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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

Original poster

Turning down Oxford offer

182 replies

bevelino · 14/01/2016 23:04

My dd has announced tonight she wants to turn down her Oxford place for Bristol or Edinburgh. She has friends who are studying at Oxford saying repeatedly how hard it is compared to their friends elsewhere. While dd says she will work hard wherever she ends up, she says she wants to live a little and have fun. Dd is at a highly academic school, where A* and A at GCSE and A'level is the norm. I just want her to be happy.

The only experience I have of Oxbridge graduates is at work where we recruit lots of grads from Oxford and Cambridge and I supervise them. In reality they don't perform any better under our graduate training programme than other RG students.

My question is shall I say nothing or encourage her to firm Oxford which I know I could do as all she wants to do is to make me and dh proud?

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 18/01/2016 17:14

It's a bit hmmph that so many offers have gone to dcs whose parents say their dc wasn't that bothered...

I suppose it's sod's law that when one wants to make an impression one comes over so much worse, be it on dates, interviews - in any situation really - due to nerves and/or appearing over-eager. If you don't care you can relax, be yourself, and bingo! result.

marvik · 18/01/2016 18:28

I think my daughter did prepare thoroughly for her interview and also when it came to doing the additional personal statement.

But she just wasn't one of the people who fell romantically in love with the place or who had decided she wanted to go when she was 8.

It's more that there were/are a range of courses on offer involving her chosen subject in different universities:this genuinely made/makes it hard to choose which place was 'best.'

Needmoresleep · 18/01/2016 19:46

DS claims a contemporary of his, when asked why he wanted to go to Cambridge, replied "I have an offer from MIT. Now you tell me why I should want to go to Cambridge." He got an offer.

Molio · 18/01/2016 21:01

Well if it's any consolation Rhoda three of mine, while not 'falling romantically in love' with Oxford, did very very much want to go there. The other three simply had no real expectation of a place, but were thrilled with their offers. I also know loads of other kids whose places weren't wasted by a meh attitude.

If OP's DD does decide to decline her place perhaps you could message OP to see if it happens to be your DS's original college and then he could e-mail and ask for it instead - he might well be the next down the list since he was pooled. Nothing ventured etc. I kind of hope that's the outcome.

tropicalfish · 18/01/2016 21:44

Hi Rhoda,
I think it comes down to pot luck, what college you applied to, the whims of the interviewers, the other interviewees, how many gcses you have compared to the other candidates, who your second college was.
TF

tropicalfish · 18/01/2016 21:46

the numbers are so tiny really there is very little probability of getting through.

Chapsie · 18/01/2016 21:57

Some of my absolute favourite historians tutor at Oxford. I would choose it in this basis alone. Smile

LaPharisienne · 18/01/2016 22:00

Shouldn't this be about where is best for the course she wants to study? Isn't that the point of university Hmm

Molio · 18/01/2016 22:08

If you're incredibly dedicated to your subject and have no other particular other ambitions then yes, maybe. That's quite narrow though, for most normally outgoing 18 year olds.

MrsJamin · 18/01/2016 22:10

I had my heart set on Durham in lower 6th and the deputy head asked me to come and see him and he tried to persuade me to try for oxford/Cambridge (I think mostly for their stats). I knew that Durham was right for me, I would have not thrived under the extra pressure and the social atmosphere at oxbridge. I utterly loved Durham and flourished there both academically and socially. I am really glad I stuck to my guns when I was 17!

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2016 22:10

Shouldn't this be about where is best for the course she wants to study? Isn't that the point of university?

Yes but you still have to spend three/four years living there. There's often a compromise between the best course and the best place to live/socialise/develop your hobby/pay your rent.

alreadytaken · 19/01/2016 11:00

RhodaBull My own child is a medic. The lack of clinical contact in the early years at Cambridge has made many an able applicant think twice and some apply elsewhere. The course is now changing and that may make a difference in future. Mine dithered for a time over whether to apply at all and then had second thoughts after the offer. Being undecided at 18 really isn't that uncommon.

Some of the young people wont be that bothered and some will have a wobble after getting the offer and worry about if they will have to constantly work to keep up. Only the OP's daughter will know what category she falls into. What she needs to know is that having doubts now doesn't necessarily mean you have problems when you get there and that there are very few students who live in the library, except in exam term.

LadyPeterWimsey · 24/01/2016 17:18

Just wondering if your DD has made a decision yet, bevelino.

Original poster
bevelino · 25/01/2016 22:03

Dd hasn't made her mind up yet and is waiting to hear from Edinburgh and St Andrews and she will then need to firm a first and insurance offer.

Dd has read a lot of the posts on here and is feeling guilty and keeps asking me to decide on her behalf, but I will not do so as it is not me who has to spend 3 years there.

OP posts:
sablepoot · 25/01/2016 23:52

You are right, it must be her choice. But, she has ages before the UCAS deadline, and even if when she thinks she has a decision, she would be unwise to seal it permanently ahead of the deadline if there is even a slight possibility she might change her mind later on.

staverton · 26/01/2016 00:24

I had the best time ever at Cambridge. I did medicine which was a lot of work, but there was still masses of time for socialising.
The college system definitely helps you make firm and close friends, and there is loads and loads of extracurricular and fun stuff to do. Yes the nightclubs aren't great, but the college "bops" are fun and there are lots of pubs and college bars...
I would love to be back there now, mostly because it was so much fun. Yes it has opened some doors, but that's not why I'd choose it.
I was from a bog standard comp and felt totally at home.

SweetheartLittleLove · 26/01/2016 00:36

Your dd should go with her gut instinct and not be afraid to turn down Oxford if she thinks she's be happier elsewhere.

I turned down a place in Oxford and studied in Imperial College instead. It was one of the best decisions of my life. Oxford felt claustrophobic and I was worried I'd put too much pressure on myself if I studied there. I preferred living in London. I still worked hard - I probably would have worked the same anywhere. There are some fantastic academics outside Oxbridge. I worked with inspirational people who were world experts in their field. I met with researchers from Oxford when I was doing my final year dissertation and I wasn't that impressed to be honest.

I don't think my decision has hampered my career at all. I've been blessed with interesting and very lucrative jobs since graduating! Maybe the way you come across in interviews, and your degree result are more important.

I agree with a previous poster who said it might depend on the subject you study though. My experience is in science.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 00:59

I agree with choosing on gut instinct too. Your DD has a lot of information to go on now. Guilt and persuasion shouldn't come into it. Sometimes a place just feels right, or doesn't.

marvik · 26/01/2016 09:35

I know more about Cambridge than Oxford. However, one thing that students now often take into account - and it's sad that they may do/have to - is the costs associated with university. Accommodation in particular.

My daughter is at a place where she's in college accommodation - with reasonable rents for good quality rooms for three years. Food in the canteen is both good and subsidised. Transport costs within term are non-existent. Everything is walking or biking distance. There's lots of low-cost entertainment, rather than being in a place where there's a commercial student scene devoted to getting young people to spend. She has also been given a bursary. So she's managing to live within her budget and we are doing relatively little to subsidise her.

I sometimes get the impression - wrongly perhaps - that many Mumsnetters on these threads are fairly affluent, and that no expense is too great where their children is concerned. Though London rents do get mentioned of course!

Obviously it's always the child's choice and the choice has to be about a) where they will be happy for 3 years and b) what will work for them in the longer term. Looking at the material stuff to do with money and housing and food and rent and transport and likely debt is probably one factor to put into the equation.

minipie · 26/01/2016 10:13

Depends what she wants to do job wise.

There are still a few careers - not many but a few - where Oxbridge would be a significant advantage. Barrister for example. And I'd say many investment banks and City law firms also have a pro Oxbridge bias (of course they also recruit from other unis but I think Oxbridge on the cv does slightly give the edge for some of these firms, rightly or wrongly).

To counterbalance that, she might be more likely to get a First at a RG uni - so in cv terms, it's swings and roundabouts.

Oxford is harder work (though History actually has one of the lightest workloads). But there is still plenty of time for fun. You're left to your own devices a lot - hardly any lectures in Arts subjects, just a weekly or twice weekly tutorial (with an essay to write ahead of each one). Will that suit her or is she better with structure?

Bumpsadaisie · 26/01/2016 10:30

OP, I did History at Cambridge, and I suspect its much the same at Oxford these days.

If the ONLY thinking putting her off is the thought of it being lots of work then I think that is a shame.

You have a reading list of 10 or so books and write an essay once a week for a once weekly tutorial. (You don't read all the books, you read the introductions and conclusions and the key bits to get the gist of what that person's argument is).

You probably also go to three or four lectures a week and maybe one seminar.

It's really not all that hard work!

Of course in your first year your essays are no great shakes and you feel you aren't doing very well; you haven't yet got the knack of crafting arguments and whizzing through books to get to the salient bit. But it comes with practice.

Bumpsadaisie · 26/01/2016 10:31

And the fact is that if you have an Oxbridge degree it is like a golden ticket on your CV.

iciclewinter · 26/01/2016 10:55

And the fact is that if you have an Oxbridge degree it is like a golden ticket on your CV.

Only in certain working environments though. Some employers look for other things or have a wider view on where the best graduates may come from.

marvik · 26/01/2016 11:00

I don't think of it as a golden ticket, more of a double-edged sword. I've had a complicated - though enjoyable - working life, and don't do anything highly paid at present. I think it's entirely possible that employers look at my CV and say, 'Bloody hell, she should have done a lot better with that fancy degree. There's obviously something wrong with/dodgy about her.'

boys3 · 26/01/2016 19:15

your DD should absolutely not feel guilty about this. It is a big decision, and there are a number of factors to consider. DS1 currently reading History, albeit at Cambridge, however he took his time considering between Cambridge and Durham. I think he's confident that he did make the right choice for him. Your DD, as I suspect she probably knows, needs to make the right choice for her. Well done to her though for having this enviable choice to make.