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Original poster

Tough decision for DD

151 replies

cerealnamechangers · 05/02/2017 01:45

My DD is in in her first year at a large Russell group uni, however she doesn't like the city and hasn't settled in well at all, the people she lives with in halls have been a nightmare and she is adamant that she no longer wants to house share ever again and wants to transfer to the uni in our home town for next year.. The issue is that there isn't a Russell group uni in our home town so she would be attending a lesser rated university compared to the one she is at now. I am so proud of her for sticking this year out even though she has been so unhappy and I just want her to be happy but would this be a crazy move? My head says that I should convince her to stay but I hate seeing her so miserable.

OP posts:
Mittensonastring · 06/02/2017 09:46

Universities are very different to when we all went to them. I worked in two RG Universities for 25 years until very recently.

To quote one of the Professors I worked with 'it's like a bloody finishing school these days'.

I wasn't in a law dept but agree with the lawyers on this thread that it will make a difference as to which University she attends, it shouldn't but it will. If she is serious about being a lawyer and let's be honest doing a law degree does not mean you will end up practicing law then get her to try and move accommodation but just tell her you will support her whatever she decides. Must admit the couple of lawyers I know are most certainly not the quiet type.

She needs to see her personal tutor, accommodation services, student welfare officer and maybe get some counselling for her MH as this has obviously knocked her and it will be free on campus.

HandsomeDevil · 06/02/2017 09:52

agree that not all halls are like this
I used to be a pastoral tutor in halls of residence when I was a postgrad, and never encountered anything like this. Help her to get swapped.

If she's at an RG university, do they have any of the more old-fashioned, corridor-based catered halls, rather than self-catering flats? In the former you have a far, far, wider range of people to mix with, and fewer small communal areas for cliques to take over.

If by any chance she's at Manchester, I can PM you some specific halls that tend to suit quieter/quirkier students, rather than party monsters.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 10:37

If she is looking at a law career she does need to go to a well respected university.

The competition is just so stiff.

But she's only been there a term. That's nothing. If she moves accommodation and makes a real concerted effort to make friends, settle in and enjoy her time, she can easily claw this back.

GetAHaircutCarl · 06/02/2017 10:40

I would also advise her that things might quiten down in her current accommodation.

The fresher term can be hectic. New students want to party hard.

But this term brings a different perspective to many who now need to knuckle down ( and are experiencing a dip in funds Wink).

bojorojo · 06/02/2017 12:07

Actually my Dd made friends first in hall but it was catered with formal meals. It means they mingle with lots of other students very early on. They went to socials in other catered halls too. Degree friendships formed later in Y2 when they chose options. Like minded people got together! I think the self contained flats can be a problem. DD2 had horrors and we got a bill for her "share" of cleaning up their mess. Even though she had left the flat and moved out. She may need to be aware of that. Move now!

BoboChic · 06/02/2017 15:22

If your daughter is being very badly treated by her flatmates, she needs to lodge a complaint with the accommodation office. The words "verbal abuse" can come in very handy when trying to explain that she is being badly treated.

Original poster
cerealnamechangers · 06/02/2017 17:26

I have just spoken to her and she said 'I could be dead in my room for days and no one would miss me or notice'. I am going to drive up there as something obviously isn't right.

OP posts:
PosiePootlePerkins · 06/02/2017 18:07

Oh goodness OP just came back to your thread and saw your update, absolutely go, she must be feeling very low to say that. Thinking of you- good luck. Bring her home with you if you need to, as I said in my earlier post the support of my parents when I left Uni made all the difference to me. There are always other options.

VirgilsStaff · 06/02/2017 18:35

Yes go to see her - there's something more than shitty flatmates going on with her. Maybe she's just not ready for university yet?

stonecircle · 06/02/2017 19:08

Good move cereal. Sounds like she really needs you.

quietlycrazy · 06/02/2017 19:57

Good that you're going Cereal. Do reassure her that she's not the only one, and it's nothing she's done wrong.

As for being ready for university -- it doesn't sound like that's the issue. Don't underestimate how isolating it can be and how lonely you can feel when you're away from home for the first time, haven't found your people and feel like a persona non grata in your own flat.

If she likes the uni and/or the course, I'd do everything possible to find her a new place to live. If she's utterly miserable, it's not the end of the world to come home and start over in September, if finances will stretch to that.

VirgilsStaff · 06/02/2017 20:00

it's not the end of the world to come home and start over in September
Alternatively, your DD can take a leave of absence or interruption - so "bank" her first term, and then take a year out, and return for the start of 2nd term in January 2018.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/02/2017 20:43

Please do look after her.

Bristol University has had 3 or 4 suicides this academic year, MH issues in university students are in the rise.

But if she wants to stay it's really easy to change halls.

Original poster
cerealnamechangers · 06/02/2017 20:53

That is so worrying unexpected, university can be such a lonely place, it is hyped up and glamorised and i think young people feel like they should be enjoying it to the full and they often feel pressurised into making it look like they are having the time of their lives when the reality is that there is probably more young people struggling than there appears to be on the surface, they just feel like it is 'wrong' to admit that they are not enjoying themselves. I am so glad that she felt comfortable enough to open up and talk to me about whats going on, i would hate to think of her bottling it all up on her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
cerealnamechangers · 06/02/2017 20:55

DD in particular feels like a 'freak' and feels like there is something wrong with her as everyone else seems to be having a ball.

OP posts:
GRW · 06/02/2017 21:16

I'm sorry to hear she's feeling so isolated, and I'm sure you're right that she isn't the only one who isn't enjoying it. The fact that she can talk to you and be honest about things is positive, and shows how close you are. I am sure you will be a great support to her whether she decides to come home or not.

PosiePootlePerkins · 06/02/2017 21:37

Please tell her some of the stories on this thread OP, it can and does work out for the best. My experience at University was just awful, so isolating and I was so so homesick. And I only lasted 5 weeks! Your DD has done so well to last this long feeling so unhappy. When I started again at a smaller college I just fitted in. I still have a lifelong friend from my college days and I'm 42 now! Things seem bleak but they really don't have to be that way. Flowers for both of you, your DD is lucky to have such a supportive mum.

bojorojo · 07/02/2017 10:33

I do think you need a frank discussion on how she can make friends. Most people do work out a way and she does sound like a square peg in a round hole regarding accommodation.

I do think the formally catered halls can help make friends. You have to get out of the room/flat to eat. Some accommodation can be very isolating and not helpful in this case because the lives of the other students just carry on around you. I would make changing the hall a top priority.

However she needs to think of how she can help herself. Not everyone is a clubber! My DD went out on student nights but not other nights in the week. She had a 9 am lecture the next day so this ended up being a no no. It cost her a few friends but not true friends. My friend's DS went clubbing all the time and chose accommodation near all the clubs! Do see what a better alternative might be. If there is space, a swift move out can be arranged.

Only a minority go clubbing! It does not continue to be a major activity for very many. I would try and find out what the vibe is in the other halls. It does sound like homesickness too and the fact she could go to another uni near home may also be driving this. There is an easy alternative in her mind. I hope you get a positive outcome and good luck.

VirgilsStaff · 07/02/2017 14:03

bojorojo's advice here is very good. That's why I wonder whether she's ready for university. Not everyone is a clubber, but most students take the initiative to get out and try something new, or join a club which caters for an existing interest, or sing in the choir.

Learning how to do this - even if you are shit-scared and shaking - is an essential part of growing up, and is a skill that is really important in one's later working & personal life. I'm a senior professor, but I still sometimes have to take a deep breath & give myself a pep talk before doing some things.

It's quite normal to be shy, but it's also quite normal to try to overcome one's social; anxiety.

I hope you can find her a different accommodation - I would be optimistic that once alternative accommodation is sorted out, her outlook will improve. The flatmates she's sharing with in halls are breaking all sorts of rules, and deserve to be shopped. It is a given that they clean, even if they don't at home. It's a given that anti-social behaviour is controlled. The Resident's sub-dean should be informed.

Your DD doesn't have to do this on her own.

BoboChic · 07/02/2017 18:52

Constant socialising is not for everyone. I have always been a homebody who likes cooking, decorating, reading and having friends round for chats. If I go out I like the cinema, a show or a nice meal - not a pub or a club. Needless to say I thought halls of residence were the absolute pits!

quietlycrazy · 07/02/2017 22:10

I think those who say that OP's DD needs to get out more and may not be ready for university are missing the point. She's being bullied by the people she lives with. When you're at uni, your flat is your home, and in her case her home isn't safe -- at least not safe emotionally.

AskBasil · 07/02/2017 22:16

She needs to move out of her current place even if it is only 2 terms, it is worth it, she is living with a bunch of cunts so one more week is too much.

Even if she's planning to transfer, get her to make that move. It sounds like she's become so depressed that she's prepared to put up with it, don't let her. Get her to move and maybe have a better time for the next couple of terms.

VirgilsStaff · 07/02/2017 22:26

I agree that her flatmates sound vile and appalling. She should move halls.

But the OP also describes her DD in a way that makes it sound as though she is quite introverted with a negative outlook. That could be because she's being bullied. But it could also be because she's not quite making the transition into independent adulthood. Talking about coming home, studying at a less challenging university, and so on.

The hope would be that if removed from the bullying, she'll recover and come out of her shell a bit. But she may just not be ready.

IME a lot of first years really aren't quite ready. It's no big deal, a year out of the exam treadmill, and they can be a very different student.

bojorojo · 08/02/2017 22:14

I think there are few students who are out until 2 in the morning every night and some will always go to every student discount night and the happy hour. Some have the money to do this. Most don't carry on if they have an early lecture the next day. It is not constant for most.

I also think most students don't really see their little box as home - my two never did! It is a bed in a room. They prefer to chat with others so meals and other gatherings were good fun in the hall. There is no need to be out all the time.

As there is a reasonable chance of changing halls, the bullying can stop. I don't think this is the only problem though.

Headofthehive55 · 08/02/2017 22:19

You are right in that it's often portrayed as the time if your life, when for many it just isn't.

My DD has had a horrid time at uni - just hasn't made many friends and similar living conditions. She's now 3rd year. For a girl that was so social and outgoing in sixth form, it was a surprise. We did look at moving Uni's to closer to home, with regret she didn't in the end as she hoped it would improve.

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