New Uni starters 2015 (continued from Preparing for Uni)

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Thought we needed a new thread to continue from preparation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/2466997-Preparing-for-Uni-in-2015-continues

Suspect all have arrived by now...

How far away from home is she hells? I think sometimes once Freshers is over, a big reality check happens.
Hopefully she'll feel better after a chat with her tutor.

That's so difficult Hells, I do think the reality of the amount of rather dull work can come as a big shock, I think your DD is in the biomedical sphere isn't she? From experience much of the info in the early days is mind-numbingly dull and difficult to understand at the same time. Combined with homesickness and fatigue it can seem too much.
Your DD is doing the right thing seeing her tutor. I found that looking at it as a means to an end and speaking to second years reassured me that it would get interesting once the foundations had been taught.
Hope she feels better this morning. It's horrible being away and not being able to make things better for them any more. DD2 (sixth form boarding for the first time) had a blip about her A-levels, sent me a mournful text and then didn't answer my MANY, MANY messages. She was fine the next day, I was a gibbering wreck.

Duck, I agree with Molio. Is there any chance of finding a short off-season rental through somewhere like AirBnB and staying up there for a couple of weeks. Then stay in the backgrouond, perhaps just meeting for lunch or coffee. The message being that you are there to support her moving on in her life.

My assumption is that anxiety on top of CFS will be totally exhausting. If she can settle to the extent that she feels supported where she is, that might work best. The Durham collegiate system does sound better than what many other Universities have to offer.

It's so very difficult when you have your dc in tears on the phone. We had this two years ago with dd1. She was completely overwhelmed and in a flat with people she just couldn't get along with. She ended up coming home every weekend, less than an hour away, which meant she could finish the year. For year 2 and now 3 she is commuting. Only now is she wanting to live out, although she has no one to live with. My point is that sometimes it just doesn't work and much as we want them to fly, some don't. But there is often another way through with some careful thought and consideration.

Fortunately dd2 is having an easier time, 3 weeks in and we're all less stressed this time round. I've had the odd call of woe, but then compared notes with her older sister who has had a different version of the story. I think she is using me to sound off then gets on with it while I sit here worrying. I am concerned that she is not eating. She is almost fully catered but is not using her full daily allowance. She is coming home for the night on Thursday for her sisters birthday and as already requested the dinner have lots of vegetables.

On a cheerier note, my daughter who has some experience of night life in a major city, not impressed by first visit to university town's only night club!

It's likely that everyone will struggle at some point during first term. Is there something to be said for getting it over with/out of the way early?

Though health worries, and doubts re whether it's the right course, are both big issues.

My dd has to cook for herself, didnt know you could go catering.
She is getting useful tips from a maylasian girl on some of the dishes they have. She has been to the shop that is on campus but it is expensive. I thought it might be cheaper for students but obviously not.

Ive not heard from her since i took her back on Sunday.

Horsemad stay strong! If you let your DS sort out his account independently he will probably surprise you - and himself!

mrsrhodgilbert my DH hated his first hall as his corridor-mates were all really noisy and he didn't get enough sleep! he spent nearly every weekend at his parents' (only about an hour away) and changed to a different hall in the second year - which is how we met. So I can't complain really. Do you know if DD2 isn't being offered vegetables or just doesn't like the ones she could have? It's awful when they overcook them all. If it's something like that, then maybe if enough people feel the same way about them they could put in a request for a change to the menu.

The only reason I've heard from DS who I took up on Sunday is because I've just phoned him - it was never going to happen the other way round and we don't get signal here so he can't do a quick text; it's all or nothing. He sounded tired but he's never hugely expansive on the phone and I don't think last night's outing helped. His room inventory rates everything as 'barely adequate'. Not really surprising, having seen it.... 1970's 'iconic' (aka grim). Nice view of trees and a modest sized meadow though, so that's something.

One club only Marianne?

Thanks EmmaWoodlouse ! Yep, he needs to sort this himself. He's a lazy so and so and has to learn!

Also no buffet in fact not so much as a cup of cold tea.

Emma, I don't really know what's being offered in the refectory. I try to have the conversation but never get a proper answer, I'm sure we've all had those conversations. I do know she has an allowance of £10.70 a day. Three meals are provided, how they spend the money is up to them. She is paying £4-5 for toast, juice and cereal for breakfast which sounds like poor value. Sometimes that doesn't leave quite enough for dinner, though she can top up her card or pay the extra in cash. One weekend, when they just do brunch she just had a bowl if cereal, meaning the rest of the allowance was totally wasted.

One night she had a burger, in 18 years I have never known her eat a burger which indicates the other offerings must have been 'worse' in her eyes. She didn't enjoy it, but then a girl joined her table and gave them a lecture about eating beef, think of the poor calves, so she didn't even finish it. I know she will work it out. She is just not interested in food which is why catered was the best option, left to fend for herself she wouldn't eat. On the plus side I think she will be more appreciative of my dinners by Christmas.

What an offensive self righteous sounding girl - and I don't eat meat myself. What a lack of consideration for others.

Marianne I had a text about the one club last night! And the different colleges take turns? With town night Friday?

Thank you all. I too don't really see a transfer of uni at this stage for this academic year would work. In fact the very idea of coming into a course late, having missed freshers ( however awful DD finds that first week) and having to catch up with work would be well beyond DD's capabilities ( and most young persons I would imagine).
I think the choices are to find a way through this horrid start and stay at Durham now, or discuss all the issues, see if she can envisage being in Durham when in a stronger place herself mentally and get Durham to defer her place for another year (maybe on condition that she does some kind of academic study to avoid getting colder feet on that front? ), or concede that Durham and uni this year just too much for her and think again for entry next year.
Thank you everyone who suggested I should consider staying up here in the background for a bit. That was my gut instinct, but I did wonder if being here would mean DD would keep coming to see me and getting herself more upset rather than having to just get on with things. For the moment, I'm training it home today to pick up some clean clothes (clear thinking and action requires at the least clean knickers!) and will return tomorrow for a few more days. I'll make an appointment at the Gp and go to the pastoral support team as molio suggests. I hope they'll see me without DD? She meanwhile has meet the parents morning tomorrow, and a subject mentors dinner tomorrow after matriculation so I'm hoping she'll find herself able to talk through some of the issues with someone who is not a tutor. I think the senior college tutor wants to see her on Friday morning as well. Talking about these things is the hugest ordeal for her, though.
And needsmoresleep - you are absolutely spot on : the combination of CFS and anxiety is a killer. Being dog tired always makes anyone more anxious, anxiety is enervating, distraction activities help anxiety, but are not possible if you're too tired and ill to carry them out. Sore throat and swollen glands already evident this morning apparently, so the anxiety increasing even more with fears about being ill. And of course the work to come is such an unknown quantity at the moment, so that too has been built up into an ogre of terrifying proportions.
I am rambling....
Hells Bells - so sorry your daughter having problems too. I hope her tutor helps
Marianne - I agree with your circle of arguments too. We've watched two older DC negotiate through university and other challenges. Both just had the "usual" anxieties and insecurities and letting them find their own way was definitely the answer, which they did in wholly different ways. It's the health issues of DD2 which make it all so much more difficult

I think my daughter knew that if she was after nightlife her chosen university would not be the best bet!

I gather there was a 'bop' - a word that takes me back to my long ago youth - on the premises earlier than night. Which met with greater approval.

You're not rambling duck.

I doubt the doctor will see you without your DD but she can give consent for you to join her own appointment. No reason why you can't make an appointment time for her though and talk everything through together. She might need you as her mouthpiece in any event.

The work at Durham will not be a challenge for a student as clearly able as your DD is.

The key thing is for your DD not to struggle through this alone, however reluctant she is to talk. I think that's not uncommon, for young people with issues like this. In some cases it seems the more serious the issue, the more reluctant to talk. Really, the chances are that the university services at a uni like Durham will actually be in a far better position than your home GP to give meaningful help. Unfortunate though it is, they deal with cases like your DD's all the time and have done for generations - I can name a good handful of people at Durham that needed the same sort of support, just off the top of my head, and that was back in the days when people were far less open about difficulties. I'm not in any way meaning to trivialize the problems which are very clearly significant but I really do think Durham is one of those unis which can tend to attract students with these kind of issues, so their medical and pastoral support is very high quality, and readily given. For that reason alone she may be much better off staying - it gives her the opportunity to face down the problems rather than avoid them whilst at the same time getting top quality support. And if work slips while she gets treatment then I'm sure the uni will look kindly on repeating a year. To my mind that last would be a better option than returning home, and another void for a year - either way the overall time to get the degree takes four years, but the void way is more demoralizing. One friend of one of my DDs was in a very similar boat and put off uni for a year, then re-applied but didn't take the place, then dropped out the following year having started the course - she felt far older than the others on the course (but hadn't helped herself by opting for a Scottish uni). She's well in herself, but has a very limited life for someone so incredibly clever. That's what I mean about trying to hang on to the future.

Very best of luck.

Can I just ask a question please? Do any of your dc have a student account with HSBC and if so have they received the £60 Amazon gift voucher? Dd has not received the email which the voucher is attached to, she's going to have to try to contact them but that's bottom of her list at the moment. Just wondering if anyone else is having trouble.

Duck - I hope you get support sorted for your DD

mrsrhodgilbert My DS opened an HSBC account and he had his £60 Amazon voucher before he went away - and he's been gone over 2 weeks now. He did open his account online the day after A level results day though and it seemed to take forever for all the paperwork to come through. In fact he hadn't had his code to set up on-line banking until after he'd left - I had to text it to him.

Sorry so many of your DCs are struggling. DS keeps saying he's fine but it is hard to tell by messaging and we have only spoken twice. I was a bit worried about friendships as he's not particularly sociable and at one point I got the impression he was sitting in his room a lot. He said the people in his flat are "nice" but they like "obnoxious clubs" which is not DS's scene at all. Having said that he did go out with them on Saturday night and although they went to a club which DS said was "tolerable" he said he had a good time.

Finding it hard not being able to make sure he does stuff that he needs to do. Me: Have you joined the gym yet?
DS: I'll do that soon
Me: Have you registered at the medical centre?
DS: Not yet, I'll do that soon
Me: Have you bought those text books you need yet?
DS: .......... (I'll let you guess the answer)

He also needs to book flights home for Christmas or it will end up costing a fortune (if indeed the prices haven't gone up already). I am so tempted to do it for him to make sure he actually gets here but a friend suggested I leave it and if he can't get an affordable flight he will have to come by boat which will take much longer and may well be rough in December (not envious just thought the green face was appropriate)

Talings, I am so sorry to read about your daughter, mine had glandular fever and so I can recognise how the anxiety over tiredness together with the tiredness combines to make them feel awful. My dd was so anxious that although she only went on Saturday she has already seen the GP for mild tonsillitis.

Only she knows how she feels, we reminded our daughter that she could have afternoon naps if she felt like it. She did choose a uni that was within 2 hours of home, so that I could pop and get her if she did fall ill. However on Saturday she said that she wished she was nearer to home, it is so difficult to get it right.

Hopefully your meetings will help you both with this.

Thanks bigbluebus, I'll have to remind her again to sort it out. I get what you mean about wanting to make sure they get all the boring admin done. It was hard enough before she left home with the registering etc and I know from here that other parents were having the same issues.

I sent my secret weapon over last Friday, her big sister visited her with a short list of jobs to accomplish. Silly things like getting her laundry card registered and credited, changing her bank details and address on certain sites, helping her to work out how and where she can print etc. They managed everything apart from finding the Amazon voucher and I know dd2 felt a weight had been lifted. She would have got very frustrated with me but her sisters help was acceptable. She sent me a photo of her lunch today to prove she was eating.

I hope your son gets those things done, especially the flight home for Christmas. It's a fine line between nagging and letting them make life harder for themselves than it needs to be.

Horse if your ds already has an account with any bank, he can open a Santander student account over the phone. My dd phoned to ask what paperwork she needed and they said nothing, just her UCAS number and they set it all up there and then. It was really easy, took about ten minutes.

You could pass him the number 0800 707 6692 and tell him that the railcard takes at least five working days to come through the post.

Fairenuff, that's brilliant, thanks!