Tough decision for DD

[cerealnamechangers]

My DD is in in her first year at a large Russell group uni, however she doesn't like the city and hasn't settled in well at all, the people she lives with in halls have been a nightmare and she is adamant that she no longer wants to house share ever again and wants to transfer to the uni in our home town for next year.. The issue is that there isn't a Russell group uni in our home town so she would be attending a lesser rated university compared to the one she is at now. I am so proud of her for sticking this year out even though she has been so unhappy and I just want her to be happy but would this be a crazy move? My head says that I should convince her to stay but I hate seeing her so miserable.

Is she in halls? If so She should speak to the accommodation team and ask for a move. At this stage in the academic year there are often some gaps.

Not too late to change accomodation!
My dd went from catered to srlf catered 2 weeks ago. She is doing first year too.
New accomodation is a lot cleaner and she hated cantine food as well.

She is fixated on coming back for the next academic year. I have suggested that she ask to move accommodation but she says there is no point as the year is almost over. She says that she feels as if she doesn't have a permanent home anymore as she is living between halls and our home. She is also panicking that if she has to stay then she has no one to house share with next year and will have to move in with strangers again. It's all a big mess and i really feel for her that her first experiences of uni haven't been positive. Thanks for all your views, i think i will tell her that i will support her if she genuinely wants to come home.

I hate to say it but if it's law then I think that the uni you go to plays a massive part in any future employment opportunities. It is so so competitive and if she moves to a less well regarded uni it will have HUGE implications for her future.

However, it sounds like she is living with dicks. So I'd do my utmost to get that sorted. Can you go and visit her and go to the union and have a chat with the accommodation officer? There will be movement at the end of each term, at the very least you can put her name down for halls in case anyone drops out.

Just read your update about her saying that there is no point in moving.... I can understand why she might think that, but it is nonsense. If she asks she may be surprised. She does not know if there are any spare spots from people not going back after Christmas.

I was miserable in (catered) halls in my first year. Moving into a shared flat in second year made such a difference. Halls of residence are such a lottery - my DD was in a flat with two awful flatmates. I feel for you - it's horrible seeing your DD (or DS of course) unhappy.

As pps have said, why put up with these nasty girls until May? She may very well be able to change flats - there might be students who dropped out at Christmas.

Not having someone to share a flat in second year is not the end of the world. She could look on sites such as spareroom and gumtree and the uni itself to join a flatshare. My DD did this twice (in Glasgow) and it worked well. In fact, she gave up a flat over the summer to save money as she had become so confident of getting a flat again at the end of the summer.

Degrees from prestigious universities arenot worth much if they are too miserable to complete it or so unhappy they flunk and get a 2:2. Better a good degree from somewhere less prestigious than no degree. Why wait until she is ill?

I will raise the idea of commuting with her as there is another Russell group around 45 minutes away from our town which might be an option. I think she craves the stability of having her own place and not having to move every year. She misses her family support network around her (large family!). Unfortunately she hasn't been able to build a similar support network where she is. I think this is the root of the problem and the vile housemates have just intensified the situation.

Crumbs, yes I am worried about her mental health as she seems to be isolating herself and spending most of her time in her room alone which obviously isn't healthy.

Why why why has she put up with this vile behaviour for so long? She absolutely shouldn't put up with it a moment longer than she absolutely has to. May is a long way off. If she won't speak to he university about it, can't you? Poor poor girl.

I'd say her statement "she says there is no point as the year is almost over. " is really showing that she has given up on this Uni.

Because it isn't almost over! She is bang in the middle of her first year!
Has she spoken to student services?

She can't put up with this until the end of May, that's 4 months.

Get her to go to student services tomorrow . She should also speak to get tutor, they need to know how unhappy she is .

She's not the first student to have this problem. She needs to make a fuss until they move her, she's being bullied.

If she's socially isolated because of this stresss she needs to join some student societies and not be reliant on these unpleasan flatmates. Not all student clubs Are all about getting pissed.

I'm all for getting dcs to stand on their own two feet but if a dc of min was struggling as much as yours clearly is, I would just have to intervene. And I think I have would be on the phone first thing in the morning to student services/accommodation. I would also try and visit asap and go with her to any appointments if she feels unable to go on her own. Mind you, if I visited I'm not sure I'd be able to stop myself from giving those horrid girls a piece of my mind

I have asked her to come home and to start a fresh in September and told her that I won't be disappointed but she is insistent on finishing the year, she really doesn't want me to intervene or interfere. It is so difficult when they are so far away even though they are technically adults you still want to be able to take all their problems and worries away. Parenting never gets any easier does it?

She needs to talk to the welfare team and move accommodation. This will be easy to sort and will give her some breathing space. I would then encourage her to try and see out this term at least and ideally the year. She will hopefully the. Be able to transfer credits wherever she goes.

What profession is she wanting to go into? The more traditional professions are still RG biased.

Change accomodation. Make this year better.

Look at a range of options for next year.

Year 1 for a range of reasons can be tough. Give her time to way up a range of choices and decide later.

Definitely change accommodation - she doesn't have anything to lose and it could completely change her perspective if she moves in with some nicer people. There will definitely be others doing the same (my dd has just done this). My dd was reluctant at first but found it empowering to realise she can change things herself

I think I would go with her to the university accommodation office and have a chat about moving halls. They will have had a few drop out by now so there may be a space with nicer people. I think you have to accept there are all sorts at university but these girls seem extreme! It is rare not to be able to find anyone like you though.

I think she is missing her family which is making the situation worse. Coming home is the obvious thing to do and it may be best in the circumstances but I would investigate changing the hall of residence first. I would never, ever, suggest someone lives on their own in first year at university. There are normal people out there. She sounds like she has no confidence and perhaps has not needed to make friends if she is from a large family. Being on her own will hardly help!

I think her career prospects in law may be reduced considerably but if she does not want a top flight law career, then that may not matter and at least she will be happy. Some people are home-birds and going away from home just does suit.

Ask the Accommodation Office to move her and tell them why. If they say they can't, tell them you will go to the press regarding the university's tolerance of drug-taking on campus. I guarantee they will move her.

Lord she feels like an outcast as she says she seems to be the only one not smoking or popping pills before heading out on a night out, I'm sure she isn't the only one but I imagine it is easy to feel like that, it seems like they use drugs as a social activity.

To be blunt, a lot of students do drugs. A minority obviously but it will hardly be front page news. She is in the wrong flat. Catered is better in my view as it is more social. It is definitely worth a try regarding moving. If she is ok with the course, does she really want to commute each day? Far less opportunity for any socialising then!

cereal - I'm an academic and don't know exactly what my students get up to in halls (nor do I want to!). I know that there is definitely drug taking and addiction on campus, but I don't believe it's widespread. Some of my students don't even drink! So, I think if she could change halls, this would be worth doing for the rest of the year, since she'd be very unlucky to encounter the same situation twice. May is still a whole three months away.

I shared with 7 other girls in first year in a self catering uni flat. We had one girl move out by Xmas (she was an early entry age 16/17) and then that spare room was taken by a friend who was being bullied in her sc flat on the same campus.
She was at the point where she would have left uni full stop had she not had the option to move in with us.
I'd urge your dd to ask about moving accommodation now. I'm assuming the flat mates are not on course with her?

DD does like a drink but would rather drink in a pub and chat with a small group rather than go to a club or to a rave. I think when dd comes home for the summer I really do need to work on building her confidence, she was so hopeful and excited when she first moved that it is such a shame it has turned out like this. I have spoken to her her tonight and we have agreed to send some applications off on ucas for universities closer to home and see what happens. She is adamant that she doesn't want the upheaval of moving right now no matter how much I try and persuade her otherwise. I think she has just been bloody unlucky. Dd has also heard the word 'half caste' being bandied about I mean seriously, I haven't heard that word in real life for years.