New Uni starters 2015 (continued from Preparing for Uni)

[circular]

Thought we needed a new thread to continue from preparation.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/higher_education/2466997-Preparing-for-Uni-in-2015-continues

Suspect all have arrived by now...

Minmooch one of our nephews died 2 years ago and his dad said the second year was harder than the first as they were in shock for the first year. It's not surprising your ds is finding things hard. As others have said, even dcs without any other stuff going on in their lives can find it hard to settle.

Maybe he is wording about you too and I think separation anxiety is normal after such a trauma so lots of contact & visits is probably good.

I agree that it might be a good idea to visit the Physics Dept to find out more. I did a different branch of engineering decades ago but our first year subjects were more or less the same as the pure science dept & we shared many lectures.

Minmooch, hoping the tutor was helpful.

Oh Min, that is so hard for all of you. Much sympathy - for your terrible loss and for the anxiety of knowing that your ds is struggling. I do expect it is almost certainly a mix of his bereavement and 'usual' settling in problems. He has had a traumatic awful loss to bear and what he is dealing with now is a big loss too in all sorts of ways - as well as an exciting beginning.

Really hope he can be helped to sort things out and settle at uni. If he feels he has to leave and defer his place / reapply next year for a different course / different uni when he feels more ready that really wouldn't be the end of the world. With his fantastic grades he will be fine.

Mini I'm so sorry
My ds has just started a very similar course at the same uni and FWIW he was also questioning whether he'd chosen the right course after the first week (but he wishes he'd done chem eng!). I honestly think it's too early to judge course choices after a week and a half, as ds's course bumph explained the first few weeks is spent bringing them all up to the same level in relevant subjects as they've all done different A level boards. For many of them they'll be treading ground for a few weeks yet. The interesting challenging new stuff will be a week or two away.

I mentioned it before, but I think the pressure on these young people these days to get the right grades, to go to the right unis etc, is so intense (way more than back in the day when I did it), that when they actually get the amazing grades and go to the amazing unis and discover that uni is actually a bit bleuugh and not all that all the time, they experience quite a big anti-climax. For your ds, Mini, it sounds as if he's managed to keep going through terrible trauma. The low after getting through what he's done must be severe. It sounds that you've got a great relationship and I'm sure he knows you're on his side. I hope his tutor was able to help.

I wish you both well.

So sorry to hear about your loss Minmooch. I do think it is early days to consider changing course but still worth exploring the possibility of changing so that your ds knows there is a way out, if needed. I did a combined degree and wish so much that I had even known I could have changed or dropped one of the subjects but it didn't even occur to me that that was an option and as no-one in my family had been to university before they weren't in a position to advise me appropriately. I ended up not doing as well as I could have done as I struggled for 3 years with a subject which I should have dropped.

How's your daughter getting along Mrs B?

I suppose it's all a bit extreme at the moment. Some people hitting the rocks, others merrily heading out to sea.

Hopefully, most will be sailing a steady course before too long. Terrible metaphor I know.

Hope the lifeboats arrive for those on the rocks. (In some form or other.)

Surprisingly well, thanks Marianne. Didn't really want to say too much when some dc are struggling. We have spoken a few times and seen lots of photos on fb and she is really happy. I think the very long holiday dented her confidence and increased her anxiety but now she has something to do she is happy. I spent so much time worrying about how she was going to cope, it has taken me by surprise quite how much I am missing her!

How is your dd doing? Has she settled in ok? I am guessing she starts work tomorrow like my dd. Dd's first essay is due in on Sunday which has her excited and scared in equal measure. She has her first supervision on Monday.

I caught up with the women's hour episodes from Monday and Tuesday which were really interesting. I think in the last month or so (due to her increasing anxiety) dd set the bar so low in terms of her expectations, that it could only ever be better than she imagined.

I think my daughter feels alright. Quite a lot of brief messages and calls - some about stuff that needs forwarding home - but no long chats. Her Student Finance has finally got sorted out. She's found it a really busy - and sociable - time with a lot of things to get organised. As she's only recently turned 18, there's been a massive amount of growing up to do in a short space of time. She sounds positive - and says everyone's friendly - but I suspect will feel she's really getting stuck in when the academic side kicks off.

They really have to hit the ground running don't they Mrs B. My ds arrived at his college on Saturday... first supervision this evening, second on Friday... and in between times all the business of leaving home, being in a strange place, meeting new people... He seems fine but is tired and a bit overwhelmed.

Marianne - glad student finance has finally been sorted. I think you are right that once they start working they will have no choice but to get stuck in.

We spoke to dd on Sunday and Monday and the she messaged on Tuesday to apologise that she wouldn't have time to talk to us that day I did tell her that we do not expect her to call every day! She too has a lot of growing up to do so hopefully this will help. She was like a baby bird that was refusing to fledge and needed to be kicked out of the nest for her own good.

Gosh Giddy - that is early to be having a first supervision when Freshers isn't even over. Which subject is that? I am not surprised he is overwhelmed. As dd said you have to be the best version of yourself at all times which can only be exhausting!

Dd went out with her subject family last night and one of the first years got very drunk but dd said the subject mums (2nd years) did an excellent job of taking care of her!

DD just messaged me to tell me that a horrendous fresher hazing drinking party took place at her college last night.

DD had heard what was happening and refused to go and went to the college bar for a couple of hours instead. When she got back to halls it was chaos apparently and all future fresher bops have been cancelled.

Hi Minmooch your family has been through so much yet DS has managed to do so well. As others have said I think delayed grief will be playing it's part with him and the move away from home. I hope his talk with tutors helps him settle better and lessens the anxiety for him and you.

Not much word from DS - was assured he would get a written apology from the Area Manager as the Halls Manager is off on holiday this week - I thought that was a bit strange as the uni has just gone back . 3 younger DC are very much looking forward to seeing him on Saturday as are DH and I.

Ds who arrived yesterday has to have an essay in by Sunday. Dh away at the moment and I am unable to find Skype on the computer. He said it might be on the iPad, but having spoken to some woman called Siri he has hidden in there I can only get to a page where she is asking me for more information than I can deliver. Siri, like the sea, is a cruel mistress who does not give up her treasures lightly. I have realised that with Ds away I need to get to grips with technology a bit more.

Continuing best wishes to all.....

And Sassy - that must have been a hell of a party.

It was pretty nasty by all accounts Hocus

Just relieved DD stayed out of it.

Good for her - she clearly has a bit of a wise head on young shoulders.

DS text me late last night to say meeting with his tutor is actually today not yesterday. He sounded a bit calmer, said maybe it was just a wobble. I think committing to 4 years of this has overwhelmed him (along with everything else). He's had an extra day to think about chem eng/physics and thinks chem eng might offer him more opportunities later .... Outside of chem eng! Thinks he wants to go into the film industry ultimately (like his Dad). Not sure why he wouldn't do a degree in something related to the film industry then? Perhaps that is just a known entity/security thing. I'm sure the world suddenly seems a very big and scary place right now and he feels cast adrift. I also think he is shocked at his reaction - he has travelled widely, been to some very remote places, been away from home the last 2 summers for 6 weeks at a time. But I guess this is verrrrry different and verrrry overwhelming.

It's so very hard to see your child struggle.

minmooch - it might be worth your ds making contact with the university counselling service. Dd has anxiety issues so she made contact with the counsellor in her college before she went and has already had an hour long session with her which she found very helpful. They have now left it open-ended that she will go and see her as she feels the need or can book more regular appointments if that is what she wants once the dust of freshers week has settled and she can see how she is doing. In your ds's case it would be good for him to be on their radar so they can look out for him.

I think bf troubles are difficult at the best of times but more so when you are not near to support them. Its not surprising that lots of parents hope their children start uni single.

My DD is ok, a bit lonely in the house as she feared, but with the bonus of it being her second year, is quite chilled about that and is already saying well I'll just do lots of work and plan differently next year. They learn to cope somehow with the fact not everything is perfect. She's done the reverse of everyone else, gone to uni single but ended up with bf from home who is at another uni this summer.

minmooch hope your DS is better this week.

So sorry some are still struggling and about the hazing.

There was an article in either the Times or Telegraph about behaviours at universities such as sexism, drinking etc that would not be tolerated anywhere else in our society. The MP Sajid Javid has written to Universities about it, I also raised it with our MP recently as well. As my DH said if it would not be tolerated in the workplace it should not be tolerated at uni. I had spoken to my dd about it before she went. When I spoke to my Dd on facetime last night, she had been to sign up to a female sports club and was horrified by the drinking culture and vile games they were playing. She left and is now doubting if she will play that sport. I am sad and cross on her behalf, but thanks to advice on here I pointed out that there are many other clubs/sports and that more importantly she does not have to sign up to everything in the first week.

She was a bit teary, at first, but was then fine and laughing which was lovely. I reminded her that she had only been there 4 nights, I think she had genuinely lost track of how little time she has actually been there.

I wonder if one of our roles is to help them put things into perspective, I think it also really helped to be able to see her.

Mimoch I really hope the meeting with the Tutor goes well.

Thanks lala

The scary thing about the 'party' is that it wasn't arranged by any club it was the student union section of her college. They tried to tell freshers it was tradition and attendance was expected.

DD told them that she didn't do ritual humiliation and told them to fuck off go away.

They had student drinking on all fours like animals and made concoctions like beer, wine and sardines. During all this the students screamed at in a drill sargent style to finish it etc.

End result was chaos people being carried up to their rooms, vomiting and crying.

That particular institution sounds like it needs shaking up sassy. You would think that they would know better.

How horrible for your dd.

lala, DS had similar problems last year. He tried out for the football team. Places in the first three seemed to be awarded on merit, then next seven on drinking skills. Luckily the problem at his University seems confined to the Athletics Union, not the Students Union more generally. However it seems unfair that advertised activities/facilities are not available to all. Instead he is playing 7 a side in a alternative student league, eg one not sponsored or supported by the Student Union.

sassy good for your DD I was really pleased when my DD said that she had quiet, really nice flatmates as although she wants to go out drinking and clubbing and getting pissed I want her to be able to do it under her conditions, and not because she is being forced to do it

And something I thought I'd pass on - if any of your DC are getting a uni bursary/scholarship, it might make them eligible for discounts on club/society fees/subs