Tough decision for DD

[cerealnamechangers]

My DD is in in her first year at a large Russell group uni, however she doesn't like the city and hasn't settled in well at all, the people she lives with in halls have been a nightmare and she is adamant that she no longer wants to house share ever again and wants to transfer to the uni in our home town for next year.. The issue is that there isn't a Russell group uni in our home town so she would be attending a lesser rated university compared to the one she is at now. I am so proud of her for sticking this year out even though she has been so unhappy and I just want her to be happy but would this be a crazy move? My head says that I should convince her to stay but I hate seeing her so miserable.

[bojorojo]

What does your DD think has caused this, Head? Who is she living with this year?

I am always surprised how many parents on MM think self catering is the best type of hall. It can mean the student has their own little food store, their own solitary meal and then goes back to their room.

I also think school is very cosy in comparison to university and most DCs don't have to go looking for friends. DD made mistakes in Y1. She was left out of the ski holiday in Y2 by "friends" from Y1 who booked without telling her and they had previously left her out of flat hunting because they "imported" two girls from their school who were not in the hall and the others went along with it so my DD was ousted.

Best thing ever as it turned out. She learnt who was a friend and who was not! She became discerning and retained a smaller number of brilliant friends but there had to be a cull! Well, they culled themselves really. The ones who didn't want her went to live near the clubs. Dd was so glad she wasn't with them! She had a far better time with decent people but you have to get over set backs and pick yourself up. Start again! Bloody hard if you find that difficult!

[KeyserSophie]

Firstly, I don't think there has to be 'more' to this than what she's told you. She's living in a hostile environment, feels socially isolated and is being woken up for several hours most nights. That's enough to explain her feelings and lead her to feelings of impotency and resignation.

However, I do think it would be a mistake to transfer because for law, it is still very much a case of the University that dictates who will be interested in giving training contracts. She will narrow her options by trading down. Even outside law, for academic/ general ( as opposed to vocational and applied) degrees, university is often still more important- for non relevant degrees most grad scheme employers will pick by University first.

On that basis I would push quite hard to get an accommodation change. It could make all the difference. There are other quieter students at that Uni. She just needs to find them.

[HidingFromDD]

Bit of a long shot but it's not Exeter is it? Dd2 has a room going (long story) and it's a lovely group.

[Headofthehive55]

It's been a combination of factors. unfortunate circumstances really. It was her insurance uni, so she didn't get a good choice of accommodation to start with. i agree that halls are often more social.

[BoboChic]

bojorojo - catered hall can mean students do not eat at all! I know several cases of very dramatic weight loss due to students hating the food/meal times/noise of student dining halls and having no money or facilities for alternative meals.

[bojorojo]

Goodness Bobo. That is extreme and there are usually kitchenettes as well - for late night toast, soup etc. I think the catered halls are generally more social. If someone isn't going to eat and has no money, I think that is an extreme position and not confined to catered halls - at all. Not liking any of the food is also extreme. Surely if you were that picky, catered is not for you? No wonder boarding school pupils put up with the food! Most students in catered halls eat in but have to find money for Sat night meals and snacks plus every lunch and coffee shops. Lots of students live on beans in self catering units anyway!

There are challenges in going to university but being isolated in a room, not eating because you don't like the food, having no money can all be sorted out by planning. Money - get a job???

[BoboChic]

I can assure you that this is not "extreme". Catered hall is really not for everyone and is not some quick fix solution to a social life. On the contrary!

[BoboChic]

Remember, too, that self-catered halls fill up more quickly than catered so quite a lot of students will be allocated catered hall when it is not what they wished for.

[Headofthehive55]

Uni accommodation was not as available to second years.

[bojorojo]

Rarely is available to second years. They usually go and live with friends. Unless Oxford of course.

Really Bobo - that is nonsense. Generally people live where they want to but it is much easier to shut yourself away in a small flat than in a larger catered hall. Self catered may fill up but that is because they are often the cheapest. Not liking any food is extreme - it really is.

Not everyone gets what they want but sulking about food and not eating is a very over the top reaction and obviosuly this young person needed medical help. it is not a normal scenario. Also, believe it or not, students can move into different accommodation. You seem to know some very off the wall people!

[Headofthehive55]

Unfortunately there was a huge pressure to organise next year's housing very early - November, and my DD did end up in a house share. By the time the second year came, it was clear that it was not a good choice but it's not always possible to change.
The other girls would send horrid texts to my DD and at one point she dreaded going to the bathroom as it would result in comments. The housemates used her bath towel for cleaning the kitchen floor amongst many other things.

[Teenagedream]

My DS is not having a great first year. Got in through adjustment, no accommodation left. Ended up in private halls with a contract we can't get out of. Of course there was uni accommodation available after a couple of weeks so we should have waited but no advice or help given by uni. He's trying to make the best of it but no idea what he will do about next year yet. As someone else said unfortunate circumstances.

[LolDeLol]

TeenageDream
I'm sorry to hear that. Has your son sorted out better accommodation for next year? It must be dissapointing for him after the initial thrill of doing better than he had thought in his exams.

[Teenagedream]

Yes he is disappointed. Hasn't found anyone to share with next year yet. He's still hopeful so fingers crossed. His accommodation is lovely but the people he shares with are not very social. He is with freshers but from more than one uni. He's joining societies and as I say hopeful that things will improve. We shall see.

[bojorojo]

I think it is disappointing when accommodation does not suit. Private halls can be a real problem and some universities now have a lot of them. They sound good but tend to attract a certain type of student. Usually the enduite bathroom brigade who want a high level of privacy. Has he made friends on his course?

November is really early to decide on Y2 accommodation. Very early. Did everyone do this? There is jostling within Friendship groups regarding Y2 accommodation and it is easy to be replaced as DD found, so back up friends are vital. She didn't even know the 2 girls who replaced her and her friend! My DD and her friend stuck together and paired up with 4 boys. It worked very well but it wasn't sorted out until Jan.

Gosh, it's hard isn't it!

[Headofthehive55]

Yes they were all doing the hunt for private houses early. Even when you can apply to go back in uni halls, the closing date is in Jan.

I think it either works or it doesn't. It's difficult too if you aren't sporty, or musical as so many societies centre on that. Unless a lot of mixing activities are done within the course, I think people naturally tend to sit with the same people, and that does restrict the numbers of people you get to know.

I did two degrees at two different places, and one difficult experience and one really good.

[Teenagedream]

He talks to people on course but no friends as such. Unfortunately there is someone he knows on same course so they started to sit with each other but the other guy is in uni halls and having a ball with friends and sorted for next year. As you say lovely ensuite room but no atmosphere in his private hall.

[Headofthehive55]

The problem is as when they start to sit next to the same person, and it iften appears rude not to, then opportunities to make other friends disappear as quick as a student loan! If can work if that friend introduces them to other people, but if not it can be difficult.
My DDs two course friends are both with long term boyfriends and so are less enthusiastic about girl friendships.

[bojorojo]

I know DD 2 had a very different experience from DD1. No choice of uni run for DD1: they were all private but marketed through the uni. Despite Bobo's dislike of catered, there are so many more people about at meal times and chatting to a wide number of students is normal. Also DD1 had an old fashioned quad, not a tower block. It had grass in the middle of it and gardens! It was social. It seemed to help students meet each other. DD1 is very gregarious but course friends were a smaller group than hall friends. Slightly changed in Y4 as the 3 year degree students had gone. That tended to focus her on integrated masters students such engineers, MFL and other people who had done a year abroad. The vets and medics were off and living with vets and medics!

My DD1 was lucky with accommodation as she was insurance but I think not enough students realise how important the type of accommodation can be - whether it will suit you. Far too many posters think students go out all the time. Most don't. Ones who want to shut themselves away and study are the rarest ones though. I do hope he gets accommodation sorted out and makes friends. What will he do next year?

[dreamingofsun]

cereal - someone has just moved into my son's hall flat, so its definately not too late to change. This is a big relief for him....he's really happy as there is someone normal in his flat at last. the others are all foreign (nothing wrong with that) but they have totally different interests to him, or they live locally and go home all the time.

He is a party animal and has struggled. she isnt alone in struggling. facebook has a lot to blame as it makes it sound like everyone is having fun.

[VirgilsStaff]

here is someone normal in his flat at last

The word "normal" in relation to other flatmates who are not because they are "foreign" is really obnoxious.

[dreamingofsun]

virgils - you are reading stuff into my statement that isn't there. 'normal' means someone who has similar interests to my son in this context....so please don't be unecessarily antagonistic - as i said there are also UK students. In my experience most students like going out, clubbing, doing sport, drinking alcohol, socialising. Rather than staying in their room or going home every weekend.

[Headofthehive55]

bojo I think the accomodation is very important, even a common room, or dining hall where you need to go and can bump into a wide range of people. My DD had no communal space apart from a small kitchen.

[bojorojo]

I was so grateful DD1 had communal rooms and with hindsight DD2 should have chosen somewhere different but as it was London the transport costs and time were a factor. I accept what you mean dreaming. My DD "shared" with a Chinese vet. DD hardly ever saw her. There was a Chinese society and this suits some students just fine. Despite being invited to hall gatherings she preferred the Chinese society. She stayed up all night in her room though. As her room joined DDs, she had to go through DDs room to get to hers so DD was aware she was up at 4 in the morning. Although she was not out clubbing she was "up" - DD thought working or skyping home. God knows how she managed lectures! If someone's culture is different, they live life according to what they like. That is fine. It is not obnoxious to mention differences. You cannot really join in though if you are not Chinese. It might equally be a religious group.

[stonecircle]

Personally I didn't like catered in my first year at university. I hated being restricted to set meal times and tended to sit with my room mate and people from my corridor anyway rather than mix. I rarely made breakfast.

I don't think it would suit my dcs - also not breakfast people and like to be eat when they're hungry and when it fits in with sport. Also have a tendency to eat very late. But maybe canteens stay open all hours these days?