewhere along the line. I always think it's best if they do it when they are still at home, where parents can help them, rather than away at University.

Talk to him, help him with his resilience. I know that he is hurting now but he'll be fine eventually.

I think the level of disappointment is probably the same whether you plan to go to Uni A and go to Uni G instead or plan to go to UniW and go to Uni Z - it's just getting through a period of readjustment

Oh dear OP. Its not the same. He's had two years of confidence that he'll go to a top 5, but he's going to a top 10.

Its not the same as dreaming of a top 10, having to face you aren't clever enough and readjusting expectations to places that will take 3 Cs.

And your friends sound awful. Grammar school?

Gosh - I’m sorry you are getting such an attack on here rather than support. I have never understood this idea that because there is someone ‘worse off’ than you, you deserves no empathy and no support. Surely there always will be???

Anyway, its awful when our children are hurting and of course your son will be disappointed and upset. Probably a bit embarrassed too if everyone knew the expectation was straight As and a Durham.

My advice, for what it’s worth, is not to tell him to get a grip or he’s done really well or any other claptrap. Because he clearly hasn’t done as well as he (& his school, parents and friends!) had expected to do. The grades are irrelevant. He is allowed to be upset, disappointed and angry. Let him be that for a short while but then its important for him to work out what went wrong. The school won’t gave pulled those predictions out of thin air. Presumably he had stellar GCSEs? So honest reflection is needed and you can support that. Is this over confidence? Lack of preparation and not recognising the difference between gcse prep and what’s needed for A levels? Exam panic? What? Can his teachers shed any light? What were his mocks like? Talking it out will help once he’s past the “it’s all not fair” bit and help him learn from this.
As for York - I’d get him up there ASAP. Go visit and see what he thinks but if his hearts not in it then don’t go. He’ll just fail. I do know someone who had a situation very similar to this and their child actually did re-sits. Lots of people thought it was nuts but her DD had her heart set on a particular university and course and so she re-took her a levels and turned the B’s into As/A*. Is that an option for you/him?

senua - yes, I think you're right, he has probably hit his upper limit. Hopefully he will happier with other students more similar to him, rather than always being a step behind some very very academic students.

I don't get why people are saying the other parents are horrible - they're really not - they're just trying to find the right set of words which show that they're acknowledging our/his disappointment, while also trying to be positive? If you're in a position where your child has got their A*sAs and is off to the university your child has narrowly missed then it's always going to be a slightly uncomfortable situation surely?

Why doesn't he get it remarked if only 5 UMS off? Nothing to lose..
Honestly it doesn't matter one bit if you go to York or Durham. Most employers don't know the difference. I would say they are of similar weighting.
I know people with high powered well paid jobs that went to ex polys (shock horror!) You really need to get a grip.

Sorry he's sad . AABB at A level is a stellar performance and he should be proud of those results in the longer term . York is a great university .
Learning point is predicted grades are just that and actual grades can go in any direction sadly . An insurance place offer is always desirable . Finally a word of caution to others about taking 4 A levels ( at the same time ? ) when you only need 3 , especially when you need " three aces ' . Good luck .

There's nowt wrong with York

Sorry - my post seemed to have crossed with your next one. Glad he is already feeling a bit more positive. Hopefully he’ll see York as a great plan B

Effic - thanks - useful thoughts.

Yes, he was an all A* student at GCSE.

We did actually visit York for his course last year, but didn't end up putting it as his insurance choice. Thankfully the exact same course was in Clearing (for a few hours!) so he is very lucky in that respect. He does like the uni and the department (which has had lots of investment) so it's by no means a blind choice.

We did discuss resits, and I think if the York offer hadn't been on the table then he would have gone down that route. As it is, he's keen to move on with his life and go to uni this year, rather than hang around for another year chasing a grade increase.

OP I just wanted to add my commiserations and say I’m sure he will come round to the disappointment in the end.
You have some terrible responses here. Many people on mumsnet aren’t generally supportive unless people are worse off than them. They take great pleasure in “cutting people down to size” as they see it and it’s not what you need. Sorry you arent getting RL sympathy either as people find this awkward. I can understand how devastating this is for your son- I understand the weight of expectation they put on themselves. It’s not a stealth boast, it’s a real upset for him and your family. But he will gain some perspective in time and I’m sure he’ll have a brilliant 3 years in York. It’s a fine university and he may well shine there given his near miss. It sure what else there is to say - but Best of luck to you both.

Hi OP. My ds is also in the same position as yours. Destined for Durham, but managed to get York through clearing. Fortunately we were given some good advice by a friend, to look at unis offering clearing for his subject last week and he was impressed by York. So when he lost out by one grade, he phoned them at 8.00 and got an offer from them straight away. I too feel annoyed by his sixth form that he was encouraged to take 4 A levels and wasn’t advised to make plans if he got lower than his predicted grades. Were they predicted too high?Anyway it’s over now. He’s really excited to be going to York He went for a visit Tuesday and was very impressed. It’s good to hear everyone’s praise for the place.

Rogue - did you mean to be so rude?

I've worked at both York and Durham and they are much the same really. Both have residential colleges; both are in small, historic cities; both are Russell Group universities with good reputations for both research and teaching. There's no real reason to favour one over the other. Indeed, speaking to former colleagues at Durham, I get the sense it is going downhill a bit.

You can't read too much into rankings as they vary heavily depending on the ranking criteria and don't really measure quality. They also take into account research, when what will matter to your DS is teaching and student support. York has historically been above Durham and vice-versa.

Rankings also measure the whole University, when what will really matter to your DS is the quality of his Department. You don't mention your DS's subject, but for some York will definitely be above Durham (and vice-versa). Some of York's departments are among the very best in the country for teaching.

DS had a firm offer for Durham; he missed that and his insurance and went to a good RG university through clearing. It changed his attitude to working, which going to Durham wouldn’t have done and he ended up doing extremely well at undergrad and postgrad levels - and specialising in areas that he would never have had the chance to do at Durham. It’s all swings and roundabouts.

My dc didn't like Durham at all, liked York but sadly they didn't run the course they wanted. Other dc missed out on Oxbridge, was sad yes, but is now fairly near the front at his (york-equivalent) uni, loves it, and has got a first each year so far.

I think it's great he is being clear and decisive. He's mapped a great path out for himself, and showing v good forward-looking resilience. I'd be proud of him.

Your son that is

In all honesty, and not meant bitchily (honest) you and your DS could benefit from widening your circle of friends.

His results are solid, a degree from a great Uni like York and the world is your oyster.

I have some friends who all have this massive status anxiety about their kids' education (prep, private and then a top uni are required to "fit in") and I feel sorry for them, and the pressure they put their kids under tbh

Just go and celebrate, and find new friends

I had this predicted AAA got AAC missing both my AAA and AAB choices. Turned out was marked incorrectly and later was pushed up to a B so it is worth pushing it.

Like your son I ended up going to a choice I had been too see but not put down (that would have been BBB) and went through clearing.

It was odd at first I had an image of going to Manchester and ended up at Brunel. But the work placement aspect of my course help clarify my path and my MA and end job were different

Sometimes you just have to accept the path you go down is chosen for you. Allow a moment for disappointment and then jump right into it

I find it a bit laughable that York is somewhere he’ll be ok with the ‘less academic’ students. York is a superb university. In some subjects it has topped the league tables. It has been higher than Durham before now. In 10 years, no one will remember whether it was number 3 or number 11 or number 19. It has an excellent, excellent reputation as one of the country’s best universities. Buck up.

"Now I come to think about it, DS had a secondary school (state) teacher who graduated from Cambridge.

It's absolutely no guarantee of an amazing job."

I am sort of hoping I am somehow misreading this post......

Op, I think students often fall short on their predicted grades, I know my DD did, however, York is a lovely city. Actually, it is quite a successful outcome.
He might like to visit the uni again so he gets to feel more positive about it before he goes. He won't be endearing himself to fellow students if he complains about it.
I expect that from the perspective of getting cheaper accommodation in the second and third year York would be far better than Durham. So there are lots of positives.
It is something that aspirational candidate s have to come to terms with, as in not meeting their desired potential. My DD no longer watches Netflix when she studies.
As others have said it is important to try and be positive just for one's own sense of well-being.

But York is a lovely city and he could do a masters at Durham. Both of those things are entirely legitimate comments. I'm sure you are picking up a tone (?) from other parents but both those observations I would say are actually quite helpful to keep in mind!

I'm an admissions tutor and a lot of universities are chasing students this year so he has probably got a good deal from clearing. universities are changing very fast at the moment and in my opinion a lot that are highly rated at the moment will be less so within a few years (and probably vice versa).