Tough decision for DD

[cerealnamechangers]

My DD is in in her first year at a large Russell group uni, however she doesn't like the city and hasn't settled in well at all, the people she lives with in halls have been a nightmare and she is adamant that she no longer wants to house share ever again and wants to transfer to the uni in our home town for next year.. The issue is that there isn't a Russell group uni in our home town so she would be attending a lesser rated university compared to the one she is at now. I am so proud of her for sticking this year out even though she has been so unhappy and I just want her to be happy but would this be a crazy move? My head says that I should convince her to stay but I hate seeing her so miserable.

[cerealnamechangers]

She has also been unlucky in that her seminar\tutorial group is made up of lots of mature students abc students who were already living in the city so are less interested in making new friends as they already have a network.

[LizzieMacQueen]

Is this Edinburgh?

My daughter was there and has literally just left her course to attend another university starting in September. She was miserable there.

As PP said her mental welfare has to take precedence over university 'prestige'.

[Kr1stina]

She is doing the right thing to finish first year where she is. Some courses will NOT accept students who have droppped out from elsewhere. I'm sorry but you heee to find out a lot more information before you tel her to just come home and " make a fresh start" .

When you say " make a fresh start " , how do you see that working ? Do you think she should try to transfer mid session to another university ? They are very unlikely to allow this except in exceptional circumstances . Not liking your flatmates will not be seen as that .

What about her student loans ? Is she is a position to return the money for this year and get a job for the rest of the year to fund herself next year or can you afford to do this ?

Are you sure that she will get a place in second year at your local university?

I'm not sure it's just as easy as drop out and start again TBH. Before she makes any decisions on this she needs proper advice from student services. Please encourage her to go tomorrow.

I do think that leaving uni is a bit of an over reaction. She has just been unlucky with her fiat mates, it's not the end of the world, she just needs to request a move.

This is all assuming that she is just upset about the flatmates. If you think that she is unwell or depressed then of course she should seek medical advice.

Like other on this thread I would have gone to see her this weekend , whether she wanted it or not.

[cerealnamechangers]

Kr1 she definitely wants to complete this year, she doesn't have plans to drop out, I just gave her the option as I didn't want her to feel as if she was being pressured into staying there if she was genuinely unhappy.

[Kr1stina]

And I'm sorry , it hasn't " turned out like this". This is just a blip in the road, it's not the end of the line. It sounds like you both given up hope of solving this problem. It's really not insurmountable. Kids move accommodation all the time, as other have told you up thread.

Do you want her to leave and come home?

[cerealnamechangers]

No I would like her to complete this year and then apply to try and transfer somewhere closer to home.

[Kr1stina]

If she's going to stay until the end of the year, she should move now. Honestly , being with decent flat mates could totally change her experience of uni.

And if the people on her course aren't friendly , there's lot of other places to make friends on campus. There are hundreds of clubs and sports etc

[Kr1stina]

Sorry, I meant she should move accommodation now. It's not that much of an upheaval, can't you go and help her ?

[cerealnamechangers]

She has been doing some volunteering which is positive and which she enjoys, she just hasn't found her tribe of friends yet.

[Kr1stina]

I can tell that. It makes uni so hard.

My DD1 didn't really gel with her class mates but she is musical and joined several choirs and musical groups and found her tribe there.

Friends DD came form the country to a big city uni and hated it. Until she joined the climbing society and she said it was like the clouds lifted and she knew they were "her people" . And suddenly she decided she liked city life after all. Now she's a climbing instructor in her spare time and graduates this year.

[SuperRainbows]

Oh, I really feel sorry for your dd. The first year away is so tough anyway and I think she is being very brave sticking this year out.
You sound like such a lovely supportive Mum.
Her happiness and mental health is paramount.

[cerealnamechangers]

I will try and encourage her to join some more clubs and societies.

[Closedenv]

Op support her decision is all i can say my own dd is in second year and because of similar housemates is hardly struggling still. People said things will be better because it's second year - but it's no better. Getting up for lectures is a struggle and depressing for her. Being woken up from 1 til 4 or 5 am we don't know how they keep going but they do. Student welfare don't help at all.

[cerealnamechangers]

Close dd's flatmates are also awake until all hours playing loud music and shouting, even on weekdays.

[redcaryellowcar]

Dh is a solicitor and says that location of law degree is a factor in who they offer training contracts to. I completely agree that a change in accommodation NOW needs to be a priority, if I were you I'd be heading to her university to surprise her, book a twin room for a couple of nights, take her out to dinner, go for coffee etc, get her to stay with you in the hotel and use the time to go with her to see her tutor and the accommodation people. At a minimum she needs to be staying somewhere that she can just be, neutral would be better than feeling as terribly persecuted. At best she might meet some nice new people and find it's all much more fun than she realised. Has she considered taking up a sport, with summer approaching there are usually lots of sports clubs, not necessarily university based, offering trials, e.g. Back to netball, tennis clubs running a ladies tennis recruitment drive, running clubs doing couch to 5k, something like this might be a nice way to enjoy the city a bit more?

[cerealnamechangers]

That's a good idea red, she has been talking about wanting get fitter. I am feeling a bit more positive about the situation now as you have all helped me to put it into perspective.

[bojorojo]

Honestly - not all student halls are like this! If anyone has these problems in the 2nd year it is presumably because they didn't make suitable friends in the first year! Who would choose to live with people you don't like in Y2?

University is a melting pot of all types. They are all off the parental lead for the first time. They spend their money and they can be stupid. However there are many more normal students who go to a pub. They are out there!

I am amazed Law at a RG university is full of mature students! I think there is a trend for more mature students but surely not such numbers as to make friendships with younger people impossible? Law is usually a course with high numbers too - hundreds quite often.

If she does not want to practice in Law, you can go to the lowest ranked university out of the vast numbers that offer it. I would talk to her about what she wants to do for a career. Is there a good chance of the career she wants at home? Some universities have sandwich years where students go and work in the law offices of companies so do not become solicitors or barristers at all. The Law courses look at different jobs law graduates can do, other than the obvious. If she wants to complete this year it is vital to make a few more friends, join in with other activities and change her accommodation. I would get onto this next week.

[cerealnamechangers]

The whole course isn't full of mature students, it's just her small seminar/tutorial group which seems to have an unusually high number. These groups are where you are more likely to make friends I expect.

[Kr1stina]

She will find it hard to have a realistic and balanced view of uni life while she's living with bullies. It will colour her judgement her judgement about everything .

See student services. Also her class tutor as they may also put pressure on the accommodation people to move her. Get her moved soon, if they have spaces she could be out by next weekend.

Then she can concentrate on her studies and and improving her social life. And iif she still wants to move uni in the summer, she can still do so, if that's the right thing for her.

[VictoriaMcdade]

I think that whoever suggested that you go and see her and stay in a hotel for a couple of days is spot on. And go and sort out her accommodation!

I also think that you have to look at the bigger picture. Is she willing to do her future career prospects some serious damage just because she is living with bullies?

Moving to a lesser university will just mean she is not considered for loads of positions. I am sorry, but say she is at Bristol, or Sheffield or the like and moves to somewhere like Keele or Preston her CV will just get chucked in the bin at a lot of firms and chambers.

I think it is not good enough for you just to accept that moving is difficult. You need to grit your teeth, get her to do the same, and get her to move.

You would not live with these people if you were not at uni, why should you put up with it just because you are studying.

[AyeAmarok]

Definitely needs to join some clubs!

If she can move accommodation this year (there will be plenty of spaces in other halls) and stick this year out, then if she goes back next year (is it a three year course or is she in Scotland?) and joins clubs then that will help I'm sure.

It's tough when your in halls with folk you don't like. I would always recommend joining clubs so you have a separate social circle than the one in halls.

[MollyHuaCha]

For my first degree I went to a non- Russell group uni. Had an amazing time. Couldn't fault the course, facilities, lecturers, pastoral care and overall professionalism. Now I am student again, this time at a Russell group uni. I really enjoy my course, but I can't help bring quite shocked and disappointed at the poor facilities, badly allocated lecture rooms and downright amateur teaching. My course colleagues are always complaining - they are all first time students and don't know any different. I have no doubt that at my current uni, some courses have fantastic facilities and lecturing. But mine certainly does not. If yr DD is unhappy, support her to move somewhere else. I never had a prob getting employment or promotion with my ordinary uni degree.

[ChangeTime]

I'm not sure how it works for law but I think for some subjects going to a lower Uni and making sure you ace the course (V high first?) then going on to do a masters at a more prestigious Uni can work out well.


Her flat mates sound awful. Two of my four had duff flat mates in the first year. One was in a flat of six and they all led completely separate lives. There was no hostility but absolutely no socialising despite my DCs best effort. The other students happened to be from overseas which didn't help. I'd try and encourage her to move flat.

[AyeAmarok]

Law is one of the courses where the university does really matter though, unfortunately Molly.

[VirgilsStaff]

They refuse to clean and one of the girls said she has a cleaner at home so she will not help with the cleaning, they have mocked and made fun of her accent, they regularly take drugs in the communal kitchen, they use her food and drink out of the fridge and when dd was upset not long after moving in they told her to 'grow up, you're at uni now. go and cry in your room'.

She needs to talk to the Residence service, or the Student Union or Guild, or the University Accommodation Service. I know at my place, bullying behaviour like this is jumped on from a great height.

Is she enjoying her course? The accommodation thing can be solved, so it would be a pity to leave a course she's enjoying because of it.

You say she's shy & introverted. Going home isn't going to help that & she may live lifelong with a sense of failure.

Or she may not be ready for university. Not everybody is, straight out of school. She could finish her First Year, and then take a break - often called either Leave of Absence, or Interruption, or Intercalation. She can get a job & grow a bit in confidence maybe.

But there is help - she should get in touch with her Hall of Residence sub-dean or Residences Service.